Why Some Don’t Want To Fall In Love

By: Steven Finkelstein

Updated October 08, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Melinda Santa

Have you ever heard someone declare that they don't want to fall in love? Most people don't say that sort of thing. That's because there's a societal assumption that the average person is going to couple with someone when they grow up, and then possibly start a family together. In reality, though, there are plenty of individuals these days who would like to forego falling in love because they have other priorities. Let's go over some of the key reasons that people might decide that they don't want to fall in love.

If You Don't Fall in Love, You Won't Be Hurt

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A common reason that people decide to stay away from love and romance is that they feel like they won't have their hearts broken if they don't ever date anyone. Usually, the sort of person who would make this kind of decision has seen firsthand what can happen when a relationship goes awry. Perhaps they come from a broken home, and it was their parents who they saw turn against one another. Sometimes divorces or separations can become intensely bitter. Custody battles can take place, which can scar the children involved for the rest of their lives. It makes total sense that someone who saw that sort of thing up close would decide not to get into a relationship in the first place.

There is nothing necessarily wrong with this sort of mentality. If you have determined to never fall in love, then, indeed, you're not going to be hurt in the same fashion that your parents were. If this is your reason for not wanting to fall in love, though, then maybe at some point you will change your mind. You may feel as though you never want to open yourself up to love because of the heartache that could result, but if the right person comes along, then you might sing a different tune. Life is long, and despite your convictions, you might want to break your word under the right circumstances.

Avoiding Love for Religious Reasons

There are also those individuals who say that they are done with love, or who choose never to experience it because it goes against what they believe to be a divine calling. For instance, nuns of the Catholic church or men who join the priesthood are expected to serve God rather than to have a partner and a family.

In some cases, these individuals experienced love and physical intimacy before they decided to dedicate their lives to a higher calling. It's a difficult decision to make, so it's clear for those who make it that they're devoted fervently to their religion. There are all kinds of other religious orders besides Catholicism where those who serve are also expected never to have families or children.

Academia and Other Jobs

Some people decide to never fall in love and to avoid romance because they feel that the career path that they are choosing is too rigorous. Some academics give their lives over to the study and the teaching of a particular subject or discipline, and while there is no prohibition against their finding love, they act as though there is.

Some individuals who are extremely dedicated to corporate or environmental careers also choose not to get involved with anyone. They are, essentially, married to their work. Perhaps if you're someone who is dedicated to helping protect endangered animals or you're dead set on getting to a position of prominence in your company, then you don't have any intention of ever finding love.

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Much as is the case with people who don't want to fall in love because they're worried about their feelings being hurt, if you're one of those who avoid love because of a job, then you might not feel the same way about things forever. A time might come when you've achieved what you wanted to in that career path, and you're ready to explore at least the possibility of being with someone. You might reconsider marriage, a family, or cohabitating. Some people have a very firm idea in their minds of how they want their lives to go, but then after many years, they relent. You never know if and when your priorities are going to change.

Avoiding Love for Military Duty

Some people do not want to fall in love or raise a family because they are actively enrolled in one of the branches of the military. Those who are active in combat might not want to have a family or a love interest because they know that their lives are dangerous.

Avoiding love for them becomes a selfless act. They know that they could be killed or maimed, and they don't want a loved one to have to deal with that. These individuals are courageous, though what is already a difficult job becomes even more so because they don't have a loved one or a family to act as a support network for them. If this is a choice that you've made, then hopefully you at least have some other family members with whom you are close. It's challenging to face the inherent difficulties of this sort of life if you're completely alone.

Those Who Are Not Willing to Give Love a Second Chance

There is one additional group of people who don't want to have anything to do with love, and that's those who experienced it before and had a decidedly awful experience with it. There are some loves which fail so spectacularly that they leave scars that seem as though they will never heal. Years of therapy are sometimes needed to get over these sorts of breakups.

If these individuals never fall in love again, then they are okay with that. They've tried it once, or a few times, and now they're ready to explore a solitary existence. They feel like based on what they've gone through, being alone is a better option for them.

Will You Always Want To Be Alone?

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For any of the situations described, the critical question is whether you are always going to feel the same way that you do now. You might have carved out a life for yourself where love seems superfluous. Based on what you went through in the past, what you saw others go through, or based on religious fervor or career choices that you made, you might have it in your head that you can get along fine for the rest of your life without love.

However, by doing so, it's hard to argue with the notion that you have made things hard on yourself. Many people feel that love is the finest and purest of human emotions. It compels you to better yourself, to do things that you might not have believed were possible on your own. When you love someone so sincerely that you want to become a better person for them, how can that be a bad thing?

When you're alone, you don't have anyone to commiserate with when life deals you a blow, and you do not have anyone to celebrate with when you accomplish something toward which you were working. Those who do not get sick of their own company when they're alone for every second of every day are a rare breed. You might feel that you're one of them now, but you might not feel that way forever.

Allow Yourself Some Flexibility

Being alone sometimes is fine. It is a healthy thing to be solitary on occasion, and to gauge how you are feeling about various things that are happening in your life. But a life lived alone must almost always be a lonely existence as well. Humans are, by our natures, social animals. To wall off that part of yourself is likely to cause you pain.

It is far better if you find yourself in any of the situations described, to not be completely rigid about rejecting love. There might be a time when you've accomplished all you want to in your career, and you want to start dating. You might meet the right person and decide that love is worth the risk again. Even a religious calling can lose its luster sometimes if a chance at love presents itself. It seems likely that any deity would forgive you for this lapse, if they perceive that you have a genuine chance at happiness in this world.

Also, remember that if you do find love and start a family, you will have someone more inclined to take care of you as you grow older. If you're infirm, and have no family members whom you love around you, you're going to be trusting your care to strangers. Most people would admit that this is a less than ideal situation.

Navigating Love With BetterHelp

Studies have shown that online therapy can be an effective way of dealing with anxiety, depression, or similar issues stemming from concerns about love. In one study, 64% of patients experiencing symptoms related to social anxiety disorder responded positively to internet-based therapy. Treatment came in the form of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), a widely accepted method of helping patients deal with complicated emotions. With internet-based CBT, therapists help people to reframe unhelpful or negative thoughts, so that they can learn to manage social situations and interactions in a healthy manner.

As mentioned above, if you’re having trouble prioritizing, or managing your emotions due to issues with love or romance, online therapy can help. At BetterHelp, you’ll have the option of working with a wider array of therapists than you might find through traditional therapy. With more options for finding a licensed therapist, you have a better chance of matching with a counselor who knows exactly how to help you through this time in your life. Read below for counselor reviews, from BetterHelp users experiencing similar issues.

Counselor Reviews

“I was nervous to start BetterHelp, but Jilla Lavian has been welcoming and easy to talk to from day 1. She listens and asks questions that really make me think. She has also taught me some useful mindfulness visualization techniques that have helped my relationships and my stress. I am so glad I am working with her and happy I found someone who I felt trust in very quickly.” 

“Karyn's perspective on my life and my experiences, particularly in my relationships, has opened my eyes to things I've never been able to see before in my own personality and behaviour. She challenges me! She affirms me! She laughs with me! When I cry, she talks me through it and lets it happen! It's been so helpful and wonderful to have an outside perspective on my feelings during a pandemic, especially. She's helping me become the best version of myself.”

Conclusion

It can be difficult sometimes to know quite what to do about a romantic entanglement. Maybe you were set against love, but someone has come along who has thrown your carefully made plans out of balance. No matter what you’re experiencing, speaking with a licensed mental health professional can help give you clarity.


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