How Can Marriage Counseling Help Couples After Infidelity?

Infidelity is a common reason for couples to enter marriage counseling. While betrayal within a committed relationship can pose significant problems, it may be possible to rebuild trust and restore marital satisfaction with the guidance of a skilled couples therapist. Marriage counseling after infidelity can jumpstart the recovery process and potentially guide you and your partner back to a healthy relationship.

Below, you’ll find a guide to therapy for couples who would like to work towards a healthier relationship in the aftermath of infidelity. We will explore the role of a couples therapist, the goals of therapy following infidelity, and the benefits of discernment counseling for couples wondering whether to continue their relationship.

Understanding the role of a marriage counselor

Couples may seek marriage counseling for any number of reasons, whether to deepen their bond, work through a difficult period, or promote healing after a common trauma. If you are considering marriage counseling after infidelity, it may be helpful to understand the role of a marriage therapist and how they may help you and your partner work through your issues after this potentially traumatic event in your relationship. 

Marriage therapists are typically licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs). This type of licensed therapist is trained to provide a safe and supportive environment where couples can discuss their feelings, identify underlying problems, and work towards building trust and communication. They are trained to act as neutral parties who can help mediate respectful discussions around sensitive topics while teaching helpful communication strategies.

Many marriage therapists specialize in helping couples navigate infidelity and may refer to the process as infidelity therapy. They may help you and your partner through the process of acknowledging the situation and accepting responsibility and provide guidance on how to rebuild trust, improve communication, navigate complex emotions, and rebuild intimacy. It can take time to move forward and experience emotional safety, but it can be possible to restore trust in a relationship, even if affairs have taken place.

How can marriage counseling help couples after infidelity?

Acknowledgment and acceptance of the affair

The first goal of the therapy process is acknowledging and accepting the pain and hurt caused by the affair. This may involve discussing the extent of the infidelity and having difficult conversations to understand why it happened. Sometimes, infidelity may take the form of physical intimacy, while in other cases it may be a long-term emotional affair. No matter the nature of the infidelity, it may be beneficial to begin therapy with honesty and transparency. 

In addition to facilitating these difficult conversations, a marriage therapist may help you identify underlying causes within the marriage that may have contributed to the infidelity of the cheating partner, such as lack of sexual intimacy or sexual addiction. In some cases, one partner may engage with an affair partner if their needs are not met in their primary relationship. A marriage therapist can help couples talk through pre-existing problems in their relationship in a safe space.

Rebuilding trust

Rebuilding trust is another critical component of the therapy process after infidelity. Trust is foundational to any successful relationship, and it’s often common for the betrayed partner to have difficulty trusting their spouse after infidelity. It may feel impossible to trust their partner anymore. However, therapy can help identify ways to rebuild trust. This often includes:

• Practicing transparency and honesty
• Setting boundaries
• Being accountable to each other
• Showing remorse or forgiveness
• Making and keeping promises

Rebuilding trust is a gradual process that requires patience, consistency, and willingness. Your marriage therapist may help you work through the difficult feelings that may arise as you re-establish trust in your marriage. They may encourage you to take risks and make yourselves vulnerable to each other with the goal of creating opportunities for trust and bonding. Over the course of couple therapy, you may find that the psychological trauma of the infidelity begins to heal.

Improving communication

Infidelity can damage communication between partners. In some cases, lack of communication may be a contributing factor to the decision to engage in an affair, so restoring healthy communication is often an essential component of affair recovery. Your marriage therapist can help you identify unhelpful communication patterns and provide you with effective tools and strategies for improving communication. This may include:

• Active listening
• Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements
• Using mirroring exercises
• Prioritizing positive language and interaction
• Practicing empathy and understanding 

Your marriage therapist can help you and your partner understand the importance of listening and acknowledging each other's feelings and perspectives, even when disagreements arise. This can help you make sense of difficult conversations, and these skills can be helpful in other relationships as well. Your couples therapist may assign at-home exercises for you to practice the communication skills learned in couples therapy and follow-up with you at your next appointment.

Emotional healing and affair recovery

When a relationship is damaged by infidelity, it can cause significant emotional trauma. It can take time and effort to work through the emotional pain, and some individuals may experience mental health issues such as anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder in the aftermath of an affair. If you are experiencing mental health disorders like post-traumatic stress disorder, it may be helpful to seek individual therapy and practice self-care in addition to attending therapy.

If you are feeling emotional distress related to an affair, a couples therapist can provide a space to process your feelings and emotions openly and honestly. This can be helpful in identifying the root causes of your emotions so that you and your partner can work towards a deeper understanding of each other’s emotional responses. Maybe you feel guilty, or perhaps your partner is experiencing regret about the situation. It can be helpful for each person to fully understand how their partner feels and what they would like to happen in the future of the relationship.

Your therapist may offer guidance on effective coping mechanisms and strategies for dealing with emotional triggers and mediate difficult conversations that may arise from the hurt and pain caused by the affair. Emotional healing takes time, and a therapist can help both parties to be patient and compassionate with themselves and with each other throughout the healing process. 

Rebuilding intimacy

In some cases, a breakdown of intimacy may contribute to the decision to become involved in an affair. In other cases, the affair itself may be a factor in the lack of physical and emotional intimacy between partners. A couples counselor can help you identify and understand any such issues and work towards rebuilding your connection.

Sometimes, intimacy naturally returns to a relationship as the healing process takes place and trust and communication are restored. However, this may take time, and a marriage counselor may be beneficial as you work towards restoring intimacy. They can offer techniques for improving physical intimacy, such as learning to express your needs and desires openly and exploring new ways to connect with each other physically. They may also guide conversations aimed at deepening your emotional connection with one another.

How long does marriage counseling take after an affair?

The duration of therapy after an affair tends to vary depending on the severity of the infidelity, the willingness of both partners to participate, and the progress made during the sessions. Therapy after infidelity can last anywhere from a few months to a year or more. 

In affair recovery, marriage counselors tend to help couples work through their issues in stages. The initial phase of therapy often focuses on addressing the immediate problems related to the affair, including identifying any underlying marital issues and establishing healthier communication patterns with the goal of restoring trust. As progress is made, the focus may shift towards rebuilding intimacy and strengthening the relationship. 

Ultimately, the length of therapy will depend on your unique needs and circumstances. It may be important for you and your partner to prioritize any take-home work your therapist assigns, as this can help expedite the healing process. 

Discernment counseling when considering divorce

While many marriages survive infidelity, an affair may cause you and your partner to consider parting ways. If you are considering divorce, it may be worth considering discernment counseling to explore your options fully before making a final decision. Discernment counseling is a specialized form of therapy that can help couples who are considering divorce to gain clarity and make informed decisions about their future. It can be especially helpful if there are children involved who will be impacted by the relationship ending. Here are some ways discernment counseling can help:

• Clarify your options: Discernment counseling can help you and your partner explore all possible options. This typically involves deciding whether to stay in the marriage, take a temporary break, or begin the process of divorce. The counselor will help you understand the pros and cons of each option and guide you through the decision-making process. Ultimately, the couple decides the outcome, but the counselor can guide them through the process.

• Identify patterns: A discernment counselor can help you identify the patterns in your relationship that have contributed to the current situation. This can help you gain a deeper understanding of the root causes of your marital issues and provide insight into what changes need to be made.

• Create a plan in marriage counseling: Once you have made a decision about the future of your relationship, your counselor can help you create a plan for moving forward. This may involve working on specific issues in the relationship, seeking individual therapy, or taking a break from the relationship to gain clarity and perspective. A therapist may also be helpful for mediating difficult discussions surrounding the decision to divorce or separate, such as those involving children. 

• Reduce conflict in counseling: Discernment counseling can help reduce conflict between partners by providing a safe and neutral environment for communication. A discernment counselor can help you and your partner express your feelings and needs in a constructive way and work towards finding common ground. 

• Improve communication: A discernment counselor can also help improve communication between you and your partner as you make important decisions about your future. By learning effective communication skills, you can better understand each other's perspectives and work towards a mutually beneficial outcome.

Is marriage counseling effective?

Couples counseling has been shown to be effective in improving marital satisfaction between couples. Many couples find that it helps them improve communication skills and deepen their understanding of one another, which may be beneficial for avoiding conflict and working through it in a healthy way when disagreement arises. However, if you are experiencing abuse or domestic violence, it's important to consider other interventions.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Finding a marriage counselor after an affair

If you are interested in starting therapy after an affair, you may search for a marital and family therapy practice in your area. Alternatively, it may be worth considering attending therapy sessions through an online couples therapy platform such as Regain. 

Virtual therapy has been shown to be just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy, and it tends to be more affordable and convenient. It may be beneficial for couples who are in long-term relationships or find it difficult to find childcare. Couples who work busy schedules that make it challenging to get to appointments may also prefer online therapy.