Reasons You May Need So Much Reassurance In A Relationship

Modern relationships can be complex and challenging to navigate. You’re not alone if you experience “rough patches” in your relationships, where connection, closeness, and security fluctuate. In some cases, a person’s own feelings of anxiety may interfere with connection and self-esteem. While healthy relationships may involve occasional moments where reassurance is given freely, seeking constant reassurance can be unhealthy. Still, some people find it challenging to experience true feelings of security in their relationships and may seek or need constant reassurance, potentially due to factors such as low self-confidence or negative past experiences. 

Those who constantly seek reassurance may have lower-quality personal relationships than those who are confident that their relationship is stable. However, for those fo feel insecure, reducing the amount of reassurance a person desires and increasing emotional security may be possible. For most people, learning to become more secure in a relationship—or recognizing when to leave—may lead to more stable and fulfilling romantic partnerships and improved mental health.  

Reassurance in relationships: Why do people seek reassurance in a relationship?

Seeking occasional reassurance in a relationship may be normal. However, frequent reassurance-seeking behaviors can be harmful to a connection. When a partner constantly asks for reassurance or needs constant validation, it may indicate that they are insecure, in a low-quality relationship, do not feel valued, or lack a secure attachment style. For example, in past personal experiences, they may have actively sought to confirm their partner's interest and ensure that their partner cares. When partners need constant reassurance it can also be a sign of self-doubt or a lack of emotional security in their life. 

In some cases, reassurance-seeking is a compulsion connected to a mental health condition like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder, and other conditions. A lack of self-worth, low self-esteem, misaligned love languages, and different attachment styles can also play significant roles. People who have experienced past trauma or loss may feel insecure in relationships and they may feel like their partner or friend could leave them.  

The difference between healthy and unhealthy reassurance

In personal relationships, needing occasional reassurance is common and can be a healthy way to connect. When occassional reassurance becomes more constant or frequent, it may be a sign that it is becoming unhealthy. Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy reassurance can improve self-esteem and mental health.

Healthy reassurance

Seeking healthy reassurance can be an important part of self-care and a way for two people to provide mutual support. No two people may process reassurance in the same way, which is why using effective communication skills is an important part of providing health reassurance. Common characteristics include: 

• Coming from a place of curiosity or need for genuine clarity.
• Being able to move on after reassurance.  
• Strengthening a relationship due to open communication. 
• A reduction in anxiety over time.

Unhealthy reassurance

Although a person may have their partner’s best interests in mind when providing or asking for reassurance, important nuances or characteristics can change healthy reasurrance into unhealthy reassurance. Some characteristics of unhealthy reassurance may include: 

• Reassurance that is driven by fear or compulsion, not curiosity. 
• Frequently checking with a partner to see if a decision is the right one. 
• Provides temporary relief but reinforces long-term anxiety. 
• Can create dependency and strain relationships. 

Common Triggers That Lead to Seeking Reassurance

While each person is different and no two relationships are the same, there are some common triggers that may lead to seeking reassurance. These can include the following: 

• Fear of rejection or abandonment–People who have experienced inconsistent affection or emotional neglect as a child or in a previous friendship or romantic relationship may feel insecure and seek frequent reassurance that others are not upset at them and are not thinking about leaving. 
• Past trauma–A person with a history of trauma may struggle to trust their perceptions of other people’s intentions. This may lead to frequent checking in or asking for comfort. 
• Anxiety or uncertainty–People living with an anxiety disorder or who are experiencing temporary anxiety may be feeling overwhelmed with everyday life. This can cause a constant need to validate feelings or decisions. 
• Low self-esteem or self-doubt–People who have low self-esteem may experience high levels of self-doubt. They may not trust their emotions or thoughts and seek confirmation from others. 
• Guilt–A person may feel overly responsible for others’ emotions or worry that they have done something wrong or upset someone unintentionally. Feelings of guilt can cause a person to frequently ask questions like, “Are you mad at me?”

What is a low-quality partnership with reassurance-seeking in relationships?

Low-quality relationships can be defined differently for everyone, but some common themes may lead to insecurity, such as the following:

• One partner disregards the feelings of the other partner
• One partner is overly critical
• There’s no open communication or emotional support
• There’s an underlying sense of hostility
• Certain needs aren’t being met in your relationship

When these factors are present in a relationship, it can be challenging to believe you're loved and supported. In this case, each person may evaluate their relationship and recognize whether their needs are being met. If you’re in a relationship that you consider low-quality due to your partner's actions, it may be helpful to evaluate whether the relationship serves your mental and emotional needs. 

An emotionally manipulative or abusive relationship can also leave no room for security and stability, especially for those who are constantly needing reassurance. If your partner controls you, emotionally manipulates you, physically harms you, or causes you to doubt your perception of reality consistently, it may be crucial to learn the warning signs of abusive relationships. If you think your relationship is abusive, asking for reassurance can be a sign that you are being abused. Consider whether staying in the relationship is in your best interest. If you need help leaving, resources are available. 

Contrarily, if your partner behaves in a manner consistent with a healthy relationship, and you know you want the relationship to continue, it may be helpful to evaluate your attachment style. Insecure attachment styles may be a source of relationship difficulties. Attachment styles are based on attachment theory, a well-supported theory in developmental psychology. 

How childhood shapes reassurance in adult relationships

Attachment theory was developed in the mid-20th century by John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst. Bowlby wasn’t a couple’s counselor or an expert in adult relationships, but instead spent his time working with young children. He observed that many children would become distressed when separated from their caregivers, often going to significant lengths to reestablish proximity to an absent parent. Bowlby speculated that attachment behaviors, such as crying and searching for their caregiver, were adaptive evolutionary responses to ensure that the child remained near their primary source of defense and security. 

Childhood and its impact on relationship attachment

Bowlby theorized that humans develop an attachment behavioral system at a young age to ensure they are safe and secure. According to Bowlby, the attachment system essentially “asks” the following question: Is an attachment figure nearby, reachable, and attentive? If the answer is “yes,” the child may know they are loved and secure. If the answer is “no,” the child experiences distress and may engage in insecure attachment behaviors. 

Years later, another scientist, Mary Ainsworth, expanded on Bowlby’s early observations related to attachment. She developed a specific research method called the “strange situation,” wherein young children and their caregivers are systematically separated and reunited in a laboratory setting. The unusual situation enabled Ainsworth to quantify attachment behaviors and their differences between young children. Her work led to the identification of three distinct attachment types: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant. A fourth attachment style, disorganized attachment (a mixture of anxious and avoidant), was added later. 

Secure children became upset when separated from their caregivers but were easily soothed when they returned. Anxious-resistant children became extremely distressed upon separation and resisted their parents’ attempts to calm them. Avoidant children weren’t particularly distressed by the separation but actively avoided parental contact when reunited. Ainsworth’s early attachment styles were initially applied only to children, but her work laid the groundwork for later advances in adult attachment theory.

Adulthood attachment

In 1987, researchers Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver observed that many of the findings from early research on attachment theory also applied to adult romantic relationships. Hazan and Shaver argued that adult romantic relationships are attachments and are at least partially controlled by Bowlby’s attachment behavior system. If that were the case, it could mean that Ainsworth’s attachment types might also apply. 

Hazan and Shaver’s research, along with that of their contemporaries, delivered groundbreaking revelations to the fields of developmental, relationship, and social psychology. Evidence suggests that a person’s attachment style as a child may substantially impact how they select romantic partners, navigate relationships, and maintain security. Children with secure relationships with their parents were found to have healthy, well-adjusted romantic relationships, while children with anxious or avoidant attachments were more likely to experience relationship problems.

The four adult attachment types related to reassurance in relationships

Modern research has supported the assertion that human attachment can influence adult romantic relationships. However, the four attachment types described below are broad categories, and experts may measure attachment dimensionally rather than categorically. Despite this, the four attachment styles can help people understand how they perceive romantic relationships. 

Anxious attachment and reassurance within a relationship

If you seek a lot of reassurance in a relationship, you might have an anxious attachment style. Those with anxious attachment often have a negative self-view but a positive view of others. They might see their partner as their literal “better half” and deeply fear abandonment.

People with an anxious attachment style may also struggle to feel reassured and seek constant reassurance in a relationship regarding whether their partner loves them or whether everything is stable. Anxious attachment can cause clingy, demanding, and anxious behaviors. This style can lead to a desperate desire for reassurance.  

Avoidant attachment

Those with avoidant attachment often have a positive self-view and a negative view of others. They may not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and external validation. Adults with avoidant attachment often struggle to relate to their partner’s feelings and may question if someone who needs excessive reassurance is becoming dependent on them. 

Disorganized attachment

Those with disorganized attachment may oscillate between the features of anxious and avoidant attachment. They may seek frequent reassurance in relationships at one moment but become distant and withdrawn the next. People with disorganized attachment often struggle with emotional control and may struggle to trust others. They may also struggle to offer healthy reassurance to their partner. Although they often desire love and companionship, their fear of being hurt can lead them to avoid strong emotional attachments.

Secure attachment

Secure attachment is considered the “healthiest” attachment style. People who are securely attached often have high self-esteem and a positive view of others. Those securely attached to their partner enjoy spending time with them, but can also spend time alone easily. They may also be able to offer assurance to their partners without any trouble. If problems arise, they can be discussed with empathy and respect, as deeply rooted fears related to strong emotions often aren’t present. Adults with a secure attachment style can depend on their partner and aren’t afraid to let their partner rely on them when necessary. 

The “secret” fifth attachment type that counters reassurance-seeking in a relationship

While four types of attachment are often used to categorize adult attachment, it is also possible to have a style between categories or shift between them. Adults are capable of growth and change and may be able to confront insecure attachment styles. A person's relationship with their parents in childhood doesn’t define them in adulthood, but they may put in extra effort to achieve stability in romantic relationships. Those who put in the work might reach the fifth attachment type, earned secure attachment. 

Earned secure attachment may evolve from confronting childhood experiences and understanding how they impact adult perceptions of healthy romantic relationships. Those with an earned secure attachment type have often mastered self-love, can comfortably exist in relationships, and experience few fears about not being accepted. This attachment style is similar to secure attachment, with the main difference being that individuals with an earned secure attachment may have a more profound awareness of the childhood factors that influenced their attachment style. 

Excessive reassurance-seeking in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) affecting relationships

Attachment styles are a theory in psychology, and other mental health challenges can lead to reassurance-seeking behaviors. One of the most common causes of reassurance-seeking is OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder involves obsessive and intrusive thoughts that often cause a significant amount of fear for an individual. Due to these obsessions, people with OCD develop compulsive behaviors to cope. 

Reassurance-seeking is one of the most common compulsions in OCD, as it can be observed in various forms. For example, someone with health-based OCD may seek reassurance by searching for their symptoms online. Someone with checking OCD might seek reassurance by checking if they locked the door. People with relationship OCD may seek reassurance from friends, family members, and partners when anxious about whether people “hate them” or to see if they’ve done “something wrong” that they aren’t aware of. 

The difference between OCD reassurance seeking and that caused by anxious attachment is the presence of intrusive thoughts, often related to one’s morals. For example, someone might have violent images in their mind that they do not want or frequent thoughts that others can read their mind. These types of fears can cause the compulsive urge to seek reassurance, along with other compulsions, such as avoiding specific locations or ignoring texts to prevent the possibility of rejection. Despite the intensity of these thoughts, OCD is treatable, often with exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). 

How to Communicate Your Needs Effectively

Communication skills can play a key roll in bringing people in a relationship closer together and offering reassurance in a healthy way. Effective communication may start by actively listening and paying attention to your partner to understand their needs more clearly. In addition to listening, you can make your partner feel loved and cared for by providing reassurance in the form of verbal affirmations, physical affection, and thoughtful actions.

Effective communication also includes clear and intentional discussion of needs and wants. This allows both parties to let one another know what they desire in a relationship and how their partner can help. Healthy reassurance doesn’t always mean sitting down and having a deep conversation. In some cases, small gestures, like writing love notes on sticky notes, can help a couple stay connected. 

How to self-soothe when you feel overwhelmed

In a relationship there may be times when you feel overwhelmed by a situation. When you are feeling overwhelmed it can be beneficial to practice self-care or have some strategies to help you self-soothe in a healthy way. Practicing self-care strategies can increase emotional security, help a person feel valued, and lead to positive changes in mental health. 

Different people may prefer to use different self-soothing strategies to cope when overwhelmed or anxious. Some strategies may include: 

• Deep breathing techniques–Deep breathing techniques can help calm the body and mind when feeling anxious or overwhelmed. 
• Journaling–Writing down your own feelings can help a person change their perspective and look at challenges in a different way. It can also help a person identify their true feelings about a situation or person. 
• Meditation–Like deep breathing techniques, meditation can help relax the mind and body. It can also help a person focus their thoughts. 
• Exercise–Getting physical activity can be a way to reduce stress and anxiety. It has also been shown to increase emotional resilience.    

Balancing emotional needs in romantic relationships

In a romantic relationship both you and your partner may have different emotional needs. Balancing these needs can increase emotional connection help couples feel connected more intimately. There are many ways that couples can practice balancing their needs, positive ones include practicing active listening and engaging in conversation without judgment. 

Even when couples have mutual feelings of love and affection, there may still be challenges that require professional help. Relationship therapy can help couples develop communication skills to understand eachother more effectively and communication emotional needs. These professionals can help each partner express their needs and develop intentional practices to balance them with one another.     

When to Seek Professional Help or Relationship Therapy

It can be challenging to know exactly when to seek professional health or relationship therapy. If a couple in a romantic relationship is finding it challenging to communicate or implement positive changes, additional assistance may be helpful. Even if you are not sure if you need additional help there may be no harm in reaching out to a professional. 

A couples therapist or relationship therapist can provide couples with more support than an untrained person like a friend or family member. A therapist may help couples to improve communication skills, practice self-care, and improve overall mental health. They can help couples who may be feeling insecure about their relationship to build confidence and increase emotional connection. 

Support options for addressing reassurance concerns

Working with a therapist in couples or individual therapy sessions may be an essential part of developing secure attachment or coping with a mental illness. Licensed marriage counselors and family therapists, in particular, are trained in managing relationship challenges, including excessive reassurance seeking. 

While therapy can be effective, barriers to in-person care can arise, such as anxiety, cost, or distance. In such cases, online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples may be beneficial. A person can meet with an online therapist from the comfort of their own home and have access to more mental health professionals than are available in their local area. Online therapists have the same training and qualifications as traditional therapists and use the same evidence-based tools to help clients with relationship problems involving reassurance-seeking behaviors. 

Online therapy offers nearly as many techniques as traditional therapy, and evidence suggests it is as effective as in-person options. An online therapist might offer cognitive-behavioral therapy to address attachment issues, tapping into the root cause of why some relationships require ongoing reassurance. In some cases, they might recommend another therapeutic approach, especially for people with certain mental health conditions like OCD. 

Therapists may also provide strategies and guidance on relationship skills or other areas that attachment issues can impact. For example, they might teach mindful breathing and other relaxation techniques to stay in the present moment when experiencing attachment anxiety.