I Am Not Attracted To Anyone: What Is Wrong With Me?
By Mason Komay
Updated May 12, 2020
Reviewer Dawn Brown
When you feel as if you're not attracted to anyone, you might think there's something wrong with you. But the truth is, what you're experiencing is common. Many people struggle to find a connection that inspires them. The inability to feel attraction to someone could be due to a variety of factors, including medication side effects, sexuality, depression, or a lack of confidence in the ability to choose someone wisely based upon a previous relationship's failure. In this article, we'll explore some reasons why you might not be attracted to people and what you can do about it.
The Superficial Trap
Everyone goes through times when they're not attracted to anyone and they feel that they're not attractive to others. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way. It can be worrisome, and teenagers may find it more disturbing than adults. To younger people, it might seem like the end of the world, and peer pressure can exacerbate the issue.
As we mature and experience long-term relationships, we can begin to broaden our appreciation of people and learn to admire qualities in others that are not always immediately apparent. A relationship can't survive if it's based solely on that initial chemistry drawn to looks. Physical appearance might be the first thing that attracts you, but having an emotional connection that includes a trusting, loyal friendship, and being able to communicate honestly is much more sustainable.
Different Name, Different Face, Same Person
Research into the psychology of attraction shows that people who end up in repeatedly failed marriages and abusive relationships have a tendency to choose partners based on a specific set of traits. Some traits that may seem attractive or "cute" at the beginning of a relationship can evolve into negative or even abusive behaviors. For example, jealousy may make an individual feel wanted early in a relationship, but trapped later on.
The loss of a relationship can have an effect on mood ranging from mild to severe. When serotonin levels are suppressed, so are the sex hormones affecting libido. Most individuals experience the blues or even mild depression from time to time. It's perfectly normal. Engaging in usual activities is sometimes enough to improve mood. Dating while depressed could be problematic, as it may draw the wrong type of people, and depression impedes judgment. Try engaging in positive outlets to improve mood first (such as exercise). If depressive symptoms are stubborn, seek medical or mental health attention.
Certain medications prescribed for depression or anxiety can cause users to see a decreased interest in sex. This may have caused problems in prior relationships and may also interfere with the ability to feel attracted to someone new. One of the most exciting aspects of dating is that feeling of giddiness when looking forward to a date. The lack of that spark can be discouraging, but suspending prescribed medications without first consulting your doctor or other medical professional is ill-advised.
The Pressure to Find "The One"
There are many reasons why people want to marry or have a long-term relationship. It could be to please a parent so they can anticipate grandchildren, or they feel their biological clock ticking. It could be to escape personal loneliness and to find relationship security. Or they may feel social pressure to be in a relationship. A lot of people create checklists of all the qualities their significant other "must" have, but forget to consider what they themselves will contribute to the relationship. By focusing on what you bring to a relationship, meeting someone new can feel exciting since it gives you an opportunity to demonstrate your good qualities.
Am I Asexual?
Limited attraction to others isn't uncommon - quite the contrary, as many experts believe that approximately 1% of the entire American population feels the same way. To put that into perspective, that means that there are currently 3,290,649 people who feel just like you. This lack of attraction is known as Asexuality.
To be asexual doesn't mean that you have a mental disorder. In fact, research has shown that there is no evidence suggesting that asexual behavior is caused by any chemical or hormonal imbalances. It simply means that you were born with a different sexual desire. As an asexual, you may still enjoy emotional or romantic intimacy with sexuals and other asexuals alike all the while not actually being sexually attracted to anyone.
Asexual people are still able to find happiness in romantic relationships and friendships, despite so much of our society placing value on sex. 2019 marks the cap of the most progressive decade in human history. With an increase of worldwide acceptance, more and more asexual people are feeling less out of place and more embraced by society with open arms.
Ways to Move Forward
Not being attracted to anyone can be confusing. Sometimes the best thing you can do for feelings of isolation is to interact with people. This may be difficult at first, but the fruits of your labor will manifest themselves quickly. Get into the habit of talking to people when you're feeling down. You may be surprised at the outcome.
These changes won't always make a difference overnight. The most important thing you can do in this process is to remain patient with yourself. You should focus on doing your best and doing what you can without becoming too overwhelmed.
As simple as they sound, try implementing some breathing exercises into your routine. These are targeted exercises designed to calm you when you're feeling stressed. Deep breathing has been shown to lower blood pressure and is a fantastic way to get mental clarity.
There will be times when no matter what you do, it seems like you aren't getting anywhere. These are times when you need to ask for a helping hand. A trained counselor or therapist at BetterHelp could have the answers you're looking for. This online service offers licensed professionals ready to help, from the comfort and privacy of your own home (or wherever you have an internet connection). If you feel like you're not attracted to anyone and want to figure out why this could be the best option for you. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp therapists from people experiencing similar issues.
"Dr. Murphy has been very helpful in identifying issues and behaviors that led me to withdraw from my relationships and now she is helping me to repair them."
"AJ has been amazing! She made me feel comfortable from the start. I'm in a safe space with her. She's helped me improve my self-esteem and my relationships. Thanks to AJ, I have a deeper understanding of the self and I am better equipped to deal with stress, anxiety, anger, etc."
There are no set timelines on how long it will take to find love after a breakup. The important thing is to have fun. If there are problems that impede the ability to enjoy an active dating life, this could also get in the way of feeling attraction. There could be medical reasons, or there may be adjustment issues associated with being single again. You may even be among the asexual population, like millions of others around the world. Whatever the reason, talking to a licensed, qualified therapist can help get you back on track and on the way to truly fulfilling relationships (whether they're sexual or not). No matter what you're experiencing, with the right tools, you can move forward. Take the first step today.