Alternatives To Punishment: 4 Healthy Discipline Techniques For Parents To Try

The concept of punishment has been a popular topic of study in psychology, given its real-world applications in parenting and education and its potential long-term effects on child development. A growing body of research suggests a strong connection between punishment and negative psychological consequences, indicating that it may hinder a child’s healthy development and self-esteem. That said, there are several healthy alternatives to punishment that caregivers can use to help shape their child’s behavior in a more constructive way. Below, we’ll explore some of these strategies for fostering a more trusting, respectful relationship between adults and the children they may care for. 

The definition of punishment and its potential impact on children

According to the American Psychological Association, punishment is “a physically or psychologically painful, unwanted, or undesirable circumstance” delivered as a penalty to reprimand someone for an actual or perceived wrongdoing. 

While it’s common to associate it with acts like spanking or hitting, punishment can also be non-physical. For example, yelling, intimidation, threats, and other forms of verbal reprimand can be classified as punishment, too. Both physical and non-physical punishment have the potential to damage any person’s self-esteem and mental well-being over time, and this is particularly true for children. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in any form, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for immediate support, advice, and assistance.

In addition to bodily harm, physical or “corporal” punishment can also cause chronic stress and “overloaded biological systems,” which can increase a child’s risk of the following per the World Health Organization (WHO):

• Substance misuse and substance use disorders
• Cardiovascular disease
• Arthritis
• Obesity
• Migraines
• Depression
• Anxiety disorders
• Poor behavioral outcomes like increased aggression, violence, and other antisocial behaviors 

Forms of psychological punishment—which usually qualifies as emotional or verbal abuse—are similarly associated with an increased risk of low self-esteem, depressive mood, anxiety, anger and hostility, self-harm and suicidality, obesity, and substance misuse. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or behaviors, seek help immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached 24/7 by dialing 988.

The SAMHSA National Helpline for support with substance misuse is available 24/7 and can be reached by calling (800) 662-4357.

Learning about the serious and lasting consequences that physical or verbal punishment can have on children throughout their lives can be disturbing, especially to parents and caregivers who are invested in creating the most supportive environment possible. Know that there are plenty of positive discipline methods out there that can be used as healthy alternatives to the types of punishment described above. Instead of causing harm, these may help children develop positive behavioral habits and learn right from wrong in a constructive, non-damaging way.

Positive discipline: An alternative to punishment

Before exploring alternatives to punishment, it’s important to distinguish it from “discipline.” Although the terms are sometimes used interchangeably, they mean very different things from a psychological perspective and can yield very different outcomes for children.

Punishment focuses on bad behavior and offers little to nothing to help a child improve their behavior going forward. In contrast, discipline aims to teach a child the value of self-control, confidence, and accountability by clearly but compassionately outlining which behaviors are acceptable and which behaviors are not—and then equipping them with tools and strategies to make different choices in the future.

Some psychologists and parenting experts formally recognize the framework of positive discipline, which is based on theories developed by psychologist Alfred Adler. His theory depicts humans as social beings driven by a desire for belonging, “completeness,” and a sense of mastery. Drawing from this theory, positive discipline aims to help children feel a sense of connection, learn important social and life skills, and understand their personal power and autonomy

The goal of healthy discipline is to give a child time and space to reflect on their behaviors and learn to hold themselves accountable. A child who is well-disciplined in this way is likely to be more independent and respectful of themselves and others without being subject to the harmful possible outcomes of punishment-based methods. 

4 techniques for positive discipline 

Noting the critical difference between punishment and discipline, caregivers might try exploring the following four positive discipline strategies to improve their child's behavior while supporting their healthy development.

1. Take a time out

“Time outs” aren’t just for kids. When their children are misbehaving, many parents can benefit from taking a moment to walk away from the situation for a moment and let any strong emotions subside before making disciplinary decisions. If you’re unable to leave your child or the situation, you might count to 10 in your head before moving forward or engage in a quick deep breathing exercise. If your child is also upset, you could try taking some deep breaths together.

A self-imposed time out in any of these formats may provide an opportunity to briefly focus on controlling your own anger or frustration first. That way, you may be able to make a more constructive discipline decision and ultimately model the type of emotional control you want your child to learn to emulate. 

2. Model the behaviors you want to see

Your own swearing, frustration, yelling, or other angry responses may actually “feed” misbehavior in children, as they may perceive these as acceptable ways to experience strong feelings. While anger, frustration, and other strong emotions are not inherently “bad,” it’s important for parents to teach children how to process and express them in healthy, nonviolent ways. Remember: Even in the absence of conflict, parents are near-constant models of behavior.

One example of modeling healthy behaviors for your child could include acknowledging when you experience difficult feelings and talking about how you’re handling them. It could also look like holding yourself accountable for your mistakes and apologizing and/or explaining how you plan to act differently in the future.

In other words: If there are particular positive behaviors you want your child to adopt, you might take a moment to reflect on your own actions and consider adjusting accordingly. Caregivers and children can work as a team to become more mindful of their habits and maintain healthy, mutually accountable relationships. 

3. Set clear and consistent expectations 

Setting expectations is a key part of the discipline process because children need to be able to understand and engage in what you’re asking them to. It can help to make sure your expectations for their behavior are:

• Clear and age-appropriate. Use words and concepts your child can understand and incorporate concrete examples whenever possible. For example, “Let’s try to take some deep breaths when we feel angry” is clearer guidance than “Manage your anger effectively” or “Calm down.” 
• Reasonable. Discipline strategies should be designed to empower your children at the phase of development they’re currently in and not make them feel inadequate or confused. Make it clear that you don’t expect perfection and that mistakes are okay, but that you want to work together to help them learn.
• Consistent. While perfection isn’t an attainable standard for you as a caregiver either, it’s usually best to be as consistent in your discipline as possible. If you enforce a rule or boundary sometimes but not others or for one of your children but not another, for instance, it can make your expectations confusing and your strategies less effective overall. In some cases, it can help to have written/visual versions of family or household rules posted in a common area to remind both you and your children to stick to them.

4. Strive to listen to and understand your child

In many cases, a poor decision or inappropriate behavior can be traced to some cause or combination of stressors. For example, perhaps your child had a long day of testing at school, or they’re exhausted after waking up from bad dreams during the night. When they act out or fail to meet expectations, it might help to acknowledge any circumstances or feelings that may have contributed to that behavior. It’s not about making excuses, but rather about offering some grace and aiming to understand the underlying causes of certain behaviors so they can be improved upon going forward.

Depending on their age and verbal abilities, your child may be able to learn to reflect on and explain why they’re acting or communicating in a certain way. This process can be a valuable tool for them to use throughout their lives, and it can help you learn how you might better support them too.

Get support for the challenges of parenting

Healthy discipline can be thought of as an ongoing process rather than a singular event or decision. Plus, as children age, you’ll likely need to revisit certain rules, adapt your expectations, and find new ways to encourage positive behaviors. Throughout this process, a therapist can serve as a valuable source of support for parents and caregivers. They can offer you a safe space to express your emotions and advice on strategies for managing the many challenges of caring for children. If you’re experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition or concern like chronic stress or anxiety, they can help you address these as well.

Since parents and caregivers often have busy schedules, regularly commuting to a therapist’s office for in-person care is not always an option. In cases like these, an online therapy platform like BetterHelp can represent a more convenient alternative. You can get matched with a licensed therapist in a matter of days and then meet with them virtually from the comfort of home or anywhere else you have a stable internet connection. A growing body of research suggests that online therapy can offer similar effectiveness to in-person sessions in many cases, so you can generally feel confident in relying on this type of care if it’s more convenient for you.

Takeaway

Modern psychological research in general strongly suggests the effectiveness of healthy, positive discipline as an alternative to punishment, the latter of which can be harmful to a child’s health and development. Regardless of your child’s age or developmental stage, there are ways to appropriately provide discipline to help curb unwanted behaviors while fostering their growth, development, and self-esteem. If you’re looking for support in meeting the many challenges of parenting or caregiving, meeting with a therapist could be helpful.