Why Do I Miss Him So Much? Is It Healthy To Do So?
By: Joy Youell
Updated February 04, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Audrey Kelly, LMFT
Breakups can be difficult. Sometimes they are the right choice. Even then, though, they can bring pain and second guessing. Whether you or your partner initiated the breakup, difficult feelings can persist. It is important to practice self-care and patience during the season of recovery from a breakup. There are many ways to cope and move on to a new phase in life and even a new, healthy relationship.
Why Does Breaking Up Hurt?
Romantic relationships are intimate by nature. These kinds of relationships are full of spending time together, sharing, and physical affection. Breakups hurt for many reasons. Some of those reasons, and how to cope, are explored in this article.
Breaking up is not always a negative action. There are several reasons people break up. Sometimes a relationship has simply run its course. Other times, people have grown apart. Or there may have been betrayal or harm inflicted. The reasons for and responses to these varied circumstances each require unique consideration.
Breaking Up For Good
There are times when breaking up is the right choice for both parties. There may be new life elements, such as geographical or lifestyle changes, that merit the parting of ways. While you both may agree that the nature of your relationship needs to change, this kind of breakup can still be painful. Romance and companionship that has been relied on will likely be lost. Before the relationship is recovered from, there maybe a season of mourning during which you need to activate self-care and engage in other supportive relationships. Even though it's hard, breaking up for the mutual benefit of both parties is generally the least painful way to end a relationship.
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Breaking Up For Bad
Sometimes a relationship is simply unhealthy. This may involve a variety of dynamics, which range in severity from incompatibility to abuse. A toxic relationship has to be ended. In these relationships, there is often a power imbalance. It may also be that negative communication, including berating, name-calling or putdowns, are being weaponized and used for harm. Harm can also be inflicted through emotional manipulation and physical violence. These relationships are clearly negative, but can still be hard to leave. It is important that you honor your own well-being and break up with your partner if they treat you disrespectfully. If you are experiencing abuse, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Breaking Up Mutually
Even if there are no significantchanges, lifestyle alterations, or negative incidents, some relationships simply don't last. The realization that a relationship is over could be evidenced by a lack of interest or growing apart. Preferring other people's company and a mild dislike for your partner are signs that you need to address these concerns and decide whether it might be the right time to move on. While this scenario is especially challenging due to lack of clarity about what the right thing to do is, it is vital that you engage in life practices and relationships that contribute to your well-being and growth. If a relationship no longer does so, it may be time to move on.
The Days After A Breakup
Breaking up can be done compassionately and with care for everyone involved. Whether it is done in a healthy way or causes great harm, the days after a breakup can be filled with a myriad of emotions. You may feel confused, regretful, resentful, bitter, angry, fearful, or relieved. You may feel all of those things at different times during a given day. It is likely that you will revisit memories and rehearse the breakup conversation. It is important to guard your mental well-being during this vulnerable time. There are some ways that you can exercise important self-care:
- Be patient with yourself. Don't hurry through the pain or try to ignore what you feel. Engage with your feelings in a respectful and healthy way so you can heal.
- Set new goals. These may be "baby steps" at first, and can include simple things like running errands or finding a new gym. Consider how your life will change, and take positive steps toward your future.
- Move. It isn't necessary to move out of town or move into another relationship, but you should move. Move by working, exercising, and/or going out with friends. Move by cleaning, reading, and journaling. Move in the way that best enables you to reflect and adjust to a different version of life.
- Gather support. Enlisting the support of people you trust is an important part of this new phase in your life. Don't be ashamed of your vulnerability. Ask for help. Ask for hugs. Allow yourself to talk and process. If you don't have a support system like this, you may want to reach out to a mental health professional.
BetterHelp Can Help
There may come a time after your breakup when you feel let downor unable to move on. If you have exhausted your support system and are beginning to feel sad or lonely, a counselor can help. Whether you need to vent or process or both, a counselor will be able to offer the right level of care and support to assist you as you move into the next phaseof your life.
A growing number of studies point to online counseling as an effective method of helping individuals deal with complicated emotions after a breakup or divorce. In a study published in Trials—the peer-reviewed medical journal—researchers outlined the potential efficacy of online therapy in helping those experiencing separation, bereavement, or divorce. In similar studies, researchers have concluded that online therapy could significantly reduce feelings of grief, depression, embitterment, and loneliness, and increase overall quality of life. Online therapy provides individuals with therapist-guided counseling, along with remote access to helpful tools, such as messaging or educational resources, allowing them to work on specific topics outside of sessions.
Because BetterHelp has thousands of counselors and therapists, from all over the US (and beyond), you’re not limited to only those mental health professionals that operate in your area. With more options, you’ll have a better chance of matching with someone who understands your situation and knows exactly how to help you move forward. The qualified therapists at BetterHelp can help ensure you’re processing a breakup in the healthiest way possible. Read below for counselor reviews, from those who have experienced similar issues.
"I've tried other counselors that I liked but didn't seem right for me but Margaret has been amazing! I love her honesty, compassion, and realness! It was really easy to open up to her and she's helped me get through a very tough breakup that nobody else could seem to get me through. I would recommend her to anyone! She makes it so comfortable to talk to her as if you've known her for forever!"
"Brenda has been a lifeline to me in a very difficult time. In one month she has helped support me through quitting alcohol, partaking in self care and helping me through the process of a breakup. She asks the questions that your friends won't, a real chance to understand what's happening to you as well as being able to evaluate it healthily. Brenda also gave me very good practical advice on how to manage my anxiety and how to handle those first few days of a breakup which can feel impossible. I've loved that I can message her whenever I get those awful feelings and she usually responds pretty quickly. You can also schedule weekly phone sessions which have also been helpful some weeks when I've really been really struggling."
Moving past a breakup can be empowering. You canuncover newfound strength you didn't know you had. You can learn about yourself and refine your goals and desires. However, seeing a breakup as an opportunity may be difficult. A counselor can provide the help you need to view your circumstances with a fresh perspective. Especially after a difficult breakup, talking to someone who understands mental health may be the best decision you can make. Take the first step today.
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