I Feel Horrible That I Hit My Boyfriend... How To Move Forward After, "I Hit My Boyfriend."

By: Robert Porter

Updated February 26, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Wendy Galyen, LCSW, BC-TMH

Content/Trigger Warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include sexual assault & violence which could potentially be triggering.

A woman is upset with herself, thinking to herself,

Violence Is Never The Answer To Issues In Your Relationships
Learn to Effectively Manage Anger in Online Therapy Today
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I Hit My Boyfriend?

Before you can move forward with trying to deal with this issue, you need to address why you hit your boyfriend and why you thought to resort to domestic violence was the solution. Domestic violence is a serious issue, and if you can't recognize why you decided on physically abusing someone, you can't ever get better.

Before you continue, you need to ask yourself various questions regarding why you did what you did. Are you having problems controlling your anger? If so, then you might need to consider taking anger management classes. It’s vital that you take some time out to ask yourself if it’s okay to hit or slap your boyfriend. You would most probably go against the act immediately and “no” may be a quick answer.

However, when talking about some more practical scenarios, you may start to reconsider. Imagine if your boyfriend calls you by very insulting and horrible names. Sometimes, it could be that your boyfriend did something unknowingly that may have put you in danger. These scenarios may seem to be justifiable because they seem to be capable of pushing you to the edge.

Physical abuse or domestic violence may be just a slap when you’re angry. Don’t be surprised that a slap counts as an act of domestic violence. Moreover, allowing this to happen in your relationship is both dangerous legally and emotionally to you and your boyfriend. Actions as little as a slap can totally affect your romantic relationship with your boyfriend which may end up affecting communication. Once anything affects communication in your relationship, then there may later be a problem with the entire relationship.

Violence is one of the most horrible parts of the human nature. Also, violence should never be in a relationship because of the degree of toxicity that it brings to the table. One act of violence in your relationship may lead to more cases and acts of violence. Please note that it is not okay to slap your partner for any reason whatsoever. If you are of the opinion that you can take that step if you’re provoked to a certain extent, then, you are giving yourself a bad excuse. Try your best to manage any anger issues that may result in making you continue that way. Need anger management classes? BetterHelp provides support for people that need to manage anger issues.

Using physical violence is never acceptable. Domestic violence is commonly associated with men hitting women, but physically abusing men in relationships are just as bad. Recognizing that you're a toxic person in that regard is essential; otherwise, you will lose the people who matter to you the most. You need to be able to curb this behavior.

You might have hit your boyfriend because you were arguing. If you say to yourself, "I hit my boyfriend because he didn't listen to me," then understand that there might also be other issues there. It's also possible that he might have done something to upset you, and that's when thought this resorting to this would be okay. Regardless, there is nothing that can justify you taking things that far. You probably already feel bad about what you did, but you need to understand why. If you learn why you acted this way, then you should be able to take steps to calm yourself the next time and avoid domestic violence if a similar situation occurs.

I Hit My Boyfriend, Now What Do I Do?

I hit my boyfriend. What do I do now?" Well, if you say, "I hit my boyfriend," first, you recognize the issue, and you feel regret.

You have already taken the right step by recognizing your error. You might even be considering signing up for anger management courses or reaching out to online couples’ counselors. Now you need to discuss things with your boyfriend so that you can show him that you know what you did was wrong, and the biggest regret of what you did was hitting him in the process. Domestic violence is never okay, even if you say to yourself, "I hit my boyfriend, I want to change." If you're not making the change, then you'll continue to hurt them. The steps listed below are not guaranteed to make your boyfriend forgive you or stay with you, but they provide the best chance for continuing a healthy relationship.

Apologize

Domestic violence can be very hurtful, especially to the victim. So, first of all, apologize. You need to make sure that the apology comes from your heart. Giving a sincere apology is the number one priority after hitting your boyfriend. Saying "I hit my boyfriend" to yourself is a good way to recognize the problem, but if you're not telling him directly, you won't fix it. He needs to hear the words and know that you don't think violence against him was the right thing to do. Expressing how sorry you are is the first step toward healing.

Recognize that what you're doing makes you a toxic person and learn to curb these domestic violence tendencies. If you have issues making an apology, you may need to take some time out to consider the effect and impact of your actions. Doing this may require you putting yourself in his shoes, so that you can understand everything happening more. After recognizing that you have done something bad or hurtful, try forgiving yourself. Please note that this doesn’t mean that you will not be remorseful; it simply means that you’re not going to let it bring you down. The major step which is, tendering the apology should not be difficult. Since you know your boyfriend well enough, you should know the best way to tender an apology.

Commit to Not Being Violent Ever Again

You can promise your boyfriend that you won't hit him again if that promise feels right for you and him. But even more important than stating a promise is to commit to yourself that you will not hit him again. Promises can be broken if the one making them hasn't made the goal a personal mission. If you haven't made your goal to stop domestic violence, you won't follow through with this, and more will get hurt. Doing this may require you carefully drawing out a plan. Also, you may need to consult BetterHelp to support you and help with counseling.


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Be Aware of Emotions and Violent Urges

Be mindful of what it felt like when you were about to hit your boyfriend. Understand when you will engage in behaviors that make you a toxic person. If you know what your triggers are for hitting someone or expressing domestic violence, you'll be able to do something about it. What emotions were you feeling? What physical sensations did you feel in your body? Would you recognize being in that state again? The next time you get angry or upset with your boyfriend, pay attention to whether your feelings are going back to that place and to remove yourself from the situation before you lose control. A phone call to trusted friends family could help calm you down. Paying attention to your feelings and emotions go a long way in taking your relationship to the next level. In order words, your relationship may last long.

Preventing Further Violence

Once domestic violence occurs once, there’s a probability that it keeps on happening if you don’t take steps to curb it. Stress can be a major cause of violence in a relationship. It's a good idea to find ways to relax and alleviate stress. Domestic violence sometimes has at the core of it, a lack of communication, or an inability to relax and get rid of that stress that's built up. It's never okay to hit someone, but sometimes, recognizing the triggers for violence or anger is essential.

We often take out anger and violent urges on the people close to us, when the real issues are other stressors in our lives, which is why we think domestic violence is okay. Taking care of yourself is the first step in a healthy relationship. It's also important to explore whether you are personally at a place to be in a serious relationship. Check for circumstances that contributed to the violence, such as drinking too much caffeine or alcohol.

If the relationship can continue, work on communication skills with your partner. Acknowledging your error is a good sign that you are self-aware. Physical abuse of any kind is unacceptable, whether perpetrated by a female or a male, whether it is intentional or not, whether it causes visible marks and/or psychological wounds. Even saying sorry is not enough to make up for an incident like this.

It is a known fact that there is never just one incident of abuse. Domestic violence is a continuous stream of events where you hurt someone close to you, often more than once. Everyone needs to recognize abuse when it happens and take steps to protect themselves. If this requires removing yourself from the situation or discontinuing contact with the abuser, you must do so and confide in someone to help you make a plan. Do not pretend it didn't happen or keep the knowledge to yourself. Do not believe that you deserve the punishment or make excuses for the abuser's behavior. Abuse only escalates. Here are some examples of abuse that you should not tolerate:

  • Being threatened with bodily harm.
  • Being threatened with a weapon.
  • Being grabbed, pushed, dragged, tripped.
  • Having something being thrown at you.
  • Having your hair pulled.
  • Being scratched, slapped, punched, kicked, bitten, or pinched.
  • Being forced to have sex.
  • Being grabbed to prevent you from escaping.

Like all abusers, you need to know that what you have done is wrong. In today's society, we are beginning to realize that not all abusers are male. Domestic violence against men is coming forward, and more men are telling the tale of the women who hurt them, and how they've suffered at the hands of domestic violence. Men have hidden abuse they have suffered plain laid, for the most part, because they were ashamed to admit a female was abusing them. They may have believed it was humiliating and thought that others would see them as less than masculine.

Violence Is Never The Answer To Issues In Your Relationships
Learn to Effectively Manage Anger in Online Therapy Today

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A survey of high school students called the 2015 Youth Risk Behavior Survey concluded that 1 in 8 girls and 1 in 13 boys reported physical violence when dating the year before the survey. In 2010, an adult (over 18 years of age) survey called the 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey found 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced rape, violence, and/or stalking by their intimate partner.

Domestic violence against men is possible, and if you say "I hit my boyfriend" more than once, then perhaps you should look at your toxic traits, and see if you can get help for your domestic violence tendencies. Remember, you don't have to be male to be an abuser, and more and more domestic violence cases where the man is the one who is getting hurt are on the rise, which is both a worrisome aspect, but also good to hear about because many people don't realize that toxic behaviors aren't based in one gender.

Lessons that parents teach are fundamental to how children view themselves and others, how they demand to be treated, and how they treat others. The most important lessons are taught by example. If one parent abuses the other or engages in domestic violence, they teach their children that it is acceptable. Parents need to show compassion and empathy as children learn more from what you do than what you say. Parents need to be available to listen and take their children's comments seriously. This does not start when children are already in their teens and are dating; it begins when they are toddlers. Physical violence on the part of the parent or the child cannot be tolerated.

There have been many studies trying to find the correlation between abused children who become abusers in adulthood. In two studies done by Cathy Widom in 1992 and 1998, she found that 38% of abused or neglected children were later arrested as a juvenile and 53% of children who suffered physical abuse were more likely to be arrested as an adult for violent crimes. Other studies have determined that there is a link between physical abuse in childhood and aggression in adulthood.

The first thing a person, male or female, should do when they feel like they want to act out their aggression or anger is to get help. This should be done before they decide to act on their impulses. Talk to a teacher, a parent, or an adult in whom you trust. Recognizing anger and how to control anger is discussed with students in elementary, junior high, and high school. Counseling is advised if you find that you are having difficulty controlling your anger or harming yourself or harming others.

Ways to Help Anger Issues

There are some positive things that you can do to help alleviate anger issues at home. You should consider meditation to calm yourself so that you won't feel the urge to act out violently moving forward. Exercising regularly and keeping a journal can also help to calm you down. These methods will work very well in tandem with therapy to maintain a calm demeanor, and you'll be a better girlfriend for your partner. Ultimately, this will also help you improve your relationship and communication overall.

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You can talk to dedicated online therapists who understand how to help you with anger issues, leading to domestic violence. They can work with you to overcome your problems so that you can be a safer girlfriend for your partner. You can also rely on these professionals to assist you with couples counseling to work on communication issues and other problems that might be present. Research shows that online therapy is a powerful tool in strengthening couples.

Violence Is Never The Answer To Issues In Your Relationships
Learn to Effectively Manage Anger in Online Therapy Today

You may read the full study here: Marriage: A Randomized Controlled Trial of the Web-Based OurRelationship Program: Effects on Relationship and Individual Functioning.

Online therapy is incredibly convenient. You'll be able to get therapy without leaving home, and you can reach out at any time. You don't even have to worry about normal office hours. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp counselors, from people experiencing similar issues.

Counselor Reviews

"I've worked with Jamie for a number of months, and he's helped me with everything that life has thrown my way. Difficulty in work, my relationship, and other stresses that I've struggled to navigate by myself. He listens, and he helps. I always feel validated and supported. He gives me tools and perspectives that have made a big difference in my overall happiness."

"Alisha is great, she's really helped me through this tough time in my life and with my anger issues. She understands me and knows how to make me feel better. She's great!"

My Boyfriend...

It's a natural response to feel bad about hitting your boyfriend, but you can commit to becoming a better person. You don't want a domestic violence case on your hands, right? Well, it's time that you work on bettering yourself and knock out these toxic behaviors of domestic violence.

Working on your issues should help to keep you from lashing out like this in the future. According to press releases, domestic violence is one of the leading causes of an unhappy relationship that may lead to a breakup. With the right tools, you will be able to enjoy a happier relationship moving forward. Take the first step today.

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