Love Behind Screens: Impacts Of An Idealized Media Portrayal Of Love

Media may play a role in shaping your worldview from early childhood into adulthood. Film, music, news, and social media posts can influence your perception of people, places, situations, and concepts, including success and love. 

In popular media, love and romance are popular topics. Movies, music, television shows, novels, and social media content often tell stories of love, heartbreak, and steamy romance. Alongside fictional works, reality shows, and tabloids often latch onto “real life” love stories to generate an audience. These images and ideas are often exaggerated for entertainment. 

In other words, many forms of media give false impressions about love. While the consumption of love and romance-centric media is common and enjoyable for many individuals, its influence can affect expectations and feelings in real-life relationships, which may be positive or negative, depending on the circumstances.  

What is idealization in relationships, or "fantasy love"?

Idealization is defined as the conception of a person or situation that dwells on advantages and ignores deficiencies. Often, idealizing means believing something or someone is “perfect” despite potential flaws. In the context of romantic relationships, an individual’s personal beliefs and cultural influences like media may lead them to idealize a certain partner, a certain relationship dynamic, or romantic relationships in general. Doing so might sometimes result in unfair expectations, unhealthy dynamics, or other challenges. Working with an online therapist can be an effective way to address underlying beliefs and patterns about relationships that may be holding you back.

How the idealization of fantasy love can form behind screens 

Early exposure to fantasy portrayals of love, such as those shown in children’s movies like Cinderella and Snow White, can impact how a person views relationships as they age. For example, many stories like these show romantic love as instant, intense, effortless, and lasting, which could lead a person to subconsciously expect the same from their own connections. This effect might be particularly strong if kids or teens have their first crush be an actor on a screen, potentially leading them to carry these perceptions into adulthood.

Or, a teen or adult might watch romantic comedies where a character uses unhealthy behaviors like negging and intermittent reinforcement to keep someone romantically interested in them. Particularly without a strong sense of media literacy, a person may internalize these messages and not realize how they impact their real-life relationship views and behaviors.

Fantasy love in romantic vs. platonic relationships

While examples of idealized romantic love in the media may be more common, portrayals of platonic love or familial love may sometimes get the same treatment. For example, a piece of media may show an idealized representation of a family or parents who never experience disagreements, or friendships that are formed instantly and maintained with no effort. The concept of “fantasy love” can appear in any of these contexts.

Ways that love behind screens can impact perceptions of relationships

For entertainment purposes, a TV show, movie, or social media account’s portrayal of relationships can sometimes offer a distorted view of the nuances of a real connection. The following are a few examples of ways that fantasy portrayals of love in media may shape and even warp a person’s perception of relationships.

An unrealistic lack of diversity 

Along with shaping one’s perception of love, consuming media often influences personal views of societal norms and values. Though the push for diverse representation in media has made strides, people with minority identities remain underrepresented in mainstream entertainment. 

A lack of diverse love, such as interracial love, LGBTQIA+ love, and many other forms of love in mainstream media, may harm one’s perception of love. Media often dictates views of what love “should” look like, which is shown to children and people who are impressionable. When a young BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ child only sees heterosexual or white couples on TV, they might assume that the type of relationships they crave are unhealthy or unrealistic. They may believe that they must hide themselves or seek out unfulfilling or traumatic relationships. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Alternatively, media that depicts many different instances of love can positively affect those it represents. Diverse representation also has the potential to widen the lens of love for those who may hold a limited view. 

Idealization of unhealthy behaviors in relationships

Another potentially harmful effect of media portrayals of love comes from idealizing certain unhealthy relationship behaviors, such as: 

• Jealousy
• Possessiveness
• Controlling behavior

While often portrayed as romantic or passionate on screen, these behaviors can be detrimental to the health and functionality of a relationship in real life. 

An example of this behavior comes from the movie and book series Twilight. In the series, a main character pursues his love interest by obsessing over her with possessive behaviors, including sneaking into her house and watching her sleep, among other things. Although portrayed as romantic in the movie, this behavior would be illegal and scary in real life. 

When a child or adult sees this portrayal of love in their media acted out by attractive actors pretending to be in love, they may believe that the behavior is truly romantic. If someone enters an unhealthy relationship with patterns like these, they might romanticize it, believing that the harmful behaviors are part of “passionate love.” Some older research suggests that adolescent fans of Twilight who identified with this relationship on screen reported “overall less healthy views about romantic relationships and greater degrees of unrealistic relationship expectations.”

Expectations of perfection

While media effects on the perception of love requires continuing research, an older study suggests that TV and film can heavily influence an individual’s romantic ideals, though keep in mind that scientific research is constantly evolving. The study surveyed 625 college students about how often they watched 93 romantic movies, 17 relationship-centric sitcoms, and several marriage-themed reality shows.  

The responses indicated that participants with more exposure to romantic movies strongly believed that “love” finds a way. In comparison, those with higher exposure to sitcoms featuring characters who dated multiple partners had lower levels of idealization yet believed that “true love” is “perfect.” These beliefs could lead a person to pressure a real-life romantic partner with their expectations of perfection, potentially contributing to relationship dissatisfaction and conflict when reality doesn’t match up with fantasy.

Potential mental health impacts of fantasy love idealization

Perceptions of fantasy love may affect a person’s mental health in various ways. For example, these influences could lead a person to tie their self-esteem and identity to their romantic life or marriage story, or to seek validation and external approval through dating. Over time, low self-worth could contribute to or exacerbate conditions like anxiety and depression. 

Another possible effect of these unrealistic media influences is a person potentially becoming obsessive about their romantic life or a particular partner, which may end in disappointment, resentment, or burnout. In addition, as mentioned above, fantasy love idealization could also make it harder for a person to recognize red flags in relationships, which could lead to emotionally or even physically unsafe situations.

Finally, idealization of relationships could make it hard for a person to form lasting, healthy connections of any kind. The search for a “perfect,” fantasy relationship is unlikely to be successful, which could result in loneliness and related mental health impacts.

Rebuilding self-worth and meaning

It may benefit a person’s mental health to work on building or rebuilding self-worth, self-love, and meaning outside of the context of romance. Identifying your strengths outside of romantic relationships and working toward achievable personal goals can help you recognize your identity and abilities beyond your dating life. 

Challenging negative thoughts and practicing positive affirmations may also be helpful. If you’re struggling with your mental health or relationships, connecting with an online therapist can often be beneficial.

How to tell if a relationship is real or based on fantasy

If you’re concerned about whether you may be idealizing a relationship or holding on to unrealistic expectations, it can help to ask yourself a few grounding questions, such as:

• Do you view your relationship as a product of “destiny” or “fate” rather than something that requires effort and commitment?
• Does your connection feel reciprocal?
• Do you expect love to instantly “feel right,” without the need to build it together over time?
• Do you have other sources of happiness and fulfillment outside of your romantic relationship?
• Do you expect perfection from your partner?
• Do you tend to explain away potential red flags in your partner?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above, it may help to take a step back and audit your expectations. Remember, movies, books, and TV shows might not always portray the full realities of life in an authentic, healthy relationship. Conflict, routines, and day-to-day stressors may not be shown on screen as often, but they can be expected parts of many relationships. 

Similarly, while instant attraction can happen and a connection can feel “meant to be,” loving relationships are typically built over time with mutual, intentional effort. Keeping these reminders in mind could help you build more authentic connections.

How therapy can help you move from fantasy to healthy love

If you’re concerned you may be idealizing love or holding unrealistic expectations about relationships, working with an in-person or online therapist may be helpful. They can help you explore patterns, unmet needs, and past influences and work on building self-trust and healthy relationship skills.

Using an online therapy platform to get support

If you’d rather meet with a therapist virtually instead of commuting to and from their office, consider seeking therapy through a platform like BetterHelp. It allows you to connect with a licensed therapist virtually, via phone, video, or live chat, from the comfort of home. 

Online therapy also tends to be more affordable than in-person therapy. Plus, some BetterHelp therapists now accept select insurance plans, and BetterHelp also accepts HSA/FSA cards. Research suggests that online therapy can often be similarly effective to in-person therapy.