Should I Talk To My Ex? Handling Post-Breakup Communication
Relationships can be complicated. No matter how healthy, each relationship may come with unique challenges, setbacks, or breakups. In some cases, relationships end, and you may get to a point when you desire to reach out to or reconnect with your ex.
If you've experienced a breakup, it can be normal to think about your ex. However, whether you're ready to reconnect can be a significant decision, and if you are asking, “Should I contact my ex?” you may want to consider a few factors first.
Should I talk to my ex again? Why people want to contact their exes
As human beings, it can be challenging to manage the pain of a breakup. Reaching out to your ex may be tempting, even though it may get in the way of the healing process.
Common emotional drivers
Breaking up with someone can feel challenging, and you or your ex-partner may feel deeply hurt, whether the decision is mutual or not. Many may know that losing someone can stir up negative emotions and cause significant pain. You may have broken up for a healthy reason, or perhaps your lives or desires weren't compatible.
It can be difficult for us to imagine moving forward after a relationship ends and accept that our former partner may not be the person to help us through it. When speaking to your ex becomes a possibility, though, you may want to consider several options. Think about how your relationship ended. If you experienced a respectful, mutual parting, talking to your ex may be a healthy choice. If it was a separation due to abuse, unhealthy patterns, or painful emotions, it might not be the best idea to text your ex or contact them in any way.
Practical reasons people reach out
Some former partners may have shared responsibilities that required them to communicate. For example, if you and your ex co-parent or have to work out details about living arrangements, the time immediately after a breakup can be particularly challenging. In these situations, it can be beneficial to try to keep emotions out of the conversation as much as possible, using a business-like tone to work through the necessary details.
Because each relationship can be unique, deciding to talk to your ex can be a complex issue. Many people may wonder how to talk to their ex since it might not be a simple thing to do in the first place. Evaluate your relationship, needs, and boundaries before making a choice.
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How much time should you wait before contacting an ex?
While there may be some general guidelines to keep in mind, it can be important to remember that the following timelines are only suggestions. When or if you should resume communicating with an ex depends on the circumstances of the breakup, your emotional readiness, and whether communication will have a negative impact on your mental health.
Short waits
In some cases, exes may start talking again after a few weeks. This time period may be more appropriate after short-term relationships or mutual, low-conflict breakups.
Medium waits
Some people may find that up to six months or a year may be more beneficial. This period of time can give you more space to heal, which can help you develop a clearer perspective and allow emotions to settle before reaching out.
Long waits
After a high-conflict or intense breakup, it can be beneficial to wait an extended period before considering talking to your ex. For some people, it can take years to feel emotionally safe to make contact.
No contact: Benefits and common pitfalls
Going no contact means cutting off all communication with your ex. In some cases, this approach may be necessary to support the healing process; in others, it may make things worse.
Benefits of going no contact
Having no contact with an ex can help you focus on moving on after the relationship. Because you’re limiting exposure to reminders of the past, you can focus on regaining clarity and taking care of yourself. Being able to avoid constant emotional turmoil can help with the healing process and moving forward.
When no contact can make things worse
When no contact is used as a form of punishment, manipulation, or avoidance instead of as a way to focus on healing, it can be a bad idea. In cases where former partners have shared responsibilities or unsolved logistics about living arrangements and financial concerns, no contact can make things worse.
How to decide whether to reach out
Deciding whether to reach out to an ex can be less about making sure enough time has passed and more about what the intention is and whether you’re emotionally ready. Here are some things that can help you decide.
Questions to ask before you contact your ex
Ask yourself a few questions before deciding whether talking to your ex is healthy for your overall well-being.
- How did the relationship end?
- How much time has passed?
- Why do you want to reach out?
- What do you want to happen?
- Are you in a safe place?
- Do you feel that reaching out is the healthiest option?
- How will you feel if you don't get the reaction you're hoping for?
- Are you reaching out because you feel lonely?
- Is there something else that may bring you the same feeling as talking to your ex?
- How would talking to your ex improve your situation?
Consider what might happen after you reach out as well. If the attempt to connect goes well, what are you hoping for? Will you have an extended conversation? How do you hope to leave the interaction? What if they don’t have a positive response? Can you keep the interaction business-like? These questions can help you determine whether you truly want to reconnect.
Safe ways to reconnect if both people are ready
Reconnecting can work best when both people are ready, and with the goal of seeing if healthy communication is possible after some time has passed. When reaching out for the first time, it can be beneficial to focus on being respectful and maintaining clear boundaries. Open and honest communication can help in the healing process, but only if both people are ready.
Low-risk first messages and establishing boundaries
When first reaching out, it can be difficult to know what to say. Brief, low-stakes messages that welcome but do not ask for a positive response can be a place to start. For example, you might choose to send a text that reads:
- Hi, I’m just checking in. If now isn’t a good time, I understand. Take all the space you need.
- I’m not interested in rehashing anything, but I just wanted to check in and say hello.
- No need to respond if this isn’t a good time. I know you’re busy doing your own thing, but I just wanted to say hello.
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When staying away is the healthier choice
In some cases, even if you feel like enough time has passed, talking to your ex can be a bad idea, potentially making things worse instead of helping you move forward. In situations that involve damaging behavior like abuse, manipulation, or stalking, moving forward safely may mean taking more space to work through the pain of the relationship.
Was it an abusive or unhealthy relationship?
If you were in a toxic, abusive, or manipulative relationship, you might decide against contacting your ex. These qualities could carry from a romantic relationship to a platonic one. Additionally, those impacted by abuse may feel a need to turn to past abusive partners due to the cycle of abuse. Cutting off communication and ensuring you're in a safe and healthy environment can be vital.
If your relationship was healthy and blossomed from an existing friendship, staying in contact can still prove tricky, as you may have already created space in your brain for this person romantically. Moving on may feel more challenging if they are still in your life.
How to move forward
While the healing process can take time, taking actionable steps to care for yourself can help you begin to move forward over the weeks and months after the breakup.
Practical daily actions to speed healing
Some practical things you can try to work on healing can include:
- Focusing on self-improvement by learning a new hobby, journaling, spending time with friends and family, or going to therapy
- Establishing a regular daily routine
- Engaging in physical activity every day
- Eating regular, balanced meals
- Prioritizing sleep
Timeline expectations
Healing can look different for everyone. Some people may start to feel better after only a few weeks; others may take up to six months to start feeling more positive. In some cases, it can take years to fully move on. If you are having a difficult time getting over a breakup and it is impacting your happiness and ability to function in daily life, consider talking to a therapist.
Online therapy for relationship advice
No matter your reason for leaving a relationship, if you're experiencing urges to start talking or reconnect in ways you do not determine healthy for your overall well-being, it may be time to reach out for support. A therapist may remind you why you left or help you chart the pros and cons of reconnecting and how to engage in open and honest communication, how to use a business-like tone, and how to cope if you do not receive a positive response.
After a breakup, if you're struggling to leave home or keep up with appointments, that can be normal. Services like online couples therapy exist to remove barriers to treatment for those who want help. Additionally, studies show that online therapy can significantly benefit those feeling lonely or isolated after a breakup or due to mental health challenges.
Getting started with BetterHelp is simple:
- Take a short questionnaire. Answer a few quick questions about your goals, preferences, and the type of therapist you’d like to work with.
- Get matched quickly. In most cases, you can be matched with a licensed provider in as little as 48 hours.
- Start therapy on your terms. Schedule sessions by video, phone, or live chat, and join from anywhere you have an internet connection.
Finding the right therapist isn’t just important – it’s everything.
Find your matchTakeaway
Breakups often occur for a reason. Although it may be difficult, focusing on your health and growth might limit your desire to reach out to an ex. Connecting with a therapist is one way to focus on your personal growth. Consider taking the first step on a platform like BetterHelp.
Can ex-lovers be friends?
Whether ex-lovers can remain friends after a breakup is often a matter of opinion and personal circumstances. If you have been in a relationship with someone and both agree that you are better off as friends instead of lovers, it may be possible to remain friends.
However, you and your ex may consider your feelings about the friendship to decide whether it's best to remain friends or completely disconnect. If you and your ex decide to be friends, establish boundaries within the friendship and try to be respectful of each other's feelings if either of you begins to feel that remaining friends was not the best idea.
Will no contact make my ex move on?
Going "no contact" may mean not speaking to someone any longer. You might block their profiles, ignore their messages, or publicly avoid them. Utilizing this strategy to get your ex to move on may or may not work.
If your ex still loves you or hopes to reconnect, they may feel they are "waiting" for you to reach out. Instead of ignoring him, consider letting him know you're not interested in speaking or interacting with him anymore before you go no contact.
Is it healthy to keep in touch with an ex?
Keeping in touch with an ex can be healthy in some situations. It may depend on why your relationship ended and what you intend to do as friends. However, if you constantly think of your ex and feel you cannot move on from them, keeping in touch might not be healthy until you can stop feeling romantic feelings toward them.
If you were friends beforehand and a relationship didn't work out, it might feel natural to return to being friends. However, if you're trying to be friends in hopes of getting back together, the situation may not end how you hope. If you broke up for a healthy reason, staying friends could make it hard to keep to your decision.
If you see your ex as a secondary option or a backup to being alone, this may not be a healthy mindset. Your ex may deserve someone who loves them and commits to them if that is what they want.
How long before you should talk to your ex after a breakup?
You may want to wait at least 30 days before you speak to your ex after a breakup. You might wait longer if you were together for a few years or more and broke up.
Often, a few months to a year can be a suitable amount of time to wait for many individuals. If you're still upset about your breakup, give yourself as much time as you need to feel comfortable. You do not have to talk to your ex again if you don't want to.
How do I stop wanting to talk to my ex?
If you struggle to stop thinking about your ex, it may mean you haven't processed the emotions from your relationship or your breakup. You may still love your ex and could've gotten into another relationship too soon or pushed yourself to ignore your emotions for a while.
Studies show that suppressing your emotions can have mental and physical consequences. Therefore, discussing your feelings with a therapist or writing them in a journal could be beneficial. Try to let out any thoughts or feelings on paper whenever a thought about your ex arises.
If you feel a judgmental thought about your feelings, try to dispel it. It can be normal to still love your ex for a long time after your breakup. It doesn't necessarily mean that you want to be with them or won't stop loving them someday. You may find that processing and validating your emotions helps you release them.
What is the 3-3-3 rule and how can it help after a breakup?
The 3-3-3 rule can be considered a general guideline for how people process the end of some relationships, usually those that lasted a year or less. This rule proposes that it takes 3 days to let all your emotions out, 3 weeks to actively reflect on the relationship, and 3 months to rebuild, heal, and move on. It can be helpful to remember that this is just a guideline and not a timeline to aim for.
Is it worth getting back with an ex?
Whether it is worth getting back with an ex can highly depend on the factors that led to the breakup in the first place. Some relationships may end because of timing or external circumstances. When these things resolve, former partners may be able to make the relationship work. However, in relationships where there were repeated patterns of disrespect, or dishonesty, or if only one partner is willing to do the work to fix it, the relationship may not be worth restarting.
How should I talk to my ex after no contact?
Before considering talking to your ex after no contact, it may help to take some time to reflect on why you went no contact in the first place and why you want to talk to them again. Reaching out to make yourself feel better or to get reassurance from them may not be the best justification. When reaching out for the first time, it may be worth keeping things low-pressure and not demanding a response. Stay neutral, and avoid rehashing the past.
What are signs my ex wants to talk again for the right reasons?
Some signs that your ex may want to talk again for the right reasons are that they are behaving in a calm, respectful manner, they explain their intentions clearly, they take responsibility for their past actions, and they respect your peace and emotional safety.
When is contacting an ex a bad idea?
Here are some signs that contacting your ex may be a bad idea:
- You’re doing it because you are anxious or lonely.
- Your relationship involved abuse, disrespect, or manipulation.
- You’re looking for reassurance.
- The reasons for the breakup are still present.
- You’re ignoring their boundaries, or they’re ignoring yours.
- You’ve been stuck in an on-again/off-again cycle for an extended period of time with no changes.
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