The Difference Between Love And “In Love” In A Romantic Relationship

Romance and romantic relationships play a big part in our society. But what is the difference between loving someone and being “in love?” There could be a big difference, in fact. Love can come in all shapes and sizes; knowing the difference between the types of love can help you understand and appreciate it more fully. The two phrases “love” vs “in love” can describe two different things.

The ancient Greeks explain the difference between love and in love

The ancient Greeks were some of the first philosophers to study and explore the various types of love. They defined love by putting it into eight categories:

1. Eros or Erotic Love: Named after the Greek god of fertility, this is love with passion and sexual attraction.
2. Philia or Affectionate Love: The type of love that is equal, as in love between friends.
3. Storge: A familiar type of love; the type of emotion that parents and children feel for each other, or the love that couples in long-term relationships have.
4. Ludus: Playful love that flirts, teases, and has fun but may lack a deeper sense of connection.
5. Mania or Obsessive Love: An unequal love where one person is obsessed with the other; it is characterized by an imbalance between Ludus and Eros love.
6. Pragma or Enduring Love: Pragma love means love that stands the test of time; this love moves beyond the physical to a soulful relationship that is harmonious, trusted, and resilient.
7. Philautia or Self-Love: Healthy self-love and self-acceptance;  simply loving oneself.
8. Agape or Selfless Love: Love that is unconditional and spiritual; the “highest” form of love.

Speaking with a mental health professional can help you learn more about the different types of love.

Scientific explanation of the difference between love and in love

In science, the feeling of being “in love” is associated with the sudden surge of neurochemicals in the body, such as dopamine and serotonin. This chemical reaction can make you feel excited and infatuated with a certain person, but this feeling could evolve into something long-term.

More than a feeling: Being in love is physiological

It might be easy enough to detect classic outward signs of people who are in love: 

• The dreamy gaze
• The sweet smile
• The gentle touch
• The inability to take their eyes off each other
• Their constant attention to the other 

But did you know that being in love can cause physiological responses as well? The following are factors that may contribute to the feeling of being in love.

Dopamine release in romantic love

Being in love is a strong emotion. It can cause the body to release dopamine, which is responsible for those feelings of euphoria, infatuation, and strong attraction commonly experienced during the honeymoon stage of a relationship. Adrenaline and norepinephrine levels in the body may also increase when someone is in love. These changes could explain why a person who is in love has a rapid heartbeat and can't keep their mind off someone that they are romantically involved with.

Attraction when falling in love

Romantic love may begin with an attraction that seems to be a combination of mental, emotional, and physical factors. Attraction can involve a complex combination of characteristics, chemistry, and attitudes, which tends to be quite unique. We might be drawn to certain characteristics in a potential significant other while being turned off by others. For instance, a sarcastic sense of humor may be mandatory for some, while kindness or financial prudence will be more important to others. A therapist can help you explore the attributes you value in a partner. 

Chemistry in a romantic relationship

Another factor is chemistry. We may be drawn to specific persons as a function of biology, at least to some extent. There are three neurochemicals that are involved in initial attraction and what we commonly refer to as "falling in love" or being "in love". Two others guide the later stages of longer-lasting relationships —you may want to know the difference between being in love vs love. The combination of the first three neurochemicals: phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine, produces the real "chemistry" of love. 

Increased oxytocin levels

Often known as the “love” hormone, the increase of oxytocin levels in the body can also cause you to feel happy and excited about someone. It makes you feel “in love.”

Endorphin release and the impact on mental health

Endorphins are neurotransmitters that the body produces naturally as a natural pain reliever. They can make you feel blissful or even euphoric. When applied to love, they may make you happy in your relationship. Certain activities can increase these good feelings, such as cracking jokes at each other and laughing about it, or doing things that you mutually like, which can also help strengthen your relationship.

Adrenaline rush and a physical feeling

An adrenaline rush can intensify feelings of love by heightening emotional and physical responses. When you experience adrenaline—often triggered by exciting or thrilling situations—it makes your heart beat fast and makes you feel exhilarated. Sexual activity can also increase adrenaline in the body.

Increased serotonin

Love can increase serotonin levels in your body. Serotonin is often called the “feel good” chemical, which makes you feel inspired and motivated in a relationship.

Despite that connectedness and chemistry sparking between the two of you in that early stage, which precipitated your love relationship, there may come a time when the spark seems to have died down. The reality is that it is virtually impossible to sustain the initial stages of "falling in love" forever. Therefore, if we want to remain in any love relationship, we may need to have reasonable, healthy, and appropriate expectations for how a long-term love relationship looks and feels. In other words, what creates an intimate relationship might not necessarily be what sustains it. 

Loving someone by wanting what is best for them

That doesn’t mean that keeping the spark alive is impossible. It just means that it might require awareness, understanding, and intentionality. After "surviving" the early stage of falling in love, we may enter a stage of romantic love that is less dramatic, but also somewhat less volatile. The hormones that surged in the earlier phase are also closer to normal. The result of these shifts in brain chemistry could be a feeling of serenity. You might be more likely to be in a good mood most of the time, and you are once again able to inhibit the more "negative" behaviors associated with falling in love, like checking your phone constantly for messages or being hypervigilant about your loved ones' whereabouts at all hours of the day and night. Those activities cannot be sustained forever.

Psychological and mental health benefits of romantic love

As you move into a long-term love relationship, the kind of unconditional love that lasts for years or even for a lifetime, there are also brain chemicals involved, which may help keep you emotionally attached and interested in each other. Studies have long indicated that being in a committed relationship has a long list of health and psychological benefits for both parties.

More lasting love is also perhaps as much of intention, choice, and commitment as it is a feeling. Some say that love is an action. There may be some truth to all those points. While we rarely choose with whom we fall in love, we can make choices to keep love alive in our relationships. We can also choose to dwell more on those characteristics of the other we admire, find attractive, and respect. We can intentionally treat the other in ways that give evidence of our love, care, respect, and admiration. 

Applying the love principle to seasoned love in a romantic relationship

Imagine an elderly couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Early in their relationship, they were in love. After the initial exhilaration of the relationship wore off, they probably discovered the underlying qualities in each other that truly made them love one another. They worked on their relationship, and they began to care deeply about what made the other person happy. They most likely understand that being in love, while wonderful, is not meant to last forever. This understanding that fading infatuation isn’t a bad thingallowed them to value the other stages of their love as being equally important for their life together.

The fact that they are still holding hands many years later likely means that during special moments, a spark reignites, and they do experience the resurgence of being in love once again.

When to seek relationship support

There could be various reasons for seeking relationship support, whether you’re in the honeymoon stage or other phases of romantic love. Some common goals of couples therapy include: 

• To communicate more effectively
• To reduce conflict or tension in the relationship
• To prepare for marriage
• To navigate a transition such as mid-life or “empty nest”
• To increase intimacy

Talking with a licensed therapist or relationship expert

When you meet with a licensed marriage and family therapist, they’ll spend time getting to know the dynamics of your relationship and helping you set goals for the counseling process. Seeing a couple's counselor or relationship expert is a bit different than seeking advice. Your therapist may equip you with tools to navigate your relationship, but you’ll still make your own decisions. 

How the right therapist can help 

It could be important to look for not just a licensed therapist, but the right therapist for you and your partner. For instance, if you’re interested in trying a particular style of relationship counseling like The Gottman Method or emotionally focused therapy, you’ll want to look for a relationship expert who is experienced with these techniques. Other preferences might involve the therapist’s personality or cultural background. It’s ok to try a few therapists before settling on one to move forward with. 

Therapy for all couples–even those in love

Contrary to popular belief, all types of couples can benefit from therapy, even those who are experiencing happiness in their relationship. Even the happiest couple in the world needs support at one point or another. Still, there is a stigma attached to couples counseling that can be detrimental to those involved. Many times, the perception is that if a couple is in therapy, then their relationship must be in trouble. This can be a barrier for couples who want to spend time in counseling to improve their relationship. In these cases, online therapy may be a good option. Plus, this type of counseling can be conveniently done from your home.

When considering internet-based couples counseling, you may have doubts regarding its effectiveness. Rest assured, though, that research into this type of mental health treatment indicates that it is associated with a comparable quality standard compared to in-person therapy. In fact, couples have reported that they often forget they are speaking to their therapist via videoconferencing as opposed to in a more traditional office setting.