I Love My Fiancé, But I'm Not Sure If I'm "In Love"
By: Robert Porter
Updated February 03, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Shemya Vaughn , LPC, CRC
When you agree to get married, you may fear at first that this isn't truly what you want. This may just be a case of cold feet, but it may also be your gut instinct warning you that you're about to make a mistake. It might feel very difficult to discern whether you're in love with your fiancé or if you're just going through the motions. It's important to figure out what you want to do, though, since this is a huge decision that is going to impact the rest of your life.
Marriage is a commitment, and it isn't something that you should do without putting a lot of thought into it. Sometimes, people stay with a partner for a long time because they just want to be able to keep things the same. You might not be entirely sure that you love your partner deeply enough to get married. It's true that you probably shouldn't have said "yes" to the proposal if your feelings are this conflicted, but problems like this are more common than many realize. You might have simply been worried about hurting your lover's feelings by saying no.
Understand that you are not alone and that this is something that many people go through. You need to be able to search your feelings to discover what you really want to do. If you don't love your fiancé, then you might need to move on. If you do love your fiancé, then you might need to come to terms with your feelings and deepen your understanding of commitment. There are things that you can do to try to come to terms with your feelings so that you can make a decision.
Meeting Someone New
Perhaps the best way to tell whether you're still in love with your fiancé is if you find yourself falling for someone new. You must be unhappy if you're looking elsewhere, right? Not necessarily. You have to be careful here. What at first might seem like a good idea may be setting yourself up for a bad pattern. If you find yourself hopping from one relationship to another because the new person "makes you feel alive," then the chances are that this won't be the only time you do this.
What you're doing in this situation is, simply put, chasing a high. Falling in love is a chemical reaction in your brain and it's only temporary. While you may feel young and alive again, that feeling will not last unless you change something within yourself to fill the void that you're trying to fill with a new relationship. It would be very unfortunate to realize years down the road that you gave up a great relationship because you thought that the grass would be greener on the other side.
When it comes to physical attraction, simply put, looks fade. Have you ever seen a hot 90-year-old? You may be able to see hints of the good-looking person they once were, but that's the difference: it's who they once were.
Everyone ages. We all get gray hair (or lose our hair), wrinkles, and some extra chub around the middle. When people get deeper into their middle-aged years, they start to change physically. If you're with someone simply because you find them attractive, then you are bound to be disappointed, and sooner rather than later.
True, some people still look fantastic in their 50s and 60s, but the reality is that you will be much happier if you marry someone for their mind rather than their looks. Yes, physical attraction is important, especially for a healthy sex life, but it's not everything. If you find yourself consistently telling people how hot your fiancé is, and not much else, then you may need to re-evaluate not only your relationship but also who you choose to marry (and why) in the future.
Consider finding someone who will make you laugh, and with whom you share great conversation. These things are lifesavers when you fall on hard times, or even if you just need a pick-me-up after a hard day. A communication breakdown is one of the most common causes of a breakup. So, it's important to find someone with whom communication is easy and fluid. With this in mind, you'll have a better shot at finding lifelong happiness.
An Argument Does Not Always Signal The End
If you find yourself arguing a lot with your fiancé of late, this may not necessarily mean that you're no longer a good fit. Every couple has rough patches. Is he having a tough time at work lately? Are you finding it difficult to find a job? Are you stressed out about your family, his family, your biological clock?
Some things can stress us out and get in the way of enjoying time with each other, but that doesn't mean that the relationship is necessarily doomed. Get this: most couples have issues that will simply never resolve. The key for couples that last isn't that they overcome all of their problems, but that they find ways to manage the problems they have effectively.
Is Your Sex Life A Bore?
Many of us are ready to throw in the towel when sex gets predictable or boring. You may feel like there's nowhere to go from here, like sex can never be exciting with your fiancé again, so you have to find someone new to be able to enjoy yourself. But this doesn't have to be the case.
Consider trying things you've never tried before. There are many ways you can spice things up in the bedroom. Some couples try to use sex toys while others will have a better time by simply trying out new positions. There are so many ways that you can spice up your sex life that it would be a missed opportunity not to at least try some new things if you're feeling a bit bored. You may also want to consider seeing a licensed professional who specializes in sex therapy and who can help guide you and your fiancé into making the best possible decisions for your particular relationship.
Your sex life is something that can improve if you want to work on it. People can get better at sex and they can learn to accommodate their partner's interests. It might be a bad idea to throw away a great relationship without at least trying to work on things. If you're committed to one another, then you can absolutely develop a satisfying sex life—it just takes an open mind, a little creativity, and honesty.
Understanding Mature Love
When you understand what mature love is, then you can better determine whether that is what you have with your partner. Sure, the early days of falling in love are a blast, the flowers, the unexpected gifts "just because," the spontaneous romantic getaways, the phone calls that keep you both up all night. But all of this fades, and what's important is what's left when the dust settles.
True love, mature love, is about commitment. It's about wanting to do everything you can to better your partner's life, and having apartner who wants to do the same for you. It's about communicating with each other, sharing everything with each other, from your hopes and desires to a bad day at work. And it's about you wanting to comfort your partner on those bad days, and them comforting you in return on yours.
True love is not about love notes in a locker or romantic gestures in the rain. True love is something a lot deeper than that. It's about having someone to come home to, and knowing that you can share anything with this person. It's about working toward shared goals and always knowing that you have each other's backs through thick and thin. True love is about selflessness, and about loving every day that you get to spend with your partner, even the boring ones.
Changing Your Thinking
What do you do when you realize that you are, in fact, chasing a high? When you realize that there's nothing wrong with your partner, yet you still desperately desire to feel that "in love" feeling again? The first thing you must understand is that the adage is true: you can't truly love another person until you love yourself.
This is because to love another truly, that feeling comes from a confident, self-assured, and secure place within ourselves. If we don't feel confident and secure, then we can't possibly develop a strong, secure bond with another person. If that key ingredient is missing, then you may need to do some soul-searching on what you need to do to make yourself happy and to change your outlook on life.
You may need to seek professional help to sort things out, and that's okay. It can be incredibly difficult to figure out on your own how to solve a problem, especially one as big as a fundamental change within yourself.
So, if you feel like you need to keep constantly chasing that "in love" feeling, then this is a signal that you are not completely fulfilled as a person. This has nothing to do with your current relationship and everything to do with making that change within yourself.
Infatuation is fun, no doubt. Who doesn't want to be giddy in love, adored by their partner, and living by the seat of their pants, anxious to see what each new day brings on this whirlwind romance? But the fact of the matter is that infatuation can't hold a candle to real love. Infatuation is child's play. When you fall in real love, now you're sitting at the adult's table.
Maybe It's For The Best
Maybe you've evaluated your relationship and you've decided that, you know what, you aren't "in love" with your fiancé anymore. First thing's first: thank the lucky stars that you realized it before you tied the knot, rather than after. Second, be sure to address the issue sooner rather than later.
You don't want to drag the situation out for the sake of your partner's feelings. This never works. Ultimately, your partner will realize you've been unhappy for a while and will resent you for not ending things sooner. Yes, this is difficult to do and quite sad, but the longer you wait to break things off with your fiancé, the more you delaythe chance of meeting someone new and finding that true happiness.
Couples Counseling With BetterHelp
A growing number of studies show that online therapy platforms can provide valuable counseling to couples. In a comprehensive report published in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, researchers evaluated the effectiveness of online counseling for both distressed and satisfied couples. In the study, researchers mention several benefits of online therapy for couples including increased communication, decreased aggression, andoverall better relationship functioning. There is also evidence, they state, that online couples counseling can improve romantic excitement, relationship satisfaction, and empathy. These findings are consistent with those of numerous current studies illustrating the effectiveness of online therapy for varied mental health issues.
As discussed above, if the spark isn't there anymore, then online couples counseling might be able to assist you. You can work with a licensed BetterHelp counselor from the comfort of your home, via videoconferencing, voice call, messaging, and live chat. Without having to potentially run into people you know or discuss your treatment with anyone but your counselor, you can rest easy that counseling will be a private experience. Also, every counselor is thoroughly vetted, so you’ll know you’re working with a qualified, licensed professional. A mental health expert can give you and your fiancé the guidance you need when you’re going through a difficult time. Take a look at the BetterHelp counselor reviews below to see how others experiencing similar issues have been able to get help.
“Mark has been extremely attentive to everything that I disclose. He’s not only provided me support but insight and encouragement to let me know I’m on a good path to self improvement and discovery. Furthermore, Mark has provided me valuable insight on my romantic relationship, specifically with learning more about the relationship dynamics and how to build a stronger, healthier relationship.”
“A year ago I was experiencing difficulties in my relationship, which highly affected my psychological state and interfered with my work. At one point, I decided to try Betterhelp.com. My counselor Dr. Brewer helped me to see some things I couldn't on my own and encouraged me to prioritize myself. It was a huge help for me at that point, which led to the decisions I am happy about.”
Love is a complex feeling, and you don't want to lose a committed relationship without thinking things through. There is help. And with it, you can determine what is going on in your life and how to move toward the loving future that you desire. You don't have to live with lingering thoughts. A fulfilling relationship is within reach—all you need are the right tools. Take the first step today.
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