What Is Co-Parenting? Pros And Cons To Consider

The options for parenting children after divorce or separation have expanded in recent decades. While many parents have had to fight for custody over their children, a new way of raising children after separation has gained popularity among families: co-parenting.

When done well, co-parenting can offer many advantages for the children involved. This style of parenting, however, may not be right for all families. This article will cover the advantages and challenges of co-parenting to help you decide whether co-parenting could work for your family. 

What is co-parenting?

Co-parenting refers to the process of divorced or separated parents continuing to raise their kid(s) together, even after they have separated as a couple. Rather than two parents taking each other to court over custody, parents continue to work together to decide what is best for their child’s upbringing. This type of shared parenting can include children having equal time with each parent or give each parent equal rights in decision-making, even if their child is at the other parent’s house.

Types of co-parenting arrangements

Cooperative co-parenting

In cooperative co-parenting, parents generally have a cordial relationship. They work together to create a stable, supportive environment for the child, which may reduce anxiety and stress. Research shows that cooperative co-parenting can be beneficial for child behavioral outcomes and promote positive adjustment in adolescence.

Conflicted co-parenting

Conflicted co-parenting involves uncooperative communication, ineffective conflict resolution, and high levels of hostility and tension between parents. Conflicted co-parents may be involved in ongoing legal battles. This co-parenting style can have a negative impact on the children, resulting in severe psychological and emotional stress and affecting their ability to have healthy adult relationships in the future. 

Parallel co-parenting

Parallel co-parents operate independently of one another, which can mean different parenting rules for the children, depending on who they are with. This type of inconsistency in expectations and household rules can be confusing and stressful for children. In this approach, parents are generally disengaged from one another, potentially avoiding direct communication to avoid conflict.

Co-parenting benefits for your child

Cooperative co-parenting can have several benefits for children. When parents work together, it can help ensure the child’s needs are met and that they get the emotional support they need to maintain healthy relationships with both parents.

Effective co-parenting can also have a significant impact on a child’s mental health. Research has shown that children who are exposed to parental conflict may be more likely to develop mental health problems, like anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Co-operative co-parenting can lessen the amount of parental conflict children experience, which may be protective against these mental health challenges.

Kids whose parents have a cooperative co-parenting relationship may also:  

• Feel more secure and confident in the love of both parents
• Adjust more quickly to divorce and new living situations
• Have better self-esteem
• Have consistent rules so they know what to expect, which can help reduce stress
• Have a healthy relationship example to follow

Co-parenting pros and cons

For parents trying to navigate parenthood after divorce or separation, it can help to consider the pros and cons of coparenting.

Pros

One of the clearest pros of co-parenting is that it can be beneficial to the children involved. Working together to make life post-divorce as normal and easy for the child as possible is likely to help unify the parents and kids. For example, ex-partners may work together to create a set of rules and a discipline plan that is followed at both your houses. The consistency of parenting styles at both houses can help prevent further disruption to the child’s life. Parents who coordinate their shared parenting responsibilities can present a united front for the family unit, even though they are now divorced. This joint interaction can create a stable environment to help the child adjust to the divorce. 

Some co-parents go a step further in creating consistency for their child by creating a “bird-nesting” plan for their families. Bird-nesting is when the children continue to live in the family home, and the parents take turns rotating who is at the house with the children. Instead of a child having to navigate two households, the parents do the traveling. Some parents find that this plan is fairer to the child since the divorce was not their choosing. In essence, this plan places a larger inconvenience on the parents instead of the children.

Co-parenting plans can be beneficial to everyone involved because they work to diffuse tension and prioritize conflict resolution after a divorce, helping to ensure that the children grow and develop in a more stable environment.

Cons

Although co-parenting can have many benefits and advantages, it can be important to consider its cons as well. Some of the potential downsides that might make co-parenting challenging or unfeasible include: 

• You will have to try to accept that your ex will remain a significant part of your life. While they will always be the child’s parent and connected to you in some way, co-parenting requires additional effort to work together. For example, if you’re taking the bird-nesting approach, you and your ex will still share a living space, even if you are there at different times. If you are sharing the family home, you may still have to make major decisions together.
• You may have to set aside your feelings sometimes. When you’re co-parenting with your ex, you must learn to set aside or control the negative feelings that you may have toward them, especially in front of your children. You’ll likely need to set aside your personal conflict with your former spouse to work together as a team while raising your children. 
• It is not possible or healthy for everyone. Co-parenting may not be a feasible option for all ex-spouses  after divorce. For example, co-parenting with an ex who was abusive in any way can prolong an unhealthy situation for you and your children. If you continue to feel disrespected or unsafe around your ex, this can negatively affect your children as well. The emotional well-being and safety of you and your child must come first. In such cases, an individual parenting plan may be more appropriate.

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat.

Shared parenting responsibilities and major decisions

Co-parenting can work best when both parents are clear on shared parenting responsibilities. Having open conversations and putting together a parenting plan can be beneficial to reduce conflict and keep the focus on the child’s needs.

A simple shared parenting responsibilities list

Shared parenting responsibilities generally cover everyday and long-term commitments, like school transportation, doctor’s appointments, after-school activities, homework help, and holiday arrangements. These are typically predictable, scheduled events, which can make it easier for coparents to understand their roles and fulfill their responsibilities. 

What counts as major decisions

Major decisions can have a significant impact on a child’s life, so it can be best to approach them carefully as they arise, with both parents having input. Some examples of what might count as major decisions include:

• Introducing the children to a new partner
• Relocating
• Traveling out of the country
• Choosing where the child will go to college

When to document agreements in writing

Verbal agreements can work well when co-parents have a cooperative relationship, but writing things down can protect everyone and ensure nothing gets overlooked. A written plan that both parents have previously agreed to can also be beneficial if tensions or difficulties rise, as it gives both parties something concrete to come back to.

Parenting rules and consistency across households

During and after a divorce, it is likely that your children’s normal routines will be disrupted. It can be helpful to work with your ex and children to create a new routine that everyone can follow and count on. This could include establishing a common calendar, so the kids know which parent they’re spending time with on what day, or even creating set times that your whole family spends together. 

Which parenting rules should match

Having parenting rules that apply when the kids are with either parent can also help provide stability and consistency. Some examples of parenting rules that should match may include those that apply to: 

• Sleep schedules and bedtimes
• Nutritional guidance
• Screen time and media consumption
• Homework and studying

It can also be beneficial to lay out consistent consequences that apply with both parents so that the child knows exactly what to expect.

Where flexibility helps the child’s needs

As crucial as consistency is to managing a child’s upbringing, flexibility can also be important for meeting a child’s needs. For example, there may be times when it makes more sense for your ex to provide childcare for the kids during your designated days with them. Your ex may have a family reunion that falls on a weekend when you were supposed to have your kids. If you don’t already have major plans with your child, try to be flexible with your ex in allowing them to take care of the child for the day. Remember, co-parenting requires working to do what is in the best interest of your child, even if it can sometimes mean not getting your way.

Conflict resolution and keeping a cordial relationship

You may wish to end all contact with your ex after a divorce, but co-parenting requires maintaining the lines of communication. This does not mean that the two of you need to be close friends or in constant contact. However, effective communication does mean being consistent in answering their calls and responding to their text messages.

Communication guidelines for ex-spouses

It can help to establish boundaries about when you’re available to communicate or create a weekly schedule for when to communicate about your children. (Emergencies, of course, would be exceptions.) Creating a communication plan with your co-parent can include establishing regular times to communicate, how you wish to communicate (phone, email, text, etc.), and what you’ll need to talk about regularly, such as your children’s schedules, school events, and doctor’s visits.

How to de-escalate in the moment

You might also talk with your co-parent about how you’ll handle conflict when it arises. Having a consensus about how you will resolve conflicts can help you handle them without disrupting your children’s lives. As in any team effort, respectful communication can be an important part of successful co-parenting. 

During intense interactions, it can be difficult for ex-spouses to know how to de-escalate, even when conflict resolution is in the best interest of everyone involved. Attempt to maintain a cordial relationship, in which you treat one another as business partners. This approach can help you focus on the logistics of getting the kids what they need while avoiding any emotional or personal issues between you. Step away and take a break to calm down if you need to, and avoid engaging in personal attacks. In high-conflict cases, it can also be beneficial to bring in a neutral third party for emotional support.

When to move to a parallel parenting style

There may be times when cooperative co-parenting is not the best option. In a parental relationship with high conflict, consistent boundary violations, an inability to work together, or safety concerns, minimal contact may be the only viable option.

Should co-parents spend time together? What matters for kids

There are times when it may be beneficial for co-parents to spend time together to meet the child’s needs. Spending quality time together as a family during transitions, when coping with major life events, or for special events, can make children feel more secure and offer a sense of stability. That said, this may only work if coparents have a low-conflict relationship. High-conflict interactions are likely only to add more stress and anxiety to the situation.

Co-parenting with new partners and new relationships

New relationships can introduce an additional layer of complexity to a co-parenting relationship, but when handled thoughtfully and cooperatively, they can be enriching to the family.

Introducing new partners to kids

Generally, it can be best to wait until new relationships are stable to introduce new partners to children. When the time comes, it may be best to allow children to adjust at their own pace. The co-parent does not need to approve of the new relationship, but giving them a heads-up can be reasonable to maintain a cordial relationship.

Boundaries and expectations with blended family changes

Co-parents may need to revisit boundaries when a new partner is introduced to the family unit to ensure that the child’s needs are still being met. Parenting decisions should still be made by the child’s parents, not the new partner.

Preventing loyalty binds and protecting emotional support

Children should not be made to feel like they have to choose between their parents. Avoiding negative talk and encouraging the child’s positive feelings about the new partner can be especially important to ensuring consistent emotional support across both homes.

Mental health support and guidance for a parent post-divorce

As you adjust to life after a breakup, you may find that therapy can offer a source of support. A therapist can help you move forward into becoming a positive influence as both a person and a parent in your children’s lives. If you’re struggling with the demands of your new parenting schedule, it may be helpful to find an online therapist, like those at BetterHelp, instead of meeting in person. Parenting tends to be a full-time job, which can make attending in-person therapy sessions difficult. Online therapy allows you to meet with a therapist from anywhere you have an internet connection and a smart device. 

What is co-parenting therapy's effectiveness, according to research?

Research has shown that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy in addressing a number of mental health concerns. In a 2019 study of an eight-session online mindful parenting intervention, researchers found that mothers with high parental stress showed compelling improvements in self-compassion and a reduction in symptoms of anxiety and depression. The program included meditations, visualization techniques, and writing exercises. Researchers noted that the intervention appeared to be efficacious in improving mothers’ mental health and could be applied to other online therapy programs.