Why Do Couples Seek Therapy? Five Goals For Couples Counseling

Those unfamiliar with couples therapy may have questions about what kinds of concerns are dealt with in counseling or wonder if it might be right for them. This may be partly due to certain depictions of couples therapy in TV and movies, which often paint a picture of couples seeking counseling only once their relationship has reached a breaking point. This can lead to a skewed understanding of when counseling may be appropriate.

Here, we will explore five common goals for couples starting therapy and a few indicators that it may be time to seek counseling. 

Common goals of couples therapy

Every relationship is unique, and there may be any number of reasons that couples decide to begin counseling. For some couples, a significant life event or specific issues in their relationship may be the determining factor. Other couples may choose to enter therapy when they notice their bond is no longer as strong as it once was. Below are just a few examples of common goals for couples seeking therapy.  

1. Rebuilding trust

One common reason couples may choose to attend therapy is to rebuild trust after a betrayal. Betrayal can cause significant damage to the trust in a relationship, and therapy can provide a space for couples to have honest conversations and work through their relationship issues. Betrayal can take many forms, including: 

• Infidelity
• Financial betrayal
• Broken promises
• Lying or deception
• Emotional betrayal

A marriage counselor can offer guidance as couples address the anger and hurt caused by the betrayal, explore its impact on their relationship, and develop strategies to rebuild trust, enhance communication, and create a stronger and more healthy relationship.

2. Restoring intimacy

Over time, some couples may experience fluctuations in the levels of intimacy they feel in their relationship. Many romantic relationships may begin with a period of intense romance and passion, but as the relationship progresses, some couples may experience times of lower emotional intimacy and/or sexual intimacy (if that is part of the relationship). This may cause feelings of frustration, abandonment, and loneliness. 

A couples counselor can help couples identify issues that may be impacting intimacy, such as: 

• Communication breakdown
• Stress and external factors
• Emotional disconnection
• Routine and monotony
• Body image and self-esteem issues

Depending on the reasons underlying the lack of intimacy, the couples counselor can facilitate productive discussions aimed at reconnecting. They may also recommend specific strategies, activities, and exercises to help enhance intimacy. 

3. Managing conflict

Couples in high-conflict relationships may enter therapy with hopes of reducing instances of conflict and better managing it when it arises. These conflicts may involve frequent arguments, disagreements, or unhealthy behaviors like stonewalling and silent treatment. The conflicts may center around various topics, such as finances, parenting, division of labor, family concerns, personality differences, and more. The negative impact of ongoing conflict can erode the relationship's foundation, leading to resentment, frustration, and distress.

In relationship counseling, the therapist can work with the couple to identify the underlying causes and patterns of conflict. They can create a safe and structured environment where both partners can express their perspectives, emotions, and needs without fear of judgment or escalation. The therapist can help couples develop effective communication and conflict resolution skills to better manage conflicts when they arise.

While most couples will likely experience some ups and downs and have disagreements at some point, if abuse is present in any form, know that help is available. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

4. Overcoming trauma

Traumatic experiences can profoundly impact individuals and their relationships and may cause distress, emotional disconnection, and difficulties in communication and intimacy. Couples may often enter therapy after a traumatic experience such as:

• Pregnancy loss
• Loss of a child or loved one
• Injury or disease
• Crime
• Financial problems such as bankruptcy

A couples counselor can help couples understand, address, and process the traumatic event and its effects. They may provide guidance as couples communicate about the trauma and explore how it may impact their relationship. Couples counselors can often teach helpful skills for processing and coping with trauma, and they can help a couple figure out how to move forward through strategies backed by scientific research.  

In some cases, a couples counselor may refer one or both parties for individual therapy. Individual therapy may allow each partner to address their personal healing, process individual experiences and trauma-related concerns more deeply, which can support the healing process within the relationship.

5. Maintaining relationship health 

While therapy is often helpful for couples navigating difficult periods, many couples seek therapy to prevent issues from arising within their romantic relationship and maintain their connection.

Often, couples may choose to see a therapist when significant life changes highlight areas for improvement within their partnership. For example, a couple who recently had their first child may seek guidance on coping with their new routines and responsibilities. 

Similarly, soon-to-be-married couples may choose to enter a form of couples therapy called premarital counseling. Premarital counseling offers a space to discuss expectations surrounding topics such as marriage, family, finances, and household responsibilities with therapists who can help them get on the same page. 

When couples might seek therapy

Couples therapy can be beneficial in various situations and stages of a relationship. Here are some common indicators that may suggest it is a good time to seek therapy:

• Communication issues: If you and your partner frequently experience communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, or difficulty expressing your needs and concerns, therapy can help facilitate better communication skills and create healthier patterns of interaction.

• Persistent conflict: If you find yourselves caught in repetitive arguments or unresolved conflicts that seem to escalate or never reach a resolution, couples therapy can provide a structured and neutral space to address these issues and develop effective conflict resolution strategies.

• Emotional distance between the couple: If you feel emotionally disconnected or distant from your partner, couples therapy can help you explore the underlying causes and work towards rebuilding emotional connection and a stronger bond, so you feel loved.

• Trust issues or infidelity: Betrayal, trust violations, or infidelity can severely damage the foundation of a relationship. A couples counselor can offer a guided process to rebuild trust and become aware of underlying issues so that you may repair your relationship with your romantic partner.

• Life transitions or major stressors: Significant life events or transitions such as becoming parents, changing careers, relocating, or dealing with illness can strain a relationship. Couples therapy can offer support, guidance, and coping strategies to navigate these challenges.

• Premarital or pre-commitment preparation: Couples therapy can be valuable for couples considering a long-term commitment, such as marriage or living together. It can help partners have important conversations, clarify expectations, and learn healthy communication and problem-solving skills for creating a strong foundation for their future together.

• Loss of physical or sexual intimacy: If sexual intimacy is part of your relationship and you are experiencing a sudden decrease in sexual desire, sexual compatibility issues, or other problems related to intimacy, a couples counselor may help you address these concerns. That said, some individuals do not experience sexual attraction toward anyone, which is also valid. 

Seeking therapy doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is "failing” or that you are on the road to divorce. Rather, it can be a proactive step to strengthen your bond, improve communication, and address any mental health issues before they escalate further. A trained couples therapist can provide guidance, facilitate productive conversations, and offer valuable tools and techniques to support your relationship's growth and well-being.

Finding a couples counselor for relationship support

If you sense that you and your partner might benefit from the guidance of a trained couples counselor, you can connect with a counselor either in person or online. Whether you choose to attend in-person or online, couples therapy has been shown to benefit 60-80% of couples who attend. 

Online therapy sessions, such as through ReGain, may be beneficial for those with busy schedules that make it challenging to attend in-person appointments. Couples with young children or caretaker responsibilities may also benefit from the convenience of attending a talk therapy session from home.

A significant body of research has demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy for relationship problems. One such study found couples therapy delivered virtually to be just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy.