How to Deal With a Controlling Partner, Keep Safe from Abuse, and Protect Your Mental Health
Every relationship dynamic can differ, and romantic relationships can face various challenges. However, recognizing when a dynamic is unhealthy can be crucial for your health, safety, and well-being.
If you’re concerned that your partner may be controlling, it may be a sign to look into your relationship further. A relationship with a controlling partner may negatively impact your mental and physical health, so it can be crucial to notice the potential warning signs of this dynamic when they occur. Becoming familiar with what makes a behavior controlling can be a starting point.
Signs of controlling behavior in a relationship
When someone is familiar with the red flags of controlling behavior, they may be able to recognize if these behaviors are present in their relationship or the relationship of a loved one. This behavior can happen in many different types of relationships and be exhibited by people from various backgrounds.
While controlling behavior is often discussed in romantic relationships, it can also appear in relationships with parents, siblings, friends, or coworkers. Controlling traits can be displayed by anyone, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, and life background.
Controlling behavior can take many forms, but it’s often characterized by a desire to gain power over people or situations. It may reflect a person’s desire to be entirely in charge to an unhealthy extent. Some examples of controlling behavior in a romantic relationship may include:
- Criticizing their partner’s choices with the intent of getting them to change
- Isolating their partner from friends and family and any other outside opinions or perspectives
- Demanding to know specific details about where their partner is or what they’re doing at all times, which may also be associated with jealousy
- Imposing conditions on love and affection
- Telling their partner they are not “enough” or must change core aspects of their personality to “fit the relationship” or their expectations
- Using guilt to try to make their partner behave differently
- Attempting to stop a partner from partaking in their hobbies
Several behaviors can be controlling, and the above list may not be exhaustive. In addition, this type of behavior may not become noticeable until a relationship has progressed. It can also range from subtle and well-disguised to overt, aggressive, and threatening.
In some cases, controlling behavior may be a sign of emotional or mental abuse. When identifying if your partner is acting controlling, ask yourself if their behavior regularly causes you to become insecure or believe you are not loved. If they are convincing or forcing you to make choices you’re unhappy with, it may be a sign of this type of dynamic.
If you’re unsure, trusted friends and family members who have witnessed your dynamic may be able to help you identify red flags. A qualified therapist may also assist you with the identification process.
What causes controlling behavior?
Learning more about where a controlling partner’s behavior may come from may also help you identify if you’re in a relationship with someone acting this way.
One potential cause of controlling behavior is narcissistic tendencies. Although narcissistic behavior may sometimes be associated with mental health conditions like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), people can have narcissistic tendencies without having a personality disorder.
One study also found that people with controlling traits may score lower on a "self-affection” scale, showcasing a profound dissatisfaction with oneself). For that reason, people who exhibit controlling behavior may struggle with their levels of self-esteem, which may be a cause of their attempts to control others.
When behaviors do not include intentional emotional abuse or domestic violence
Controlling behavior can be serious. However, lower levels of controlling behavior may have a more easily identifiable cause that may be treatable or worked on through healthy communication. For example, perhaps a person’s partner doesn’t like their work friends and tries to get them to spend less time together.
In this case, they may believe they are being left out or want more connection in the relationship, which might be solved by more quality time together and healthy conversations about the root of the challenge.
While understanding the causes of controlling behavior doesn’t necessarily make the behavior right or healthy, having a discussion may be helpful. You can also consider attending couples therapy with your partner if the situation is not abusive, as a therapist can guide you in healthily navigating the conversation with each other.
Controlling behavior vs. personality disorders
"Controlling personality disorder" is not a recognized condition, and people without personality disorders can have controlling traits. Associating any mental illness with a negative trait that isn’t necessarily a symptom can lead to stigma, so it can be crucial to identify behavior as it is and consider reaching out for professional guidance if you’re confused.
In some cases, manipulative behavior may be associated with certain personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder.
If you believe you or a loved one is living with a personality disorder, consult a therapist to explore your treatment options. You’re not alone, and help is available.
How controlling relationship dynamics may develop
If you have a controlling partner, it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong or are at fault for their choices. There are many ways this dynamic may appear or develop. Identifying these signs may help you notice when you or someone you love may be experiencing this type of relationship dynamic.
Ego
It may indicate an unhealthy dynamic if your partner acts like they know more than you, is more experienced, or is otherwise more equipped to make decisions. People have strengths in different areas. However, there can be a difference between asking someone to show their expertise or opinion and letting them make decisions for you. Controlling dynamics often fall under the latter category.
Love bombing
Love-bombing may make it challenging to recognize controlling behaviors. Romance can be a normal and exciting part of the early stages of a relationship. However, when taken too far, it could be a red flag. “Love-bombing” occurs when someone lavishes another with affection to manipulate them.
The findings of a 2017 study suggest that love-bombing is a strategy that individuals with high narcissistic traits and low displays of self-esteem might employ. However, since receiving romantic attention and affection is often enjoyable, some may hesitate to see when it has crossed the line into manipulation or control.
An escalating dynamic of controlling behaviors
A controlling dynamic can develop gradually over time, which may make it more challenging to spot. A partner exhibiting controlling behavior may seem the opposite at first. They may try to gain the other’s trust or struggle more over time to manage their thoughts or feelings.
What to do and how to deal if your partner exhibits controlling behaviors, emotional abuse, or domestic violence
Humans are complex, as are interpersonal dynamics. It may not be realistic to require perfect equality in every aspect of a relationship, especially since people have different desires and different areas of strength. However, research shows that relationships with a balanced dynamic may be happier.
One study found that “partners in the happiest pairs both believe they have a measure of power.” If one partner is controlling, it may cause problems in the relationship. In some cases, controlling tendencies can lead to aggression or violence. In this case, prioritizing your safety and leaving the situation can be crucial. You can contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at the beginning of this article to avail of support over the phone or via chat within the US.
Every situation can be different. However, if you’ve noticed some controlling tendencies in your partner’s behavior, it can be crucial to take action. Below are a few ideas for coping with this behavior.
Express how their controlling behavior makes you feel
Communication may be a helpful first step when facing a challenge in your relationship. It’s possible that your partner doesn’t realize that they’re acting in a controlling manner or that it’s negatively impacting you. Speaking to them about how their behavior makes you feel may help them recognize the discomfort or harm they’re causing and make adjustments.
When bringing up this subject, try to use “I statements” (“I felt…”), use specific examples, and try to keep the overall tone of the conversation calm. Begin intending to work on the problem together instead of accusing or blaming.
Set healthier boundaries to protect your mental health
Boundaries are limits you can set to keep yourself safe. Setting boundaries may be helpful if you find yourself in a relationship with someone exhibiting controlling behaviors because you can help them understand your discomfort. For example, if you want to enjoy one-on-one time with a friend, you can ask your partner not to call you while you’re at lunch. If you don’t like when your partner criticizes the choices you make at work, you can ask them to refrain from commenting or making suggestions.
It can be normal to make mistakes, but setting boundaries can help you distinguish between your partner making a mistake or deliberately disrespecting the boundaries you’ve set. If they continually ignore your clearly stated limits, consider whether the partnership has the potential to be healthy. If they’re generally able to honor your boundaries, it may be a sign that they’re capable of keeping their tendencies toward controlling behavior in check.
Consider speaking with a therapist
A therapist may be able to help those who find themselves in a controlling relationship or those who frequently seem to end up in this type of dynamic. Having a partner, friend, or family who exhibits this behavior is not your fault. However, a trained counselor can help you learn to manage or potentially avoid these situations in the future.
Your therapist can start by helping you identify the causes of your partner’s controlling behaviors. Therapy may help you or your partner build your self-esteem, as evidenced by a 2017 study that found a correlation between cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and improved self-esteem.
Alternative treatments for mental health care
In some cases, living with a controlling partner may make it challenging to avail of in-person therapy. In these cases, you may benefit from talking to a therapist online through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples.
Online platforms allow individuals to choose a session time that works for their schedule and between phone, video, or live chat sessions with their therapist. When you sign up, you can get matched with a therapist who has experience treating the challenges you’ve experienced.
Research suggests that online therapy may be as effective as in-person therapy in supporting individuals through various life challenges. In addition, studies have found it to be more cost-effective for individuals and groups.
Takeaway
If your partner exhibits controlling behavior, it may be a cause for concern. There are a few ways to move forward when noticing this behavior, including open conversation, asking for support, setting boundaries, or talking to a therapist. For further guidance in your relationship, consider contacting a therapist online or in your area to get started.
Does a controlling man really love you?
It is not healthy for a man to be controlling in a relationship, and those types of behaviors aren’t indicative of love. While it can seem like love sometimes, controlling partners aren’t usually interested in loving someone in the way most people think of as healthy. They may use gestures of love such as intimacy and affection to “reward” you when you comply with their wishes, but they’ll just as easily withhold them as a form of “punishment.”
Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and balance, not on the desire to control. It might be challenging to say for sure whether your controlling partner does love you— but people who are controlling in relationships don’t typically behave from a place of love. They’re usually motivated by insecurity or a lack of respect for your autonomy and individuality.
How do you outsmart a controlling person?
Dealing with a controlling person can be challenging and frustrating, but there are some strategies you can use to navigate the situation:
Stay calm and avoid engaging with the behaviors
Controlling individuals may try to provoke a reaction from you to maintain control. They might start an argument or overreact to something they take as criticism or resistance. In such cases, stay composed and non-reactive. Don’t engage in an argument; instead, set boundaries by saying something like, “I know ___ is important to you, and I think we need to talk about it, but I’d rather do so without arguing. Can we talk about it after we’ve both calmed down?”
Set clear boundaries
Take a little time to consider what behaviors you will and will not tolerate from your partner, and then clearly communicate how you feel. Stand firm in your decisions. If they attempt to cross your boundaries, assert yourself.
Practice assertiveness
Remember that you have autonomy over your actions, and no one has the right to dictate what you do, where you go, and who you see. When your partner tries to control your behavior, stay calm and respectful, but express your expectations and feelings clearly and assertively.
Seek support
Reach out to friends and loved ones for perspective and guidance on handling the situation. Having a support system of people in your corner can help you feel more empowered and confident.
Practice self-care
It can be easy to neglect your own personal care if you live with or spend a lot of time with a controlling person. Be sure to take time out and do things you’re good at and you enjoy. Eat well, get plenty of rest, and exercise regularly.
Consider seeking professional help
If your partner’s controlling behavior is affecting your mental health, a therapist can help you develop coping strategies and address any underlying issues you may have.
What is controlling in a relationship?
Controlling behaviors in a relationship may vary depending on individual traits and circumstances, but there are some core behaviors that controlling people often exhibit. Warning signs of a controlling partner might include:
They monitor or restrict your communication
A controlling partner might monitor your calls, texts, emails, or social media accounts. They may try to isolate you from your friends, family, and loved ones and become upset if you attempt to have a life outside of them or make plans that don’t include them.
They dictate your actions
Controlling partners might try to tell you what to wear, where to go, and who to spend time with.
They are manipulative
“Guilt-tripping” or gaslighting are common tactics controlling people use to get their way. They might blame you for their unhappiness or when things go wrong or try to make you feel bad about spending time with others. They may twist the truth to make you question your judgment or sense of reality.
They are jealous and possessive
Controlling partners are often highly insecure, becoming overly jealous and possessive of their partner’s time and attention. Your partner may accuse you of cheating or flirting with others without any reason or evidence, not just because they sense a need to control you but also because they need constant reassurance and validation.
They try to undermine your self-esteem
A controlling partner may criticize or belittle you to try to make you feel insecure—often in front of other people. If you speak up against the behavior, they might say you’re being too sensitive or you can’t “take a joke.”
They make significant decisions without your input
Controlling partners may make decisions that affect you (or both of you) without consulting or considering your feelings and opinions.
Do controlling men get jealous?
Just because someone has jealous tendencies doesn’t automatically mean they are controlling, but it is often a trademark behavior of controlling people. If your partner is constantly accusing you of flirting or cheating, know that this could be one of the signs of a controlling man.
Is he clingy or controlling? How do you tell the difference?
It can be challenging to distinguish between clingy and controlling behavior because they often overlap. Still, there are some key differences that might help you discern whether your partner is controlling or clingy.
For example, clingy behavior is often driven by a need for reassurance. A clingy person might constantly seek attention, validation, and affection due to a fear of abandonment rather than a desire to control you. Clingy behavior is typically more emotional and focused on seeking connection while controlling behavior is more about seeking power and influence.
What makes most men jealous?
A man may become jealous when you pay attention to someone else, or he feels threatened by your relationships with others. Sometimes, a man might feel jealous if you’re successful in your career or are more socially active than him. Many things can make a man jealous, but it typically stems from insecurity in the relationship (although you don’t have to be in a relationship together for him to be jealous), fear, and low self-esteem.
What are signs of an unhealthy relationship?
Several signs might indicate your relationship is unhealthy or is becoming unhealthy. These may include:
- A lack of trust: A lack of trust between partners can lead to jealousy and suspicion and may contribute to clingy or controlling behaviors.
- Lack of communication: If there’s a lack of open, honest communication or one partner refuses to listen or consider the other’s feelings, it can lay the foundation for an unhealthy relationship.
- Disrespect: Insults, name-calling, or demeaning comments aren’t acceptable in a healthy relationship.
- Constant conflict: Disagreements are typical in most relationships, but if there’s regular strife and your partner seems to be unhappy with you all the time, it might be an early warning sign of deeper issues.
- Controlling behavior: It is a distinct sign of an unhealthy relationship when one partner monitors the other’s activities, dictates their decisions, or isolates them from friends and family.
- Physical or emotional abuse: Any type of abuse is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship. Abusive behaviors may include but aren’t limited to, manipulation, belittling, threats, or any type of violence.
- Lack of support: Supporting each other’s goals, dreams, and emotional needs is essential for a healthy relationship. If your partner doesn’t share in celebrating your successes or isn’t there for you during difficult times, the relationship might be unhealthy.
- Feelings of fear or insecurity: If you feel (delete – ‘If your partner makes you feel’) anxious, insecure, or fearful in the relationship, it might be a sign that it is unhealthy.
How do you know if a guy is obsessed with you?
It can be difficult to discern the difference between obsession and the early signs of love—but there are early warning signs that might signal whether a guy is obsessed rather than simply excited about your burgeoning relationship:
- He’s excessively jealous over superficial interactions or other small things without reason
- He tries to control who you spend time with or constantly questions your interactions with others
- He is constantly calling, texting, or messaging you and becomes upset or anxious when you don’t respond immediately
- He monitors your whereabouts and social media accounts
- He appears randomly in places where you are
- He shows up uninvited at your home or workplace, sends unwanted gifts or messages, or engages in stalking behaviors
- He ignores your boundaries or personal space
- He doesn’t respect your wishes or decisions
- He tries to merge his life with yours in unwanted or unhealthy ways
What bothers a control freak?
Overall, people with a strong need to control situations, people, or outcomes are often driven by fear and insecurity. However, everyone is different, and what might bother one “control freak” may not affect another.
For example, some individuals assert controlling behaviors because they are uncomfortable with change. Others may struggle with perfectionism and become frustrated or disappointed when things don’t meet their (often unrealistic) standards of perfection.
Some control freaks may have difficulty relying on others or delegating tasks because it requires them to relinquish control and trust others. Control freaks might be sensitive to criticism or feedback and become defensive or dismissive when questioned. Additionally, control freaks often struggle with unpredictability and uncertainty, feeling anxious or overwhelmed when things don’t go according to plan.
How do you test if he respects you?
The easiest way to tell if someone respects you may be to ask, but if you aren’t sure or don’t feel comfortable asking, there are some typical behaviors you may look for:
- He asks for your thoughts and opinions, shows interest in what you have to say, and values your perspective
- He’s interested in and supportive of your goals, dreams, and aspirations
- He respects your personal space and autonomy
- He isn’t jealous or possessive
- He treats you as an equal partner in your relationship
- He trusts your judgment and doesn’t try to commandeer your responsibilities
- He treats you with kindness, consideration, and empathy
- He doesn’t try to belittle or change your core values and is happy to agree to disagree if you don’t see eye-to-eye
- He wants to spend quality time together doing things you both enjoy
- He’s honest with you and doesn’t feel the need to hide things from you
- He’s honest about what he wants from your relationship
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