Dating Someone With A Sex Addiction: Help And Advice

Sex addiction can be complex when it impacts your interpersonal relationships and dating life. Learning different scientifically supported strategies and theories around sex addiction may be a step in living healthily with a partner who has this addiction. There are several co-morbidities and contributing factors to sex addiction and supportive strategies to help both partners experience a higher quality of life.

What is sexual addiction? 

Sex addiction is not a referenced disorder in the most recent edition of the DSM-5. However, it is a term that can be used to describe excessive compulsive sexual behaviors and hypersexuality in individuals across the sex, identity, and gender spectrum. Sex addiction can manifest in several ways and is often a personal experience.

Sexual addiction often involves a difficult time controlling compulsive sexual behaviors, leading to concerns about how much sex is too much and the overall impact on sexual activity. This addiction may involve a wide range of activities, such as compulsive masturbation, pornography use, and engaging in sexual encounters with multiple partners. Individuals might find themselves driven by intense sexual urges even though doing so may negatively affect personal relationships and their own mental health. 

This type of addiction is also linked to various mental health conditions, including depression and anxiety, and other challenges, such as emotional distress and low self-esteem. Unprotected sex, a common aspect of compulsive sexual behavior, may lead to further complications, including the transmission of STDs. In addition, partners of those suffering from sexual addiction may experience significant emotional pain and immense strain on their relationship.

Dating a sex addict

If you are dating or married to someone who experiences sex and/or relationship addiction, you may feel overwhelmed, objectified, or frustrated with your partner’s addiction. Conversely, you may want to support your partner and not know how to begin. Reminding yourself that your feelings are valid and others may have them too can be valuable. Several supportive strategies, including the following, are available to try as you continue your relationship. 

Talk about sex and what is happening in your relationship

Your conversation with your partner may or may not be the first step toward them realizing that they have patterns of addiction around sex and intimacy. Talk about how their behavior affects you, framing the conversation from a lens of wanting to support and understand them better. 

As you speak, you may also choose to identify actions together that represent moving forward and healing, such as getting professional help and attending support meetings. A trained sex therapist or couple's therapist can work with both of you to help you navigate the individual effects of sex addiction in your relationship.

Acknowledge your feelings honestly

Some people dating a person with sex addiction may push their feelings to the side to preserve the integrity of the relationship. However, suppressing emotions isn't necessarily healthy and could encourage unhealthy relationship patterns and frustration. In addition, studies show that emotional suppression can harm health.

It may be possible that both partners in the relationship feel emotionally hurt by the circumstances. Either person may feel guilty, angry, insecure, or "stuck." These feelings can be valid, and validating each other may offer a bridge to connection. 

Note that you can love your partner or spouse while still feeling a deep sense of hurt. Overcoming events that may have happened because of sex addiction may not seem possible right now. However, it may be possible after speaking to a therapist and maintaining open communication.

Build a support system 

Support systems can be invaluable for both the partner of the person living with sex addiction and the person experiencing sexual addiction. It might seem difficult to talk to others about what is going on in your relationship. However, having someone you trust who isn't your partner can help you release painful emotions. 

You may consider choosing your support system carefully to encourage healthy patterns and support for both partners. If you are looking for support outside of close friends or family, therapists can be an effective option for venting and processing your feelings without the risk of embarrassment or unhelpful opinions. 

Consider your boundaries

Setting boundaries may be a healthy step in your relationship. Doing so might help you communicate more effectively and allow treatment to be more efficient for both individuals. Try to define what matters to you the most in a relationship regarding emotional, sexual, and physical connection and communicate these areas to your partner. 

Establish sexual boundaries 

While all boundaries can be crucial for a healthy relationship, sexual boundaries may benefit you and your partner. For example, continuing to partake in sex with your partner may not feel safe. It is always important to attend to sexual needs in ways that are mutually respectful and healthy for both of you.

You may consider requesting certain safety measures be put in place should you continue sexual relations during support and treatment, such as contraception, STD tests, or related requests. Open and honest conversation can support both or all partners in a relationship in getting their needs met and staying safe. 

Treatment options for those living with sex addiction

The treatment process for those experiencing sex addiction and those who are partnered with those living with sex addiction may involve a comprehensive approach of multiple healthcare providers. You may choose to make an appointment with a mental health professional to discuss what has been happening in your relationship. 

Some people may seek treatment for sex addiction in a rehab facility or via inpatient treatment. In addition, some who live with sexual addiction may benefit from rehabilitation if they also face other forms of addiction. Support groups may also be available online or in person for those living with sex addiction.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources.

Alternative support options 

Sex addiction can be a difficult experience for all people within a relationship. If you face barriers to in-person therapy, online counseling through platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples may be beneficial. Online therapy can be useful if you are nervous or ashamed to meet a clinician in person. This form of therapy is convenient, and you can use a nickname when speaking with your therapist if you'd like to remain discreet. 

Modalities like internet-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) have been indicated as effective for those experiencing sexual addictions as in-person therapy. Other forms of helpful therapy may be available to you in an online format, such as couples or group therapy. One study found that couples preferred online therapy due to its comforting approach and the distance between them and their therapist.