Learn How To Stop Being Mean Unintentionally
Having close social connections is an important component of human health, happiness, and well-being, as supported by various research studies. That’s just one reason you may want to address the issue if you find that your unintentional behaviors are making it more difficult for you to form or maintain these crucial positive bonds with people in your world.
It’s generally unrealistic to expect you’ll get along well with everyone; however, if you find that your natural way of interacting with other people seems to be constantly turning them off, it may be worth taking a closer look. For those who have received feedback about being perceived as a mean person or rude, read on for a few potential reasons behind this tendency plus tips on how to stop being unintentionally mean and adjust it.
Why do I keep saying mean things?
Social anxiety
For those who have anxiety disorders—especially social anxiety disorder—it’s not uncommon to say things they wish they hadn’t because they feel threatened or intimidated, or they feel nervous, or are experiencing other negative feelings.. Their mind and body may be more focused on staying calm and responding to the perceived threat than they are on the words they’re saying. Seeking treatment for your symptoms may help, as a mental health care provider can assist you in developing effective coping strategies so you can approach social situations more calmly. It is possible to learn how to stop being mean.
Irritability
The American Psychological Association defines irritability as “a state of excessive, easily provoked anger, annoyance, or impatience”. If you’re experiencing irritability, you may find it hard to have the patience to calmly and kindly engage with and talk to others—especially those you don’t get along with in the first place.
In some cases, irritability can be a symptom of any of a variety of mental health disorders. If you're experiencing it persistently—especially if it’s impacting your daily functioning or relationships—it could be worth speaking with a healthcare provider about it. Controlling anger caused by irritability is possible. The American Psychological Association can screen you for conditions that may cause irritable behavior, such as:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Bipolar disorder
- Substance withdrawal
- Chronic stress
The influence of substances
Consuming certain substances—particularly in excess—can lead a person to say or do things that they wouldn’t normally and may later regret. Alcohol, for example, is known to decrease a person’s inhibitions for a little while, potentially making them act and respond in ways they might later regret. It also slows down the rate at which the brain is able to process and deal with information, which can lead to difficulties misunderstanding intentions and body language and cause issues anticipating the potential consequences of your actions in the moment. If you find that you’re mostly having this issue during happy hour or events that involve alcohol or substances, your relationship with alcohol or substances may be to blame. If you’re concerned about your relationship with alcohol or another substance and/or if you’re showing signs of a substance use disorder, you might consider speaking with a mental health professional and/or a substance use counselor for support. Often, speaking with a good listener trained in substance abuse is an important step in overcoming substance issues.
Low self-esteem or insecurity
You might have trouble holding back from lashing out at someone if they make you feel threatened in some way. If you notice patterns in terms of the people you’re behaving unkindly towards, ask yourself if you feel jealous of them or if they make you feel insecure or down about yourself in some way. Envy, shame, and self-loathing can be powerful emotions that, as you can imagine, may make people act in ways we might regret. A mental health professional can also help you work on your self-esteem levels so they no longer negatively impact your interpersonal connections, and so you can enjoy greater overall well-being.
Lacking social skills or different social norms
Another possible explanation for why people frequently perceive your behavior as mean or rude is a mismatch between how you’re behaving in social situations and how they expect people to behave. Some may benefit from strengthening their social skills in general, learning how to kindly interact with others and act in a considerate, thoughtful manner—which is possible with the right support. Learning appropriate body language skills, anger management control, and how to be a good listener often help individuals stop being mean unintentionally. Others may find that the family and/or culture in which they were raised do not align with where they live or who they associate with now. What one group of people considers to be rude may be common, expected, or even a sign of respect to others, and vice versa. Learning more about the norms of the culture you’re in now and/or discussing your culture of origin with those around you can help mitigate this clash.
Why it can be important to address unkind behavior
As mentioned earlier, having healthy social connections is widely considered to be important for an individual’s health, well-being, and emotional state. If your behavior is isolating you from family, friends, colleagues, community people, or others, you may be at risk for experiencing loneliness and isolation—which research suggests can be linked to higher risks of health problems like heart disease, a weakened immune system, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s disease, anxiety, depression, and even death.
Another important reason to address this type of behavior, of course, is the effect it can have on those around you. Bullying and other unkind and/or antagonistic behaviors can have a variety of negative effects on the person experiencing them, from anxiety, difficulty concentrating, and a loss of confidence to physical symptoms like sleep disturbances and headaches. This type of behavior can also lead to hurt feelings, the end of relationships, and social isolation on the other person’s part as well. In other words, both parties can benefit from the person(s) engaging in unkind behavior learning to more appropriately manage it and making strides toward becoming a nicer person.
How a therapist can help
If you’re having trouble isolating the cause of your tendency toward unkind behaviors, negative feelings, or frequent bad moods, exploring the issue with the help of a trained, supportive, nonjudgmental therapist may be helpful. They can assist you in discovering and then addressing the source of the behavior. If it’s due to a mental health condition, they can provide you with helpful treatment options. If it’s due to issues with social skills, low self-esteem, past trauma, a lack of awareness, or another reason, they can also assist you in developing healthier ways to manage a negative emotion when it rises, like taking deep breaths or partaking in regular exercise.
Regularly attending in-person sessions with a therapist is not feasible for everyone. Some people may have trouble locating a provider in their area, may have difficulties leaving the house or finding transportation, or may face financial barriers to care. In cases like these, online therapy can represent a viable alternative. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider with whom you can meet via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home or anywhere you have an internet connection. A review of studies on the topic suggests that there’s “no difference in effectiveness” between online and in-person therapy, and virtual options are often more affordable than traditional, in-office sessions. Whichever method you may choose, compassionate support is available for the challenges you may be facing. See below for client reviews of BetterHelp counselors.
Takeaway
If you’ve noticed or have been told that your behavior is frequently interpreted as mean, rude, or offensive by others, it’s an issue you may want to address since it can harm your relationships and the mental health of yourself and others. Uncovering the root cause of this behavior and addressing it—potentially with the support of a qualified therapist—may help you overcome or control these behaviors and become a better person. It may take time to find the root cause, but there are effective therapies for helping people stop being mean.
Why am I being so mean?
A person might be mean for several reasons, and it will likely require self-reflection and honest analysis of how you treat others and why you treat them that way to determine the root cause of your actions. Sometimes, people are mean because they feel vulnerable or insecure. In that case, being mean is often a way to keep a safe emotional distance from others, denying them the opportunity to be hurtful. In other cases, people are mean because they lack appropriate communication skills and struggle to communicate their thoughts and feelings in a healthy way.
A bad mood or irritability might also cause meanness. If you frequently find yourself in a bad mood or upset with your life circumstances, you may be more likely to be mean to others. If you’re finding it challenging to identify why you are mean, you may want to consider speaking with a mental health professional. A therapist or other professional can help you understand why you seem mean and recommend evidence-based strategies for improving mood, self-care, and personal security.
How do I stop being mean?
It may be helpful to begin by establishing good self-care routines as you work to become less mean. Meanness is often caused by frequent or persistent irritability, and focusing on self-care can help give you more positivity and resilience to combat irritability and stress. While there are many forms of self-care, it may be helpful to start with a few foundational elements:
- Sleep. Getting enough sleep is essential for mental and physical wellness. Too little sleep may make it harder to regulate emotions and stay positive.
- Diet. A regular, healthy diet gives you ample energy and helps avoid “hangry” symptoms that can worsen your disposition.
- Exercise. Regular physical activity releases endorphins, chemicals that can improve mood and make being kind in social interactions easier.
It may also be helpful to focus on improving your emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence consists of self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and social skills. Improving each domain may make it easier to be nicer to those around you. If you still find it challenging to avoid being mean, you may want to talk to a therapist or other professional to help you get to the root cause.
Why do I snap easily?
There are many reasons why a person might snap easily, but one of the most common is chronic stress. Chronic stress induces hypersensitivity in a range of brain areas, including those responsible for sudden anger or rage. A person experiencing long-term stress may have significantly less resilience to sudden triggers than someone whose stress is well-controlled. In addition to chronic stress, some mental health conditions can also make it more likely for a person to experience a sudden escalation of emotion. Depression, for instance, is closely linked with irritability and may make it harder for a person to control their emotional responses.
How can you get anger out of your body?
According to the American Psychological Association, the three main approaches to managing anger are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing anger can be constructive or destructive. Constructive expression might look like calmly explaining why you are angry and politely suggesting a resolution, while destructive expression may look like aggression, rage, or threats.
Like expressing anger, suppressing anger can be either constructive or destructive. Constructive suppression typically refers to holding in anger and converting it into more productive behavior. Destructive suppression typically refers to anger turned on oneself, which may increase chronic stress. Finally, calming refers to controlling both outward behavior and internal emotional responses. Relaxation techniques are typically helpful in quickly reducing the internal sensations of anger and restoring calm.
How can you be nice to a mean person?
Being nice to a mean person may be challenging because it can take considerable effort to remain calm and collected when someone is being rude, unpleasant, or unkind. It may be helpful to exit the situation until the other person has had a chance to change their demeanor. Doing so protects your well-being and helps prevent unpleasant emotional escalations. If you cannot exit the situation, it may be helpful to have some quick strategies you can use to stay calm, like diaphragmatic breathing. It is also typically helpful to keep a close watch on your own emotional state. If you feel your anger beginning to rise, it may be worthwhile to use phrases like “I cannot help you if you treat me that way.” or “I don’t think you are being kind, and I am getting upset in response to communicate that you are not okay with how you are being treated.
How can you let go of hate?
Letting go of hate is often easier when you learn more about the person, place, or thing you find unpleasant. It may be helpful to take the perspective of those whom you hate to better understand their position and reasoning for their actions. If you hate someone because they have mistreated you, it may be best to focus on removing that person from your life or limiting your interactions with them. Letting go of hate may also require significant self-reflection to better understand your feelings and whether they are fair.
How can you stop letting people get to you?
Learning how to ignore people you find unpleasant, annoying, or irritating is likely an important skill. Adopting mindfulness techniques can help you live in the moment without experiencing unpleasant or overwhelming emotional reactions. Mindfulness helps you stay calm, even when experiencing significant external stressors.
How do I control my temper?
For many, controlling their temper begins with identifying anger triggers. Knowing what will spark your temper can help you avoid those situations and keep anger at bay. Of course, not all anger triggers can be avoided, and it will likely be helpful to have some tools at your disposal to manage your feelings once your temper has risen. A few common approaches are listed below:
- Express your anger. When expressing anger, the key is to ensure that you are choosing healthy methods of expression. Aggression is unhealthy and unlikely to be helpful, but calmly stated reasons for your anger may help change what angered you in the first place.
- Suppress your anger. Suppressing anger in a healthy way means preventing outward displays of irritation while putting that energy into more constructive behavior. It is important that you have somewhere else to place that angry energy, as internalized anger can significantly increase chronic stress.
- Calm yourself. Calming prevents external displays of anger and helps soothe internal feelings of irritation. Many people rely on relaxation techniques to help them proactively manage the unpleasant emotional sensations associated with anger.
What is my anger trying to tell me?
Understanding what your anger is trying to tell you likely involves contemplation and self-reflection. The justification for anger likely changes considerably from person to person, and you may need to think deeply about what is triggering your anger. If you find it challenging to understand where your anger originated, it may be helpful to work with a mental health professional. A therapist or other professional can help you investigate the root cause of your anger and determine proactive strategies to manage it.
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