Recognizing A Relationship That May Be Toxic: Identifying And Changing Your Dynamic

There are many reasons it may be challenging to recognize toxic behaviors or dynamics in a relationship. In some cases, unhealthy patterns have been normalized through one’s own upbringing, social circle, or the media. In others, it can simply be difficult to look past your own emotions and attachments and view behaviors in a truly objective way. All that said, being able to recognize potentially harmful dynamics in a relationship can be vital for your well-being. Below, we’ll explore what a toxic relationship is and what it can look like along with tips for next steps if you realize you’re involved in one.

Toxic relationship definition

According to one study on the topic, a toxic relationship is characterized by consistent behaviors of one party that are “emotionally and frequently physically damaging” to the other. It also notes that self-centeredness, insecurity, control, and dominance are often components of such relationships.

Note as well that any kind of relationship has the potential to be toxic—not just romantic ones. Connections with family members, friends, and even coworkers may develop unhealthy patterns, which is why it can be important to become familiar with potential warning signs of toxic behaviors and pay attention to how different relationships make you feel. 

Some common signs of toxic relationships

A toxic relationship is characterized by a pattern of behaviors or interactions that end up being damaging to the mental health, self-esteem, physical health, or other aspect of the well-being of one or both parties. In these relationships, the effects of the negative moments may begin to outweigh the positive ones. Note that while some toxic relationships are abusive as well, this is not always the case. Toxic behaviors could be unintentional, potentially indicating a simple mismatch in personalities. Or, it could signal the deterioration of a dynamic and a potentially abusive future—or the presence of abuse now. 

Here are some potential signs of a toxic relationship to look out for. Note that this list isn’t exhaustive and that any relationship that consistently makes you feel drained, ill at ease, nervous, or afraid is likely to be unhealthy for you.

Judgment rather than empathy

Toxic relationships may be characterized by a sense of defensiveness, where both parties tend to jump toward judgment of the other’s words or behaviors rather than considering them with empathy. It may not feel emotionally safe to be honest about how you’re feeling in this type of connection, and it may not feel like there’s any room for vulnerability, mistakes, or healthy disagreements. This dynamic can result in a sense of constant tension and an inability to feel fully relaxed.

Bringing out negative qualities in each other

How do you see and feel about yourself when you spend time with this person? Ideally, healthy relationships help a person feel loved, accepted, and valuable and offer a safe space for them to grow and be the best version of themselves. A toxic relationship, however, might bring out negative characteristics in one or both individuals, such as gossiping more, being judgmental, or adopting unhealthy habits. At worst, it could also make an individual feel small, worthless, or unimportant, which could potentially be a sign of emotional abuse.

Frequent dishonesty

Frequent lying is usually a significant red flag in any relationship, often pointing toward a toxic dynamic. Deception erodes the foundation of trust, which is typically a cornerstone of a healthy partnership. It can also signal a lack of respect for the other party, and it can block emotional intimacy, which is generally considered to be a key component of lasting, healthy relationships.

Controlling behaviors

When one partner shows controlling behaviors, it may often create a power imbalance, affecting everything from self-care to how free time is spent. This control might come from constant suspicion of how the other person interacts in other relationships. However, healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and taking responsibility, not dominance. Recognizing these signs is crucial, as they can lead from unhealthy patterns to outright abusive ones.

Emotional abuse

Verbal abuse is the most common form of emotional abuse. Still, identifying emotional abuse can sometimes be challenging since it often lacks the clearly visible signs that physical abuse can have. However, some key indicators to look for include:

• Criticism or demeaning comments
• Feeling constantly afraid of upsetting the other person
• Feeling belittled in overt or subtle ways
• This person demanding all your time and attention
• This person trying to control various aspects of your life
• Feeling isolated from friends and family because of this person
• Gaslighting

Physical abuse

Physical abuse may manifest as your partner inflicting bodily harm, such as hitting, slapping, pushing, or restraining you against your will. It's important to remember that everyone has the right to personal safety and physical integrity. Physical violence is never justified, regardless of the situation or the relationship. If you're experiencing physical abuse, consider seeking help immediately from a trusted individual and/or professional services.

Examples of toxic behaviors related to physical abuse may include:

• Hitting, kicking, or choking
• Threatening with weapons
• Destroying belongings in fits of anger
• Coercion via threats of harm 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

What to do if you’re in a toxic relationship

Again, if you recognize signs of abuse of any kind in your relationship, it’s recommended that you take action for your own safety. The hotline above may help you make a plan to safely leave. Know that it’s also okay to leave even if the relationship isn’t abusive. If interactions are consistently unpleasant and you find yourself feeling unhappy more often than not, you have the right to move on. 

So what if you're in a romantic relationship that you believe is fundamentally good but may have developed some toxic elements? If you want to stay and work on things together and feel it’s safe to do so, there are a few tips that might be helpful. First, it’s usually important to speak about your concerns honestly and openly with the other person. Telling them what’s bothering you about any unhealthy dynamics and expressing your desire to work together to improve in those areas can be a powerful start. 

Next, setting boundaries is usually important as well. This process involves defining what you are and are not comfortable with in a relationship, as you both may have different perspectives on what you consider bad behavior. 

Finally, self-care strategies, such as spending time with family and maintaining strong friendships, may also be key if you’re in a relationship with toxic tendencies. It can be hard to look at your own relationship objectively sometimes, so it may be helpful to reach out to your support network of trusted family members or a close friend who can discuss their observations and voice any concerns.  

Seeking mental health support for relationship challenges 

A therapist can provide additional support as you navigate challenges related to relationships. This includes helping you understand the warning signs of toxic behavior, the importance of maintaining mental health, and the impact of conditions like bipolar disorder on relationship dynamics. 

Therapy sessions can provide a safe space for open dialogue, help identify any potentially harmful patterns, help you heal from past experiences, and assist you in strengthening skills that are often required for participating in healthy relationships, such as communication and boundary-setting. Therapy can also facilitate your exploration of your own feelings, potentially leading to greater self-awareness and a more authentic and present way of showing up in relationships of all kinds.

Speaking openly about your relationships can feel vulnerable, so some people may be hesitant to meet with a therapist in person for this purpose. In such cases, online therapy can represent a more comfortable option for many. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can speak with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging—all from the comfort of your own home. Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as traditional in-person sessions, so you can generally feel confident in choosing whichever format you prefer.