I Am Not Attracted To Anyone: What Is Wrong With Me?

If you're not attracted to anyone, but you don’t feel like you fit under the asexual umbrella, you might think there's something wrong with you. Or, you might be someone who is not attracted to anyone but not asexual. The truth is, having a lack of sexual attraction is common. Many people struggle to find a romantic relationship and connection that inspires them. The inability to feel attraction to someone could be due to various factors, including sexuality, depression, or a lack of confidence in the ability to choose someone wisely based upon a previous relationship's failure. It can also mean you haven’t found the right person to inspire feelings of sexual desire. This article explores some reasons why you might not be attracted to people and what you can do about it, as well as explaining asexual orientation and whether it applies to you.

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The Superficial Trap

Many people go through times when they don’t experience sexual attraction toward anyone or feel they're not attractive to others. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way. It can be worrisome, and teenagers in middle school and high school may find a lack of romantic attraction more problematic than adults. It might seem like the end of the world to younger people, and peer pressure can exacerbate the issue.

As we mature and experience long-term relationships, we can begin to broaden our appreciation of people and learn to admire qualities in others that are not always immediately apparent. A relationship can't survive if it's based solely on that initial chemistry drawn to looks and the sexual desires they can inspire. Physical appearance might be the first thing that attracts you, but having an emotional connection that includes a trusting, loyal friendship and communicating honestly is much more sustainable than the first glow of sexual feelings. And some people simply do not feel sexual attraction to others for reasons we don’t fully understand.

Different Name, Different Face, Same Person

Research into the psychology of attraction shows that people who end up in repeatedly failed marriages and abusive relationships tend to choose partners based on a specific set of traits. Some traits that may seem attractive or "cute" at the beginning of a relationship can evolve into negative or abusive behaviors. For example, jealousy may make an individual feel wanted early in a relationship but trapped later. 

If you feel as if your relationship has evolved into an abusive experience, then you can reach out to National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). The website also has access to various helpful resources, including plans for safety, local resources, and getting the help you need as soon as possible. 

Reasons For Not Feeling Sexual Attraction

Depression

There are many reasons people can become depressed. One reason is the ending of a relationship. When someone loses a romantic relationship, it can affect their mood in ways ranging from mild to severe, including a loss of sexual desire and feeling attracted to others. When serotonin levels are suppressed, so are the sex hormones affecting libido. Most individuals experience the blues or even mild depression from time to time, and this is perfectly normal. However, the use of certain anti-depression medication can also interfere with a person’s level of sexual interest.

When a person ends a relationship and stops feeling attraction to others, it can help to get out and engage in enjoyable activities. Exercise can be especially helpful for overcoming depression, and it might reignite feeling sexual attraction to a specific person. However, dating while depressed could be problematic, as it may draw the wrong type of people, and depression can impede judgment. If depressive symptoms are stubborn and persist for longer than two weeks, seek medical or mental health attention.

The Pressure To Find "The One"

There are many reasons why people want to marry or have a long-term relationship. It all depends on their specific circumstances. For example, one reason for seeking a close relationship could be to please a parent who anticipates grandchildren. Or, the person might want to experience romantic attraction and a sexual relationship because they feel their biological clock ticking. It could be to escape personal loneliness and to find relationship security. Or they may feel social pressure to be in a relationship. Many people create checklists of all the qualities their significant other "must" have but forget to consider what they will contribute to the relationship beyond the initial romantic feelings. By focusing on what you bring to a relationship, meeting someone new can feel exciting and might help with feeling sexual and romantic attraction by letting you focus on your positive qualities that another person can find attractive.

Am I An Asexual Person?

Limited attraction to others is called asexuality, and it isn't uncommon - quite the contrary, as many experts believe that approximately one percentof the entire American population feels the same way. To put that into perspective, that means that there are currently 3,290,649 people who don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone just like you.  For people in the 18 to 24 year age bracket, as many as four percent report identifying as asexual. In addition, asexuality has many variations such as aromantic asexual and other sexual and romantic orientations.

Asexual people do not necessarily have a medical problem or mental disorder. In fact, there is no evidence suggesting that any chemical or hormonal imbalances cause asexual behavior. Some people consider asexuality a valid sexual orientation. It could simply mean you were born with a lower-than-average level of sexual desire that causes you not to feel attracted to anyone. As an asexual person, you may still enjoy emotional or romantic intimacy or feel platonic attraction toward sexual people and other asexual people while not feeling sexually attracted to anyone.

Being asexual means a person does not desire sexual relationships, butthey can still find happiness in romantic relationships and friendships, despite so much of our society placing a value on sex and physical attraction.  In addition, some asexual people still enjoy sex alone by masturbating or experience emotional attraction toward other people, minus the feelings of sexual desire. With an increase of worldwide acceptance for people with an asexual identity, more and more asexual people feel less out of place and more embraced by their close friends and the society at large.

Ways To Move Forward

Not being romantically attracted or sexually attracted to anyone can be confusing. Feeling this way could be a life-long orientation, or it could be a phase the person is experiencing that will pass in the future. Sometimes the best thing you can do for feelings of isolation is to interact with people and concentrate on deep friendship with people you feel a platonic attraction for. This may be difficult at first, but sexual attraction, romance, and feelings of desire are only one part of life. By talking to people when you're feeling down, it might help you stop worrying about not feeling attracted to people and make it more likely that these feelings naturally come along.

Making changes in your habits won't always make a difference overnight. The most important thing you can do in this process is to remain patient with yourself. Try focusing on doing your best and doing what you can without becoming too overwhelmed or concerned about sexual interest and physical attraction.

Breathing exercises can help if concerns about not feeling sexually attracted to anyone causes you anxiety. These are targeted exercises designed to calm you when you're feeling stressed. Deep breathing has been shown to lower blood pressure and is a fantastic way to get mental clarity and relax.

There will be times when it seems like you aren't getting anywhere no matter what you do. These are times when asking for a helping hand might be just what you need to accept being an asexual person, someone with another atypical romantic orientation, or someone who is not attracted to anyone but not asexual. Consider talking about your concerns with a trained counselor or therapist atBetterHelp.  This online service offers licensed professionals ready to help from the comfort and privacy of your own home or anywhere else with an internet connection. If you feel like you're not attracted to anyone and want to figure out why, this could be a helpful option for you.

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