Topics To Talk About With Your Crush To Increase Intimacy

Updated February 27, 2023by BetterHelp Editorial Team

It’s common to develop a crush but then become nervous about how to move forward. Perhaps when you try to speak to the other person, you start to clam up. Or maybe you are searching for ideas on how to start a conversation that’ll help you get to know each other better. Perhaps your relationship almost seems more like a platonic relationship than a romantic one, but you're too nervous to carry it to the next level. The last thing you may want is to end up in the "friend zone" with this person for whom you have feelings. What are some things to talk about with your crush that can help you increase intimacy? Keep reading for some helpful suggestions. While the title of this article is about a crush, these tips can apply to any type of romantic relationship.

It's very common for one or both partners in a relationship to begin feeling as though the relationship has become mundane, or they are stuck in a rut and are not sure what it takes to get past that point. Often, it's a lack of familiarity. You aren't completely sure of all your partner's likes and dislikes, so you stick to a safe routine. You might feel unsure about venturing out or letting your new interest know the "real" you. While it can be scary, this is usually where meaningful intimacy takes place.

If you show that you can let your guard down and be vulnerable, your partner is likely to feel more comfortable and respond in a similar way. Some good ways to start increasing intimacy can be as simple as being straightforward with your feelings: "I am really interested in you, and I like you a lot. I really want to get to know you better". However, being forward like this can be awkward, and perhaps you don't know where to start. There are steps you can take to help overcome these stumbling blocks.

The Ins And Outs Of Who They Are

Intimacy Is Within Reach

Whether you’ve been together for an extensive amount of time or are starting to establish a more intimate relationship with a new person, a flirty question that can help you start a deep conversation and get to know who they really are is, “In your own words, how would you tell your life story?” If you’re in an existing relationship, you can preface it by saying, “I know we know each other well, but in your own words, how would you tell your life story?”

The reason this can be such an enlightening question is that we don’t always know exactly which life events stand out most for a person. You might know details about their life, but you might not know which of those details had the most profound impact on that person or what exactly that impact was. For newer relationships, you might get a very crucial backstory on this person that’ll help you get close and learn how to love each other best. For an established relationship, you may learn something new about your partner that simply never came up before.

The Non-Negotiables

Non-negotiables are not usually suitable topics for the first date. Sooner or later, though, you will need to talk about the things that are most important to you, both in a relationship and in life. This can include topics like goals and aspirations or whether you want to have children in the future. These are often known as deal breakers, and they should be discussed fairly early in a relationship. 

If you’re in a current relationship and have something important to talk about but are holding back, like a personal need, taking the leap could strongly increase intimacy. Sometimes, holding in what we’re afraid to talk about can decrease intimacy in a relationship and make us feel emotionally distant.

Bring On The Romance

Not many things kindle intimacy as pleasurably as a romantic evening. You are never too long-standing as a couple for a candlelit dinner, a bouquet of flowers, and some sultry music in the background (or whatever it is that constitutes a romantic evening for you and your partner). A relaxed atmosphere can help bring back memories and foster openness. Reminiscing about your first date, for example, is sure to bring a smile. It can also be extra special if you cook the meal yourself, or even cook it together.

Communicate about how you want to get affection from each other and promote romance in your relationship. Are there activities you want to do on a date? Do you know each other’s love languages? What makes them feel special? What makes you feel special?

As for the more day-to-day stuff, ask your partner "How was your day?" and really give them an open seat to talk. Show that you are not expecting a simple "good" or "fine”. It may not hurt, either, to verbally express that you want to increase emotional intimacy or have deeper conversations.

Reach For Nostalgia

People love nostalgia. That’s why many of us enjoy listening to our favorite bands from high school, thinking back to what our favorite toys were as kids, or watching TV shows from back in the day. Many of us like to talk about good memories from our childhoods, and your partner probably isn't any different. It can be amazing the things you can find in common when you talk about the past. If childhood doesn't bring up much, you can talk about college, first jobs, first apartments, and other things that you both will have different experiences with.

More Topics To Talk About With Your Crush

Common interests are a good place to start, but they aren’t the end. If you do have something special in common, like a great love for sports, ask about how they developed this passion. Play a good game of twenty questions with guidelines set on personal interests. Think of the things you can learn about each other!

If you and your partner both like to read, you could create your own “book club” and read the same books. If you don’t like sports or reading, there are endless hobbies that you can either find you have in common or, even better, start a new hobby together. Starting something neither of you has previous experience with can really bring a couple closer together and give you a lot of things to talk about. 

You and your partner should feel free enough to be able to say anything without fear of retribution or judgment. The only way you can achieve this is to make a practice of it from the start. Talk about anything and everything, no matter how insignificant or embarrassing it may seem. If you notice your partner seems nervous or is starting to shut down, make sure that you reiterate how accepting you are and that you just want to get to know them. Make sure that you do not laugh or make judgments, and respect boundaries when applicable.

Also, make sure to take the time to laugh with the one you love. Laughter is indeed good for the body and mind, and knowing what tickles your partner’s fancy may make things more interesting. Laughter, in general, can strengthen your bond. The two of you might take time to watch a funny show, make light out of little situations or trials that might arise when it’s healthy, be able to not take life too seriously, and laugh at all the funny things that happen around us all the time.

Intimacy Is Within Reach

Where It Leads

Deeper intimacy with your crush is the foundation for a meaningful relationship. As you acquire a greater understanding of what makes each other happy, you may find yourself thinking about the future. There may be nothing more satisfying than curling up together after an enjoyable evening to talk about what you mean to each other and where you see your relationship going.

To maintain a healthy relationship as time goes on, make sure that you don’t stop asking questions. You don’t want to get to a place where you are making assumptions about a partner instead of hearing things from them directly. And make sure that you continue putting effort toward the connection.

Get Support

If you want to start a relationship but face challenges like concerns related to confidence or communication, a counselor or therapist can help. They can also support you and your current partner through any relationship concerns you have so that you have what you need to establish a strong, reliable bond with one another. 

Concerns about intimacy, whether with a crush or a longstanding partner, can be sensitive topics. You may find it difficult to open up to a stranger about these things, even if they are a licensed therapist. This is where online therapy can play a role. In internet-based counseling, people often feel safer opening up about their feelings (romantic and otherwise). Plus, online counseling is more convenient as it can be accessed from your home or anywhere else you have an internet connection. 

This type of therapy has been confirmed by researchers as an effective treatment method for couples. A recent qualitative study suggests that many participants in online couples counseling experience similar outcomes compared to in-person therapy, and during sessions, some even forget the therapy is taking place online. 


The counselors at BetterHelp can address a wide variety of issues pertaining to relationships such as intimacy, maintaining relationships long-term, self-esteem, sex, and many others. Your relationship is likely one of the most important things to you. Make sure you get the most from it by taking the time to explore and nurture it and learn new skills through counseling.

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