I Am Happy Now, So Why Do I Miss My Ex?
It can be normal to think about your ex, even if you’re happy with the way your life is currently. However, continuing to miss your ex can be difficult, and you may wish to let go of your feelings and move forward. You might start by writing lists of your ex’s positive and negative characteristics to give yourself a more accurate perspective. It can also be helpful to exercise self-compassion, practice mindfulness, spend time with loved ones, and seek professional help through in-person or online therapy.
Missing your ex can be normal
Why do I still think about my ex?
Loving someone generally means that you have deep-seated feelings for them. When feelings toward your ex linger, often it is the feeling of being loved and the feeling of loving someone else that can trigger these thoughts, rather than your ex themself. It can become even more complicated when you begin to analyze your feelings. You may be in love with your internal perception of your ex, instead of the person they may be in reality. You may have feelings of love for the good things you remember about them. Murky feelings can arise when you have trouble differentiating between your perception of your ex and reality.
How abuse can affect the ability to let go
An abusive relationship* can wreak havoc on an individual's emotional and psychological state. Even if an individual breaks up with their abusive ex, they may be likely to struggle with feelings of missing them.
In fact, 85% of the women who successfully leave an abusive relationship usually return. According to Forbes, the primary reason for this has to do with finances. In most domestic abuse cases, there can also be financial abuse. The abuser may withhold money and control the household finances. Some abusers may want their partners to account for every penny spent. Facing financial insecurity is often one of the primary reasons that people in abusive relationships do not report the abuse.
Those who have gotten out of their abusive relationships and are in shelters or living with friends or relatives can be prone to returning to their abuser. Some studies show that those who have left their abuser can experience more psychological issues than when they were in the abusive situation.
Abusive relationships and stigma
Finances and fear may not be the only reasons survivors return to unhealthy relationships. Some may return or stay because they genuinely love their partner, and they may live with the hope that the abuse will stop. Many abusers promise they will stop, and some may well intend to end the abuse.
There can be a stigma associated with discussing experiences of abuse with friends, relatives, or even doctors. Most doctors who suspect their patients are recipients of abuse hear a lot of excuses for bruises, abrasions, and broken limbs. One doctor advises that general questions regarding abuse should be included in history intake questionnaires, especially for those who are admitted for inpatient or outpatient psychiatric care. According to this doctor, a large percentage of patients admitted for depression-related disorders did not report to their medical providers they were abused, but they often did so in group sessions and regular conversations with other patients.
The stigma associated with admitting to the abuse can be great. However, the stigma of returning to an abuser is often even greater. Friends and family who aided in the "getaway,” provided shelter, and gave emotional and financial support often feel sad, angry, frightened, and even betrayed. It can be difficult for some to understand why someone would return to their abuser. Even when the person who left can fully and rationally articulate their reasoning, it is often still incomprehensible to the listener.
Without help, an abuser does not typically stop their unhealthy and harmful behaviors. Still, there are often resources, support groups, and therapy available to help. In general, a person should never remain in an abusive relationship in the hopes that the abuser will get better, nor should they stay upon the promise of the abuser attending therapy.
Ways to move on from your ex
If you find that you keep thinking about your ex even though you are happy, it may be time to try some different techniques for moving on. Here are some ways to help you release lingering feelings and move on with your life—without thoughts of your ex.
Write out what you liked and disliked about your ex
For this exercise, you might take some time to write a list of qualities and characteristics you liked about your ex, as well as what bothered or annoyed you about your ex. Making this list can help you clarify the internal image of your ex that you find yourself still pining for.
Lean on your support group
Having a group of people you can depend on when times get difficult can help you get through this period of transition. Seeking out those who make you feel good can help you move on more quickly than spending time with people who will simply commiserate with you.
Be kind to yourself
Having a bit of self-compassion can have a massive impact on your ability to heal after a breakup. Rather than entertaining the negative, it can be helpful to focus on giving yourself grace and acknowledge that it may be time to finally move on.
Practice mindfulness
There may be several different techniques you can use when practicing mindfulness to help you stay focused on the present moment rather than dwelling on the past. This practice can help you reduce stress, cope with your emotions, and focus on the healing process.
Seek professional help
If you find that you are still having trouble getting over your ex despite being happy, it may be time to get some help from a licensed therapist. A mental health professional can help you work through your emotions and identify areas where you need to focus energy to heal, so you can fully move on and enjoy your new life.
Studies show that online therapy can be an effective way of coping with complicated feelings associated with a previous relationship. According to a study published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research, web-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be an effective method of working through symptoms of mental health issues that can arise out of various situations, including breakups. Internet-based platforms for providing CBT often combine therapy sessions with therapist-guided exercises, lessons, and other resources. The aim of CBT is typically to reframe unhealthy thoughts that can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders. In this way, online therapy can help those experiencing sadness, loneliness, or other emotions related to an ex move forward in a healthy manner.
There can be a stigma attached to getting help from a therapist and general nervousness about being seen in a waiting room or going into a therapist's office. With online therapy, you can receive professional help from the comfort and convenience of your own home, or wherever you have an internet connection.
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Takeaway
Why do I miss my ex so much?
Getting over an ex-partner can sometimes be challenging. Depending on the circumstances of your past relationship, you may need to process a considerable amount of information as you move on. You might be grieving a future, thoughts of marriage, or other possibilities that never came to be.
You might also be struggling with loneliness, perhaps spending much of your time ruminating about how the relationship could have been fixed. Regardless of your specific circumstances, nearly everybody finds breakups hard. It is important to focus on yourself and ensure you meet your basic self-care needs, like getting adequate sleep, eating healthy food, and exercising. In time, your feelings for your ex will likely fade.
Why do I miss my ex when I'm in a relationship?
If you miss your ex after entering another relationship, you should consider whether you were ready to start another relationship when you began dating your current partner. Your new partner might be great, but lingering feelings may indicate that you are still getting over your ex. Despite common wisdom suggesting a waiting period between romantic relationships, evidence suggests that rebounds- romantic relationships that begin relatively quickly after a breakup - aren’t especially harmful. However, people who commit to rebound relationships usually report fewer feelings for their former partner than those who remain single for a longer period.
Why do I still love my ex so much?
It’s okay to still love your ex, and many people carry feelings for a former partner long after the relationship ends. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. You might still be processing fond memories, grieving the loss of a future together, or only remembering your ex’s good qualities. It’s normal to take a while to get over an ex before considering future relationships.
The grieving process is different for everybody, and the emotional pain of a breakup can take a while to fade. While the grief may sometimes feel overwhelming, evidence suggests that if you focus on yourself and keep growing, you’ll be ready for a new relationship after processing your last one. If you’ve waited as long as you think you can wait, you should consider reaching out to a therapist or other mental health professional for guidance.
How do you stop missing someone?
Getting over a past romantic relationship can sometimes feel overwhelming, but the process requires time and has many elements that are beyond a person’s control. However, there are a few things you can do to mitigate the worst of your unresolved feelings, summarized below:
- Use Negative Reappraisal. Common breakup advice suggests creating a list of all the negative qualities of your partner - the things you didn’t like about them - and reading it or adding to it daily. In the beginning, it can make emotional flare-ups worse, but over time, it significantly decreases infatuation and attachment to an ex-partner.
- Distract Yourself (Sparingly). It is also common to hear distraction recommended as a way to get over a breakup. Distractions might include finding a new hobby, making new friends, or getting absorbed into a new TV show. However, it is important not to rely on distraction too heavily. Evidence suggests that, while it can improve short-term feelings, it may become an avoidance technique in the long term.
- Lean on Your Support Network. Consider discussing how you feel with a trusted friend or family member. Social support is one of the healthiest coping strategies to use after a breakup because it can be tempting to withdraw and socially isolate, which can significantly worsen psychological well-being.
- Cut Contact Completely. While exes can certainly be friends, those friendships usually only develop once both former partners have addressed their feelings about the relationship. In the meantime, consider blocking your ex on social media, avoiding texts or phone calls with them, and spending less time around mutual friends while you heal.
- Focus on Self-Improvement. One of the best ways to stop missing someone is to focus on yourself. Often, building self-esteem or focusing on another form of self-improvement can bolster your confidence and prepare you for a new, healthy relationship.
Is it healthy to think about my ex?
Thinking about an ex after a breakup is healthy and normal, but excessive thinking that interferes with your daily life is not. Everyone processes their feelings in their own way, at their own pace. You likely need time to process your relationship's positive and negative aspects before your feelings fade and you are ready to start dating again.
While thinking about your ex is normal, if you’re constantly inundated with thoughts about the relationships, you may be ruminating, or engaging in unhealthy thought patterns that interfere with your well-being. If you’re thinking about your ex so much it feels unbearable, you should consider reaching out to a mental health professional for assistance processing your feelings.
Why can't I let go of my ex?
There are many reasons why someone might struggle to let go of an ex. You might be grieving thoughts of a future or marriage or struggling to accept other hopes and dreams for the relationship that will never come to pass. You could also be finding it difficult to be alone, stuck wondering how the relationship could have been fixed, or challenged by low confidence.
No matter what the reason is, one of the first steps to take is to turn your focus on yourself. Make sure you are taking care of the basics needed for health and happiness, like getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, and getting exercise. If time passes and you still haven’t let go of your ex, or the thought of being without them is unbearable, you should consider reaching out to a therapist for assistance. They can help you process lingering feelings and better understand why letting go has been so hard.
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