Why Am I Always Fighting With My Family? How To Reduce Family Conflict

Almost all families experience conflict from time to time. Occasional disagreements are generally a part of all types of close relationships, even with those you love. However, if you find that you and your family members experience far more than the occasional conflict and you often ask yourself, “Why am I always fighting with my family,” it may be beneficial to explore ways to decrease family conflict and incorporate healthier conflict resolution techniques. For those who wish to discover how to resolve family conflict, some of the tips below may help.

The toll that family fighting can take

There’s plenty of available research that addresses the effects that parents fighting can have on children. An article from the BBC relates that the children of parents whose conflicts are frequent, intense, and do not usually get resolved may experience negative effects. These could include: 

• sleep disturbance and an interruption of early brain development in infants, 
• anxiety and behavioral issues in children
• depression and behavioral issues in adolescents.

Fighting between siblings that escalates into bullying can also take a significant toll on both the sibling doing the bullying and the sibling being bullied, with a recent study finding that sibling bullying is associated with poor mental health outcomes. Fighting between a parent and a child can also be traumatic for the child, and research shows a correlation between childhood trauma and low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and substance use problems.

Family fighting does not always escalate to the level of trauma. Some families may simply fight or argue more than is comfortable and would prefer and benefit from a calmer, more loving way of relating to each other. While the past can’t be changed, it is possible to learn new strategies for conflict resolution that can help families move through disagreements and challenges with less arguing and upset in the future. 

Strategies for better conflict resolution in families

You’re only in control of your own actions, so you can’t force your family to practice healthier conflict-resolution techniques. However, by modeling some yourself, you may be able to influence how others in your family handle conflict over time. Here are some tactics to try.

1. Learn how to emotionally control

Emotional control is simply the ability to control your emotional state. Emotions can be powerful, and remaining perfectly in control of them in every situation isn’t always easy. However, working toward building your abilities in this way can make a big difference in how you handle all types of conflicts and challenges in life and relationships.

2. Let others speak, and then listen

Sometimes, arguments between people escalate when one or all parties interpret that they’re not being heard. Making a conscious effort to invite each family member involved in a conflict to tell their side can help de-escalate emotions and move participants in the direction of a resolution. When others talk, try to practice sincere, active listening, which can help people feel heard. Some of the following tips may help you engage in active listening: 

• Show interest through gestures and body language, such as nodding and making eye contact. 
• Pay attention to what the person is actually saying, rather than assuming you know what they will say before they say it.
• Ask clarifying questions to help you understand their message.
• Avoid distractions and remain focused on the person speaking.

3. Explore different ways of resolving conflict

Not every human is wired to handle conflict in the same way. Being open to different methods and formats of conflict resolution can make the family feel more comfortable expressing their points of view and agreeing on solutions. For example, some people may need to take time alone to organize their thoughts or process the perspectives of others. Allowing them to put their thoughts down on paper instead of presenting them verbally may be beneficial. Whatever it may require for all individuals in your family, exploring different formats for resolving disputes can be helpful.

4. Try to keep your body language neutral

In addition to your words, paying attention to your body language can also be important during a difficult conversation. Crossing arms and rolling eyes, for example, are typically signifiers of frustration, disrespect, or disagreement that can derail conflict resolution efforts. Using a sarcastic or mocking tone or raising your voice can also undermine these efforts. Though it may be difficult when emotions start to increase, maintaining open body language and aiming to keep a calm, even tone of voice can help de-escalate a fight with a family so you can start working toward a resolution.

5. Avoid interrupting

According to research, even a two-second interruption is enough to make us lose the thread of what we are saying. An interruption can make us lose our focus, momentum, and even the potential to feel satisfied at having fully expressed ourselves. Avoiding the impulse to interrupt a family member when they’re explaining their side of a conflict can help ensure that they’re able to express themselves fully and feel heard and understood.

6. Speak with a therapist

Working with a trained therapist can offer a variety of benefits to someone who is facing the challenge of a family dynamic where fighting is common. They may be able to help you identify unhealthy patterns, set boundaries, and improve your own communication skills. They can also provide a listening ear and an objective perspective to allow you to work through your feelings about a particular conflict so you can then express them more effectively to your family.

Online therapy can be a convenient option for seeking this kind of treatment. With a virtual therapy service like BetterHelp, you can connect with a licensed therapist from home. All you need is a working device and an internet connection. 

Since research suggests that online therapy can offer similar benefits to in-person sessions, this format may be selected by those who find it to be more convenient and comfortable. Remember: The right therapy format for you is typically the one with which you feel most comfortable.

Why conflict often spikes at family gatherings 

For many people, certain family events, such as holiday celebrations, reunions, birthdays, and other family gatherings, can bring with them even higher levels of family conflict. Some potential reasons for this might include:

• The high levels of stress involved in organizing or attending large gatherings 
• The complex mix of personalities, perspectives, and generations, as personality clashes, political differences, or generational differences between older and younger family members might create tension
• The lingering pain of unresolved past issues between family members 

Quick tips to de-escalate family arguments 

If you are in the middle of a family argument, there are a number of steps you can take that may help you de-escalate the conflict and restore peace:

• Try to remain calm, keeping your voice low and steady, even if tensions are rising. 
• Listen to the other person, keeping your mind open to their thoughts and opinions. 
• Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, rather than dismissing how they feel.
• Frame your perspective using “I” statements.
• Ask to pause the conversation to give everyone a chance to calm down. 

What to do when parents are fighting

Arguments within families can occur between many different family members, and each type of conflict may carry with it its own set of unique dynamics. As a child of any age, witnessing arguments between your parents can be particularly challenging and uncomfortable. In these scenarios, it can be important to remove yourself from the situation, do not intervene, keep yourself safe, and remind yourself that it is not your fault. If you ever feel unsafe, it is important to seek immediate help.