The Impact of Unresolved Grief After the Loss of a Loved One
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Experiencing the death of a loved one is something we all face at some point in our lives, but grief can look different for every individual. Some people gradually find a new sense of balance after losing a loved one. However, others may feel unable to process the pain or move forward. This lingering and overwhelming sadness, also known as unresolved grief, can make you believe that you’ll never be happy again. Learn what warning signs to watch for and how you can gradually find peace again after losing someone you love.
What is unresolved grief?
Also referred to as complicated grief, unresolved grief occurs when a person is unable to move through the natural process of grieving. It can be normal to experience profound sadness after losing a loved one, but as time passes, most people adapt as they learn to live with the loss and move forward. When someone experiences unresolved grief, however, they may feel stuck. The sadness doesn’t ease with time, and it might even become worse.
Risk factors for experiencing unresolved grief
Certain circumstances can increase the likelihood of someone experiencing unresolved grief. Some of these risk factors include:
- losing someone to an unnatural or violent death
- death of a child or partner
- lack of a supportive relationship
- lack of a support system
- being female
- having an attachment anxiety style
- low socioeconomic status or low educational level
- number of previous losses
- mental illness
The grieving process can be unique to individuals
The grieving process might not follow a neat timeline. We often think of the five stages of grief– denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance– but this label may be a misnomer. Not everyone moves through the five stages of grief in order, and some people may skip a stage or two.
Some people might immediately feel the impact of a loss, while other people may seem numb for months before their grief surfaces in the form of sadness. Your personality, cultural background, and past experiences can all shape how you cope with someone’s death. It’s important to recognize that there is no one right way to grieve. However, if your grief is all-consuming or preventing you from living your daily life, you may not be processing your loss in a healthy way.
Signs of unresolved grief
Unresolved grief can show up in a variety of ways. In the beginning, many signs of this persistent grief can look the same as normal grief. Here are some common warning signs that you may not be processing your grief after losing a loved one.
Emotional signs of complicated grief
- Intense sadness: Even months or years after the loss, you still feel intense grief that hasn’t eased.
- Persistent guilt: You replay ‘what-if’ scenarios and experience self-blame about the death.
- Bitterness: You may resent yourself, others, or even the loved one who died.
Psychological and mental health signs
- Unhealthy coping behaviors: You may turn to alcohol, other substances, or overworking to avoid painful emotions.
- Difficulty completing daily life tasks: It may be a struggle to attend work or school or manage other responsibilities.
- Trouble focusing: It can feel impossible to focus on anything but the death of your loved one.
- Apathy: You may feel like life is meaningless because of this loss.
Physical signs
- Chronic sleep problems: You could experience insomnia or frequent nightmares.
- Weight changes: Your weight may dramatically increase or decrease, and your appetite may drastically change as well.
- Poor self-care: Personal hygiene tasks may be forgotten, and your physical health could suffer.
Social signs
- Isolation: You may pull away from friends, family, or social activities.
- High conflict: You might take your grief out on loved ones by initiating fights or arguments.
The impact of complicated grief
Unresolved grief can impact every area of your life. When you’re only able to focus on your loss, you may experience poor performance at work and strained relationships with other loved ones. If you’re unable to complete daily living tasks or live a somewhat healthy lifestyle, there may be consequences impacting your physical health as well. Complicated grief can go beyond simply feeling sad for a long period of time— various aspects of your well-being can suffer because your grief feels so all-consuming.
The importance of processing loss
Have you ever noticed that ‘acceptance’ is the last step of the stages of grief? Accepting that you lost someone you loved and learning how to live without them doesn’t mean that they weren’t an important part of your life. Processing loss may allow you to find a new balance in your life that honors their memory but also enables you to pursue your future dreams and goals. When you don’t process your loss, you can end up stuck in time. You might miss out on new opportunities, relationships, and adventures.
How to find healing after loss
It can take time to find healing after losing someone you loved. Your life may never return to the way it was before the loss, but you can adjust to your new reality and learn ways to experience joy and peace, even if it feels different.
Join a loss support group
Talking to other people who are going through the same thing can provide comfort and validation. A loss support group can also remind you that you are not alone in how you’re feeling. Finally, by hearing from others who have lived with their loss longer, you can learn to be hopeful that life will be fulfilling again someday.
Find a meaningful purpose in your life
Finding a new purpose in your life can be an important part of moving forward in your grief, especially if you spent a lot of time with the person who died. Consider choosing a pursuit that feels meaningful and doesn’t just fill your time with something to do. You might volunteer with a local organization or take up a new hobby you’ve always been interested in, for example.
You can also participate in activities that help you feel more connected with your late loved one. For example, if they loved nature, you could take up hiking. If they died by suicide, you might volunteer with a crisis hotline. In doing so, you may be giving your life more meaning while also honoring their memory.
Journal
Journaling about how you’re feeling has been shown to improve your mood and well-being, and many people say they feel better after writing about grief and loss. Pain and hope can coexist. Try recording the memories you have with your loved one and write about dreams you have for the future.
Connect with loved ones
Research shows that isolating yourself after a loss can prolong your grief symptoms. Consider spending time with friends and family members to remain connected and ease feelings of loneliness.
Spend time in nature
Being outside can be associated with a number of mental health benefits. After experiencing loss, time outdoors can often provide a sense of peace and comfort. One study found that by feeling connected to nature, individuals experiencing complicated grief are less likely to develop mental health complications such as depression or anxiety.
Create a memory ritual
You can find small ways to honor your loved one’s memory, such as:
- Cooking your loved one’s favorite meal on their birthday
- Writing letters to your loved one after important life events
- Leaving something on the gravesite
- Planting a tree in their honor
- Making an annual donation to their favorite charity
- Carrying or wearing an item that belonged to them
Mental health treatment options for unresolved grief
Normal grief might not be linear, but mental health professionals typically agree that intense and debilitating grief lasting longer than 12 months can be considered unresolved grief. Once diagnosed, there are several treatment options that can help you process your grief.
Complicated grief therapy is a common treatment. This approach uses strategies that may also be used to treat depression or PTSD. During sessions, patients may learn more about the condition, hold imagined conversations with their loved one, learn new coping skills, and reduce the shame they may be feeling. Cognitive behavioral therapy can also help address the symptoms of prolonged grief disorder.
While the symptoms of prolonged grief disorder can be similar to symptoms of depression, the condition is distinctive. It may be difficult to find a therapist trained in treating prolonged grief disorder, especially if you live in a rural area or cannot travel to local providers. If you don’t have a nearby grief therapist, or if you just don’t have the energy to get up and go meet with someone in person, online therapy may be the ideal solution.
Using platforms like BetterHelp, you can meet with a therapist trained to treat complicated grief at your convenience. Research shows that online therapy can significantly reduce prolonged grief, post-traumatic stress, and depression symptoms associated with prolonged grief disorder.
Takeaway
How to resolve unresolved grief?
There may be many different coping strategies one can use to ease the pain of unresolved grief. Practicing self-care, journaling, and attending a grief support group may help. Therapy is another option for people who feel stuck in their grief after a loved one’s death.
What is the most common response to unresolved grief?
Everyone experiences unresolved grief differently, but common responses might include prolonged feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or feeling like life has become meaningless.
How long does prolonged grief last?
There’s no singular timeline for prolonged grief. Still, according to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), grief that lasts more than a year for adults or six months for children and teens may be diagnosed as prolonged grief disorder.
What is the hardest death to grieve?
Grief is a highly personal experience, and it’s hard to compare one person’s grief to another. Still, many people might agree that losing a child is the most challenging type of loss. Generally, it might be more challenging to lose someone young rather than someone of an older age. All this can vary based on the individual and the specific circumstances.
What does unhealthy grieving look like?
Unhealthy grieving may take on different forms. Some people may turn to unhealthy coping strategies like substance use to numb their feelings, for example. Others may keep themselves too busy with work or other preoccupations to process painful emotions.
What does unresolved grief do to the body?
Unresolved grief can affect the body in various ways. Common symptoms may include headache, fatigue, stomach problems, and joint pain. Unresolved grief is also thought to weaken the immune system.
What is the most intense type of grief?
There could be many different types of grief that are intense. Examples include the death of a child, the death of a parent, the death of a spouse, and death by suicide. Generally, the closer you are to a person, the more intense the grief can be.
What to do when grief is unbearable?
If you feel like grief is unbearable, it can be important to tell someone how you’re feeling. Whether you lean on a friend, support group, or therapist, talking about these feelings may make them seem less powerful.
When does grief become a mental illness?
Grief that lasts more than six months for children and teens or more than a year for adults could meet the criteria for a mental health condition known as prolonged grief disorder.
What is the best treatment for prolonged grief disorder?
According to the American Psychiatric Association, the most effective treatment for prolonged grief disorder involves cognitive behavioral therapy. Other effective treatments may include Prolonged Grief Therapy and online grief therapy.
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