What Should I Do When My Boyfriend Ignores Me?

Relationships can be confusing, especially if you and your boyfriend experience difficulty communicating effectively. In these cases, it can be helpful to examine some of the possible explanations of why your boyfriend might be ignoring you—which can help you to determine the best possible actions to take to address the situation. 

If you and your boyfriend are both willing to work on improving communication strategies, but you don’t know where to start, investing in a few sessions with a couple’s counselor may be helpful. 

Below, we’ve listed possible causes and supportive strategies that couples can consider that can directly affect communication, possibly reinforcing healthier habits.

The (possible) rationale behind the “silent treatment”

It can be helpful to realize that there can be several reasons why your boyfriend may be ignoring you. For example, the habit can develop unintentionally, as a passive strategy to avoid direct communication, or possibly as a manipulative strategy. While it can be difficult to confidently determine why your boyfriend is ignoring you, you can consider any of the following reasons below that could be contributing to the behavior. 

He is distracted or overwhelmed by things happening in his personal life

Positive (or negative) major life events can be distracting. For example: If your boyfriend’s family is sick, if he’s experiencing a mental health crisis, or if he has a big project coming up at work, he may not be intentionally ignoring you—he could just be preoccupied. 

Having an open discussion can help you and your boyfriend determine if he’s too busy for a committed relationship at this point (which can be a valid reason to leave a relationship), or if he’s able to set aside routine time to spend together to pour into your needs as well as his own. 

 Open communication can enable both of you to ask for what you need, including personal space and time to take care of mental health needs. 

He needs time to gather his thoughts

If you and your boyfriend are engaging in an emotionally charged argument, he may ask to take a moment to gather his thoughts. When arguments become unproductive, it can be helpful for both partners to take time to “cool off.”  When used correctly, this strategy can reduce the likelihood that you or your partner will say something harmful. 

However, if your boyfriend has a habit of leaving in the middle of arguments without saying a word, it can be helpful to establish the appropriate language to come ahead of his departure, such as, “I need to take a few minutes to gather my thoughts, and then we can return to this conversation”. 

Taking the steps to create, acknowledge, and say this script can help you or others avoid feeling abandoned. All individuals involved in the relationship deserve to feel respected and safe in their interactions with each other, and notifying partners where someone is going before leaving an argument can help facilitate this..

He feels claustrophobic in the relationship

If you ask your boyfriend why he’s being distant, he might tell you that the relationship can feel like an overwhelming part of his personal life. 

If he does feel this way, it can be helpful to remember that you may be able to work together to set aside alone time, social time with other people, and time for individual activities. These activities can help to address his needs and can possibly help him to feel less overwhelmed.   

He’s using silence as a manipulation strategy 

Silence can activate the anterior cingulate cortex, which is regarded by many to be the same part of the brain responsible for causing physical pain. Some people might be aware of this based on their own psychological experiences with parents or other people in their lives—which can prompt some people to use silence to make them feel “bad” or guilty. 

The silent treatment can cause long-term stress and emotional strain that can constitute emotional abuse, which can be a type of domestic violence. 

He doesn’t want to have tough conversations, or he might be “ghosting” 

Ghosting is defined by many as a practice where someone suddenly stops communicating and leaves your relationship without providing any answers. Ghosting can harm self-esteem and cause physical and emotional pain for those involved. 

 The best solution for many, in this context, might be to move on from that person and try to focus on improving your own self-esteem. You can also reach out to friends, family, or your therapist to talk about it. 

Talk to your boyfriend about your relationship

You might not be able to fully understand your boyfriend’s reasons for ignoring you without talking to him about it. The first step in addressing this behavior for many is to set up a time to voice your concerns and try to understand why they could be ignoring you. You can reduce the likelihood of the conversation becoming defensive or argumentative by learning a few strategies for more effective communication, which we’ve listed below: 

• If you find it difficult to organize your thoughts during open conversations, it can be helpful to write down a list of examples of times you were ignored and how it made you feel.
• You can try using “’I’ statements to express how you feel, generally without placing blame or expressing feelings as facts. For example, instead of telling your boyfriend, “You always ignore my texts because you don’t want to be with me”, you could say, “When you don’t text me back, I feel worried and insecure about our relationship.”
• You can slow down and listen to your boyfriend while he’s speaking to ensure that no assumptions are being made. 
• You can acknowledge what your boyfriend is saying and can ask questions to understand how he feels. 
• You can keep voices at a normal talking level. 
• You can try to understand how your partner likes to communicate, and how you can both communicate more effectively.

After this conversation, you may be able to come up with possible solutions together. For example: You might want to set aside routine time to check in on each other’s feelings, make time for personal space or consider visiting with a couple’s counselor who can help you develop better communication strategies. 

Can online therapy help couples experience more fulfilling relationships?

According to many research studies, psychotherapy can reduce emotional distress, teach couples about healthier communication and conflict-resolution strategies, and improve satisfaction in the relationship for both partners. You and your boyfriend might consider psychotherapy if: 

• Either partner might be using the silent treatment to avoid communication or cause harm.
• It seems challenging to communicate clearly and effectively.
• You’re having frequent arguments, especially if they escalate to yelling and/or hurt feelings. 
• Seemingly small arguments blow up into larger arguments often. 
• You feel disconnected.
• You are worried about the relationship. 
• You want to learn how to improve a relationship you already consider to be healthy. 

 According to a 2022 study, online therapy is generally as effective as in-person therapy, showing comparable results in certain positive engagement outcomes — such as improved relationship satisfaction seen in either partner. Another study found information that suggests that online therapy from sites like BetterHelp can be less expensive, easier to schedule, and may be less likely to have waiting lists than in-person therapy. 

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