What Are The Ethics Of Polyamory Or Non-Monogamous Relationships?

In recent years, the popularity of alternative relationship styles that aren’t classified as monogamy has risen in western society. A 2021 survey from the Kinsey Institute indicates that one in nine Americans have already been involved in a consensual non-monogamous relationship of some kind and that one in six report that they would like to be. Whether an individual has encountered non-monogamy on dating apps, heard about it through friends, or found a way to imagine it for themselves, this relationship style may appeal to many different types of people.

A non-monogamous relationship allows its participants to have more than one romantic and/or sexual partner at the same time. Making sure everyone agrees to this dynamic beforehand is known as ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual nonmonogamy (CNM). There are many different types of consensually non-monogamous relationships, such as polyamory, open relationships, and swinging. People may also create their own unique arrangements based on what they want and need. Understanding more about ENM or CNM dynamics may help a person decide on the type of relationship they’d like to pursue, and working with an in-person or online therapist may also be beneficial in navigating this area of life.

What is non-monogamy?

A non-monogamous relationship is a type of romantic and/or sexual dynamic in which one or more participants have multiple romantic and/or sexual partners at the same time.

Infidelity, on the other hand, is when one person in a monogamous relationship secretly starts a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone else, without their existing partner knowing or agreeing. This act may harm the trust between the two people in a monogamous relationship. That’s why non-monogamy typically relies on open conversations, a shared understanding, and clear agreement from everyone involved in order to preserve trust and the emotional health of all participants. An online therapist may help a person build communication skills and navigate relationship challenges in a healthy way.

Some common types of non-monogamous relationships

Non-monogamous relationships can take a wide variety of forms, each with its own unique rules and guidelines designed by and for the participants. The following are just a few of the many different types of non-monogamy.

Open relationships

This general term means that individuals in a relationship have agreed to allow their partner to have other sexual and/or romantic partners outside of their “primary” relationship, though it more commonly refers to sexual openness only. The central couple often sets rules and limits for these outside activities, deciding things like how much emotional involvement or which types of sexual activities are okay. An open relationship dynamic can allow partners to explore connections with others while still maintaining their primary relationship.

Polyamory as a type of ethical non-monogamy (ENM)

Polyamory is a type of non-monogamous relationship in which individuals are open to having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships simultaneously. It may take a wide variety of different forms, but one example is two partners in a couple each also having other partners. Regardless of their exact makeup, ethical polyamorous relationships usually require everyone involved to know and agree to the arrangement. This type of relationship often focuses on strong emotional bonds and open communication between partners.

Swinging

Swinging refers to a lifestyle in which couples agree to have sexual encounters with others together—usually with other couples or in a larger group sex environment. Swinging parties or clubs are common places for these consensual activities to happen. Unlike other non-monogamous relationships, swinging is often more about sexual exploration than emotional connections, and it usually involves couples participating together rather than seeking outside connections on their own.

Relationship anarchy

Relationship anarchy is a unique form of non-monogamy that avoids ranking relationships based on importance or longevity. Relationship anarchists typically reject the common polyamory concept of “primary” and “secondary” partners, instead seeing all relationships as equal and focusing on allowing individuals to be in control of their own connections. There aren't usually as many set rules or structures in relationship anarchy as in other types of ENM; instead, people in the relationship(s) generally exercise full agency in deciding what works best for them.

Casual dating or solo polyamory

Casual dating means having non-exclusive relationships that are usually short-term and based on shared interests or activities. These relationships can be just about sex or involve different levels of emotional connection, depending on what the participants want. Casual dating a chance to explore and enjoy relationships without committing to one main partner. 

For some people, casual dating is a phase in their life before they begin searching for a single long-term, committed partner. For others, it’s a dynamic they prefer to maintain over the longer term. For still others, casual dating takes the form of solo polyamory, in which a person may have multiple committed, long-term relationships but without designating a primary partner or cohabiting with anyone.

Monogamish relationships

"Monogamish" is a term coined by sex and relationships advice columnist Dan Savage. It refers to relationships that are mainly monogamous but allow for some sexual activity outside the relationship, usually under specific circumstances. Its exact definition can vary from couple to couple. 

For some, it could mean permission to engage in forms of online connection with other partners but nothing in person. For others, it could look like occasional swinging, or permission for one normally monogamous partner to seek outside connections while traveling, or virtually any other arrangement that doesn’t follow the format of traditional monogamous people. Monogamish relationships may offer a balance between complete monogamy and full ENM, giving partners some variety in their sexual or romantic lives while still focusing on their main relationship. 

Polyfidelity

Polyfidelity is a type of ethical non-monogamy in which people have multiple committed relationships with more than one person, but only within a certain group. This kind of relationship is like monogamy in that it often focuses on long-lasting, stable, committed partnerships, often without outside connections, but is like non-monogamy in that it involves three or more people. Polyfidelity usually encourages a strong bond among all partners and a sense of trust and commitment within the group.

Why some people choose non-monogamy

Motivations for choosing a non-monogamous relationship style can vary widely. According to a 2021 study on the topic, individuals tend to be primarily motivated to pursue ENM for one of the following reasons:

• Autonomy in the sense of having full control over who you engage with and how
• Beliefs and value systems related to personal exploration, identity, or rejection of certain societal norms or traditions
• Relationality, or joining a community of like-minded individuals who can provide support
• Sexuality, or ENM as a way to explore one’s sexual identity and types of sexual desire
• Growth and expansion, since navigating ENM relationships may require strengthening one’s communication skills and learning to manage difficult emotions like jealousy
• Pragmatism for a given individual’s lifestyle, like one partner who wants more sex than their spouse being able to seek it ethically

Deciding what kind of relationship you may be interested in can be a process of self-exploration that you might engage in over time.

Is non-monogamy ethical?

When it's done in an ethical way and with everyone happily agreeing to it, a non-monogamous relationship may be a viable alternative to traditional, single-partner relationships. ENM connections can often be just as meaningful and satisfying for those who prefer this style. In other words, people can generally feel empowered to learn about various relationship models, consider their own needs and desires, and make decisions accordingly, with the only potential ethical concerns typically being related to how they treat themselves and the other people involved in the process.

Common challenges related to ethical non-monogamy

A few common concerns that ENM individuals may face include:

• Jealousy and comparison. A person might feel left out when a partner of theirs is with others, or they might feel inferior when comparing their own life or traits to those of their partner’s partner. Learning to set healthy boundaries, manage jealousy, and maintain self-worth can often be a core part of healthy and fulfilling ENM. 
• Attachment-related issues. Per attachment theory, the effects of an insecure attachment style may show up in any type of relationship, but ENM dynamics may offer additional opportunities for these concerns to arise.
• Time management. When a person has more than one partner, scheduling appropriately in order to spend enough time with each of them can sometimes be a challenge.
• Stigma. As it’s considered by some to be nontraditional, individuals who practice ethical non-monogamy may sometimes face judgment or stigma from friends, family members, colleagues, or even strangers, which may be difficult to manage.

Each relationship style may have its challenges, whether it’s non-monogamous or not. Experiencing concerns like these can often be expected and doesn’t necessarily mean that a person should reconsider ENM.

However, if your relationship(s) are frequently making you feel anxious, distressed, or lonely, you might benefit from trying to get to the root of the issue. If you're looking to get support in exploring your ideal relationship style, managing jealousy, trying to feel secure in your connections, or navigating other parts of your dating life, you might consider meeting with an in-person or online therapist.

Tips for engaging in non-monogamy in a healthy, ethical way

For those who prefer it, ENM can be a beneficial and fulfilling relationship structure when practiced in a way that considers each person’s feelings and needs. Finding joy and fulfillment in a safe manner within the world of ENM is can be possible with the right set of strategies and tools, like the following.

Practice honest, regular communication

Frequent, honest, and respectful communication is widely considered to be the foundation of a healthy relationship—perhaps even more so in non-monogamy. The outcomes of poor communication can be multiplied when the feelings of more than two people are involved. Plus, each non-monogamous relationship may have different parameters, so speaking about guidelines and needs in detail may help ensure everyone is on the same page, and so that opportunities for hurt feelings or transgressed boundaries are minimal.

Set clear, specific boundaries

Establishing clear limits within all of your romantic and sexual relationships is often considered to be a focal point of ENM. These limits or rules could cover how emotionally involved you can get with multiple sexual partners, what types of sexual activities are permitted, and more—all with the goal of helping each individual involved feel respected and secure.

Manage jealousy

Feeling jealous sometimes can be a natural part of the human experience, and it may affect monogamous and non-monogamous individuals alike. The presence of jealousy doesn’t necessarily mean that a person should stop engaging in ENM, that they should break up with a partner, or that they’re not cut out for this type of lifestyle. The presence of jealousy or any other emotion can simply be a piece of information that indicates that your attention is needed in a certain area of your experience. 

For example, jealousy might indicate that you:

• Need to set a new boundary
• Are not feeling heard or respected by one of your partners
• Simply need some validation or self-soothing to bring yourself back to equilibrium

 Learning to listen to and manage jealousy is often an important part of navigating non-monogamy in a healthy way. 

Look after your sexual health

Some non-monogamous relationships may be romantic and not sexual. However, for individuals who do have sex with multiple partners, managing sexual health can be important. It may involve practices like openly discussing physical intimacy boundaries, getting routine testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and becoming familiar with common STI symptoms.

How to get support in navigating non-monogamy

Having various forms of social support may help a non monogamous person navigate ENM while preserving their well-being. First, finding online or in-person polyamorous community may be helpful for sharing experiences and addressing challenges with people who hold similar values. Working with a therapist who is experienced in supporting non-monogamous individuals may also be beneficial, whether you're trying to decide if ENM makes sense for you or you need help navigating conflict in one of your relationships.

Finding relationship support in online therapy

Navigating the complexities of relationships—whether monogamous or not—can be challenging. That’s why many people turn to therapy for support. In individual therapy, a provider can offer a safe space for you to express your emotions, explore what you want out of your intimate relationships or other relationships, and learn tools for setting boundaries and communicating your needs. In couples therapy, a provider can facilitate meaningful and productive conversations among monogamous or non-monogamous people who are in a relationship together.

However, it’s not always easy for people to regularly commute to in-person therapy appointments. This can be especially true for those who lead non-monogamous lifestyles, which often come with busy schedules. This is an example of a situation in which online therapy may represent a more convenient option. With a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples or others in a relationship together, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with for talk therapy via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging. Research shows that online therapy and in-person therapy can often be similarly effective for addressing certain mental health conditions and life challenges like relationship conflict.