Space For All: How To Create Balance When Living With Friends

While living with friends can be a lot of fun, some challenges frequently accompany this dynamic. It can be crucial to establish strong boundaries, discuss house rules, clarify shared chores and responsibilities, and recognize that you may discover your friends have traits or habits that you find annoying. Using effective conflict management skills can be helpful when challenges arise, but if you need additional support, consider reaching out to an online therapist.

Creating a strong foundation

Regardless of whether you have been friends with your future roommate for 10 weeks or 10 years, the experience of living with a person can be very different from just spending social time with them. When you live with someone, you typically come to know their habits, quirks, and flaws (and they get to know yours!).

Some people entering a roommate dynamic have already lived with siblings or other roommates, while others may be brand-new to sharing a space. For these reasons and many more, you and your future roommate may have different expectations regarding how to share your living space. Let’s discuss some steps you can take to start your journey as roommates off on the right foot. 

Create strong boundaries

Setting boundaries can be essential when you are in a shared living space. Personal space and personal time are often neglected when friends live together. It can be important to remember that not everyone feels comfortable being around someone (even someone they love) all the time. 

If you feel overwhelmed, try to communicate clearly when you feel comfortable spending time together and when you need to be alone. It may be important for some people to set a clear boundary that their room is their space and that their things aren’t to be used without permission. Others may not care as much if someone pops into their room to borrow a pencil or hair straightener, for example.

Establish a set of house rules

Everyone’s daily routines tend to differ, and you generally want to ensure your needs are met. With two or more people living together, the group might benefit from a list of house rules. 

These rules can address things like:

• Finances: How is the rent or mortgage split? How are the utilities being paid? How do you handle the grocery money? Are both or all parties committed to being financially responsible? 

• Visitors: What is your policy on overnight guests? Decide what kind of notice is required, how long they can stay, and other factors. How will you handle parents coming over? Or friends visiting from another city? 

• Common areas: Common areas can become areas of contention if one person uses them as a safe space (i.e., having loud phone conversations, monopolizing the TV, or making a mess with their belongings). Agree upon some ground rules regarding the use of your shared space to avoid future arguments. Is there a dedicated hang-out zone? 

• Quiet time: Decide on a reasonable time to lower the noise and/or lights. This doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone must go to bed at the same time, but that they must be respectful of noise levels and distracting lights past a certain point. Will the rules be different while you have company?

Approach touchy subjects in a calm manner and try not to doubt anyone without good reason. For example, if one friend sharing the apartment wasn’t able to pay their share of the rent for more than one month, it might be warranted because everyone involved could lose their home. But this shouldn’t be something you accuse someone of unless it happens. 

For the sake of your friendship and to ensure that everyone has an amazing experience over the course of living together, try to be respectful when discussing any of the above subjects. 

Clarify household chores and responsibilities

Domestic chores should generally be divided in a way that feels fair, allowing all friends living under the same roof to set boundaries and feel respected. Have an open and honest discussion about your strengths and weaknesses when it comes to household chores to help decide how to divide them. 

You may have a friend who loves to cook, so they want to take on making nightly meals. If they do this, you can compromise by handling the dishes and agreeing to make weekly dinners or provide food on one day each week to lighten the load. 

How the chores will look may depend entirely on the makeup of your friend group. Assign duties based on willingness and fairness. If you all hate the same chore, then it can be best to take turns doing it to maintain a sense of equality. A posted chore chart can be an effective way to keep track of whose turn it is to do what. 

Recognize that you will learn a lot about your friends

No matter how close you are to your best friends, there will be several potentially annoying behaviors that you may discover when you share a living situation. Be prepared to find out that your friends may leave their clothes all over their room, let dirty dishes sit in the sink for days, or chew loudly in a way you never realized bothered you. 

If you find that a behavior is breaching a boundary (i.e., leaving lots of their stuff all over a common living space), you may have to have a direct discussion about it with plenty of honest communication. You might say that you’re wondering if there’s something you can do to help them with a specific chore in exchange for something else instead of telling them they’re doing something “wrong.” If it’s simply a personal habit you find annoying, you may have to learn to look the other way.

How to cope with problems and ensure a bright future

Preparation can help, but even if you are a good roommate and friend, problems can still arise when living together. Be prepared to encounter touchy subjects like money issues, personal problems, and responsibilities in the home. 

Conflict management doesn’t always come naturally to everyone, but it can be learned. Here are some tips for talking with your friend if they have done something that violated one of your boundaries. Let’s say that they were up late watching the TV at a loud volume while you were trying to sleep. 

Pick the right time to talk

In general, don’t approach your friend when you are still in the heat of anger. Also, avoid trying to grab them when they’re busy or getting ready to run out the door. Find a time when they are at ease and ask if they have some time to talk about the sleep schedule. 

Avoid being confrontational

Using “you” language can come off as abrasive and put the other person on their guard immediately. “I” language can be far more effective for communicating your needs. For example, instead of saying, “You were watching the TV super loud last night,” try saying, “I have a hard time sleeping at night, so when the TV is on, I wake up easily and am tired at work the next day.”

In addition, strive to avoid piling on the grievances, even if you believe you have other legitimate problems with your roommate. Try to focus on the issue at hand and don’t turn it into a laundry list of complaints, as the other person may start tuning you out. 

Listen to what they have to say

There may not be what you consider to be a “good reason” for their actions, but you should listen attentively to what your friend says to you. You may find that there are other issues at hand that are contributing to the problem. Try to see things from their side, and if you feel they have a point about something, tell them so. 

Offer a solution

It can be helpful to have a solution to the problem at hand. For this example, you can say, “Would you be willing to use headphones if you’re watching TV past 11 o’clock?” You may also offer them an opportunity to come up with their own solution: “Or do you think there’s something else we could do that might work better?” This way, they may be more likely to believe they’re part of the conversation and that you aren’t attacking them. 

Therapy for learning how to cope with group dynamics

When you live with friends or family members as an adult, communication can be critical. Many friendships have been lost when two or more people decided to share space and weren’t equipped for it. If you find that you’re stressed out over roommate issues that don’t seem to resolve, therapy may bring clarity to the situation. Therapists are normally equipped to share strategies for working together with others and mediating problems. 

Meeting with a licensed therapist can also help you learn stress management skills and teach mindfulness strategies that can help you find more peace in day-to-day life. 

Benefits of online therapy

If, like many people, you find the idea of attending therapy sessions challenging to accommodate within your busy schedule, online therapy may be the solution for you. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can match you with a licensed therapist who will meet with you over video conference, phone call, or online chat.

Effectiveness of online therapy

According to recent studies, online therapy tends to be just as effective as in-person therapy. It can be a valid option for those seeking professional help with mental health concerns or interpersonal challenges.