Am I Being Unreasonable? Understanding Boundaries In Relationships

Setting effective and reasonable boundaries can be an important element in any relationship. Whether you’re communicating with a spouse or setting expectations with a colleague at work, boundaries can establish guidelines for how you would like to be treated and may help promote your safety. That said, setting and enforcing reasonable boundaries can sometimes be challenging, especially when conflicts arise. 

Understanding the difference between reasonable and unreasonable boundaries may be the first step toward building respectful, fulfilling relationships. Additional skills, such as improving communication and self-reflection, may also help a person achieve success in personal and professional relationships. Here, we’ll examine what reasonable and unreasonable boundaries can look like, then we’ll explore strategies and techniques for setting reasonable boundaries to improve interpersonal relationships. 

Finding it challenging to set and maintain healthy boundaries?

Connecting with a therapist may help

What are boundaries in relationships? 

There may be many different types of boundaries within a relationship, including: 

• Emotional boundaries: protecting your emotional well-being by ensuring that your feelings and needs are respected
• Physical boundaries: defining personal space, touch, and physical comfort levels. For example, some may be comfortable greeting others with a hug or kiss while others may not.
• Time boundaries: managing how much time a person spends with others and prioritizing personal responsibilities
• Mental boundaries: respecting differences in opinions, thoughts, and personal values
• Financial boundaries: establishing expectations around money, spending, and financial responsibilities
• Digital boundaries: setting limits on phone use and social media interactions

Creating boundaries is not about controlling other people or dictating how they live their lives. Instead, it is about setting clear expectations around one’s personal needs. Boundaries may help a person maintain a sense of self in a relationship, and when they’re communicated effectively, they can set the foundation for healthy relationships where all parties feel supported. 

Healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries in relationships

It can be important to define healthy and unhealthy boundaries in both personal and professional relationships. Healthy boundaries can contribute to mutual respect and emotional well-being, while unhealthy boundaries may lead to resentment or conflict. Understanding the differences can help a person establish boundaries that contribute to strong and healthy relationships. 

Fair, logical limits: Examples of healthy boundaries

Healthy boundaries allow for balanced relationships where both individuals feel valued and respected. Characteristics of healthy boundaries may include: 

• Clear communication: expressing needs and limits directly and respectfully
• Mutual respect: both parties acknowledging and honoring each other’s boundaries
• Flexibility: when boundaries adapt to changing circumstances without becoming rigid or overly permissive
• Emotional independence: each person taking responsibility for their own emotions rather than expecting others to manage them
• Comfort with saying “no”: being able to decline requests without guilt or fear of retaliation
• Personal autonomy: making decisions based on one’s own values and needs rather than external pressure

Am I being unreasonable? Examples of unhealthy boundaries

In contrast to healthy boundaries, unhealthy boundaries can be overly rigid or too weak, potentially leading to dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Characteristics of unhealthy boundaries may include: 

• Lack of communication: either avoiding discussions about needs or failing to listen to others
• Overly rigid boundaries: being inflexible and unwilling to compromise, which may lead to isolation or difficulty maintaining relationships
• People-pleasing tendencies: saying "yes" out of guilt or fear of rejection rather than genuine willingness
• Codependency: feeling responsible for another person’s emotions or well-being, often at the expense of one’s own needs
• Fear of saying “no”: avoiding setting limits due to fear of conflict, guilt, or abandonment
• Controlling behavior: trying to dictate others’ actions instead of respecting their autonomy

Am I being unreasonable about boundaries in relationships? Signs a boundary may not be fair

While setting boundaries can be a healthy part of building a strong relationship, sometimes a boundary can become too restricting or unrealistic. Determining if a boundary is reasonable or not can be challenging, but in general, a boundary should protect a person’s well-being without unnecessarily restricting others or damaging relationships. Here are some signs that a boundary might be unreasonable: 

• It’s driven by fear or past trauma. Boundaries that stem from past trauma or fear may focus more on avoiding discomfort rather than fostering a healthy relationship. While some trauma-related boundaries can be fair, others may do more harm than good.
• It controls or manipulates others. A boundary may be unhealthy if it’s used to force someone to act a certain way rather than to protect mental health and well-being. 
• It is too rigid or inflexible. Relationships and boundaries may change over time. If a boundary is inflexible, it may become unreasonable.
• It leads to isolation. If a boundary prevents one party from building or maintaining other relationships or friendships, it may be unreasonable. 
• It leads to feelings of guilt or resentment. A boundary may be unreasonable if a person feels guilty enforcing the boundary, which may increase feelings of resentment. This may not be the case if a person has people-pleasing tendencies, however, as some guilt related to setting healthy boundaries may be normal at first.
  

For individuals who are in relationships with unreasonable boundaries, it may be important to adjust them as needed. This process may include reassessing the boundary to determine if it is protecting both parties as desired. It may also involve openly and honestly communicating with the other person to express needs while allowing for flexibility. 

Common causes of unreasonable boundaries in relationships

There may be several reasons why a person might set unreasonable boundaries. Understanding the underlying cause of an unreasonable boundary can help a person move forward. Common examples of causes may include negative childhood experiences, low self-esteem, past trauma, and fear of conflict or rejection. 

Childhood experiences and boundaries 

Childhood experiences, like growing up in a household where parents had poor boundaries such as overinvolvement or emotional neglect, can lead to difficulty setting or respecting limits in adulthood. Or, if love and approval were given only when meeting certain expectations, a person might struggle with saying “no” in adulthood. Studies suggest that a positive family climate and healthy boundaries during childhood may be linked to healthy relationships later in life.

Low self-esteem and boundaries

Individuals with low self-esteem may feel undeserving of respect, leading them to tolerate mistreatment or overextend themselves to gain approval. Low self-esteem and tolerance for mistreatment may interact in a positive feedback loop: A person with low self-esteem may allow mistreatment, which may lead to lower self-esteem. Breaking this cycle may involve setting healthy boundaries. 

Trauma and boundaries

Past trauma, especially in relationships, can distort a person’s understanding of healthy boundaries. They may either develop overly rigid walls to protect themselves or become too passive out of fear of conflict. Examples of this type of trauma may include emotional or physical abuse or toxic, codependent relationships. 

Fear of conflict or rejection and boundaries

Many people struggle with asserting boundaries because they fear confrontation or hurting others. Avoiding difficult conversations can lead to passive boundary-setting, where limits are unclear or inconsistent. Over time, these boundaries may be eroded or changed with a person’s consent, which can negatively impact self-esteem and overall mental health. 

Strategies for setting reasonable boundaries in relationships

Setting reasonable boundaries can be a challenging but important part of developing healthy relationships of all types. A well-balanced boundary respects the needs of both parties in a relationship. Identifying needs and limits may be the first step to setting reasonable boundaries. It may also be helpful to reflect on situations where a person feels uncomfortable or drained and consider overall well-being before setting a boundary. 

To set a reasonable boundary, it may also help to start with values, not fears. This means thinking about what a person values and what is important and using that to drive decision-making and boundary creation. For example, instead of avoiding relationships out of fear of getting hurt, a person might set a boundary that helps promote emotional safety while allowing connection.

Another strategy may be to start small and stay consistent. A person does not have to overhaul all of their boundaries at once. Starting with small, manageable limits and expanding as a person grows more comfortable may be beneficial. Once a boundary is set, consistency can help it stick. Although adjustments may be necessary, changing or wavering on boundaries too frequently may cause others to not take them seriously.

Communicating boundaries effectively in relationships

Communication can often be the key to setting and maintaining effective boundaries. In both personal and professional relationships, open and honest communication can allow for productive and healthy dialogue and may help ensure that a person knows where the boundaries are. This may happen at the beginning of a relationship and can be reinforced throughout as people get to know each other better. 

When a person crosses a boundary, it may be important to let them know in a kind yet firm way. Effective communication regarding boundaries can take practice and patience.

Finding it challenging to set and maintain healthy boundaries?

Connecting with a therapist may help

Connecting with a mental health professional for help with boundaries

Setting and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially for individuals in close relationships or with past trauma. Connecting with a mental health professional can be one way to improve the skill of boundary-setting and manage anxiety related to communicating boundaries. A therapist may help a person identify healthy and unhealthy boundaries, and they can also assist a person in building effective communication skills that may improve their relationships. 

However, it may be challenging for some people to find the time to attend in-person therapy at a brick-and-mortar office. Online therapy can be a more convenient alternative in many cases, since sessions can occur from anywhere the client has an internet connection and a personal device. This means you can attend therapy from a place where you are comfortable at times that fit your schedule. Plus, research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person sessions.