I Cheated On My Boyfriend; What Should I Do?

When one partner cheats in a relationship, both parties tend to experience emotional challenges. The person who cheated may feel racked with guilt and struggle to come to terms with their actions, while the partner who has been cheated on may feel betrayed by someone they trusted.

If you've cheated on your boyfriend and are currently experiencing feelings of guilt because you feel like you ruined things, this may show you still have an emotional connection to your partner and you understand the implications of your actions. You may also be feeling lost and confused after cheating on your boyfriend. 

Why you might feel so terrible right now

Whatever you’re feeling at this time, you don't need to face it alone. After cheating on a partner, feelings of grief, shame, and self-doubt may arise, which can be difficult to process. Below, we’ll discuss some possible actions to take after an instance of cheating and ways to obtain support during this period after cheating on your boyfriend.

Common emotional reactions after cheating

After cheating on your boyfriend, you may begin feeling like you owe your partner an explanation, especially if they're experiencing emotional pain, such as sleep loss and low libido. Cheating can induce feelings of stress, grief, and shame, which can intensify the need to explain your behavior and seek forgiveness. 

What remorse can tell you about yourself

While remorse can be a challenging emotion, it can also indicate that you care for others, feel empathy, and have the capacity for personal growth. A difficult time may be used for self-reflection. As well as taking responsibility for your actions, you may ask yourself if your emotional needs were being met.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

How common is betrayal?

Cheating may be more common than we may think. Statistics on cheating can vary widely across surveys, but results may be skewed given that respondents might be embarrassed or afraid to admit that “I cheated on my boyfriend/partner.”

Regardless of the precise statistics on infidelity, it’s a common experience that many couples face, and both people in a relationship deserve support as they move forward from cheating. 

Accepting responsibility without self-destruction

Rather than spiraling after cheating on someone you care about, there may be are concrete steps you can take to move on, accept responsibility for your actions, and work to repair the relationship in an ethical way.

Steps to accept responsibility:

• Stop lying to your partner: If you’re hiding the truth from your boyfriend, it may deepen the betrayal, rather than becoming an obstacle you can move past. 
• Stop romanticizing the other person: It may be easy to get caught up in the excitement of something new, but in reality, an affair may not be a reflection of genuine love. 
• Cut Contact with them: To move forward and provide your current partner with emotional relief, consider blocking the other person’s number and avoiding contact. 
• Tell your support system: Sharing your situation with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can alleviate the emotional burden and provide some clarity.
• Consider what’s best for your partner: While telling your partner may be the right thing, take the time to reflect beforehand, and explain it in a way that supports their well-being.  

Should you tell your boyfriend? A decision framework

A common thing people may wonder after cheating is whether they should tell their boyfriend. While they may believe that honesty ensures the integrity of their relationship, they may also be scared of hurting someone they care about. 

When telling may be the right thing:

• It isn’t a one-time thing: If the affair has been going on for a long time, your boyfriend may appreciate finding out from you.
• Your partner’s well-being is at risk: If there’s a possibility your boyfriend has been exposed to an STI or they are suffering emotionally. 
• You can’t cut contact with the other person: If, for example, you’re going to see the other person regularly – at a place of work or in a friendship group. 
• You believe honesty will re-build your relationship: Unless there are safety concerns, you may believe being honest is the best way to heal and grow as a couple.

If you decide to speak to him, you might give him the necessary details about when you cheated, making sure to respect his own boundaries; he may not want to know all the details. It can be helpful to take responsibility for your actions and avoid excuses.

By being honest, you may find that your relationship eventually emerges stronger from this challenging period. Also, a potential benefit of transparency is that you won't be looking over your shoulder, worrying that your secret will catch up to you. 

When not telling may be the less harmful choice for now

In certain cases – especially if your partner's physical and emotional health isn’t at risk – you may decide it’s not the right time to confess to your partner. Maybe your partner is emotionally unstable right now or you have no intention of healing the relationship. This is a personal choice and there’s no correct way to approach this decision. 

How to rebuild trust if you both want to try

There may be one point in time when you feel it’s fair to tell them the truth. Beforehand, it can be helpful to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what it feels like to find out something like this late at night. This may help you approach conversations with compassion.

Despite these potential benefits of honesty, it may help to prepare yourself emotionally for what might happen. There's a risk that your boyfriend may not want to be with you anymore. It may help to remember that this period may be fraught with intense emotions that are valid, both for you and your boyfriend. Initially, he may be inconsolable, but if the relationship isn’t worth losing, it may help to offer a sincere apology and let him know that you felt he deserved to know. Even if the story sounds ridiculous, he may appreciate honesty and transparency.

Depending on the situation and your relationship, there's a chance your partner will forgive you for cheating on him. He may be understanding of your predicament, especially if he has experienced similar feelings in the past.

Immediate steps: Transparency, stopping contact, and consistent effort

If you and a partner would like to move forward and rebuild trust in the relationship, it may require transparency, consistent effort, and a willingness to respect each other's needs. 

In the aftermath of cheating, you can focus on:

• Complete transparency: In relationships, transparency may foster trust and accountability, so you may want to be open and honest without deflecting.
• Zero contact with the other person: Begin by cutting off communication with the other person to show your partner they’re your priority.
• Accepting his emotional process: Accepting that your partner may experience anger, sadness, and jealousy allows them to take things slow and heal at their own pace.

Longer term work: Couples therapy, boundary setting, and addressing underlying issues

You may want to consider working with a couples therapist who specializes in infidelity. They may be able to help you and your partner navigate difficult conversations, identify and address emotional needs, rebuild trust and communication, and form healthy boundaries.  

How to forgive yourself and restore self-worth

Recognizing a mistake – especially if it’s hurt a loved one – can be difficult, but it doesn’t define you as a person, and there are ways you can learn and grow from it. Take this time to figure out what was wrong within the relationship, what needs weren't being met, and how you would act differently next time. 

Also, since research suggests psychological interventions can promote self-forgiveness, you may decide to start speaking with a therapist. During sessions, you can process feelings of guilt, understand any underlying issues, develop stronger self-worth, and build healthier coping mechanisms.

Addressing the needs that lead to cheating

There can be many possible reasons for infidelity. For example, a person may be more prone to cheating if they lack an emotional connection with their partner. Many affairs can start when one partner experiences emotional intimacy with another person in their life, such as a friend or coworker. Other unmet needs that can lead to cheating include sexual dissatisfaction, a loss of fun in the relationship, and a desire for something new and exciting.

How to repair these needs in your current relationship

There are plenty of ways to foster relationship satisfaction, and many of them center around partaking in joint activities, such as sleeping, eating, and exercising together. By spending scheduling quality time with one another and prioritizing fun activities, you can spark joy and connection in the relationship. 

How to safely move on 

Sometimes, despite your best intentions, the relationship cannot be repaired after infidelity. To safely move on and heal from emotional pain, it can be helpful to lean on your support system, allow yourself to feel difficult emotions, and prioritize self-care, whether it’s a hot bath or a walk in the park. 

Signs you should prepare to leave and how to do it thoughtfully:

• The relationship had problems before the affair.
• You realize you don’t actually want to be in the relationship.
• Your boyfriend doesn’t trust you and feels he has to monitor your every move.
• The effort it takes to rebuild the relationship feels unhealthy.

If you decide to end the relationship, your boyfriend may appreciate honesty and openness, telling them the true reasons for your decision. Not only can this allow you to walk away with dignity, but it can also allow them to self-reflect and heal too. 

Getting support through therapy and community

Before deciding how to move forward, it may help to get the advice of a licensed relationship counselor after cheating on your boyfriend. You may even consider online therapy, which many studies have demonstrated to be just as effective as in-office therapy. With online therapy, you can discuss your emotional experience from the comfort of your home or anywhere you feel safe and have an internet connection after cheating on your boyfriend.

What a therapist can help you figure out

A therapist may be able to help you explore the possible reasons that you cheated and work on self-forgiveness. For example, if you’re experiencing low levels of self-esteem, you can discuss this with a licensed therapist who may provide evidence-based strategies for building your self-esteem and confidence after cheating on your boyfriend.

Options: individual therapy, couples therapy, support groups

One of the most common forms of therapy is cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). One study that looked at married women who had been cheated on and are now experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms found that marriage satisfaction, self-esteem, and quality of life all significantly increased for those who received CBT. Research shows that CBT is also effective when delivered online. With an online therapy service like BetterHelp, you can participate in CBT and other forms of care via live chat, audio, or videoconferencing. 

Other online therapy options include support groups and couples counseling. If you and your boyfriend would like to speak with a couple’s therapist together, you can do so online through BetterHelp’s sister platform, Regain. The same modes of communication are available at Regain, which has a network of thousands of couples therapists who have experience helping couples navigate cheating on their boyfriend and other common relationship challenges.