Recognizing, Understanding, And Overcoming Toxic Femininity

In recent years, the term “toxic masculinity” has appeared in feminist discussions to describe the harmful effects of the expectations society places on men. Similarly, researchers have coined the term “toxic femininity” to describe the negative impacts of a patriarchal society’s expectations on women.

Toxic femininity, which can sometimes be referred to as internalized misogyny, can be harmful to people of all genders, including those with identities outside the gender binary. Feminine-presenting individuals may experience pressure to conform to damaging societal expectations (or feel guilty when they don’t). In contrast, those who are masculine-presenting may experience indirect effects of toxic femininity, such as toxic masculinity.

To understand this concept, it may be helpful to look at how toxic femininity is defined, how to identify toxic femininity in your own life, the impact of these behaviors, and ways to overcome harmful societal expectations.

What is toxic femininity?

Toxic femininity is the actions and behaviors women and feminine-presenting individuals display at their own expense to please others, especially those who are masculine-presenting. These actions are often influenced by harmful societal expectations placed on women and internalized misogyny, driving women to put others’ comfort and well-being ahead of their comfort, happiness, health, independence, emotions, or general well-being.

Some of these behaviors may stem from the idea of “traditional” gender role beliefs. Before the Women’s Suffrage movement, women couldn’t own property, vote, or open a bank account on their own. Men worked and were considered the “head of the household,” while women were often expected to cook, clean, and stay home with the children. These expectations often kept women from educational opportunities and entering the workforce.

Although women have legally gained many equal rights in the US and have made significant educational and career strides, elements of these traditional roles still exist in the way feminine-presenting and masculine-presenting people are viewed by the world today.

Toxic femininity vs. toxic masculinity

Toxic femininity can be harmful to the way people view feminine-presenting individuals, even if they are one themselves. However, in the same vein, toxic masculinity can place unhealthy expectations on masculine-presenting individuals.

While toxic femininity focuses on the impact of stereotypically feminine traits, toxic masculinity is “the way men are culturally trained and socially pressured to behave,” including being strong, tough, aggressive, powerful, and void of any trait that could be considered feminine. However, unlike toxic femininity, which exists at the expense of themselves, toxic masculinity often exists at the expense of others.

Although these two terms come with their own definitions, they are essentially two sides of the same coin. Harmful gender stereotypes influence both terms, and working to minimize both toxic femininity and toxic masculinity may move culture toward a more equal society.

Common examples of toxic femininity

Societal standards and resulting behaviors in everyday life may look different for everyone, but some common examples of toxic femininity may include the following. 

Diet

Stereotypical diets may look different for men and women. An example of a food association presenting itself as toxic femininity is a feminine-presenting individual feeling like they can only order salads when on dates or being pressured by their dates to do so when they want pasta or a burger. They could also feel societal pressure to look a certain way, causing them to restrict their calories or only eat certain foods.

Beauty

In addition to restrictive diets, feminine-presenting individuals may experience other societal expectations focused on their looks. For example, a woman might be thought of as unclean or unprofessional if they don’t shave their body hair, whereas many people don’t hold men to these same expectations. Women might also believe they must wake up early to put on makeup or wear high heels to look professional, even though they can be painful to wear all day. 

Children

Often, society expects women to want children. Mothers are often expected to put their careers or other passions on hold to raise their children. An example of how this challenge relates to toxic femininity is when a feminine-presenting individual states that they do not want children, and other women tell her that she’ll change her mind one day because “all women want to be mothers.” Similarly, if a woman continues to work after having children, someone who not-so-subtly suggests that she is a bad mom may be displaying toxic femininity.

Relationships

Toxic femininity may pressure women to assume specific roles in a relationship, whether with their children, parents, or partners. Feminine-presenting individuals are often expected to be the primary caretakers of their children. However, daughters are often expected to care for their parents as they age. They might assume a more material role in an intimate relationship, often taking on a larger portion of household labor. If a woman chooses not to accept these roles and responsibilities, toxic femininity can cause guilt. 

Capabilities

When women compete against men in a sport, skill, or promotion, toxic femininity can make them feel guilty for succeeding. Similarly, toxic femininity may cause feminine-presenting individuals to undermine their own skills or abilities to avoid emasculating the men around them. For example, a woman may avoid correcting their male colleague when they say something incorrect, as they might not want to make him feel “less than” or come off as confrontational. In contrast, a man might not have those same hesitations or for the same reasons.

Modern implications of toxic femininity

Toxic femininity can impact people of all genders, but it may be particularly harmful to individuals who identify or present as female. Some modern implications of toxic femininity today can include the following. 

Mental health conditions

The societal pressure toxic femininity presents can cause a multitude of mental health conditions or symptoms, such as:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Stress
• Eating disorders
• Low self-esteem

These challenges may stem from the intense and constant pressure to act or look a certain way, especially when it goes against one’s own desires. It can make individuals feel trapped in their own lives.

Toxic femininity can also create a limiting or hostile environment for women who don’t comply with these standards, such as missed career opportunities or unhealthy relationships. The media may contribute to these harmful effects for feminine-presenting individuals, such as a TV show portraying a wife as a two-dimensional homemaker or a newspaper article criticizing a female celebrity based solely on her looks.

Physical health conditions

For similar reasons, toxic femininity may also cause physical health conditions or symptoms, including: 

• Fatigue
• Weight loss
• Muscle pains
• Headaches
• Stomach or digestive problems

Chronic stress caused by societal and peer expectations can also lead to the following symptoms:

• Pain
• Increased heart rate
• High blood pressure
• Muscle tension
• Weakened immune system

How to overcome toxic femininity

Whether you notice it in yourself or others, there are ways to minimize the effects of toxic femininity and avoid taking part in these harmful behaviors. If you notice toxic femininity playing a part in your life, consider trying the following:

• Reflect on your experiences and behaviors: Pay attention to your unconscious thoughts about yourself and others. Are you placing unfair expectations on yourself or the feminine-presenting individuals around you? If so, ask yourself why you might feel this way, and then work to adjust your behaviors.
• Speak up and ask questions when appropriate: If you experience those around you placing unfair expectations on feminine-presenting individuals, ask them why that person’s behaviors bother them. By starting this conversation, you might be able to help friends and family unlearn harmful behaviors. 
• Start with minor changes: If you notice a multitude of behaviors influenced by toxic femininity, it may be stressful to change it all at once. Instead, you might try to make minor changes to your day-to-day life and how you think of yourself and others. Over time, many of these unconscious behaviors may begin to correct themselves.
• Live authentically: Pay attention to your own preferences and desires and stay true to them. By embracing your uniqueness, even when your behaviors go against today’s societal expectations, you may play a part in changing these norms.

Professional support options 

Another way to manage the stress and potential mental health conditions resulting from toxic femininity is by working with a therapist. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a therapeutic method of identifying unhelpful behaviors and thought distortions and working to change them. With CBT, you might be able to identify unrealistic standards you might be holding to yourself and modify your behaviors.

For those experiencing the effects of toxic femininity, it might be stressful to leave the house or find someone to care for children. In those cases, online therapy can be a suitable alternative to in-person treatment. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can meet with your therapist over video, phone calls, or in-app messaging, depending on your preference, from anywhere with an internet connection.

Research has shown that online therapy is as effective as in-person therapy. In a 2017 study, researchers studied the effectiveness of internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy for several psychiatric disorders. They concluded that this form of treatment is “effective in the treatment and management of various psychiatric disorders such as depression, GAD and social anxiety, panic disorders, phobias, addiction and substance use disorders, adjustment disorder, bipolar disorder, and OCD.”

Takeaway

Toxic femininity is often the result of harmful societal expectations of feminine-presenting individuals, and it can impact people of all genders. The societal pressure to look and behave a certain way can lead to several health implications, both mental and physical. 

Recognizing and working to change toxic femininity behaviors can be instrumental in changing the way society treats different groups of people. Online therapy can be a powerful tool in managing the mental health conditions associated with toxic femininity and working to overcome the unfair expectations you might place on yourself and others.