I Cheated On My Boyfriend, Now What?: Ways to Address Infidelity

"I cheated on my boyfriend, now what?" Maybe you had a weak moment, and this phrase may be something you'd never think would apply to you. Or, perhaps you suspected cheating on your boyfriend would happen for a while. Whatever the case, if you have cheated, you may find yourself feeling a myriad of intense emotions, such as guilt after cheating. 

You might be at a point where you have to decide what to do next. Do you admit to cheating or keep it a secret? Do you stay, accept responsibility, and try to repair the relationship with your boyfriend with methods like online therapy, or move on to a new love? This guide explores some things to consider as you move forward, including honest communication, addressing emotional needs, and when to seek professional help. 

Why people cheat and common underlying reasons 

People commit infidelity for many reasons. Here are some of the most common reasons for cheating:

• Running away from problems
• Unmet emotional needs
• Impulse decisions
• Life circumstances
• Long-distance relationship
• Social media/the internet
• Boredom
• Lack of respect or attention
• Growing apart/increased space
• Pornography addiction
• A reaction to prior cheating or an affair
• Abuse
• Insecurity/feeling alone
• Feeling like there's something "wrong" or missing in the relationship
• Feeling unappreciated
• Body image/aging issues

Understanding the possible reasons why you might have cheated can help repair the situation and prevent further harm. However, what if you don't know why you've cheated, so you can't explain or address it? In this case, it can be helpful to reflect on the situation. 

Should you tell him? Honest communication vs. withholding the truth 

There can be both pros and cons of revealing infidelity. If you tell your boyfriend about the incident of cheating, they might ask why it happened, and being able to explain could help the discussion. It's also likely that they'll be upset, hurt, and require time and space to process their emotions. 

Does your boyfriend know about the incident? If they don't, have you considered whether you'll discuss it with them? Honesty increases the chances of your relationship's survival. If you want to continue the relationship, being truthful about your actions is likely the best course, even if you’re afraid. Yes, it may break the relationship, but if you communicate honestly and are remorseful, your partner might be willing to work with you to save it. 

However, it's also possible that you don't want to save the relationship. Perhaps you cheated because you lack emotional intimacy in your relationship and weren't sure how else to end things. 

However, some people benefit from discussing whether to reveal their infidelity with a neutral party, especially if they're finding it difficult to know what to do or can't readily identify their reasons for cheating. A therapist can help you explore subconscious thoughts and help rule out or identify mental health issues that might have contributed to the incident. Therapy can also help you process any guilt or shame and practice self-forgiveness, as you may feel awful after the incident. 

Suggested timing and neutral settings for a conversation

Finding the right timing and a neutral setting to talk about just that topic can be important. While there may be no perfect time, consider finding a time when both of you are calm, sober, and can fully engage, as open communication can be key to beginning this difficult but necessary conversation. Some locations you might consider include a park, a quiet coffee shop, or a therapist's office. 

How to accept responsibility and be held accountable 

While self-awareness regarding your reasons for cheating may be important, when you admit to cheating, you may consider taking full responsibility for your actions. Accepting responsibility may mean no minimization, no blaming the other partner for your actions, and owning up to what happened.

Words that you might say include:

• I betrayed you. I know I hurt you. 
• I'm sorry. I owe you an explanation. 
• I will do X to be held accountable.

Practical next steps if you want to try to repair the relationship 

It can take time to rebuild trust and repair a relationship after cheating. However, there may be steps you can take to move forward.

Immediate next steps:

• Cut contact with the affair partner
• Allow the betrayed partner to process emotions fully
• Validate your partner's feelings

Accountability matters

• Show commitment and investment in the relationship
• Avoid blame by using "I" statement to describe your feelings
• Set realistic timelines for addressing concerns
• Increase transparency by avoiding lies, secrets, and concealment

Repairing a relationship in daily life 

To make the relationship work after you've cheated on your partner, both you and your partner might want to take things slow. You may also need to allow your boyfriend to consider if the relationship is still viable or worth losing to protect their own self-esteem and mental health. If you both decide to move forward, try to see the relationship anew, and work to keep the promises 

Meanwhile, you may want to allow your partner to express their emotions, which could include shock, anger, confusion, disappointment, and loss of control. They might want to be alone during this time, and you may work on showing commitment by giving them what they need.

Coping with guilt and learning to forgive yourself 

Guilt often follows cheating. Healthy guilt can motivate self-awareness and change. However, toxic shame can paralyze growth and may keep you from addressing concerns related to your relationship. For example, if guilt is your primary reason for staying in the relationship, you may be avoiding examining unmet needs, boundaries, or other concerns that may have contributed to cheating in the first place. 

Cheating does not mean you are a bad person 

After cheating, you're likely to experience many emotions. For example, it can be common to wonder if you're a "good" person if you've cheated on someone you love and care about. However, while cheating can be harmful to a relationship, eroding trust and inviting questions about underlying concerns in your life, these concerns can be addressed. 

Exercises for self-reflection and self-compassion

Journaling is one exercise that can help you understand and reflect on your innermost thoughts and feelings. In addition, journaling has been shown to relieve stress and anxiety, which you might be experiencing during this time. Practicing self-forgiveness and self-compassion can also help you own what happened without sacrificing your self-worth and well-being. By allowing you to learn from mistakes, you may foster personal growth while recognizing that making a mistake can be part of the human experience.  

When the relationship is broken beyond repair

For many couples, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum and may point to a broken relationship that may not be worth saving. While some couples realize that they are still invested in making it work, others may come to regard cheating as the last straw. 

Recognizing red lines and deal breakers

There can be many indicators that it may be worth losing the relationship to protect both people's well-being. One example of an unhealthy dynamic is if your partner uses what happened to manipulate you into doing things you don't want to do. You may also need to ask yourself if you're willing to do the work to mend the relationship. Some people find that they're not as invested in the relationship as they initially thought, or they cannot truly imagine a future with this person. Break-ups can be painful for both partners, but infidelity also offers an opportunity to reflect on reasons for staying and whether it's really worth it to try to make things work. If not, this can be a time to focus on your own healing and personal growth. Making an ethical exit involves honesty and mutual respect. 

When and how to involve a therapist or professional support 

Cheating can feel intensely upsetting to both you and your partner, and a simple apology might not be enough to mend things. Working with a licensed relationship counselor for individual therapy might help you understand what to do now, process guilt, and gain insight into your emotions, patterns, and underlying concerns. A therapist can also help you show your care and what you can do to regain your partner's trust. If you decide to tell your partner but cannot bring yourself to do it, revealing the truth in a therapy setting could help. You could ask your therapist if your partner can attend a session. 

Alternatively, you may also seek professional support through couples therapy for a mediated conversation about infidelity and relationship repair. Engaging in relationship counseling can also offer a safe place to explore what happened and learn from it. 

Rebuilding trust with the help of a mental health professional

From there, it might be time to navigate rebuilding trust in the relationship. This entire process will likely look different from relationship to relationship. Suggesting a relationship counselor might be appropriate if you need help approaching what to do now. 

Addressing issues and challenges on your own

If you cheated on your partner, you can skip professional help, but you'll likely still need to navigate underlying issues and complicated emotions. Your partner might also need time to decide if they want to continue the relationship, and giving them this space might be integral to saving it. 

Online therapy for deciding what to do next

If you need help deciding what to do, whether you'd like to be honest or if you'd like to save the relationship, speaking with a therapist might help. A licensed therapist or relationship counselor can be helpful regardless of how you choose to proceed. And BetterHelp can match you with a professional based on your needs and preferences so that you have someone to talk to. In addition, sessions are easy to schedule, and you can use in-app messaging to reach out to your therapist whenever you need, and they will respond as soon as they can.  

One 2022 study indicates that couples therapy through videoconferencing can be equally effective to traditional, in-person therapy. The researchers also found that online counseling improved relationship satisfaction and relationship adjustment.