What Is Real Love?

Love is arguably one of the most important human emotions, yet it remains one of the least understood. At its core, love can be described as a group of reactions in the brain that lead to thinking, feeling, and behaving positively toward another person. Love causes you to consider someone else’s needs and emotions before acting and generally shapes your behaviors to remain in close contact with your loved one. You may feel love for your partner, close friends, family, or even for humanity in general.

However, with a high percentage of all marriages ending in divorce and evidence of love gone wrong in every direction, how do we define, recognize, and nurture real love? Read on to learn about the science behind love and how therapy can help you learn healthier ways to love and be loved.

Sternberg’s triangular theory of love

Robert Sternberg proposed the triangular theory of love in 1986, stating that humans experienced love through three central components, which formed the metaphorical triangle. According to Sternberg, these components of love interact with one another, so an increase in intimacy may lead to greater passion or commitment, for example. In general, the components are considered separate but interactive. 

The three components of love

Intimacy

This component of love refers to feelings of closeness and connectivity that form a deep bond with another person in a loving relationship. The APA defines intimacy as extreme emotional closeness, whereas those involved can enter each other’s personal space without causing discomfort. The deeper your understanding of each other or the depth of your knowledge reflects your level of intimacy.  

Passion

According to Sternberg, passion encompasses the drives that lead to feelings of romance, physical attraction, and sexual activity in a loving relationship. Passion need not be only sexual, as there are other forms of arousal (i.e., intellectual or psychological arousal) depending on each person’s unique relationship. Intimacy and passion are often closely intertwined in a relationship. As you grow in intimacy, you may develop passionate feeling for each other (and vice versa). 

Decision/commitment

The decision/commitment component of the triangle reflects the different aspects of choices we make when we commit to a love relationship. There is the short-term choice in which you decide you love someone. Then, there is the choice to accept and maintain your commitment to love them in the long term. In Sternberg’s theory of love, these two components do not always happen at the same time. While not as “exciting” as the intimacy and passion part of the triangle of love, decision/commitment is what contributes to the steadfast and loyal connections loving people make that stand the test of time. 

Types of love

Sternberg’s theory states that the three components interact to generate eight possible kinds or types of love. These kinds of love reflect the different ways we experience love. However, soon after Sternberg published his triangular theory of love, research scientists responded with the conclusion that no relationship is likely to fit perfectly into any category. The eight kinds of love include the following:

• Nonlove -The absence of all three components of love. With nonlove, you do not experience any drive to be close to the person or make compromises to better suit their needs. 
• Liking - Results from feeling only the intimacy component of love without passion and decision/commitment. 
• Infatuated Love - Results from feeling only the passion component of love while lacking the other parts. 
• Empty Love - Comes from the decision that you love another person and the commitment to it in the absence of the other aspects of love. 
• Romantic Love – Comes from the combination of the passion and intimacy love components. 
• Companionate Love - The combination of intimacy and commitment/decision components.
• Fatuous Love - Results from the combination of commitment and passion in the absence of intimacy.
• Consummate Love – Also known as complete love. This kind of love occurs from the combination of intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. 

Sternberg’s “love triangle” geometry depends on the amount and balance of love. The triangle shape represents the balance of the types of love, so love with equal measures of each component would be an equilateral triangle. 

Several other theorists have followed Sternberg in their quest to develop a comprehensive theory of love. Some criticized the non-inclusive bias of the theory, while others stated that the theory ignores the neurobiological basis of love. Despite the criticism, the presence of these core components between couples has been shown in several studies to be an indicator of a couple's level of satisfaction and a reflection of consummate love. 

Is love an emotion?

Some in the scientific community think love should not be classified as an emotion but instead believe love is a physiological drive. According to the researchers, love is a complex mental function with a proven history of interacting with other cognitive processes like memory and reasoning and has been known to influence health.

“Physiological motivations ensure the survival of the individual and the species. Prolonged disruption of food or water intake causes death, as do other severe physiological alterations of homeostasis. Love is also necessary for survival in the early stages of life and probably is also an essential factor of survival at all ages,” said psychologist/biologist Enrique Burunat, author of Love is Not an Emotion.

What are the signs of real love?

When you are in love, you will likely start to think the object of your affection is unique and special, focusing on their positive qualities. Being in love can increase the dopamine levels in your brain.

Many people in loving relationships become emotionally dependent on the connection with their beloved, experiencing feelings of possessiveness, fear of rejection, separation anxiety, and jealousy. When you are in love, you will likely develop empathy for your loved one’s feelings, daydream about a future together, and find your interests aligning with theirs in many cases. Other characteristics of real love include:

• Acceptance
• Communication
• Respect
• Understanding
• Encouragement

Is love a biological imperative?

Love is not a simple emotional reaction but a pervasive human experience based in evolutionary biology.  Without it, human beings will not flourish, even when all other basic needs are met. Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher found evidence of romantic love in 147 of the 166 societies she studied. According to Harvard Medical School Professor Richard Schwartz, this indicates “good reason to suspect that romantic love is kept alive by something basic to our biological nature.” For example, brain scans of college students in love showed reactions in the pleasure and reward centers of the brain. Schwartz said that while lovesickness is not a diagnosable condition, love does raise cortisol levels. Cortisol is a stress hormone known to suppress the body’s immune function. 

How to live with love

There is no single way to live your life with love. With no convenient roadmap to follow, how do you practice love? While every relationship is unique, and each person involved has their own needs and past experiences, there are some general actions you can take to practice living your life with more love. 

Tips for living a more loving life

A healthy, loving relationship involves compromise and the intimate discussion of emotions. Tell your partner how you feel and listen to what they say. Consider how your actions will affect your loved ones and how they will feel. Show affection and let the people you love know that you care. Treat yourself and others with the same kindness you want to see in them. Accept that you will face difficult times and use them to appreciate the good times more.  Consider the following when aiming to make love a more central focus in your life:

• Make yourself emotionally vulnerable. 
• Take responsibility for your mistakes, apologize, and try to make it right. 
• Be willing to forgive your loved ones’ mistakes. 
• Communicate your feelings and listen to your partner’s feelings without judgment. 
• Practice self-love. 
• Identify your core values and try to take action each day in alignment with what you value most.
• Prioritize time to spend with your loved ones. 
• Intentionally act with love in your daily life. 

The downside of love

While love can inspire a variety of positive emotions and reactions in your life, it also has an association with several negative feelings. No relationship is perfect, and you will likely face conflicts, misunderstandings, and heartbreak throughout your life. The downside to love is that when it goes wrong, it can lead to feelings of anxiety, sadness, depression, stress, jealousy, possessiveness, and even obsession. Individual or couples therapy can support and guide you through difficult situations and help you learn better ways to communicate and express your love. 

Recognizing unhealthy love

Healthy, loving relationships should make you feel good about yourself and bring out your best tendencies. Keep in mind that “healthy” does not mean “perfect.” Healthy relationships include conflict—and ways to resolve it.  Signs of unhealthy love may include:

• Possessiveness and jealousy to the point of controlling what you do and with whom you spend time 
• Manipulating your decisions or actions, attempting to isolate you from friends and family  
• Intentionally ruining your reputation or achievements 
• Betrayal, belittling, deflecting responsibility, or other negative aspects 

If you notice unhealthy tendencies in your relationships, consider speaking to your partner or attending couples therapy to work through it. 

If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic abuse, it’s important to seek help right away. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available for support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They can be reached for free by calling 800.799.SAFE (7233).

How therapy can help you recognize and practice real love

There are healthy and unhealthy ways to love. If you find yourself in relationships that do not feel balanced and fulfilling or you have difficulty making meaningful connections with other people, consider working with a therapist. Therapy can help you examine your thought patterns and experience and discover ways to develop healthy communication skills and coping techniques. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a popular choice among therapists to treat a variety of mental health conditions and help establish healthier habits. Recent studies show that online CBT is as effective as treatment in the traditional office setting. Patients said the convenience and flexibility of online treatments were appealing.  Many people are turning to online therapy providers like BetterHelp for the flexibility, convenience, reduced waiting times, and lower costs they offer.