Emotionally Unavailable Men: Signs and Impacts on Mental Health
One of the most important aspects of a dependable partner can be their emotional availability. Those who are not emotionally available may not understand how you are feeling, and as a result, they may be unwilling or unable to support you emotionally. Emotional unavailability refers to signs like:
- mixed signals
- avoidance of long-term plans
- arrogance
- lack of emotional support
If you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, it can be vital to evaluate the relationship and determine whether you’d like it to continue. It may be time to end the relationship or, if you’re interested in trying to improve things, you might decide to work with a licensed psychotherapist in person or online.
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What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
Emotional availability is a set of emotional skills that include emotional intelligence and the ability to repair conflict. For different reasons, some people lack these skills. Many emotionally unavailable individuals experience low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity. Due to these difficulties, they may not be able to sustain the type of emotional bond that healthy relationships usually require. Emotional unavailability can be displayed in a variety of characteristics and behaviors that can be harmful not only to themselves, but to partners and other loved ones.
Why emotional unavailability happens
A person may be emotionally unavailable due to a number of reasons, including:
- Societal and cultural factors
- Experiences in childhood
- Childhood trauma
- Past relationship experiences that hurt them
Emotional pain can shape behavior over time, facilitating an avoidance of vulnerability and self-denial behaviors that become ingrained. When this happens, it can feel difficult or impossible to open up emotionally to the people around them.
Nine red flags of an emotionally unavailable guy
The behavior patterns of an emotionally unavailable person can lead to pain, as one partner tries to establish consistent communication only to end up feeling dismissed. Here are some of the signs that emotional unavailability may lead to relationship problems over time.
1. They give you mixed signals
Emotionally unavailable people may give their partners mixed signals, which can quickly feel overwhelming. They might act very invested in the relationship one week and make you feel shut out the next week. It’s possible that your partner may be giving you mixed signals because they are unsure about whether they want to be in the relationship. There may also be a possibility that they are seeing someone else.
Often, those engaging in infidelity act emotionally detached because they’re aware that the relationship may not last in the long term. However, if they have recently gotten out of a long and perhaps meaningful relationship, they may not want to settle down yet. They could still be grappling with emotional baggage from their past relationship history. As a result, they may not want to jump into another serious relationship.
If you are hoping for a long-term relationship, these mixed signals may become a significant challenge, which could harm your emotional health and well-being. If this person were to communicate their goals—should they have any—regarding your relationship, you could likely make an informed decision based on this information. However, emotionally unavailable individuals often fail to make firm decisions when it comes to their relationships. In some cases, your partner may mislead you as to their intentions. As a result, it may be up to you to develop a deep emotional awareness and make up your mind regarding where you believe the relationship may go.
2. They don’t offer emotional support
One of the most common types of emotional unavailability in people is that they frequently fail to support you or make you feel heard when you’re going through a difficult situation. If you’re dating an emotionally unavailable man, an important part of deciding how to proceed may involve separating what they say from what they do.
3. They always have excuses not to spend time with you
Some people refer to this as “ghosting,” but no matter what you call it, you may have noticed that your partner seems to be creating space between the two of you by taking more time to reply or failing to spend time with you. The act of ghosting can be one of the most common characteristics of emotionally unavailable people. Being ignored or stonewalled can cause significant harm to your mental health, with some people saying they feel worthless or abandoned when their partner shuts them out.
Emotionally unavailable individuals can also be quick to find excuses to explain why they are late to visit you, do not show up to dates, or have not spoken to you in a while. They may say that they are busy. But if they are constantly “busy” doing things and hanging out with people aside from you, this could be a red flag.
4. They avoid making any commitment and long-term plans with you
Emotionally unavailable partners tend to avoid making long-term plans or displaying affection in public. Some of this can be a matter of timing, but if you have been with a person for several years and they are still hesitant to refer to you as their partner or even broach the subject of commitment with you, then you may need to reevaluate your relationship.
5. They are arrogant, distant, and avoidant of big emotions
The next time you are out in public, pay attention to how your partner treats other people. One of the telltale signs of an emotionally unavailable person may be pent-up anger or an oversized ego, which may make them quick to disrespect service workers or anyone they believe they hold power over.
An emotionally unavailable person often displays arrogance stemming from a lack of self-esteem. In order to feel the power and control they believe they are lacking, they may feel the need to show others that they are “better” than they are. Arrogant people with self-esteem difficulties may also display narcissistic traits and frequently seek external validation.
6. It’s always their way or the highway: They are unresponsive to your needs
Emotionally unavailable people tend to despise compromise. They may believe that all their personal relationships should revolve around them and cater to their individual needs. This often leads them to be controlling in relationships so that things either go their way or no way at all.
7. You only see each other on their terms
An emotionally unavailable partner may only want to see you when it is convenient for them. They may want you to spend time together when it is convenient for them, but make excuses whenever you attempt to make plans. Many people who are emotionally unattached can be takers, not givers. When they need help, they may know you will be there. But whenever you seek emotional support, it may seem as if you’re on your own.
8. They disguise themselves as the perfect partner
If a partner seems too good to be true, they sometimes are. People who flirt through over-the-top flattery are often focused on finding short-term physical intimacy rather than committed, long-term relationships.
To reel people in, an emotionally unattached person might put on a façade of being vulnerable and open. But should you ask them questions about their past or future goals, they might change the subject altogether. Some emotionally unavailable people can be genuinely afraid of vulnerability and avoid it at all costs.
9. They are only interested in sex
A person who is emotionally unavailable might express a desire to become sexually intimate with you shortly after you meet. Some emotionally unavailable individuals are only interested in the pursuit. Once they have achieved their sexual goal, and your relationship with them starts to grow, they may wish to move on to someone new.
Sometimes, a person struggling with emotional availability may express a primary interest in sex because they believe they have nothing else to offer in a relationship, or they may be afraid of getting close to someone.
Why this pattern feels so common for women dating men
Many women may feel that so many men seem to behave in this way, but it may be due to social conditioning. Most men in patriarchal societies may be raised to value a “rugged individualist” attitude, in which they aren’t encouraged to share their feelings with other men or even women. Women of older generations may also have been socialized to value a “strong, silent” type of man, perpetuating this cycle.
While it may be less prevalent today, these attitudes still exist. Most women tend not to value this kind of behavior, though many women may try to overexplain or accommodate an uncommunicative man. Doing this can not only cause these behaviors to continue but can also negatively impact their own mental health.
How emotional unavailability affects relationships long term
When one partner is emotionally unavailable, some common relationship problems can develop over time, including:
- Relationship remains surface-level
- One partner ignores their own needs to accommodate the other
- Inconsistency and abandonment when any challenge arises
- A lack of consistent communication: one always reaching out, the other pulling away
Empowered men can learn emotional skills and develop emotional intelligence; they would first need to recognize the issue and be motivated to make changes.
Does your partner seem emotionally unavailable?
Moving forward, if you continue feeling emotionally dismissed, you can decide whether it is worth trying to save the relationship or whether you are ready to break it off. A breakup may cause pain, but if there seems to be little hope of change, then it may be beneficial for your mental health. Here are some things to consider if your partner is emotionally unavailable.
Step 1: Honesty
If you’ve decided to end the relationship, the first step typically requires you to be honest with yourself. You must generally acknowledge that you are dating an emotionally unavailable person. In your heart of hearts, you may have suspected as much. Consider taking a moment to remind yourself that you deserve a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Step 2: Reflection
The second step typically involves taking inventory of all the times your partner let you down or displayed emotional unavailability in a way that hurt you. You may find yourself feeling angry or sad as you go through this list. It can be okay to be angry with someone who has taken you for granted or actively misled you. It can also be disappointing to acknowledge that, although you felt you held a connection with this person, the connection may not have been mutual.
Step 3: Separation
Finally, consider cutting off contact. This may mean no calls, texts, emails, or “dropping by.” You might wait to see how long it takes for them to reach out to you and discover that you were the one keeping the relationship going.
If they do reach out to you, you may want to stay strong and avoid contact. If the two of you are really done, then you deserve a chance at happiness. It may help to refer to the list that you made earlier to remind yourself why you ended the relationship.
Seeking help for a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man
If you’re interested in salvaging the relationship, a couples therapist may be able to help you strengthen your communication skills. This type of therapist is usually trained in listening to and understanding couples and can help partners better communicate. Mental health professionals can also:
- Identify and address patterns of problematic behavior
- Help couples improve emotional intimacy
- Treat underlying trauma or mental health conditions that may be contributing to challenges
Even if you are uninterested in saving the relationship, individual therapy may help you to better understand relationship dynamics, learn about your own behavior patterns, and practice communication skills that can be helpful moving forward.
Benefits of online therapy for relationships with emotionally unavailable men
Some people in romantic relationships are leery about going to therapy. They may not want to reveal delicate information about their relationship with a stranger. Online therapy can help individuals feel more at ease talking about these intimate matters. Perhaps that’s because you can seek this form of remote therapy from the comfort of your home. Talking with someone online versus in a more clinical, office-based environment can feel less intimidating.
Effectiveness of online therapy for a relationship
A study investigating online couples therapy found that the majority of participants found the experience to be beneficial and positive. For many, it was easier to form a strong therapeutic alliance with their therapists due to the perceived distance involved in online therapy.
Takeaway
Characteristics of emotional unavailability can include avoidance of long-term plans, arrogance, initial excessive flattery, and constant excuses not to spend time with you. Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable can be difficult, and you may wish to spend time considering whether you’d like to work through these difficulties or end the relationship entirely. If you and your partner are both willing to make an effort, then couples therapy with a professional from BetterHelp may prove to be helpful.
What should I expect from an emotionally unavailable man?
Most people can expect a lack of emotional intimacy and connection in their interactions, as well as a sense of emotional distance and mixed signals. Emotional unavailability refers to a difficulty in opening up and discussing emotions, which hampers the development of a real relationship, even if both people are attracted to each other.
What are emotionally unavailable men afraid of?
Emotionally unavailable men often fear emotional connection and the vulnerability it involves. This fear can stem from past traumas, insecurities, or even a lack of skills in handling emotions. Some individuals may be reluctant to enter a new relationship for various reasons. For example, a recently divorced man with kids may be concerned about the repercussions of being seen with someone new.
Is it worth staying with an emotionally unavailable man?
Staying with someone emotionally unavailable can be a warning sign for long-term satisfaction, especially if your emotional needs are unmet. Whether it’s worth it depends on your needs and whether your partner is willing to work on their issues and respond in a certain way that respects your concerns.
What creates an emotionally unavailable man?
A man might be emotionally unavailable for several reasons: childhood trauma, experiencing traumatic events, past relationship experiences, low self-worth, or an innate struggle to maintain emotional bonds in life. Sometimes, social expectations about masculinity may also contribute to emotional availability.
How do you deal with an emotionally unavailable person?
If you find yourself in a physical relationship without emotional bonds, it’s crucial to communicate openly about your needs to feel connected. A marriage therapist or counselor can provide a safe space to help both parties understand their emotional limitations. If you don’t have a therapist, you might even discuss your concerns with someone who knows you on a deeper level, like a family member or your best friend.
What are the red flags of emotionally unavailable men?
When a man is emotionally unavailable, there are some things that may clue you in:
- They blow hot and cold, generous with their attention at first, but then withholding
- They act uninterested in pursuing deeper relationships
- They seem uninterested in seeing your side of things
- You feel dismissed when you try to talk to them about your feelings
- They trivialize serious matters
Will an emotionally unavailable man change for the right woman?
While some emotionally unavailable men may be capable of change, you can’t always count on it. To change, the individual must come to realize the problem and want to take action toward change. Even when motivated to do so, this shift can take a great deal of time and energy.
What are emotionally unavailable texting habits?
Someone who is emotionally unavailable will probably not be consistent in their texting habits. They often text only when they want or need something, and may not respond when you ask them to.
What are the three types of emotionally unavailable partners?
Emotionally unavailable partners can be characterized into three archetypes:
- The Jester. A seemingly optimistic and humorous type who trivializes big feelings
- The Fixer. A partner that always swoops in trying to “fix” all of your problems
- The Counselor. They seem warm and kind, but hold themselves aloof from their partner
How to tell if an emotionally unavailable man loves you?
An emotionally unavailable man may be incapable of saying that they love you in words, but can show you in other ways. They may remember little things, make time for you, and be willing to work on communicating more effectively with you.
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