Entering or reentering the dating world can be nerve-wracking for many people. First, know that you’re not alone if the idea of pursuing romantic relationships makes you nervous or afraid. Next, read on to learn more about why this might be and to discover strategies that can help.
Is your attachment style causing a fear of dating?
A fear of dating is not uncommon, nor is it unfounded. Getting involved in the world of adult relationships can sometimes have painful consequences. Some common fears include being rejected, committing to the wrong person, feeling pain as a result of a romantic relationship, or not finding someone you connect with, and feeling lonely as a result. Those who have been in unhealthy relationships previously or ones that ended in an upsetting way may also be afraid to open personal boundaries in case they’re hurt again.
In addition to nervousness about some of these possibilities, adult attachment styles may also play a role in why they fear dating. Attachment theory contends that the way someone is raised influences their behavior into adulthood, especially as it relates to giving and receiving love.
Types of attachment styles
There are the four different attachment styles, and by understanding fearful avoidant attachment and other attachment styles, you can begin to take the next step towards your well being, whether it’s through something like marital therapy or simply talking to a loved one.
Sometimes also referred to as preoccupied attachment, a person with this attachment style may struggle with believing they’re competent in or worthy of receiving love from others but typically trust others to give it. This negative view of themselves may manifest as frequent validation-seeking from romantic partners in an effort to quell their fears that they will be abandoned. They often desire closeness, but at the same time, may have lots of doubts about being abandoned.
Dismissive-avoidant
A person with this attachment style believes they are worthy of love and competent in giving it but does not trust others to provide it. They may become highly self-sufficient in an effort to minimize their need for vulnerable interpersonal relationships at all for fear of being let down.
Fearful avoidant attachment style
Sometimes also referred to as disorganized attachment, a fearful avoidant attachment style may make a person doubt their own competence in finding or maintaining a loving connection with someone as well as that competence in others. Fearful avoidant individuals may feel anxiety when starting to fall for someone, causing them to go back and forth between pursuing that person and withdrawing out of fear.
Secure attachment style
A person with this attachment style has faith in both their own and other people’s competence and reliability in giving and receiving love. They’re likely to be able to form and maintain loving connections, forming healthy relationships where they feel secure.
People with any of the first three styles on the list above may face more fear around dating than the people with secure attachment patterns. Because they doubt their own abilities to love, other people’s reliability in providing it, or both, they may find it difficult to be vulnerable, build trust, or communicate openly when in a relationship. Or, the fear of not having their needs met or being rejected or abandoned may act as an obstacle to them dating or entering into a relationship in the first place.
Attachment styles are not fixed. Through focused, committed work—often with the help of a trained therapist—you can overcome emotional wounds from childhood trauma or past relationships and develop secure attachment patterns.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
While dating may still cause you a bit of tension or stress, your work and self-awareness may get you to a point where it’s minimal and doesn’t hold you back from pursuing happiness and fulfillment.
Finally, it’s worth noting that some people may fear or have additional anxiety around dating for reasons unrelated to their attachment behaviors and style. Mental health disorders such as social anxiety disorder can cause so much fear, tension, and even physical symptoms like dizziness or nausea that it may prevent someone from wanting to enter into dating situations. Some neurodivergent people have difficulties accurately interpreting and acting on social cues—especially indirect or subtle ones—which can make dating seem even more daunting. Some people with disabilities may face judgment or prejudice from potential sexual partners, which can make the process feel extra stressful. In other words, there are many different reasons a person might fear dating, and addressing each one on your own or with a counselor may help you overcome them. Also, certain disorders are often associated with different attachment styles. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may show signs of anxious/preoccupied, unresolved, and/or fearful avoidant attachment.
Getty/AnnaStills
Improving fearful avoidant attachment
If you feel you may have a fearful avoidant attachment or fear of dating, you might consider trying some of the suggestions below.
1. Pinpoint your fears
What exactly are you afraid of? To be able to address your fears, it usually helps to identify them first. Are you afraid of getting close to someone and being seen for who you really are? Have past experiences made you fear cheating or tough breakups? Are you worried you’ll have to give up on things that are important to you in order to be in a relationship? Whether unfounded or not, you’ll generally need to pinpoint your core fears around dating and relationships to figure out how you can work through or manage them.
2. Learn to set boundaries
Setting boundaries can be a way to keep yourself safe and comfortable in a new or existing relationship. Learning to do this with a partner can help you feel safer in romantic situations. For example, how much communication do you prefer? If frequent texting with someone new throughout the day makes you feel overwhelmed or like things are moving too fast, you can tell how much communication you’d prefer instead. If you need regular alone time in a relationship, you can let your partner know. If you don’t like to kiss on the first date, or if hand-holding isn’t your thing, you can tell that to the person you’re dating. Setting down boundaries like this may help you feel more in control and less inclined to act from a place of fearful avoidant attachment.
3. Try to keep a positive perspective
Rejection and emotional pain are sometimes part of dating, whether you have a fearful avoidant attachment style or not. Feeling your feelings is often an important part of working through them—but once you’ve done that, focusing on the positive may help you move forward instead of letting a bad experience hold you back. You can look at both positive and negative dating experiences as just that: experiences. Point out to yourself what you learned from each one, or the good memories you may have made along the way. Remind yourself that the experience made you a more well-rounded person and better equipped to face the next situation.
4. Consider speaking with a therapist
A trained therapist can be an invaluable resource as you move through the dating world. Their job is to provide a safe, nonjudgmental space where you can tell your fears and other feelings so you can work through them together. A counselor can help you identify and work through past emotional wounds that may be holding you back in your dating life now. They can assist you in building up your communication skills or your self-esteem, or tell strategies for managing conditions like anxiety. In other words, they can help you find the tools to pursue a fulfilling dating life, if that’s your goal.
It can also be important to love and have compassion for yourself. Many of us enter adulthood as our own harshest critics, and there's no need to feel helpless. We can talk to ourselves in a harsh, critical way that we would never use with our family and friends. You may need to work on understanding and accepting yourself in order to be able to have a healthy relationship with other people. Attachment styles are not set in stone, and you can change your fearful avoidant attachment style if you work on it.
In addition, it’s important to have hobbies and goals that truly enrich your life before you add a love partner into the mix. What do you enjoy? Where do you want to be in a year? Asking yourself these questions will help you fill your time with positive activities that support you to better enjoy your life and feel fulfilled.
Some people find meeting with a therapist virtually to be more comfortable and convenient. Research suggests that therapy done in an online format can provide clients with similar benefits to in-person treatment for a variety of concerns and conditions. An online therapy platform like BetterHelp can match you with a therapist who you can talk to via phone, video, and/or chat so you can get the guidance you seek from the comfort of your own home. You can find client reviews of BetterHelp therapists below.
Remember that everyone is different. The most effective form of therapy for you is the one that makes you feel most comfortable. Providers are available both online and in person to help you work through the fears or other challenges you may be facing.
Counselor reviews
“I’m really happy I got to talk to Mark, he’s very delightful, he helped me go through some tough times. Helped me reduce my anxiety and deal with my attachment issues. Very respectful. Very professional.”
“Jodi has been of great help and has helped me work on a few different aspects of my life. I’ve struggled with intimacy-related issues that have caused my self-esteem to dip, as well as career path anxiety. He’s been a great help in guiding me to feel better about everything which has allowed me to continue to improve and get better. I’ll definitely be coming back to him in the future if needed.”
Takeaway
Dating can seem scary or intimidating to many people for all kinds of different reasons. If you’re interested in how fearful avoidant attachment can progress to a more secure attachment style so that you can have happy and healthy relationships, a therapist may be able to help.
Frequently asked questions
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.
Do fearful avoidants get attached easily?
No. According to attachment theory, people with a fearful avoidant attachment style often tend to want relationships but are prone to find excuses to leave when the relationship begins to feel too intimate.
What do fearful avoidants need?
Fearful avoidant adults have an insecure attachment. Abuse, neglect, or a lack of attention from parents are common causes of fearful avoidant attachment in children. Fearful avoidant children carry this into their adult attachment style. These individuals need to feel wanted and cared for. They need reassurance of love and commitment, and to feel safe to express themselves without fear of judgment.
What do fearful avoidants fear most?
People with fearful avoidant attachments fear rejection above all else. They often feel unlovable, and want to seek intimacy with others, but often leave relationships quickly to avoid being rejected.
What not to do with a fearful avoidant?
Someone with an adult attachment that’s fearful avoidant will strenuously avoid perceived criticism, too many emotional demands, or a feeling of being controlled. When dealing with someone who has this type of attachment, there is a careful balance to be met between reassurance that you aren’t going to reject them, and attempting to avoid overwhelming them with intimacy.
Can fearful avoidants have long term relationships?
Yes, they can. None of the four adult attachment styles are set in stone. With patience and with professional help from a licensed therapist, an individual with a fearful avoidant style can work toward developing healthy relationships with others.
How does a fearful avoidant show love?
A fearful avoidant person have similar patterns of behavior as those with borderline personality disorder. In relationships, you will often see that fearful avoidants engage in compulsive behavior regarding sex, with lots of partners. They tend to crave intimacy, but become fearful when they receive it, so they move on to the next relationship. They are also at greater risk for compulsive behavior or addictions.
How do you make a fearful avoidant feel safe?
The fearful avoidant child craves attention and care, but may avoid caregivers as much as possible, as they fear that they will be rejected. This may be due to their environment, but a child with a disorganized attachment may also behave this way due to hereditary factors. In addition, adult attachment styles may play a role: fearful avoidant parents are more likely to have fearful avoidant children.
In the case of children, young adults, or adults give them assurance. Phrases like “you’re safe”, “I love you; I won’t turn on you”, or “I’m here for you”. Find ones that resonate with them, and use them when needed. Also, keep your word. Make sure they can trust you when you tell them something. Finally, be alert to your own needs, especially in adult relationships. Make sure that your own needs are being met, and that you aren’t giving all of your energy to your partner—you can only help them if you are replenishing yourself.
Communicating with fearful avoidant attachment
Clear, open, and reassuring communication is the best way to forge healthy relationships with a person with fearful attachment. Find ways to tell them that they’re safe with you, and that you care for them. Also, be clear that you won’t push them for more than they’re willing to give as far as intimacy goes.
How do fearful avoidants deal with no contact?
No contact is a huge fear that can trigger negative emotions like anxiety or depression. Rejection is what this adult attachment style fears most.
What makes fearful avoidant commit?
A combination of trust for the other person, and in many cases therapy. Therapy is the most effective way to address the underlying trust issues that cause a fearful avoidant person to push others away when things get too serious.
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
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