Healing From Abuse After Ending A Toxic Relationship: Kyah's Story

Experiencing life's ups and downs is often challenging, especially if you’re trying to handle things alone. Therapy can offer a way to regularly connect with a licensed mental health professional so you can express your thoughts and feelings without worrying about judgment. Kyah, a BetterHelp user, found that online therapy was an excellent form of treatment for her struggles with anxiety and a difficult breakup. Online therapy can be a treatment option for a wide variety of mental health concerns.

Kyah's story

Before finding BetterHelp, Kyah had tried in-person therapy but struggled to make it work for her schedule and budget. Online therapy can offer an affordable alternative, empowering you to attend sessions from the comfort of your home at times that work for you. You can communicate with your therapist in different ways, which may be helpful for those who prefer voice or messaging over video sessions. 

In Kyah's story, she explains how BetterHelp helped her after a difficult split from a toxic relationship. Her therapist was also able to help her address other mental health concerns, such as general anxiety, helping her lead a happier life. 

Kyah's story has been lightly edited for grammar and clarity. 

How Kyah found BetterHelp

"I decided to sign up for BetterHelp about six months ago because I was experiencing some depression over a really difficult breakup and general anxiety. I also had some unresolved familial problems I knew I could talk about as well," began Kyah. "I was matched with my counselor, Cynara, and I haven't looked back since. She was the perfect fit for me, and I'm so thankful for her.

"I've been to an in-person counselor before, and while it was helpful, I struggled to get to my appointments with my erratic schedule and low funds. Our appointments went from weekly to every other week to monthly to not at all. 

"To be honest, I'm still thankful I went to an in-person counselor because she opened up doors for me to see therapy as a great tool in healing. However, cost and time kept me from going back to her.

"I learned about BetterHelp through some online research on my own. I listened to a podcast that advertised for Talkspace, a similar therapy company. I looked into their program, and BetterHelp came up in the search. I researched what would be the best fit for me between Talkspace and BetterHelp, and went with BetterHelp, as they have a financial aid program. That definitely made my choice easier."

Kyah's experience with BetterHelp 

"I was in a really dark place when I signed up. I was mourning the loss of a toxic relationship and experiencing financial struggles, anxiety, and a slew of other problems. I cried almost every time I opened messages from Cynara or video chatted. It was a slow and steady journey, but I am in a much better place now.

"Working with Cynara has definitely improved my problem-solving in a healthy way," explained Kyah. "I make better choices and put myself in smarter situations to take care of myself. She's helped me work through a lot of things I had just pushed to the side. She's helped me rebuild my confidence in myself and my choices.

Recognizing the signs of a toxic or abusive relationship

Unless you’ve been in a toxic relationship before, it can be hard to recognize the warning signs, especially during the honeymoon phase. 

Early red flags and warning signs

When you first meet someone, and there are butterflies in your stomach, turning a blind eye to potential red flags might be easy to do. You might think it’s true love, but to protect yourself from future hurt and possibly danger, it’s important to be aware of these signs. Some red flags to watch for include: 

• Love bombing.
• Trying to rush things in the relationship.
• Not respecting boundaries.
• Ever-fluctuating values and opinions.
• Attempts to isolate you from friends or family.
• Talking badly about their ex.

Verbal abuse, emotional harm, and manipulation

Once an abuser has a victim in their grasp, the abuse can escalate quickly. As the two of you become closer, the abusive partner may begin to let their guard down and start to show their true character. In a matter of days or weeks, their behavior might change from love bombing to verbal abuse and emotional harm through manipulation. This “new” behavior could include: 

• Namecalling.
• Blaming you when things go wrong.
• Overstepping more and more boundaries.
• Trying to turn you against friends and family.
• Gaslighting you, or making you question reality.

Understanding the toxic relationship cycle

Once you’re in an abusive relationship, it can be hard to break free of the toxic relationship cycle. You may feel a range of emotions from hurt to confusion and even guilt. 

Why it can feel hard to leave

When the first major incident of abuse occurs, it may come as a painful surprise. You may be caught off guard and have no idea how to react. Worse, you may have no one to turn to since your abuser may have succeeded in isolating you from your support people. 

Afterwards, the abusive partner will likely apologize profusely, even shedding tears and begging you to stay. Because you care for the person, you might be inclined to give them a second chance. However, it could be important to realize that abusers don’t usually change. 

Guilt, fear, and feeling responsible

Being on the receiving end of verbal and emotional abuse can cause fear and confusion. The abusive partner may do their best to convince you that it’s your fault. They might not take responsibility for their own mistakes, instead pointing the finger at you for what happened. At this stage, you might feel guilty and even try to change your behavior to make your partner happy. 

How to leave a toxic relationship safely

Leaving a toxic relationship can be dangerous. Many abusers become more aggressive when they feel as if they’re losing control of the situation. 

Creating a safety plan

Having a plan in place ahead of time may be your best chance to leave the abusive relationship and get to a safe space. The first step is to prepare a bag of essentials, so you can leave quickly if necessary. Tell someone you trust about your plans and consider asking for help. Other strategies may include: 

• Have a spare car key made in case the abuser takes your keys.
• Memorize phone numbers of safety contacts in case the abuser takes your phone or breaks it.
• Save money and put it aside, or seek financial assistance, so you’re not financially reliant on your abuser. 
• Don’t announce that you’re leaving; just leave when your partner will least expect it. 

Ending all contact 

After you leave the toxic relationship, don’t turn back and don’t contact your abuser for any reason. Ignore any calls or text messages from them. Consider blocking their number and social media accounts, so they can’t reach you. You can also file a protection order with the court so that your abuser cannot come near you.

Life after leaving a toxic relationship

A toxic relationship can leave you feeling drained emotionally. It could take time to feel like yourself again, but there’s hope for a better future. 

Rediscovering yourself

Many people who leave abusive relationships are amazed at how much more energy and time they seem to have. Without an abusive partner to weigh you down, you can begin to rediscover the person you were prior to the relationship. Try spending time getting to know yourself through journaling, meditation, and spending time in nature. You could also revisit some of the hobbies you once enjoyed.  

Rebuilding other relationships

If your abuser is like most, they’ve made it their mission to be the only person in your life. You may have ended other relationships, including friendships, or lost touch with family members. This could be a wonderful time to reach out and spend quality time with the people from your past you still care about. They’re likely to be understanding, and rediscovering these authentic connections can accelerate your healing process. 

Online therapy is here for you

Many individuals like Kyah have found hope and happiness after starting online therapy. 

Mental health benefits of online therapy

At BetterHelp, the world's largest network of licensed and accredited therapists, you can connect with a licensed mental health professional based on your needs and preferences. You can speak to your therapist via video call, phone call, or online chat on any device with an internet connection, and you can attend sessions from the location of your choice, making the experience customizable.

Effectiveness of online therapy

Studies generally show that online therapy can be just as effective as face-to-face therapy. Online therapy can treat many concerns, from depression and anxiety disorders to relationship challenges and self-esteem difficulties.