Why Do Men Cheat?

It can be painful if your partner cheats, and you may find yourself wondering why they engaged in infidelity. Many men who cheat still claim to care deeply for their partners, which can create confusion and emotional pain. New research shows that male infidelity is often not about love or attraction but rather may result from unmet emotional needs, or physical intimacy needs, or self-esteem issues. There are many potential explanations and risk factors for why someone may cheat. Perhaps they were unhappy in their current relationship, or they found cheating exciting. It could be that their sexual needs were not being fulfilled, or that they have a sex addiction or trouble with commitment. 

Sometimes cheating is the result of many factors that develop over time. It is also possible that the cheating was a one-time mistake. While there’s a negative stigma that most guys cheat or that people who cheat are mostly married men – that’s not the case.

Why do men cheat?

While men report having cheated more frequently than women, it’s not just cheating men. Women cheat, too. A person of any gender can have the experience of, "I cheated on my boyfriend". Additionally, cheating can present in various forms – from extramarital affairs to emotional affairs to serial infidelity.

The main reasons that men cheat include lack of physical attraction in their primary relationship, feeling emotionally disconnected, or having difficulties communicating with their spouse or wife. Even good men can make mistakes based on these common reasons and when they are struggling with their own unmet needs or their own minds.

Six reasons why someone might cheat

1. They may not be happy in their primary relationship

People in relationships sometimes cheat because they aren't happy with their current situation. If the thought "She cheated on me and I don't know why" keeps disturbing your mind, there is a possibility that your partner is no longer happy. Sometimes, men and women use infidelity to exit a primary relationship when they do not wish to initiate a breakup. Some men cheat because they’re hoping their partner will break up with them; that way, they don’t have to go through the challenge of ending the relationship themselves.

Long-term relationships can require energy, effort, and even financial resources to maintain. Couples’ lives can change drastically with the addition of children or changes in jobs and routines, and these changes can sometimes get in the way of connection and communication. Though everyone has their own reasons for cheating, a lack of emotional intimacy may be one of the reasons behind infidelity.

2. They may find emotional affairs or infidelity exciting

Some people who engage in infidelity find it exciting. Many women and men are excited by the thrill of cheating itself, or the potential of being caught. Doing something wrong can seem enticing, and can even become something they can't seem to get enough of. Chronic cheaters (people who cheat in relationships repeatedly) may fall into this category.

Conversely, there may also be people who can't seem to stop cheating, even if they feel deep shame about their own actions after the excitement is over. Their desire to cheat may override their morals regarding their relationship.

This type of behavior may stem from sexual addiction, narcissistic traits, traumatic childhood experiences, poor self-esteem or self-worth, or mental health struggles that lead them to seek satisfaction or feel valued in this way. This doesn’t necessarily mean the infidelity doesn’t hurt or that you should forgive the act of cheating, but it is something you may wish to keep in mind.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

3. Their sexual desire may not be fulfilled

Many people in relationships have varying levels of sexual desire. If those needs are not being met within their relationship, then they may seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. This does not automatically mean that the person who has been betrayed is in the wrong, however.

Infidelity may be the result of unmet expectations or needs in an otherwise loving relationship. Regardless of the individual factors for unhappiness, it’s a possible reason why someone might cheat. In these situations, the partner feeling neglected can consider initiating a conversation around the topic to address the unresolved issues. If the couple still has an emotional connection, it’s possible they can work together to come up with a plan to have more sex.

4. They may have a sex addiction

Another possibility could be that your partner has a sex addiction. Like other forms of addiction, sex addiction can lead to many negative consequences in a long-term relationship, not just for the person experiencing it, but also for others in their lives. Sex addiction may present with sexual behavior issues including multiple affairs, compulsive masturbation, or porn addiction.

This type of addiction can make it difficult for people to stop seeking sex, even if it means cheating on their partner. They may even feel a deep sense of shame because of this behavior, but despite feeling shame, they may still feel compelled to seek out sex wherever they can find it, even if they’re married men or women.

This can be a challenging addiction for someone to have, and it can potentially harm your committed relationship and self-esteem. Overcoming sex addiction can be difficult and cause emotional distress and often requires the help of a licensed mental health professional.

5. They may struggle in a committed relationship 

Committing to one partner or to marriage can feel overwhelming. Committing to others is not always easy, and some people may see it as losing a part of themselves or giving up their freedom and individuality. You may have heard of people getting "cold feet" before a wedding, and this type of infidelity could be related to those types of feelings.

It's possible for many people to find staying faithful in monogamous relationships challenging.  Sometimes these feelings have to do with emotional immaturity or just not feeling ready to settle down. Some married men cheat because they struggle with monogamy.

However, even if someone is interested in transitioning to this type of lifestyle, it doesn't necessarily excuse cheating on their partner when it takes place in a committed relationship that was meant to be monogamous.

6. They may have made a mistake

Finally, it could be the case that your significant other’s cheating was a mistake. It’s likely you’ve heard of situations in which someone got too drunk and did something that they later regretted when reality sets in.

While this type of infidelity may not have been premeditated or purposeful, it can still be hurtful. If your partner cheated once and deeply regrets their actions then it may be an isolated incident. A person who cheats once isn’t always a cheater.

The role of physical and emotional intimacy 

A cheating partner often reports feeling isolated or rejected in their current relationships, seeking affair partners for validation or closeness. Also, there is a difference between emotional needs and physical needs. While the two may be tied together, someone can feel a strong emotional connection with their partner and still not have their physical needs met. Love and connection with their partner still matter, in spite of going outside the relationship agreements around sexual commitment. Most men who cheat do not intend to replace love, but rather to fill a void in connection via sexual intimacy.

An evolutionary and psychological perspective 

Evolution and psychology also can play a role in cheating behavior among many men. Biological drives, social pressure, and psychological attachment styles can all be influencing factors. Regarding evolutionary explanations, some of the main reasons are brain chemistry and the impetus to reproduce. Dopamine and other neurotransmitters may play a role, and some evolutionary biologists claim that males have a predisposition toward multiple partners, making them more likely to cheat. However, while an evolutionary perspective can explain certain behaviors, it does not excuse betrayal or emotional harm. Therapists emphasize the importance of accountability and conscious decision-making in relationships.   

Infidelity in marriage and long-term relationships 

Infidelity can easily appear in long-term relationships, including marriage. This is because husbands, fathers, or partners with kids can struggle with intense emotions when balancing family expectations and unmet emotional needs. A person’s childhood can also influence the way they view relationships and infidelity. Family systems people were raised in and witnessing their parents’ relationships may subconsciously influence people’s view of fidelity. 

Emotional consequences of cheating

There are emotional consequences for cheating, both for the person whose trust was broken and for the person who betrayed trust. 

Emotional consequences for the person who was cheated on 

Being cheated on will have emotional and mental health effects. Someone who discovers that they’ve been cheated on will often feel deeply hurt and betrayed. They may have difficulty trusting in the future, and they may also experience a loss of self-esteem.

Emotional consequences for the cheating partner

In many cases, there are emotional and mental health effects of being the cheating partner, as well. Secrecy and guilt can lead to the cheating partner experiencing anxiety, depression, or self-blame. Therapy can be helpful for many men. Talking with a therapist can help someone explore the real reason behind their infidelity, and it can promote accountability and emotional repair. 

The “good guy” dilemma: Why even caring partners stray 

Not every cheating partner is a bad guy. But sometimes good guys choose to engage in bad behavior. Many good men compartmentalize their relationships, loving their wife or partner, while exhibiting cheating behaviors due to shame, escapism, or avoidance. Understanding this type of mindset can help partners understand the dynamics that led to the infidelity and begin to heal. However, understanding the reasons for the cheating is not the same as excusing bad behavior. 

Healing after infidelity: Steps toward understanding and recovery 

While infidelity can be incredibly disruptive and painful, it is possible to heal from, and a mental health professional can help with healing. Enlisting the support of a couples, individual, and/or family therapist can support you as you deal with feelings of betrayal, anger, or insecurity. A therapist can help you get to the root causes of why the infidelity happened, can help you to communicate constructively about feelings and thoughts, and can offer coping strategies for going forward. These may include strategies such as healthy communication, setting boundaries, taking time to rest, and focusing on shared goals or the kids.     

Rebuilding trust and preventing future cheating 

There are a number of things that you can do for relationship recovery and growth and to rebuild trust. You can begin to reestablish physical intimacy slowly, by first spending time communicating and giving and accepting small gestures of affection. You might want to start with non-sexual touch such as hugging or holding hands until both partners feel comfortable. Improving transparency is also important—being honest and expressing your feelings clearly. The partner who was cheated on may want some additional transparency about how the partner who cheated is spending their time and with whom they are spending it with. Rebuilding emotional intimacy is also important. Taking the time to identify relationship triggers is another helpful thing that you and your partner can do—knowing what your triggers are can help reduce unconscious reactive behaviors. Therapy or couples counseling can teach coping strategies and help uncover male infidelity patterns, encouraging healthier, more conscious relationships that are also more fun.   

Consider couples therapy to heal from infidelity

Whether you’re dealing with online cheating, emotional affairs, or relationship challenges around sex, help is available to help you solve problems and address your own needs. If you wish to move forward in your relationship after infidelity, then couples counseling with relationship experts or a family therapist may be good options for you. 

Online therapy

If you and your partner have busy schedules, online therapy may be beneficial because it often allows you to schedule sessions at times that may not be available at a traditional therapist’s office. Also, if you have worries that your partner is cheating, these professionals can help you. They might be able to enlighten you in your stress about "Is he cheating or am I paranoid?" They can also educate you regarding what the current research shows about infidelity and how to move forward.

A growing body of research suggests that online therapy platforms can provide effective couples therapy for people coping with a variety of relationship issues, including infidelity. In this study, the effectiveness of several different forms of online couples therapy in helping distressed couples were examined.

The report concluded that online couples therapy could successfully treat symptoms of individual mental health challenges and increase overall relationship functioning and communication.