I Am Not Attracted To Anyone: What Is Wrong With Me?

Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia, LCSW
Updated January 12, 2023by BetterHelp Editorial Team

If you're not attracted to anyone, but you don’t feel like you fit under the asexual umbrella, you might think there's something wrong with you. The truth is, having a lack of sexual attraction is common. Many people struggle to find a romantic relationship or connection that inspires attraction. The inability to feel attraction to someone could be due to various factors, including sexuality, depression, side effects of medication, or a lack of confidence in the ability to choose a partner wisely. Or, it could simply mean you haven’t found the right person to inspire feelings of sexual desire yet. This article explores some reasons why you might not be attracted to other people and what you can do about it. It also discusses asexual orientation and how to know whether it applies to you.

Are You Experiencing A Lack Of Attraction To Other People?

The Psychology Of Attraction

Many people go through times when they don’t experience sexual attraction toward anyone or feel they're not attractive to others. There's nothing abnormal about feeling this way. It can be worrisome though, and teenagers in middle school and high school may find a lack of romantic attraction more problematic than adults. It might even seem like the end of the world to younger people, and peer pressure can exacerbate the issue.

As we mature and experience long-term relationships, we can begin to broaden our appreciation of people and learn to admire qualities in others that are not always immediately apparent. A relationship may struggle to survive if it's based solely on the initial chemistry related to looks and the sexual desires they can inspire. Physical appearance might be the first thing that attracts you, but having an emotional connection that includes a trusting, loyal friendship and honest communication is often more sustainable than the first glow of sexual feelings. 

Research into the psychology of attraction shows that people who end up in repeatedly failed marriages and abusive relationships tend to choose partners based on a specific set of traits. Some traits that may seem attractive or "cute" at the beginning of a relationship can evolve into negative or abusive behaviors.

For example, jealousy may make an individual feel wanted early in a relationship but trapped later. 

In other words, attraction is important in a relationship, but it isn’t everything.

Reasons For Not Feeling Sexual Attraction

There are a variety of reasons someone may not feel sexually attracted to other people. These could include:

Depression

Depression is a mood disorder that leads to persistent sadness and loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities. There are many reasons people become depressed, with the ending of a relationship being a common cause. When someone loses a romantic relationship, it can affect their mood in ways ranging from mild to severe, including a loss of sexual desire and attraction. When serotonin levels are suppressed, so are the sex hormones affecting libido. The use of certain medications can also interfere with a person’s level of sexual interest.

When a person ends a relationship and consequently stops feeling attraction to others, it can help to get out and engage in enjoyable activities. Exercise can be especially helpful for overcoming symptoms of depression, and it might reignite feelings of sexual attraction as well. However, dating while depressed could be problematic, as it may draw the wrong type of person. Depression can also impede judgment. If depressive symptoms are stubborn and persist for longer than two weeks, seek medical or mental health attention.

The Pressure To Find "The One"

There are many reasons why people may want to marry or have a long-term relationship. For example, one reason for seeking a close relationship could be to please a parent who anticipates grandchildren. Or the person might want to experience romantic attraction and a sexual relationship because they feel their biological clock ticking. Some people feel social pressure to be in a relationship. 

Many people create checklists of all the qualities their significant other "must" have but forget to consider what they will contribute to the relationship. When focusing on what you bring to a relationship, meeting someone new can feel exciting. It might also help with feeling sexual and romantic attraction by letting you focus on your positive qualities that another person may find attractive.

Asexuality

Limited attraction to others is called asexuality, and it isn't entirely uncommon. Many experts believe that approximately one percent of the entire American population feels the same way. To put that into perspective, that means that there are currently 3,290,649 people who don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone. For people in the 18 to 24-year-old age bracket, as many as four percent reports identifying as asexual. In addition, asexuality has many variations such as aromantic asexual and other sexual and romantic orientations.

Asexuality is not a sign of a medical problem or mental health disorder. In fact, there is no evidence suggesting that any chemical or hormonal imbalances cause asexual behavior. That’s why asexuality is considered a valid sexual orientation. Asexual people can still enjoy emotional or romantic intimacy and feel platonic attraction.

Being asexual means a person does not desire sexual relationships, but they may still find happiness in romantic relationships and friendships. In addition, some asexual people still enjoy sex alone by masturbating. They might also experience emotional attraction toward other people, minus the feelings of sexual desire. With an increase in worldwide acceptance for people with an asexual identity, more and more asexual people feel less out of place and more embraced by their close friends and society at large.

Online Therapy With BetterHelp

Professional help is available for individuals coping with asexuality or aromantic feelings. These feelings can sometimes trigger undue embarrassment or shame, which can make it hard to interact with people in person or even leave the house. If this sounds familiar, consider talking about your concerns with a trained counselor or therapist at BetterHelp

The Efficacy Of Online Therapy 

With the prevalence of online therapy has come extensive research into its effectiveness. One recent study suggests that online interventions can be quite effective for addressing relationship problems. Specifically, individuals enrolled in these programs reported reduced stress and improved confidence. If you feel like you're not attracted to anyone and these feelings are causing you distress, this could be a helpful option for you to consider.

Counselor Reviews

"Dr. Murphy has been very helpful in identifying issues and behaviors that led me to withdraw from my relationships, and now she is helping me to repair them."

Are You Experiencing A Lack Of Attraction To Other People?

"AJ has been amazing! She made me feel comfortable from the start. I'm in a safe space with her. She's helped me improve my self-esteem and my relationships. Thanks to AJ, I have a deeper understanding of the self, and I am better equipped to deal with stress, anxiety, anger, etc."

Takeaway

Not being romantically or sexually attracted to anyone can be confusing. Feeling this way could be a life-long orientation, or it could be a passing phase you are experiencing. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do to remedy feelings of isolation is to interact with people and concentrate on deep friendships with people you feel platonic attraction to. This may be difficult at first, but sexual attraction, romance, and feelings of desire are only one part of life. Working with an online therapist may allow you to overcome the difficult emotions you’re facing and move forward feeling more confident in who you are.

For additional help & support with your concerns

The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
Get The Support You Need From One Of Our TherapistsGet Started