I Hit My Boyfriend: Understanding Your Actions and Finding Help

If you've hit your boyfriend, you may be experiencing a mix of guilt, confusion, and fear about what this means for you and your relationship. These feelings can be overwhelming, but the fact that you're seeking information suggests you want to understand what happened and how to move forward. This article explores whether hitting a partner constitutes abuse, why it may have happened, what steps you can take next, and how professional support can help you build healthier patterns in your relationships.

Tackling harmful behaviors head-on may be essential for preventing future patterns of violent behavior in relationships. A therapist can often help individuals and couples heal and implement healthier patterns.

Is hitting your boyfriend considered abusive behavior?

Domestic abuse can affect anyone of any gender, race, social status, class, or sexuality. Additionally, anyone of any gender, race, social status, class, or sexuality can act abusively toward another person.

Hitting someone intentionally may be defined as abusive behavior. Abuse often accompanies a pattern of behavior over time; however, hitting a partner even once can have harmful impacts. Even if your intentions are not to hurt them and even if you love your partner, hitting them is still a violent act and may be considered abusive behavior.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline notes that those who act abusively can change their behavioral patterns with effort, willingness, and support. Recognizing that change is possible may be an important first step, and seeking help if you feel you cannot address anger management issues or other damaging behaviors on your own can make a significant difference.

Understanding why you hit your boyfriend

If you have recently hit your partner, you may be wondering why. You may have felt out of control or overcome by emotion. You may feel like you don't recognize the person you were when you hit your partner. In any case, your actions are not acceptable and can significantly impact your relationship. Understanding the factors that may have contributed to your behavior is not about making excuses; rather, it can help you identify patterns and prevent future harm.

Expressing overwhelming emotions

Intense emotions such as anger, frustration, hurt, or fear can sometimes feel impossible to contain. When emotional regulation skills are lacking, these feelings may lead to physical reactions before you fully process what's happening. The emotion itself is not the problem; rather, it's how that emotion gets expressed. Learning to identify and manage overwhelming emotions may be a skill that can be developed with practice and support.

Reacting to feeling threatened or controlled

In some cases, physical reactions may occur when someone feels threatened or is responding to controlling behavior from a partner. If you are in a relationship where you experience abuse yourself, the dynamics can become complex. This context may indicate that you need different resources and support. If you're experiencing abuse in your relationship, reaching out to the domestic violence hotline can help you understand your options.

Learned patterns from childhood or past relationships

You may have hit your partner due to lessons you learned as a child or adult. You could have witnessed familial violence or a controlling or abusive relationship between your caregivers or someone else close to you, and patterns from past romantic relationships can also shape how you respond to conflict. Many people who act abusively have experienced abuse themselves. However, these experiences do not necessarily excuse or take away from potential harm.

The difference between intent and impact

Although you may have had other intentions, accepting that your behavior harmed your boyfriend is essential. You may not have meant to cause pain, but the impact on your partner is real regardless of what you intended. Taking responsibility for your own actions and for the action itself can be a powerful step toward changing unhealthy patterns. A therapist who understands your patterns can help you make meaningful changes that lead to healthier relationships.

What to do after hitting your boyfriend

You may be wondering how to approach your boyfriend after hitting him. Moving forward cautiously and being aware of your boyfriend's feelings and what they communicate can help you navigate this difficult situation.

Ensure immediate safety

The first priority may be making sure both you and your partner are physically safe. If emotions are still running high, creating space between you can help prevent further harm. Leave the situation if you feel the urge to act out again, and do not return until you feel calm and in control.

Make a genuine apology

A healthy and genuine apology can include several parts, though keep in mind that your partner may or may not forgive you. Consider following these steps:

1. Ask your partner if they feel safe having a quick conversation.

2. If they agree, tell them that you feel sorry and regret your actions. Name the action and let them know you saw its impact.

3. Commit to improving in the future and stick to your word.

4. Let your partner know you are open to hearing their thoughts, feelings, and boundaries.

Once you have apologized, it is up to your partner whether or not they will accept your apology.

Accept their decision about the relationship

Your boyfriend may decide whether he wants to stay in a relationship with you after you hit him. Do not expect your partner to forgive you just because you have apologized. They may still feel angry, scared, or doubtful after what happened. Once he makes it, respect his decision.

Although losing a relationship you cared about can be painful, you may see his choice to end things as an opportunity to grow and make healthier choices in the future. Your boyfriend may no longer feel safe with you, and it may be time for him to move forward.

Or, if your boyfriend accepts your apology and stays in a relationship with you, accept his decision and continue to strive toward growth. You and your partner may decide to attend couples therapy together, or you might see an individual therapist to discuss what happened.

Understand potential legal consequences

Hitting an intimate partner can result in criminal charges, including battery or domestic violence charges. Depending on your jurisdiction, these charges may carry penalties such as fines, mandatory counseling, or jail time. Laws vary by location, and the specific circumstances of the incident can affect potential consequences. Being aware of these possibilities is not meant to frighten you but to help you understand the full scope of your situation.

How to prevent this from happening again

Understanding what happened may be only part of the process. Taking concrete steps to ensure this behavior does not repeat may be important for your growth and for the safety of those around you.

Leave the situation when you feel the urge

Again, you should leave the situation immediately if you emotionally feel the urge to resort to physical violence during an argument. Take time to examine your urges in a safe and comfortable area away from your partner. Do not return until you feel the urge has passed. Having a plan in advance for where you can go and how you will calm down can make this easier to execute in the moment.

Practice emotional regulation techniques

While on your own, practicing emotional regulation techniques can help calm your emotional distress. These techniques can help you regain composure before reacting. Some common ways to do this include:

• Deep breathing exercises, such as square breathing where you inhale, hold, exhale, and hold again for equal counts
• Mindfulness or guided meditation to help you stay present rather than reactive
• Journaling about your feelings to process emotions before they build up
• Taking a "video journal" where you explain to your camera how you feel and save the video for personal use without posting it

Avoid driving while angry or upset, as your emotions may distract you and make driving unsafe.

Identify and label your emotions

If you struggle to understand your emotions or find yourself suppressing them often, you might unknowingly be causing emotional build-up. Suppressing your emotions may cause physical and mental consequences to your health. Though it doesn't always feel good to feel difficult emotions, bottling them up may lead to worse consequences.

You can learn to identify emotions by researching the signs of each emotion in your body. For example, when you are feeling fear, you might notice your palms get sweaty, or your stomach begins to churn. Additionally, you might feel different emotions in specific parts of your body, such as your jaw or chest. These cues can teach you a lot about what you're feeling and help you avoid future emotional outbursts. When you feel an emotion coming up, labeling it may help reduce its intensity and allow you to respond in a healthy way.

Getting professional help for violent behavior

Addressing violent behavior often requires more than self-help strategies alone. Professional support can provide the structure, accountability, and skill-building needed to create lasting change.

Reach out to a therapist or counselor

It can feel isolating to cope with intense emotions alone. A therapist can help you explore the underlying issues that contributed to your behavior and teach you healthier ways to cope with conflict. Approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) may be particularly helpful for developing emotional regulation skills.

Consider anger management programs

Anger management skills training classes may be effective in reducing aggressive urges and behaviors. If you experience anger often and/or find that the emotion accompanies an urge to hit your partner, an anger management class can teach you healthy ways to release this feeling. These programs typically focus on recognizing early warning signs of anger and developing specific techniques to manage it before it escalates.

Explore behavior change programs

Behavior change programs, sometimes called domestic violence intervention programs, are structured programs specifically designed for people who have been violent in relationships. These programs typically involve group sessions where participants learn accountability, develop new skills, and receive support from others working on similar issues. Some people attend these programs voluntarily as part of their commitment to change, while others may be court-ordered to participate. Either way, these programs can provide a meaningful path toward healthier relationship patterns.

Build a support system

Making lasting changes may be easier with support from others. Trusted friends, family members, or support groups can provide encouragement and accountability as you work on your behavior. Isolation may make change harder, so maintaining connections with people who support your growth may be beneficial.

Committing to healthier relationship patterns

Beyond addressing the immediate situation, building a foundation for healthier relationships going forward can help you maintain the changes you're working toward. Practicing self-care, learning healthy communication skills, and recognizing warning signs may be beneficial.

Practice ongoing self-care

Outside of your relationship, committing to increasing healthy behaviors in your life can support your emotional stability. These might include:

• Getting enough sleep each night to help regulate your mood and reactions
• Eating nutritious meals to support your physical and mental well-being
• Attending therapy when your sessions come up and staying consistent with your treatment plan
• Engaging in regular physical activity to help manage stress and tension
• Limiting or avoiding alcohol use, which can lower inhibitions and increase the likelihood of reactive behavior

Additionally, do not internalize your desire to hit and start hitting or harming yourself instead. If you feel these urges, reach out to a professional for support.

Learn healthy communication skills

Physical aggression may occur when other forms of communication breakdown. Learning how to express your needs, seek reassurance in relationships, and set boundaries verbally can reduce the likelihood of conflict escalating. Therapy can help you develop these skills.

Recognize warning signs in yourself

Developing self-awareness of your personal escalation patterns can help you make a change before reaching a crisis point. Again, pay attention to the physical and emotional cues that precede violent urges. Recognizing these signs early gives you the opportunity to use your coping strategies before the situation escalates.

How online therapy can help after hitting your partner

Talking to a therapist about what occurred with your boyfriend may help you prevent these actions in the future. Additionally, if you and your partner are interested, a couples counselor could teach you both healthy communication skills and strategies for a healthier future. It may also be beneficial for your boyfriend to see a therapist independently, as experiencing violence from a partner may cause post-traumatic stress disorder or other long-term mental health conditions.

If you are ready to try online therapy, consider signing up for a platform such as BetterHelp, one of the world's largest networks of therapists with over 30,000 qualified providers globally. Online therapy can be particularly helpful for those who may feel nervous about seeking help in person or who need the flexibility to access care from home.

BetterHelp also offers access to couples therapy through Regain. Some providers on BetterHelp may be in-network with certain health plans in select states, and eligible members may pay an average copay of about $23 per session. Coverage varies by plan, provider, and therapist availability, so check your benefits and in-network status directly through the BetterHelp site. Learn more about insurance coverage.

Also, BetterHelp now offers psychiatry services through Uplift as an additional care option alongside therapy. Based on a full evaluation by a licensed psychiatric provider, psychiatry services may include medication management when clinically appropriate. Medication availability and coverage may vary by member location, clinical appropriateness, and individual pharmacy or insurance benefits. Prescribing decisions are made by the treating clinicians, and no specific medication or coverage is guaranteed. If you are interested in getting started with psychiatry services through Uplift, you can learn more here: Get started with psychiatry.

The effectiveness of online therapy in supporting change

According to a meta-analysis published in 2021, online therapy can often be an effective form of treatment for symptoms of anxiety, depression, and more. For someone trying to understand violent behavior, manage intense emotions, or build healthier relationship patterns, online therapy may offer a practical way to start getting support.

BetterHelp offers individual therapy services for adults of all genders, ages, sexualities, and backgrounds. In addition, BetterHelp has sites dedicated to various other audiences and concerns, including Regain for couples therapy and TeenCounseling for teens aged 13 to 19. Online therapy options are available for:

• Individuals
• Teens
• Couples
• Veterans
• Young adults
• Seniors