Five Steps To Help You Cope When Someone Hurts Your Feelings

Most of us experience hurt feelings at some point due to an interaction with a friend, family, romantic partner, coworker, or another person. While this pain is real and your emotions are valid, the emotional pain you’re experiencing doesn’t necessarily have to negatively affect you in the long term. Below, we’ll look at five steps to help you cope when someone hurts your feelings. 

Step one: Discover the root of the hurt

When someone hurts your feelings in some way, your initial reaction may be to eliminate your negative feelings as quickly as possible. You may feel like avoiding the issue altogether, which can be normal. You might bury yourself in other activities, like work, a vacation, a relationship, online gaming, or watching TV. However, research shows that blocked emotions can negatively affect our mental and physical health, such as heart disease, headaches, insomnia, and digestive problems. Also, using distractions keeps you from learning from your experience.

Instead, in order to grow from your experience, you might try to fully experience your emotions. You might take some time to think about why you are feeling the way you are. You could ask yourself why the situation is affecting you so deeply. You may even ask yourself how you got into the situation or if you did anything to contribute to it. If you did contribute, it may be important not to be too critical of yourself, as this could place unrealistic expectations on yourself.

Step two: Put yourself in their shoes

After you have experienced your feelings and thoughts for a while, you might take some time to explore the situation more deeply. It may be helpful to try to understand why the other person did or said what they did. This may be easier said than done, but you may find that understanding the other person’s perspective makes it easier for you to accept the situation. It may not take away the pain you experienced or lead you to automatically forgive the person who hurt you, but it may reduce the intensity of your feelings.

For instance, let’s suppose you are hurt because a friend snapped at you. You may know they are going through an intense breakup with their long-term partner. Although this may not excuse their behavior, it may help you understand why they acted the way they did. They may be experiencing a lot of distressing emotions themselves.

Step Three: Practice self-care

After you've discovered the root of the hurt and have an understanding of where the person who hurt you was coming from, it may be beneficial to focus on yourself for a while. Spending extra time on self-care when you’re feeling hurt may be an effective way to nurture yourself. Self-care can be tailored to your specific needs. You might take a long bath, enjoy a fun workout, or spend time outside in the fresh air, or do whatever makes you feel calm and rested.

Part of self-care may also involve seeking support and discussing the situation with a friend. At this stage, you might make a much clearer and more logical presentation of what happened, and it may be less likely that talking about it will escalate your distress because you have already worked to manage your emotions.

Step four: Set boundaries

After you've decompressed and gained better control of your emotions, you might set aside time to talk with the person who hurt you. You could let them know they hurt you and explain why, specifically, you were affected by what they did or said. You may need to set boundaries and stand up for yourself to avoid further hurt, and discussing the issue may be a significant part of this process. It may be helpful to clearly explain what type of behavior you will not tolerate and how you will respond in the future if they display that behavior.

Conversely, if you don’t wish to talk with the person who hurt you or have chosen not to continue that relationship, you might write a letter about the situation to get your thoughts in order. You may not need to send the letter, but establishing the boundary, even if only for yourself to carry into other relationships, may be helpful.

Step five: Forgive

According to Harvard Medical School, “Observational studies, and even some randomized trials, suggest that forgiveness is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and hostility; reduced substance use; higher self-esteem; and greater life satisfaction.” 

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

You can go through all the steps listed above, but you may never receive an apology for the hurt you experienced. It may be helpful to accept that fact and take steps to move on. Holding on to feelings of shame, anger, or guilt may make you feel worse, and it isn’t likely to affect the person who hurt you in the way you might want it to. 

It may be helpful to remember that while you may not always be able to control what happens to you, you may be able to control how you react. This may give you a sense of control and reduce the potency of any negative emotions you’re experiencing.  

Online therapy can help you recover from hurt

Often, emotional pain stems from the thoughts we have about a situation we’ve experienced. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) may help you identify and change unhelpful thought patterns, thus improving your emotions and behaviors as well.

If you’re feeling too hurt to discuss the situation during traditional in-office therapy, you may benefit from online therapy. Numerous peer-reviewed studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy. One study published in PLOS ONE found that online CBT was effective in reducing symptoms of depression, panic disorder, burnout, and post-traumatic stress. 

With online therapy, you can participate in therapy via phone, live chat, or videoconferencing at a time that works for you. Also, you can contact your therapist at any time in between sessions through in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can.