Potential Causes For Divorce: How To Know When To Move On
Marriage is a complex agreement between two people that can come with unique struggles. Many marriages experience conflict sometimes, but opportunities can arise to help individuals repair the damage and move forward. However, in some cases, there may be signs that continuing the relationship wouldn't be possible or healthy.
If you believe you've put every effort into keeping your marriage together and it's not getting better, it might benefit you to investigate whether you want to end the relationship. It may also be helpful to note that each marriage is unique, and several factors can contribute to how spouses interact. Those complexities can be considered when weighing whether to work through the challenges or move on.
Factors that may indicate the benefit of moving on
Several factors can go into the decision to end a marriage. For many people, marriage is a significant and serious union. Choosing to end the relationship can be a complex and long-term process. However, if you're experiencing the following, you might find that ending the marriage is the healthiest option.
The relationship has become abusive
Many people have heard of physical abuse and may not know that their relationship is abusive due to the lack of social education on other types of abuse, such as verbal, emotional, sexual, financial, and psychological forms.
Physical abuse can leave visible signs of violent behavior, which might be easier for others to recognize. However, all abuse is dangerous, harmful, and unhealthy within any relationship. If you believe you are in an abusive relationship, take immediate action. If you are experiencing physical abuse, remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible, and reach out for assistance from the hotline below.
Infidelity has occurred
Unfaithfulness in a marriage can be challenging to overcome. When one spouse cheats, the trust in a marriage may be lost. Even if the unfaithful individual says they will stop cheating and work to regain their partner's trust, it could be difficult for their partner to trust that they're telling the truth.
You constantly argue
It can be normal for couples to have disagreements from time to time. However, if you argue daily or multiple times a day, it might indicate incompatibility. Compromise can be a healthy part of relationships where two parties struggle to agree. Both partners may benefit from making a healthy sacrifice at times or knowing when to let a topic go. It might indicate difficulty with emotional expression or vulnerability if you struggle to let go or return to your love for each other during arguments.
If you argue about topics on which you cannot compromise, such as mismatching views about having children or whether the relationship should be monogamous, you and your partner might not be able to come to an agreement.
For example, if you are strictly confident you do not want children and your partner wants a large family, you might both choose to split to ensure each person can find a life partner with whom, they can talk about their future desires. Although this decision can be difficult, frequent arguments can cause stress and cause you to stay in an unhappy marriage longer than you hoped. Such entrenched disagreements on highly important topics to one, or both, of you do not have to result in frequent arguments to deserve serious consideration about the wisdom in remaining together.
You lack respect for each other
Marriages can thrive on love, but both partners may struggle to connect intimately if respect is not present. If you and your spouse don't respect each other, you could struggle to move forward, constantly question each other, or have arguments about control. You may also find that the bulk of your communications become based on criticism. These behaviors may cause both people to put up walls and feel disrespected.
If your spouse perceives that you don't respect them, it may hurt their self-esteem or cause them to want to seek respect elsewhere. For example, they might spend more time at work instead of trying to spend time with you. In some cases, spouses might look for another person to fill their needs. While a lack of respect for a spouse isn't an appropriate excuse for cheating, it may be a motive. Discussing respect in therapy may be beneficial for couples experiencing this challenge.
Parents or in-laws interfere with your marriage
You may love your parents significantly. However, if they rank higher on your list than your spouse, it might cause conflict in a marriage.
There are several reasons why parents may interfere in their child's marriage. If your spouse relies heavily on their parents' advice and won't decide without involving them, it could be a sign that they don't respect your values and opinions. It may also be difficult for you to come together as a couple and develop your own family if your spouse struggles to set boundaries with their parents.
If you try to talk to your partner about the situation and they're unresponsive, you may be left with a difficult decision. In some cases, family therapy with all parties present could benefit the relationship. In others, the couple might decide that their values do not align.
How to proceed if you don't want the relationship to end
Recognizing the signs that a relationship might benefit from ending may not mean you have to divorce. Many spouses choose to try the following techniques to rekindle their connection or repair damage in the relationship. However, the exception to this rule is abuse. If you are experiencing abuse, call the hotline above or contact a mental health professional from a safe location.
Work on forgiveness
Forgiveness may be beneficial if you plan to stay with your partner. There might be times when you each negatively impact the other. If you or your partner is in the wrong, apologizing can be beneficial. If your marriage is struggling and you want it to work out, take responsibility for what you've done to contribute to strife within the marriage.
It could also help you to learn how to forgive your spouse when they unintentionally cause hurt or make a mistake. If you forgive your spouse, let them know. It may help them hear that you're trying to understand their motives and move forward without them prompting you.
Note that forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean restoration or forgetfulness. For example, if you or your spouse has broken trust in your relationship, you may forgive each other but still have work to do to repair what occurred.
Focus on reconnecting
Sometimes couples sense that they have grown apart but still love each other. This perception might be a sign that reconnecting with each other through new and exciting activities could be an ingredient to rekindling your love. Spend time together and work on improving your communication. If you've tried this step multiple times without results, you might also consider talking to a marriage and family therapist.
Connect with a marriage counselor
Many couples seek couples therapy as a step in repairing their marriage. A therapist may help you and your partner discover the root of conflict in your marriage and work together to overcome the obstacles. If it's a source of difficulty, marriage counseling may also help you reconnect with each other intimately.
Deciding your marriage is over can help you figure out a plan before jumping into action, as divorce can be complex. In these situations, talking to a therapist could support you and your partner in planning for divorce, developing ideas to respect each other, and discussing potentially emotional topics like custody of children or pets. Many couples also choose to hire a therapist to speak with their children during their separation, as children may be especially sensitive to divorce.
Consider alternative forms of treatment
Although some couples benefit from face-to-face marriage counseling, some might not have the time or energy to do so. In addition, if you and your partner are separated or not on favorable terms, you might not want to spend time in the same room as them. In this case, online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples could be advantageous.
Many couples choose online therapy during challenging times like divorce because of its convenience, affordability, and effectiveness. With online therapy, you can speak to a therapist anywhere with an internet connection at a time that works for you. If you and your partner cannot attend therapy side by side, you can connect to your couples therapy session from separate rooms, homes, or locations worldwide.
Takeaway
How do you know when to call marriage quits?
Deciding when to end a marriage is a deeply personal and complex decision that varies from one individual or couple to another. There is no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are some factors to consider when evaluating the prospect of ending a marriage:
- Communication Breakdown: Persistent and irreparable communication problems can strain a marriage. If attempts to address these issues through therapy or counseling have not been successful, it may be a sign of deeper incompatibility.
- Unresolved Conflict: A consistent pattern of unresolved conflicts or recurrent issues that significantly impact your well-being may signal that the marriage is no longer working.
- Abuse or Toxic Behavior: Any form of abuse, whether it's physical, emotional, verbal, or financial, should not be tolerated in a healthy marriage and is an indicator that it may be time to end a marriage.
- Lack of Emotional Connection: A marriage where emotional intimacy has diminished or disappeared can feel empty and unsatisfying. A lack of emotional connection can be a strong indicator of incompatibility.
- Infidelity: Infidelity can severely damage trust and emotional bonds in a marriage. Deciding whether to work through infidelity or end the marriage is a deeply personal choice.
- Differing Life Goals: If you and your spouse have fundamentally different life goals, values, or aspirations, it can create ongoing conflict and dissatisfaction.
- Dysfunctional Patterns: If negative patterns of behavior, such as addiction or chronic financial irresponsibility, persist and harm the marriage, it may be necessary to consider ending it.
- Individual Happiness: Your own happiness and well-being matter. If the marriage is causing chronic unhappiness or negatively impacting your mental and emotional health, it's worth considering whether the relationship is sustainable.
When can a marriage not be saved?
Knowing when to call it quits in a marriage is a deeply personal and complex process, and there is no definitive answer that applies universally. However, there are situations in which it may be particularly challenging or unlikely to salvage a marriage. Some of these situations include:
- Safety Concerns: If there is physical abuse, emotional abuse, or any form of violence in the relationship, safety should be the top priority. In such cases, it may be necessary to leave the marriage to protect your physical and emotional well-being.
- Irreparable Betrayal: For some individuals, infidelity or a significant betrayal can be a deal-breaker. Rebuilding trust and hope for reconciliation after a major breach of trust may be challenging and may not always be successful.
- Continual Toxic Behavior: If one or both partners engage in chronic toxic behavior, such as substance use, uncontrolled anger, addiction, or manipulation, and refuses to seek help or change their behavior, it can become unsustainable.
- Profound Incompatibility: Irreconcilable differences, differing life goals, values, or aspirations can lead to ongoing conflict and dissatisfaction that is difficult to overcome. Incompatibility isn’t always the fault of one side or the other and may be mutual.
- Unwillingness to Change: If one or both partners are unwilling to work on the relationship, attend counseling, or make necessary changes, it can be challenging to save the marriage.
- Repeated Failed Attempts: When multiple efforts to address marital issues, such as therapy or counseling, have not resulted in significant improvements or resolutions, it may indicate that the problems are deeply ingrained or that the marriage is no longer viable.
- Emotional Disconnect: If the emotional connection in the marriage has eroded to the point where both partners feel emotionally distant or indifferent, it can be challenging to rebuild. Partners may sit quietly apart at dinner or avoid one another at night rather than communicating and engaging with each other.
- Individual Well-Being: When the marriage is causing ongoing unhappiness or negatively impacting the mental and emotional health of one or both partners, ending the marriage may be a consideration.
How do I know if I should separate from my husband?
Deciding whether to separate from your husband is a deeply personal and complex decision that requires careful consideration. Here are some key factors and marriage issues to weigh:
- Communication and Conflict: Evaluate the quality of communication in your relationship. If there is a consistent pattern of unresolved conflicts, emotional disconnection, or lack of constructive communication, it can signal a significant issue.
- Safety and Respect: Safety should always be a priority. If there is any form of abuse, whether physical, emotional, or verbal, or if you feel disrespected, unsafe, or trapped in the relationship, it may be necessary to seek separation.
- Emotional Connection: Assess the emotional connection in your marriage. If there's a persistent lack of intimacy, emotional support, or happiness, it can indicate an incompatibility that is challenging to overcome.
- Unhappiness and Well-Being: Consider your own well-being and happiness. If the marriage consistently causes unhappiness, negatively impacts your mental or emotional health, or hinders your personal growth and fulfillment, it may be time to call it quits or to explore separation.
- Efforts to Improve: Reflect on the efforts both you and your husband have made to address issues and improve the relationship. Have you both sought counseling or therapy, and if so, have these efforts yielded positive changes?
- Individual Goals: Evaluate your individual goals, values, and aspirations. These could be related to your job, house, or life in general. If these differ significantly from your husband's, leading to ongoing conflict or incompatible life paths, separation may be considered.
Who usually leaves in a marriage?
The person who “leaves” or ends a marriage may vary widely depending on different circumstances or situations. In some cases the decision is mutual, with both individuals deciding that it is in their best interest to end the marriage. This may happen over time as priorities, feelings, and life circumstances change. Ending a relationship may also be one sided. In this case one individual may have experienced irreparable damage or a change in feelings or emotions, causing them to end the relationship.
What makes you leave a marriage?
Ending a marriage is a deeply personal decision and can be influenced by various factors and circumstances. Here are some common reasons that may lead someone to consider ending a marriage:
Communication Breakdown: Persistent and irreparable communication problems can strain a marriage, making it difficult for both spouses to understand each other and work through issues effectively.
- Infidelity: Cheating or infidelity can significantly damage trust and emotional bonds in a marriage, and for some individuals, it can be a deal-breaker.
- Abuse: Any form of abuse, whether physical, emotional, verbal, or financial, should not be tolerated in a healthy marriage. Safety and well-being must always be a priority.
- Irreconcilable Differences: If spouses have fundamentally different values, goals, or life aspirations that lead to ongoing conflict and incompatibility, it can be challenging to maintain the marriage.
- Unhappiness and Lack of Emotional Connection: If a marriage consistently causes unhappiness or is marked by a lack of emotional intimacy, it may lead someone to consider ending the relationship.
- Addiction or Substance Use: Chronic addiction or substance use problems can be difficult to overcome and may harm the marriage.
- Failed Attempts to Address Issues: When multiple attempts to address marital problems, such as therapy or counseling, have not resulted in significant improvements or resolutions, it may indicate that the problems are deeply ingrained or that the marriage is no longer viable.
- Differing Life Paths: Spouses may find themselves on differing life paths with contrasting goals, making it challenging to continue the marriage.
- Individual Well-Being: When the marriage is causing chronic unhappiness or negatively impacting the mental or emotional health of one or both spouses, ending the marriage may be considered.
- Consideration of Children: Ending a marriage may be necessary if the environment is toxic or detrimental to the children.
What is an unhappy marriage?
All marriages have their ups and downs, however, in some cases the downs may outnumber or outweigh the ups. An unhappy marriage may be characterized by persistent dissatisfaction, emotional distress, and a lack of fulfillment in the relationship between spouses. It also may entail ongoing negative emotions, such as unhappiness, resentment, frustration, or loneliness, with limited positive interactions or emotional connection.
Signs of an unhappy marriage may include consistent argument or conflict, poor communication, emotional distance, disinterest in spending time together, and a pervasive feeling that the relationship is no longer meeting the emotional, psychological, or practical needs of one or both partners. The specific reasons for unhappiness in a marriage can vary widely, ranging from communication breakdown to issues like infidelity, abuse, or incompatibility, and often require careful evaluation and potential intervention to address.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
The "walkaway wife syndrome" is a term used to describe a specific pattern in some marriages. It refers to a situation where a wife, who may have been experiencing dissatisfaction, unhappiness, or emotional disconnection in the marriage, reaches a point where she decides to walk away from the relationship without much prior warning or discussion. This syndrome suggests that the decision to end the marriage may come as a surprise to the husband, who may not have been fully aware of the depth of his wife's emotional concerns or the extent of her unhappiness.
It may be important to note that the "walkaway wife syndrome" is not a recognized psychological or medical diagnosis. It is a term used to describe a common scenario in which one spouse may initiate a divorce or separation in a way that leaves the other partner feeling blindsided or unaware of the severity of the issues in the marriage. This phenomenon highlights the significance of open and honest communication in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling marital relationship.
What is the first thing to do when separating?
The first thing to do when separating from a spouse or considering a divorce is to take a deep breath and approach the situation with careful planning and consideration. Here are the initial steps to take:
- Open Communication: If possible, have an open and honest conversation with your spouse about your decision to separate. This can be a difficult but necessary step to discuss the reasons for the separation and any shared responsibilities, such as children or property.
- Consult with an Attorney: It may be advisable to seek legal counsel by consulting with an experienced family law attorney. They can provide guidance on the legal aspects of separation and divorce, such as property division, child custody, and support.
- Gather Financial Documents: Start gathering important financial documents, such as tax returns, bank statements, investment accounts, and records of assets and debts. These documents may be essential for property and financial settlements.
- Create a Support System: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for emotional support during this challenging time. Having a support system can help you navigate the emotional aspects of separation.
- Consider Your Children: If you have children, focus on their well-being. Discuss the separation with them in an age-appropriate and sensitive manner. Ensure they continue to receive the love and support they need during the transition.
- Establish Separate Living Arrangements: Depending on your circumstances, you may need to establish separate living arrangements. This can include finding a new place to live or temporarily living apart from your spouse.
- Review Your Finances: Examine your financial situation and create a budget for your post-separation life. This will help you understand your financial needs and responsibilities.
- Protect Your Space: Change passwords and keep personal and financial information to protect your and prevent the use of your accounts.
- Explore Mediation or Therapy: Consider mediation or therapy to work through issues with your spouse, especially if you wish to reach an amicable agreement regarding the separation, property, or custody.
- Update Legal Documents: Review and update legal documents, such as your will, power of attorney, and any beneficiary designations, to reflect your current wishes.
It may be beneficial to approach a separation with careful planning, as it can be a complex and emotionally charged process. Seeking legal advice and support, as well as addressing the emotional aspects of separation, can help you navigate this challenging transition with greater clarity and confidence.
What are the 3 types of separation?
There are several types of separation that couples may consider, depending on their individual circumstances and the nature of their relationship. The three primary types of separation are:
Trial Separation: A trial separation is a temporary period during which a couple decides to live apart while they assess their relationship. It's often a time for reflection, with the possibility of reconciliation in mind. During a trial separation, couples may set specific guidelines and objectives, such as individual therapy, counseling, or working on personal issues. The goal is to determine whether they can address their problems and rebuild the relationship or whether a divorce is the best course of action.
Legal Separation: Legal separation is a formal legal process in which a couple legally divides their finances, assets, and responsibilities without officially ending the marriage. It involves obtaining a court decree that outlines the terms of the separation, including property division, child custody, and support arrangements. Legal separation is often chosen for religious, financial, or health insurance reasons, or when divorce is not an immediate option.
Permanent Separation or Divorce: A permanent separation or divorce is the complete and final termination of a marriage. In a divorce, the marital relationship is legally dissolved, and both spouses can remarry if they choose. This involves settling all aspects of the separation, including property division, alimony, child custody, and child support through a court process. Permanent separation or divorce is chosen when there is no intention of reconciliation, and the couple wishes to live separate lives.
Each type of separation has its own legal and emotional implications, and the choice should be based on the specific circumstances and goals of the individuals involved. Seeking legal advice and counseling can help couples make informed decisions about the type of separation that best suits their needs.
What is the #1 reason for divorce?
The leading reason for divorce can vary depending on factors such as location, culture, and societal changes. However, several common factors often contribute to divorce, and one of the most frequently cited reasons are a lack of communication problems.
Inadequate or breakdown of communication is a fundamental issue in many marriages. Difficulty in discussing feelings, resolving conflicts, or having goals and expectations can lead to a sense of emotional disconnection and unhappiness, ultimately driving couples apart. Effective communication is essential for maintaining a healthy and thriving relationship, and a lack of it can contribute to various other marital problems.
While communication problems are frequently cited, divorce can result from a combination of issues, including financial disagreements, infidelity in the past or present, incompatibility, and more. Every marriage is unique, and the reasons for divorce are often multifaceted. Couples may seek divorce when they believe their marital problems are insurmountable or when their individual well-being and happiness are at stake.
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