When loneliness feels unbearable

While loneliness may mean different things to different people, the APA defines it as “affective and cognitive discomfort or uneasiness from being or perceiving oneself to be alone or otherwise solitary.

Loneliness can be a complicated emotion, making it difficult to manage for many. For instance, while many associate the term "loneliness" with being physically isolated from others, some individuals experience a sense of loneliness even when surrounded by others. Also, people depression (one of the primary symptoms of loneliness) may be more likely to isolate themselves from others and continue the cycle of loneliness. Many people experiencing loneliness may benefit from reaching out to a professional who can help identify the underlying sources of loneliness and provide insights and coping strategies for better managing those feelings.

The physical ramifications of loneliness

Some experts claim the health risks associated with loneliness are more significant than those that receive more public attention, such as physical inactivity or air pollution. Established studies have also shown that chronic loneliness may trigger the “fight or flight” response in the brain, negatively impacting the immune system and leading to higher inflammation levels. 

What extreme loneliness can do to your mental health

The relationship between extreme loneliness and mental health is often bi-directional, both causing and resulting from mental illness. Extreme loneliness can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression, which can cause the individual to isolate further. Over time, individuals may begin to identify patterns in which they wait for connection but withdraw and lose hope when emotional challenges arise, making it difficult for them to act in ways that rebuild meaningful social bonds.

Potential underlying causes of loneliness (And why you aren’t alone in feeling this way)

Decades of research shows that loneliness is a common experience. For example, one a recent report published by The Harvard Graduate School of Education suggests that 36% of all Americans feel profound loneliness. However, not everyone’s story is the same; the experience of loneliness can vary between individuals depending on several factors. 

Loneliness and mental health

Some people may experience a sense of disconnection that makes them feel lonely, even when they’re surrounded by people. Feeling connected to others may depend upon a few factors, including relatability and perceptions of social ostracization. For instance, if you’re passionate about art but those who surround you are only interested in sports, it may be challenging to establish a conversation based on a connection. In these situations, you may sense a gap between your interests and those of the group and guess that meaningful conversation will be difficult to sustain. If you want to discuss world news or social matters, but everyone around you avoids similar topics, you may feel isolated and as if you “don’t belong,” as though an important part of your identity is not recognized within the group. Additionally, loneliness can be both a symptom and a risk factor for mental health conditions like depression. 

Loneliness resulting from mental health challenges may become severe if the root cause remains untreated. For example, research data suggests that some people who have experienced trauma originating in childhood are much more susceptible to feelings of loneliness in adulthood. Loneliness caused by trauma may be dangerous because it might perpetuate a cycle of mental health issues. When an individual experiences a traumatic event that results in feelings of isolation, that isolation could produce more associated symptoms such as depression and anxiety. If untreated, this cycle may result in severe symptoms of depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you feel your loneliness may stem from trauma, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to discuss your symptoms.

Loneliness, older adults, and underserved communities

Research suggests that groups that are considered marginalized are often highly impacted by loneliness and isolation. These groups include, but aren’t limited to, people in the LGBT community, people experiencing homelessness, and those with physical or mental disabilities.Socioeconomic status, gender, racial or ethnic minority status, and age may also impact the likelihood of loneliness.

According to a report published in the National Library of Medicine, “more than one-third of adults aged 45 and older feel lonely, and nearly one-fourth of adults aged 65 and older are considered socially isolated.” 

Practical strategies for coping with loneliness

Sometimes, alleviating loneliness may be as simple as reaching out to family, friends, or neighbors; however, this strategy may not be optimal for everyone. Coping with loneliness may require a multi-step effort, including strategies you can use immediately and more long-term ones designed to help you address the underlying causes of your feelings. In many cases, it may help to act intentionally rather than remain waiting for a connection on its own. Practical ways to connect may include: 

• Consider participating in a book club or meetup. You might also try taking a class, participating in a recreational league, and learning a new skill, which can also promote self-growth while potentially giving you access to new social circles.
• Build meaning outside of relationships while increasing your exposure to other people. With a quick internet search, you might discover local volunteering opportunities or community art and service projects.
• If you’re a spiritual person, you might attend a study group or social event with your church or spiritual community. 
• Connection can grow from simple, repeated interactions. Chatting with the same cashier at the grocery store or visiting the same coffee shop every week can create friendly familiarity instead of waiting for deeper relationships to form all at once.

Additionally, some organizations focus on helping adults over 50 and those with difficulties leaving their homes. They look to help those experiencing loneliness at the community level and may include community awareness programs. 

A word about social media

It is possible to use technology positively to help alleviate loneliness and build connections with others. Video chats, texting, and messaging friends and loved ones may help you overcome barriers to socialization. An internet search may also help you find online communities based on shared interests. Keep in mind, however, that excessive social media use can exacerbate loneliness in several ways:

• Too much social media can drive the “comparison trap,” leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and envy
• Seeing friends (or people you don’t even know) out and engaging in exciting social activities can lead to anxiety, insecurity, and “FOMO” (fear of missing out)
• Excessive screen time can reduce or replace opportunities for real-world interactions key for building emotionally intimate and supportive relationships
• Online “trolling” and negative comments can increase feelings of rejection and, consequently, loneliness

Healing yourself while connecting with others

Sometimes, overcoming loneliness isn’t just a matter of finding ways to interact with others, particularly for individuals experiencing depression or anxiety who may feel lonely regardless of how many people they’re surrounded by. If this sounds like your experience, it might be more helpful to get in touch with yourself and create small moments of connection within your own life. Below are some suggestions for how to take good care of yourself when you feel lonely. 

• Get in touch with your feelings: Instead of fighting the feeling, name your loneliness and express it through journaling, art, or talking to a friend. Giving yourself space to pause and reflect in the moment can help you understand what your emotions are trying to tell you. 
• Create nourishing rituals: Establish routines that make you feel comfortable and cared for, such as making a special cup of tea, lighting a candle, listening to a motivating song on the way to work, or walking in nature
• Move regularly: Physical activity, such as walking, running, or going to the gym, increases dopamine and helps break the cycle of rumination
• Make the most of your solitude: Consider your alone time as an opportunity to deepen your relationship with yourself. Explore new hobbies, read books, or learn a new skill
• Adopt a pet or volunteer with an animal shelter: Caring for an animal can provide companionship and a sense of purpose. Even watching animals play can increase joy and decrease feelings of loneliness.
• Go outside: Spending time in sunlight increases Vitamin D and can boost your mood

Reaching out when it feels hard

If you’re experiencing loneliness due to social anxiety or depression, the challenge may be in getting the motivation to reach out. It might help to start small by sending a quick text or making short phone call to a friend. Identify people who make you feel heard, safe, and non-judged, and reach out. Sometimes this may be as simple as leaving a supportive comment on a message or post, or checking in to hear how someone else is doing. Even if you feel you’re always the one reaching out, initiate contact to build resilience. 

Additionally, consider sharing that you’re struggling with loneliness with someone you trust; this can deepen connections. Schedule casual but concrete, low-stakes interactions, such as a walk, coffee, or a movie rather than a vague “let’s hang out.”

If you’re having trouble motivating yourself to be social, consider therapeutic treatment for mental health issues related to isolation and loneliness. For example, therapists may use cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychodynamic therapies to help patients people uncover the causes of their loneliness and develop the tools they need to cope with it. A therapist skilled in practicing CBT can help you break negative thought patterns that reinforce loneliness, such as “People don’t want me around,” “I’m awkward,” or “Everyone has a social life but me.” In CBT, you ca learn to challenge and reframe those beliefs into more positive, realistic ones. 

Consider online counseling

Regardless of the source of your loneliness, therapy can be beneficial. Even if you feel that you can “deal with it” on your own, the potential damage that isolation and loneliness may cause to physical and mental health could be a compelling reason to speak to a therapist. Through therapy, individuals may gain access to professional guidance and discover new perspectives and coping strategies that help them better understand and manage their feelings.

For some, feelings associated with isolation and loneliness may create barriers to visiting a therapist in person. For instance, feelings of anxiety commonly associated with loneliness can make encountering others in a therapist’s office uncomfortable. Some feel awkward about speaking to a traditional therapist due to the perceived social stigma that sometimes surrounds loneliness.

Online therapy is an option for people who are uncomfortable speaking to a therapist in person. It allows the client to connect with a therapist online from the comfort of home or anywhere with an internet connection via video conference, phone call, or live messaging. Research shows that online therapy is just as effective as traditional therapy. Additionally, because it removes some common barriers associated with visiting a therapist in person, patients engaged in online counseling are often more [likely to follow through with treatment.