Not Sure What To Expect From Marriage Counseling? Here’s What You Need To Know
If you have never tried it before you may not be sure what to expect if you seek therapy or marriage counseling. In this article, we explain what to expect from marriage counseling and the therapeutic process so that you can be prepared for your first therapy session. Not every couples counselor works the same and the process may look a little different than depictions of marriage counseling you may have seen on television before. Learning what to expect from marriage counseling can help you to make the most out of your sessions.
Facts about marriage counseling
There are lots of myths about marriage counseling and family therapy that you may have heard. Here are some of the facts:
- 49% of couples go to marriage counseling at some point
- 70% of couples report benefits from attending couples therapy
- Over half of all marriages end in divorce
- 75% of divorcees cited issues with commitment as their reason for splitting
- 60% of divorcees reported infidelity in the marriage
- Marriage counseling can benefit any married couple
- Frequent conflicts and arguing are the third most common reason for divorce
- Over half of divorced people wish their partner had worked harder to save the marriage
- 70% of divorcees say they did not understand what marriage entailed going into it
Licensed marriage and family therapists are trained mental health professionals who specifically work with married couples and family members. They may address issues ranging from unhealthy behaviors like substance abuse to addressing changes in your sex life and teaching new skills for positive change.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
Marriage counseling is a type of relationship counseling that is directed toward the unique needs of married couples. There are a variety of different therapeutic approaches that marriage counselors may take, but in general, they all use talk therapy techniques in a nonjudgemental, safe environment to promote healthy relationships. It is common for the marriage counselor to give out homework assignments for the couple to work on in between sessions.
What to expect in these kinds of sessions
It is normal for many couples seeking counseling to be nervous before the first session, but knowing what to expect can help put your mind at ease. Experienced mental health professionals can help guide you through your initial sessions until you feel completely comfortable opening up about your relationship.
If you do not feel comfortable with a particular therapist, you can always try again with a different provider. Marital therapy is not a one size fits all deal and finding the right counselor is important for receiving all of the benefits.
During the initial session with a marriage counselor, you will discuss your current relationship issues, outline your goals, and create a treatment plan. Here are some more details of what to expect in the beginning of marriage counseling sessions.
You will meet with the therapist as a couple
Even in couples therapy, the therapist will likely meet with you individually at some point. However, at the beginning of the therapy sessions, the therapist will likely want to meet with you as a couple to see how you interact with each other.
During this time the therapist will be able to observe how you interact as a couple and hear from all parties on an even playing field. Learning communication skills will be a focus at the beginning of couples therapy so that future sessions can be as effective as possible. Some couples may need to learn how to communicate in a healthy way (such as without raised voices) before the sessions can effectively delve deep into the relationship issues that may need addressing.
You will go over your relationship history
You can expect the first relationship therapy session to focus on going over the history of the relationship and past relationship issues. Past issues can come back up in relationships over and over again until they are resolved.
The more the therapist knows about the story of the marriage and what concerns are impacting the couple the better the therapist can help. Examples of relationship issues that can be addressed in relationship counseling include intimacy, infidelity, communication, parenting, and more.
You may also want to talk about past traumas that you have experienced as individuals which are directly related to your current relationship concerns. For example, observing maladaptive behaviors from parental figures growing up can lead to negative patterns in adulthood.
Here are a few examples of questions you may be asked:
- How long have you been together?
- Do you both feel respected in the relationship?
- Where did you meet for the first time?
- Is there a particular event that brought you to therapy?
- What is your communication like?
- What are your goals for marriage counseling?
These questions might vary between couples. For example, therapy designed for long-term marital problems may look different from preventative premarital counseling. The former may emphasize finding common ground together while the latter might include an emphasis on individual therapy for each partner.
Work together to set goals for therapy
The goals of the couple may differ; for example, one partner may wish for their spouse to agree to have children while the other spouse wishes for the opposite. The therapist will be able to be an impartial mediator for these disputes and help the couple come to an agreement on the best course of action.
Who can benefit from a marriage counselor?
Some people may have the false idea that the only couples who can benefit from marriage counseling are people who are having relationship problems. However, your relationship does not have to be in distress for you to benefit from marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you learn better communication strategies and overcoming obstacles together as a couple.
If you wait until you experience a traumatic event to learn strategies for communicating and overcoming obstacles, you may experience more conflicts as a couple that could impact your relationship in the long run. Learning what a successful marriage entails and how to express your needs to your partner can help you to have a long-lasting and fulfilling marriage.
You may want to attend marriage counseling if you are experiencing frequent conflicts or arguments in your relationship. If you are having the same fight repeat over and over again, this can be a tale tell sign that you need marriage counseling.
Every relationship has its ups and downs, but frequent arguing could be a sign of a lack of communication skills especially if it is about the same issue. Marriage counseling can also be helpful for supporting the couple through big life changes such as childbirth, loss, illness, or moving.
Potential benefits of marriage counseling include:
- Learning effective communication strategies
- Identifying triggers so that they can be avoided
- Expressing needs in a safe space
- Learning active listening skills
- Developing strategies for resolving conflicts and disagreements
- Learning more about each other’s past
- Developing a deeper understanding of how the other person thinks
- Stop blaming each other
- Practicing compassion
- Rebuilding trust
- Setting boundaries
- Learning how to compromise
- Processing painful or traumatic events
- Letting go of the past
- Making a plan for the future
Tips for successful sessions with your therapist
Your level of participation and the experience level of the therapist are just a few factors that contribute to the success of couples counseling sessions. Here are three ways to make the most out of your sessions and experience positive changes with marriage counseling.
Find a therapist who understands
Choosing the right therapist is very important for having a successful experience with marriage counseling. You may need to switch therapists more than once before finding the right fit. A good therapist will make you feel heard and take all of your concerns seriously. Having a trusting relationship with the therapist will make the sessions go smoothly and create a safe environment to work on issues impacting your relationship.
Let go of fear
One of the reasons why married people do not pursue couples counseling is because they may be afraid it will lead to divorce or that the therapist and spouse will gang up on them. Relationship counseling is not designed to break up couples, but rather to bring them together. Of course, the possibility of separation is always there, but marriage therapists are there to help you with your relationship and are not to sway you in one way or another when it comes to deciding whether to remain in the relationship.
Open up
Learning how to be vulnerable can be a difficult task for some people, but the safe environment provided by an experienced therapist can help you to open up more fully to your partner. Being vulnerable and expressing how you truly feel is often one of the first steps to having a more fulfilling relationship. Building trust with the therapist and with your partner can take time, but as the counseling sessions progress you may find it easier to open up more and more.
Online couples therapy
There are many benefits to attending therapy with a marriage counselor, but some couples face barriers that prevent them from attending sessions such as scheduling conflicts, location, or cost. Online therapy may be a more available or affordable option for some couples. With online therapy platforms like BetterHelp, you can connect with experienced therapists and counselors from any device with internet. Online therapy allows you to enjoy a wider selection of options for providers, easier scheduling, and no transportation limitations.
Is online marriage counseling just as effective as in-person counseling? The most current research points to yes, there are no differences in the benefits of online therapy for married couples vs. in-person sessions. In fact, online therapy may have more benefits by removing certain obstacles. A research study on the effectiveness of online couples therapy during the Covid-19 pandemic found that the majority of patients and therapists reported positive results.
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