I Am Not Attracted To Anyone: What Is Wrong With Me?

By: Mason Komay

Updated March 08, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Dawn Brown

When you feel as if you're not attracted to anyone, you might think there's something wrong with you. But the truth is, what you're experiencing is common. Many people struggle to find a connection that inspires them. The inability to feel attraction to someone could be due to a variety of factors, including medication side effects, sexuality, depression, or a lack of confidence in the ability to choose someone wisely based upon a previous relationship's failure. In this article, we'll explore some reasons why you might not be attracted to people and what you can do about it.

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The Superficial Trap

Everyone goes through times when they're not attracted to anyone and they feel that they're not attractive to others. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way. It can be worrisome, and teenagers may find it more disturbing than adults. To younger people, it might seem like the end of the world, and peer pressure can exacerbate the issue.

As we mature and experience long-term relationships, we can begin to broaden our appreciation of people and learn to admire qualities in others that are not always immediately apparent. A relationship can't survive if it's based solely on that initial chemistry drawn to looks. Physical appearance might be the first thing that attracts you, but having an emotional connection that includes a trusting, loyal friendship, and being able to communicate honestly is much more sustainable.

Different Name, Different Face, Same Person

Research into the psychology of attraction shows that people who end up in repeatedly failed marriages and abusive relationships have a tendency to choose partners based on a specific set of traits. Some traits that may seem attractive or "cute" at the beginning of a relationship can evolve into negative or even abusive behaviors. For example, jealousy may make an individual feel wanted early in a relationship, but trapped later on.

Depression

The loss of a relationship can have an effect on mood ranging from mild to severe. When serotonin levels are suppressed, so are the sex hormones affecting libido. Most individuals experience the blues or even mild depression from time to time. It's perfectly normal. Engaging in usual activities is sometimes enough to improve mood. Dating while depressed could be problematic, as it may draw the wrong type of people, and depression impedes judgment. Try engaging in positive outlets to improve mood first (such as exercise). If depressive symptoms are stubborn, seek medical or mental health attention.

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Libido-Inhibiting Medications

Certain medications prescribed for depression or anxiety can cause users to see a decreased interest in sex. This may have caused problems in prior relationships and may also interfere with the ability to feel attracted to someone new. One of the most exciting aspects of dating is that feeling of giddiness when looking forward to a date. The lack of that spark can be discouraging, but suspending prescribed medications without first consulting your doctor or other medical professional is ill-advised.

The Pressure to Find "The One"

There are many reasons why people want to marry or have a long-term relationship. It could be to please a parent so they can anticipate grandchildren, or they feel their biological clock ticking. It could be to escape personal loneliness and to find relationship security. Or they may feel social pressure to be in a relationship. A lot of people create checklists of all the qualities their significant other "must" have, but forget to consider what they themselves will contribute to the relationship. By focusing on what you bring to a relationship, meeting someone new can feel exciting since it gives you an opportunity to demonstrate your good qualities.

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Am I Asexual?

Limited attraction to others isn't uncommon - quite the contrary, as many experts believe that approximately 1% of the entire American population feels the same way. To put that into perspective, that means that there are currently 3,290,649 people who feel just like you. This lack of attraction is known as Asexuality.

To be asexual doesn't mean that you have a mental disorder. In fact, research has shown that there is no evidence suggesting that asexual behavior is caused by any chemical or hormonal imbalances. It simply means that you were born with a different sexual desire. As an asexual, you may still enjoy emotional or romantic intimacy with sexuals and other asexuals alike all the while not actually being sexually attracted to anyone.

Asexual people are still able to find happiness in romantic relationships and friendships, despite so much of our society placing value on sex. 2019 marks the cap of the most progressive decade in human history. With an increase of worldwide acceptance, more and more asexual people are feeling less out of place and more embraced by society with open arms.

Ways to Move Forward

Not being attracted to anyone can be confusing. Sometimes the best thing you can do for feelings of isolation is to interact with people. This may be difficult at first, but the fruits of your labor will manifest themselves quickly. Get into the habit of talking to people when you're feeling down. You may be surprised at the outcome.

These changes won't always make a difference overnight. The most important thing you can do in this process is to remain patient with yourself. You should focus on doing your best and doing what you can without becoming too overwhelmed.

As simple as they sound, try implementing some breathing exercises into your routine. These are targeted exercises designed to calm you when you're feeling stressed. Deep breathing has been shown to lower blood pressure and is a fantastic way to get mental clarity.

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There will be times when no matter what you do, it seems like you aren't getting anywhere. These are times when you need to ask for a helping hand. A trained counselor or therapist at BetterHelp could have the answers you're looking for. This online service offers licensed professionals ready to help, from the comfort and privacy of your own home (or wherever you have an internet connection). If you feel like you're not attracted to anyone and want to figure out why this could be the best option for you. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp therapists from people experiencing similar issues.

Counselor Reviews

"Dr. Murphy has been very helpful in identifying issues and behaviors that led me to withdraw from my relationships and now she is helping me to repair them."

"AJ has been amazing! She made me feel comfortable from the start. I'm in a safe space with her. She's helped me improve my self-esteem and my relationships. Thanks to AJ, I have a deeper understanding of the self and I am better equipped to deal with stress, anxiety, anger, etc."

Conclusion

There are no set timelines on how long it will take to find love after a breakup. The important thing is to have fun. If there are problems that impede the ability to enjoy an active dating life, this could also get in the way of feeling attraction. There could be medical reasons, or there may be adjustment issues associated with being single again. You may even be among the asexual population, like millions of others around the world. Whatever the reason, talking to a licensed, qualified therapist can help get you back on track and on the way to truly fulfilling relationships (whether they're sexual or not). No matter what you're experiencing, with the right tools, you can move forward. Take the first step today.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is it normal not to be attracted to anyone?

Asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction; so, an asexual is someone who is not sexually attracted to anyone. Having said that, asexuals can be romantically attracted to other people, for example, a biromantic asexual is someone who is not sexually attracted to people, but is romantically attracted to males and females.To be asexual doesn't indicate abnormality or having a mental disorder, and asexual behavior is not brought on by chemical or hormonal imbalances. It’s simply that you have a different sexual desire than others. Furthermore, asexuals, although not sexually attracted to anyone, might enjoy emotional or romantic intimacy. There’s no rule that says one has to be sexually attracted to anyone, in a relationship, or intimate with others. Just being good friends without having sexual attraction to people has a lot of fulfillment and its own kind of intimacy.

Why do I not feel sexually attracted to anyone?

The reason you don’t feel sexually attractive to anyone boils down to, simply, that you were born with a different sexual desire. It has nothing to do with a mental health disorder or a chemical or hormonal imbalance. It’s just the way your sexual makeup is designed. In fact, most clinicians agree that asexuality should not be diagnosed as a desire mental health disorder. Thelack of desire with asexuals is not around the lack of sexual stimulation, but rather a lack of sexual desire for others.However, admiring their physical traits does not mean you are attracted to those physical traits. You are able to acknowledge their beauty without getting turned on.

Do asexuals feel love?

Asexuals can be romantically attracted to other people, feel love, and fall in love. For example, a biromantic asexual is someone who is not sexually attracted to anyone but has romantic attraction to both males and females.An asexual person might not experience sexual attraction, but they might still experience romantic attraction. In fact, many asexual people have romantic relationships with either another asexual or a non-asexual person. Many are in relationship, including marriages with children. These romantic relationships can be with other asexual people, or with people who aren't asexual.

Are you a demisexual?

The term demisexual is a person who only feels sexually attracted to someone once they've made a strong emotional connection. In other words, demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed; and the emotional bond isn’t necessarily related to love or romance. For example, some demisexuals find sexual attraction through friendship, including a platonic friendship. Furthermore, they might not necessarily love the person – whether romantically or platonically –whatsoever.Demisexual people aren’t simply people who decide to date someone for a long time before having sex with them. It isn’t about deciding to have sex, but rather feeling sexually attracted to someone.You can be sexually attracted to someone without having sex with them, and you can have sex with someone without actually feeling attracted to them.

How do asexuals get turned on?

It’s incorrect to say that people who experience arousal cannot be identified as asexual. While not all asexuals experience arousal, some do, with varying ways to get turned on, including masturbation and having sexual fantasies. Even though some may have no sex drive, while others can be sexually aroused to varying degrees, the act of arousal may not necessarily be directed at other people, but rather focused on themselves or, in the case of sexual fantasies, fictional characters. Other asexuals may feel a disconnection between themselves and the object of arousal, in turn viewing themselves asseparated from the sexual acts they are fantasizing about.

Do asexuals like cuddling?

Some asexual people like cuddling and kissing and being in romantic relationships. Some asexuals enjoy being touched. They enjoy hugs, massages, cuddling, and kissing. Being asexual does not mean you are against every form of physical affection. You still enjoy the occasional hug. You just don’t want anything more intense.

Can you be aromantic and want a relationship?

Aromantic people can have long-term, happy relationships with a primary partner. Even though an aromantic person isn't interested in coupling up in the traditional sense, somearomanticindividuals do want to be in relationships.

How common is asexuality?

Research has shown that approximately one percent of the American population identify as asexual; and there's a growing body of evidence indicating that it is a sexual orientation akin to homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, heterosexual, etc. Asexuality in humans is actually a fairly new concept and scientific research on has been limited. There’s a common misconception that being asexual equals being celibate. Celibates do experience sexual attraction but choose not to have sex, while asexuals have no or very little sexual desire, but can still have sex whenever they want.