My Girlfriend Hates Me, How Can I Fix Things With Her?

Updated January 31, 2023by BetterHelp Editorial Team

If you’ve noticed a change in your girlfriend’s attitude towards you, you might be wondering what happened. Relationships are complicated, and not having clear communication strategies can make them more confusing. The best solution is likely to set aside time to directly talk about what changed, but it can also be helpful to consider why you believe your girlfriend is upset, her reasons for being upset, and if therapy might help improve your relationship. 

: Relationships Can Be Confusing

How To Address Negative Feelings In Your Relationship

If you are experiencing unrequited love, and your girlfriend does not seem as interested in your relationship as you are, it may be time to consider whether the relationship has reached its natural end. However, in some cases, you may be interpreting your girlfriends’ behaviors as hatred when there’s really something else going on. The following tips are intended to help you identify what’s wrong and facilitate constructive conversations about your relationship: 

  • Start With Introspection

Insecurity, mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and low self-esteem can make it feel as though your girlfriend hates you. If you’re a highly sensitive person, it may be that you need more reassurance to feel confident in your relationship. 

Discover what’s triggering you to think your girlfriend hates you and consider whether there are other explanations for her behaviors. If you think you may be projecting negative emotions onto your girlfriend, you could use journaling or meditation to process your feelings. It can be helpful to talk about how you’re feeling with your girlfriend, and/or seek advice from a friend, family, or licensed mental health professional. 

  • Talk To Her

Through vulnerable and honest communication, you can talk to your girlfriend about the change you’ve noticed. Consider using the following suggestions to have more a productive conversation: 

  • Ask to have your conversation in a discreet manner and away from distractions (like phones, video games, pets, and children).

  • Be clear about what you want to convey. 

  • Use “I” language to communicate how you feel without assigning blame. For example, instead of saying, “Why do you hate me?”, consider saying, “When you don’t talk to me after work, I feel insecure about our relationship.” 

  • Listen as much as you talk.

  • Don’t think about your response while your girlfriend is talking. 

  • Try to keep your voice at a normal talking level because loud voices can escalate emotions

  • Ask to take a break from the conversation for a few minutes if emotions escalate and you might say something you’ll later regret. 

Effective communication is difficult, but with practice it can become easier. If you’re both committed to improving your relationship, you can consider using communication worksheets. If you’re still struggling to communicate, a couple’s therapist can help.  

  • Take Accountability For Wrongdoings

If you’ve done something hurtful to trigger your girlfriends change in behavior, you should consider offering a genuine apology. According to Dr. Karina Schuman, effective apologies are important even if they’re difficult to give. She recommends accepting accountability for wrongdoing, acknowledging harm you’ve caused, and empathizing with her experience without expecting forgiveness. Depending on how much your actions harmed the relationship, it is possible that she will not be able to forgive you. But, giving her space to reflect on your actions and your apology can demonstrate your sincerity.  

  • Put Yourself In Her Shoes

There are many reasons your girlfriend may be acting differently than she used to. Anger and hatred may be secondary emotions of fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, embarrassment, sadness, hurt, worry, jealousy, or betrayal. Alternatively, your girlfriend may be experiencing something that has nothing to do with you, such as stress from work, trauma, or underlying psychiatric disorders.

For example, work stress can lead to projection. Alexandra Katehakis, Ph.D., explains that when left unaddressed, work stress can be misdirected at loved ones. If you haven’t done anything to upset your girlfriend, it’s possible that she’s projecting her negative emotions onto you. If this is the case, you can let your girlfriend know how it makes you feel, and you can suggest having a daily or weekly check-in to talk about the things that are bothering her outside of your relationship. 

  • Go To Counseling

Couple’s therapists can teach you and your girlfriend about healthier communication skills, and research shows that couples therapy can effectively improve relationship satisfaction and reduce negative feelings. Additionally, therapy conducted with both partners present is more effective at addressing relationship concerns. 

For some couples, it can be uncomfortable to talk about relationship challenges with a therapist. A 2020 study found that couples reported feeling more comfortable discussing their emotions in online therapy because of the physical distance from their counselor. Additional studies show that virtual couples therapy, which is offered through sites like BetterHelp, can effectively improve mental health and relationship satisfaction. 

: Relationships Can Be Confusing

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If your girlfriend is not interested in maintaining your relationship, there may not be much you can do to save it. However, reflecting on your perceptions about your girlfriend, having honest conversations with her, genuinely apologizing for wrongdoings, and consulting with a licensed therapist can help you both understand what’s driving the change in your relationship. For couples who are unsure about trying therapy, online therapy can be more approachable and it’s shown to be effective at improving relationships and mental health.

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