Dating Quotes To Make You Laugh
By Sarah Fader
Updated December 12, 2018
Reviewer Deborah Horton
When you're out in the dating world, things often don't go as planned. At the time, it can be disheartening, infuriating, and downright horrifying, but at the very least, it sure does provide some great storytelling for the future. What once made you cry now makes you laugh, and you surely have at least one go-to story to tell whenever the subject of "worst date ever" comes up.
Take, for example, when teenagers start to date. One of the best sources of comedy when it comes to dating is dads dealing with the fact that boys are starting to come calling for their teenage daughters. Surely you know someone who has made some remarks themselves about the poor soul who will someday have the misfortune of deciding to date their daughter.
Stressful situations often make for great comedy, and dating is certainly one of them. What follows are some funny dating quotes that everyone can relate to at one point or another over the course of their dating careers:
"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!" - Sarah Silverman
"I asked this one girl out, and she said, "You got a friend?" I said yes. She said, "Then go out with him." - Don Irreva
"I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Dating is where you pretend you're someone you're not to impress someone you don't know." - Monica Piper
"I was on a date with this hot model. Well, it wasn't a 'date' date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." - Dave Attell
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose." - Whitney Cummings
Online Dating Quotes
In today's dating world, online dating is more common than it was, say, ten years ago. And with online dating comes a whole new set of problems. Some people embrace online dating, while others accept it as a necessary but deplorable part of modern dating.
Here are some funny quotes about dating for the digital age:
"It's not 'GreatCupid' or even 'GoodCupid.' It's OkCupid." - Helen Hong
"Online dating is like online shopping except you're looking for people no one wants, and it's $50 a month." - Phil Pivnick
"If we meet offline, and you look nothing like your pics, you're buying me drinks until you do." - Unknown
"I wish there was an online dating website for people who hate online dating." - Unknown
"I look great in my profile pictures. They were taken when I didn't need online dating to meet people."
"Internet dating is the fastest, most efficient way to gather a pool of qualified candidates. It could take you a lifetime to do the investigation that the computer comes up within seconds." - Judsen Culbreth
Funny Quotes By Celebrities
Who better to provide funny quotes about dating than celebrities? After all, they do tend to date more people in an average lifetime than the rest of us do - and significantly prettier people at that. Celebrities like George Clooney and Taylor Swift have enough dating experience to put us all to shame and, likewise, probably have dating stories that could keep us entertained for days.
Here are some funny quotes about dating straight from the mouths of celebs:
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that." - Mitch Hedberg
"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla." - Jim Bishop
"I was dating this guy, and we would spend all day text messaging each other. He thought he could tell that he liked me more because he actually spelled the word 'you' and I just put the letter 'u.'" - Kelly Osbourne
"Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend." - Lucy Liu
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." - Will Ferrell
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around."'- Chelsea Handler
"I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Funny Quotes That Are Also Smart
Just because a quote is funny doesn't mean there isn't some truth to it. In fact, things are often funny because there is so much truth to them. And it can always make you chuckle when someone nails what you wanted to say right on the head when you otherwise were finding great difficulty in expressing your sentiments exactly.
Here are some quotes about dating that may not be funny per se, but that make you chuckle anyway simply because of how genuine they are.
"Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you." - Joey Adams
"In its purest form, dating is auditioning formatting (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part)." - Joy Browne
"I always say to single people: Date a lot, date often, date outside of your type, date outside of your race. Just date, date, date, because you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince." - Wendy Williams
"I keep waiting to meet a man who has more balls than I do." - Salma Hayek
"Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" - Rita Rudner
"Dating now is a lot like going shopping when you don't have any money. Even if you find the right thing, you can't do anything about it." - Joshua Harris
Funny Quotes About Dating An Ex
Another popular topic when it comes to dating, and one that is ripe for hilarity, is when you decide to go back and date an ex. Who among us cannot sigh and roll our eyes with a knowing smile about what a terrible idea that was? Dating an ex is a common practice, one that is more often a mistake than a good idea, and that's why it makes for some terrific comedy.
Here are some funny quotes about why it may not be the best idea to go back to your ex:
"Dating an ex is the equivalent of failing a test you already had the answers to." - Kendrick Cole
"Current mood: Looking up my ex on LinkedIn because I blocked him on Facebook." - Dana Schwartz
"My friends accuse me of not being over my ex just because I'll mention her in stories or wear her clothes around my place." - Jeff Dye
"I used to think I would never find someone who loved me as much as my ex did. Then I remembered, he hated me." - Jennifer Hall
"Some people don't realize what they have until it's gone, but that does not always mean they are supposed to get it back." - Stephan Labossiere
"All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else." - Mae West
"It rather goes without saying that Katherine drank her coffee black. Katherines do, generally. They like their coffee like their ex-boyfriends: bitter." - John Green
Funny Movie Quotes About Dating
Art imitates life, and movies are a great way to do just that. How many times have you seen a movie and thought to yourself: "were the screenwriters just watching my life and writing everything down?" Rom-coms alone have enough relatable and cringe-worthy moments in them to match many of our own love lives.
Here are some of the funnier quotes involving dating that can be found in the movies:
"The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out of your ass." - Juno
"Nice boys don't kiss like that."
"Oh yes, they fucking do." - Bridget Jones's Diary
"You're forgiven." - Pretty Woman
"I realize this comes at a very inopportune time, but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you: Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy. Oh, that sounds like three favors, doesn't it?" - My Best Friend's Wedding
Do your dating experiences drive you crazy? Do you sometimes just need to vent, but there is no one around to vent to? Consider reaching out to one of our licensed counselors. We're available at any time for advice or just to listen - even if it's the moment you get home from one of the worst possible dates in existence.