Helping Kids Cope: Divorce Counseling Support For Children

Divorce can be challenging for everyone involved, including the children of a couple that has decided to part ways. If you and a partner are divorcing, your child or children may be included in court proceedings, and their lives may significantly change based on custody arrangements. It can be challenging and traumatic for a child to change their routine, live in multiple locations, or be unable to spend time with their other parent the way they did before. 

If your family is experiencing the unique impacts of divorce, you're not alone. Still, you can take steps to support your child, including seeking therapy. Although it may feel intimidating to take your child to a professional, childhood counselors are often compassionate, patient, and friendly. They can offer a safe environment for your child to process their feelings, and are well-equipped to help a child cope with divorce. 

How divorce impacts children

Children often experience difficulties when attempting to control their emotions independently. As a result, they may be sensitive to the impact of a complex adult process like divorce. As children learn about love and relationships, they might fear that their parents’ divorce means their family is broken and their reality has shifted forever.

Studies have also found that children who have witnessed the divorce of their parents or caregivers are more likely to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in childhood. Understanding these risks may help you identify when your child could benefit from professional support. Symptoms of PTSD in children can include: 

• Avoidance of specific topics, situations, people, locations, or objects
• Sudden panic or anxiety attacks
• Irritability or anger
• Hyper-vigilance of surroundings
• Frequent emotional outbursts
• Difficulty discussing emotions with parents
• Reliving the event through play
• Feelings of helplessness or withdrawal
• Nightmares and/or difficulty sleeping 
• Emotional reactions to reminders of the traumatic event (i.e., steps of the divorce process) 

Reducing the impacts of divorce as a parent or caregiver

If you're a parent or caregiver experiencing a divorce, it can be challenging to know how to support your child through an adverse emotional response. Below are a few ways you might be able to support them through this experience. 

Be patient with children

When addressing divorce with your children, try to be patient and use a gentle tone. Your child may take time to cope with their understanding of this new reality. They may withdraw, become irritable, or experience symptoms of a mental health condition. This can be especially true of an older child who may feel guilt, and that they are to blame for the divorce. If you notice mood changes, it might not necessarily indicate mental illness. However, keeping track of how your child is coping and being patient as they learn how to transition into a new family dynamic could prove essential. 

Use child-friendly language, but be honest

When talking to your child about marriage and divorce, consider using age-appropriate language. In addition, try not to hide divorce from your child based on age. Young children often pick up on their parents' actions, and losing contact with a parent without knowing the reason can be traumatic. 

You may want to emphasize honesty and kindness. It might benefit you and your ex-spouse to let your child know that you both love them and want the best for them. Being able to reassure children that your love and care for them hasn't changed may reduce some of their fears about divorce. You can ask them how you might make the process easier for them and remind them of any changes that might be coming, such as visiting/custody schedules with moms or dads. 

Consider professional support

A child might experience significant distress during a divorce. In this case, you could benefit from seeking professional help through a family or school counselor. There are many childhood counselors with experience in supporting children going through a life-changing event. 

Child divorce counselor

A child divorce counselor is a licensed psychologist, counselor, social worker, or therapist trained to offer emotional support to children experiencing a divorce. These professionals can use age-specific treatment methods to support a child's development alongside mental health challenges like PTSD, depression, anxiety, stress, or adjustment disorders. 

Child counselors may use similar methods as adult counselors but change some terminology or activities to suit the child's age and needs. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a standard method for adults. However, child CBT may involve activities like art creation, play therapy, or music. These activities can help children express themselves in a way that they're familiar with.

Child divorce counselors can also support teens living with the divorce of their caregivers. Adolescents may have a greater capacity than younger children to control emotions. Still, many teens are experiencing the impact of high levels of hormones from puberty and may have difficulty coping with intense emotions. 

Anger, for instance, can be a common symptom of a teen experiencing the impacts of divorce. In this case, a child counselor might offer a workbook, stress reduction exercises, and resources that support the adolescent in feeling more in control of their circumstances and shift to a more positive way of thinking.  

How these professionals can support younger children

Mental health professionals can offer many benefits to a child going through a parent's divorce. Their techniques may vary based on the child’s age, developmental stage, and family environment.

Validation and empathy

Parents can offer their children validation and empathy, but a child may be more receptive to a therapist at first. They might internalize their parents' actions and feel less open to conversation with them. A child therapist can remind your child that their emotions are valid and make sense. In addition, they can offer empathy by agreeing with the child that what they're experiencing is complex and can take time to cope with. 

Studies show that parental acceptance of a child's unwanted emotions is linked with the child having a more significant awareness of their emotions in the future. For example, a child who is validated and given labels for their emotions by an authority figure may feel more comfortable coming to a parent and discussing their emotions when they need support. 

Experience in mental illness

Child therapists have specific training in childhood mental illness and how the symptoms of these disorders can vary between age groups. An adult therapist may not have the same education or credentials. If your child is experiencing PTSD, depression, or anxiety, the therapist may be better prepared to recognize these symptoms due to their experience. 

Early intervention for these mental health conditions can be valuable in keeping children safe. Additionally, the therapist can teach your child coping mechanisms they can use at home to cope with divorce-related events alongside their symptoms. If you and your former spouse participate in therapy, your child's therapist may also offer you ways to support your child. 

Family therapy 

Some child counselors offer family therapy, in which family members attend sessions with the child. In this case, the therapist may take turns speaking to each family member to understand their point of view. One former spouse might feel different than the other, so the therapist can lead families through exercises and training to give them the skills to communicate effectively. 

If your child's feelings feel too overwhelming to express to you, having an independent party in the room who can use professional skills for engagement might be valuable. The therapist can discuss ways for you and your partner to talk to your child about their relationship in session. This can reduce parental conflict and enable the child to react without escalation.  

If you haven't told your child about the divorce, consider attending a few family therapy sessions and talking to them about the split while you're with the therapist. You can then open the floor for them to ask questions and address how your child's life might change in the coming days, months, or years. 

Counseling options 

Divorce can be difficult for children and can also negatively impact the parents or caregivers experiencing it. You might benefit from divorce counseling if you're divorcing and don't know how to support your child or move forward with healthy parenting skills. 

Although divorce can be expensive and time-consuming for some people, you're not alone. An online therapist through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples might offer a solution; sessions can be under $65 to $100 per week online (based on factors such as your location, referral source, preferences, therapist availability and any applicable discounts or promotions that might apply). In addition, online counseling provides flexibility in scheduling that can be beneficial to you, as you can receive support while focusing on divorce proceedings. 

If your teen experiences difficulties with your divorce, they can also participate in online therapy through a platform such as TeenCounseling for those aged 13 to 19. Regardless of the option you choose, it can be helpful to know that studies also support the effectiveness of this type of therapy. One study found that an internet-based therapy program helped parents improve their psychological flexibility and emotional control. In addition, they learned new coping skills to address their challenges and improve their mood.