Why Do I Hate Who I Am?

Self-acceptance and self-love can be stepping stones to mental health and meaningful relationships. However, some people do not experience self-love. Instead, they may experience negative thoughts about their personalities, appearance, identity, or sexuality. These people may believe they hate themselves. 

The person individuals may become as adults can stem from the narratives constructed from what is heard from family, teachers, and classmates during the formative years. Understanding and restructuring these messages may help you pave the way to self-love.  

Learning to love yourself can begin at home

It can be challenging for an individual to learn to love themselves when they are told that who they are is loathsome. Family members, bullies, peers, or others can push these narratives on people from childhood. The first place in a child's life where they find acceptance is often home. However, this acceptance might not be offered to those who experience unhealthy or unsafe relationships.

Children may experience discrimination or unkindness from people at home for various reasons, whether due to their sexuality and gender identity, differences in personality, or generational traumas passed throughout the family. In some cases, parents may use an unhealthy parenting style, such as authoritarian parenting, which has been associated with lower self-esteem, as opposed to authoritative parenting, which is associated with higher self-esteem. 

When children grow up with unkind messages about them, they may internalize these messages as "facts." For example, suppose one's parent tells them they are dramatic and over-emotional. In that case, they may grow up to fear their own emotions, reject the emotional sensitivity of others, and call themselves "dramatic," leading to low self-esteem. 

The dangers of self-hatred

People do not come into the world hating themselves. Self-hatred is often a learned behavior that can be difficult to unlearn. Some people may hate their bodies, whereas others may hate a trait they grew up with that was often socially ostracized. 

How individuals feel about themselves can dictate their home, work, and social conduct. Individuals who loathe themselves often manifest these thoughts through anger, depression, or fear. They may act out violently at home or in other environments. Persons who have grown up unaccepted due to their sexuality or identity may be prone to taking sexual risks to find acceptance. They might also participate in dangerous situations or struggle to form a healthy home with a partner. 

Why do I hate myself? 

There may be a few reasons you dislike yourself. A few of the most common causes of low self-esteem and self-loathing include the following: 

• Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) 
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) 
• Depression or anxiety 
• Personality disorders 
• Unkind messages spread to you by family, peers, friends, and others 
• Societal pressures to live up to stereotypes
• Pressure from a social group to conform 
• The stigma surrounding being LGBTQ+ 
• The stigma surrounding being trans or non-binary 
• Unkind body-related messages and fatphobia in the media 
• Racism, homophobia, transphobia, and other forms of systemic oppression 
• Stigma about having a mental illness
• Being neurodivergent and experiencing bullying or social ostracization due to your identity 
• Unrealistic standards set on social media and in ads 
• Online bullying (cyberbullying) 

A note on raising LGBTQIA+ children 

Being LGBTQ+ can be one risk factor for self-loathing or self-esteem challenges later in life, especially when facing homophobia or transphobia as a child. 

When parents first learn or suspect their child may be somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, they may be confused, angry, or disillusioned. Parents may keep their suspicions to themselves, hoping their child will "grow out of it." However, being LGBTQ+ is an identity; children with this identity may believe they are born that way and cannot change. 

The discovery of gender identity and sexual identity is not a new concept. It has long been researched as part of the psychosocial and psychosexual stages of development, with children exploring their identity and sexuality in their early years through play. If a parent negatively reacts at the sight of their child attempting to play with toys or dress in a way that matches their identity, self-loathing may arise for that child as an adult. In addition, proper connection to support for trans youth and adults can reduce suicide risk, improve mental health outcomes, and increase self-love. 

If you're an LGBTQ+ youth or young adult in crisis, contact The Trevor Project hotline by calling 1-866-488-7386 or texting "START" to 678-678. You can also use their online chat. 

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges can call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or text 988 to talk to a crisis provider over SMS. They are available 24/7 to offer support. 988 also offers an online chat for those with an internet connection.

The road to self-discovery can lead to self-love

Your identity is valid and a part of who you are. If you are still on the road to self-discovery, give yourself time. In the absence of positive family and community support systems, some groups can help. Love of yourself doesn't depend upon how others perceive you, but craving support, acceptance, and love is a natural part of being human. 

Self-acceptance involves accepting yourself for all you are, including positive and negative aspects. A few tips to practice self-acceptance include the following: 

• Celebrate your strengths.
• Practice self-gratitude by listing what you're grateful for each day.
• Forgive yourself.
• Accept your imperfections without judgment. 
• Be kind to yourself by taking care of your body and mind. 
• When talking to yourself unkindly, restructure your thoughts. 
• Don't compare yourself to others. 
• Follow healthy self-love and body-positivity accounts on social media. 
• Believe in yourself.

Finding your group 

Even if your family or peer group isn't accepting or supportive of your identity, it doesn't necessarily mean a loving, accepting support group isn't out there and waiting for you. It Gets Better is one potential resource for you to look at. This website contains stories about LGBTQ+ adults who struggled early in life but went on to live happy, fulfilled lives. It Gets Better also lists events and volunteer opportunities to help you find your space within your community if you are LGBTQ+. 

Support groups and therapy can also be helpful resources. Therapy can be pivotal in treating conditions like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder, which may be causes of self-loathing. However, even if you're not living with a mental illness, therapy can help you develop self-love. A few benefits from learning self-compassion in therapy may include a better sense of self and purpose, strengthened problem-solving skills, and coping when problems arise. A support group can allow you to connect with other people experiencing your challenges. 

Counseling options 

Some people may struggle to find support in their area due to barriers of cost, distance, time, or availability. In these cases, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp may be an efficient way to work through your thoughts about yourself. Online therapy can be reached from home if you have difficulties traveling to an office. In addition, you can connect with your provider via phone, video, or live chat sessions and potentially sign up for online support groups in the same week. 

Studies show that online therapy can be as effective as in-person treatment methods. One study concluded that internet-based interventions could support those who had been bullied in childhood or as adults in growing self-compassion and reducing challenging symptoms.