Overcoming The Mental Health and Emotional Impact Of Absent Fatherhood

The image of the average family structure usually includes biological parents or adoptive parents, but for many people in America, a two-parent household is not their reality. Absent fatherhood is particularly common – according to the U.S. Census Bureau, 1 in 4 kids live without a biological, step, or adoptive father in their home. Even when mothers are doing their best to fill the role, there is often still an emotional impact caused by absent fatherhood (it’s important to note that “absent fatherhood” typically means being raised by a single mother, not being raised by two mothers who are in a romantic partnership). The effects of fatherless households can follow a child throughout their life. It’s not uncommon for adult children to experience challenges as a result of their childhood experiences.  If you or a loved one is struggling with the absence of a father in your life, it’s important to take steps to manage and overcome the negative emotions you might be facing.

Emotional and behavioral effects of growing up without a father

The absence of a father figure can negatively affect a child’s well-being. Sometimes, the child may feel an emotional void that can cause anger, symptoms of depression, and/or behavioral problems. They may act out in order to get attention or as an effort to fill the void in some way. Research in family studies shows that youth who grow up with their fathers have fewer behavioral problems in middle childhood into adolescence. 

Children living in a fatherless home may also develop low self-esteem as well as problems in relationships. They may feel as if they can’t trust anyone, even those who say they love them. This could result in interpersonal issues that make relationships challenging. 

Many people grow up in a single-mother household, and single-parent families are common.  The list of potential challenges that children may face when raised in a father-absent household is long:

Not knowing your father doesn’t guarantee that any of the above will occur, but it does increase the risk. That’s why it can be helpful to be aware of the situation and learn how to navigate some mental and emotional challenges you may face.

Long-term consequences of father absence on children

The Future of Families and Child Well-Being Study is a research project designed to determine the impact being born into a household with an unmarried mother can have on child development. The study examined different aspects of life for children.

In homes where a single mother raises a child without a spouse present, a child may be impacted in different ways depending on family structures and circumstances. Children born into a family structure with no father present from birth or a family system where the father is no longer part of the picture starting in early or middle childhood may all experience varying impacts on their development. 

Different family structures and childhood living arrangements can affect children’s developmental outcomes. When children are raised in single-parent households, the risk for child maltreatment can increase, due in large part to financial hardship that can lead to neglect. Children from homes where parents are married may experience more long-term stability than families where parents are separated or fathers are absent.

It is important to note that a person does not have to be a child’s biological father or even a blood relative to serve as a father figure. Having a supportive male figure in a child’s life can be beneficial, even if there is no biological connection.

Overcoming the emotional impact of absent fatherhood 

It can seem overwhelming to read through the list of potential problems and risks that you may face as a result of not growing up with an active father in your life. Or, if you’re a single mom doing your best to fill both roles, you may worry that the situation is hopeless.

But, just because the statistics on the effects of not having a father present may look bleak, that doesn’t mean that you or your child need to follow in the footsteps of the “risks.” There are things you can do to overcome the negative impact that growing up without a father can cause. 

While the people in your life can impact how you feel, they don’t determine your future. You have the ability to choose the course of your life. Some things may be harder for you, and you may face challenges that others who grew up with a father in their lives might not have to face. However, you still get to write the story of your life. Here are some things that you can do to overcome the emotional impact of absent fatherhood, whether for yourself or for your child. 

Allow yourself to grieve 

Growing up without a dad can be painful and hurtful. You may believe you missed out on parts of your childhood. Many people associate grieving with the death of a loved one, but all different kinds of loss can lead to grieving— and an absent parent can be one of them.

You may find that in order to start your emotional healing process, you need to allow yourself to grieve what you have lost. This loss could be the relationship with your father that you had at one point in your life or the relationship that you never were able to have. You may grieve the father you lost or the fantasy father you always wanted.

Taking time to grieve may help you to acknowledge the loss that your father has intentionally or unintentionally left in your life. It may be just what you need to help you start working through the emotional impact that the absence caused.

Focus on building your self-esteem

Even if you don’t actively think about it, you may be struggling with low self-esteem. Low self-esteem can cause individuals to become people-pleasers, always trying to earn the approval of others. If you often don’t believe you are “good enough,” it could be a sign that you’re experiencing challenges with your self-esteem. You can build your self-esteem by practicing self-compassion, spending time with people who accept you for exactly who you are, and participating in activities that you love and that make you feel good about yourself. 

Find a mentor that you can count on

While you may never be able to replace the exact relationship you could have had if your father was involved in your life, you may benefit from finding a person who can fill some of that role. It’s believed that having an active “father figure” can help prevent both behavioral and psychological problems.

This person could be a trustworthy stepdad, grandfather, coach, teacher, counselor, or any other person who takes on some of the roles of the father figure in your life. It could be beneficial just to have someone to talk to about things you would discuss with your dad if he were around or to have a supportive adult to do activities with. This person can teach you things that your dad may have taught you or offer words of wisdom that you wouldn’t have received otherwise.

Your relationship with your mother can also be a source of guidance and comfort. In many cases, a mom can provide enough support and love for a child. 

The role of the other parent and family support

Other people in your life can also fill the void left by an absent father. During childhood, the other parent, such as a single mom, often plays the roles of both mom and dad, for example. Later in life, a husband or wife can also provide emotional support to bridge the gap.   

If you’re a mom to a fatherless child, consider adopting a positive parenting approach that honors the importance of love and nurturing. Focus on building a strong bond with your child in a positive way. This can include spending quality time with your child and promoting a sense of safety in your relationship.

Helping boys and girls heal in different ways

Divorce and other family issues that lead to fatherless homes may affect children in different ways. For example, girls and boys may process emotions like fear and anger differently, and individual ages and personalities matter as well. 

Many men who grew up in fatherless homes push down their emotions due to societal expectations around masculinity. It could be important to encourage both your sons and daughters to express their feelings in an age-appropriate and positive way. 

Other strategies you can use to help children develop resilience and healthy attachments in the future include: 

• Encourage independence by assigning chores and other responsibilities. 
• Practice active listening with your child so they feel seen and heard. 
• Pile on the praise and reward your child’s efforts. 
• Avoid criticism and harsh punishments. 
• Provide structure and routine so your child knows what to expect. 

The importance of emotional awareness and self-work 

If you’re an adult child of a fatherless home, there might not be anything you can do to change the fact that your father was absent during your childhood. However, you can take control over how that experience affects you as an adult. This may require self-awareness and emotional work. 

If you didn’t process your feelings about your father’s absence as a child, you might need to realize the importance of doing so as an adult. This could help you let go of negative feelings such as anger, resentment, and self-pity. You can empower yourself to build a better future by identifying patterns of behavior as well as triggers that take you back to the pain of your childhood. 

In addition to focusing on your own emotional growth, you can also foster emotional awareness and expression in your children. This may help to break generational cycles of fatherless homes, bringing you full circle. Here are a few parenting tips you can implement:

• Talk about your feelings with your children and encourage them to share their own emotions, whether positive or negative. Actively listen and provide them with emotional support. 
• Model emotional regulation and keep your temper in check when you’re angry. 
• Encourage participation in a creative hobby such as writing poetry or drawing. 

The power of love, time, and positive role models

As you work through the emotional trauma of growing up without your father, consider the importance of emotional support from friends, family, and community. Having positive role models, people to talk to, and quality time with loved ones can all contribute to your healing in a meaningful way. It can also provide you with a sense of belonging in the world, which can matter more than you might realize. 

Learn how to have healthy relationships with your friends, family, and children 

The absence that your father left in your life may cause you to struggle with other relationships. You may be afraid that you can’t depend on others, or you may automatically expect the people who love you to eventually leave. Or you may find you’re subconsciously trying to connect with other people to make up for what you didn’t receive from your dad.

If you believe that you’re having difficulties with your relationships, you may be able to benefit from talking with a trusted older individual in your life that can provide you with feedback and guidance. Many books can also provide you with beneficial life tips, including in the area of relationship development. 

Let go of any guilt associated with your absent father

Some people who grew up without fathers may think they’re the reason that their dad was absent from their life. This guilt can carry through to other areas of your life and you may end up believing that everything that goes wrong is your fault. You might find that you often feel guilty and responsible for other people’s feelings even if you haven’t done anything wrong. Learning how to recognize this habit in your life can help you overcome it.

Forgive your dad to lessen the emotional impact of absent fatherhood

Unresolved anger can be a lot to carry and may negatively impact your mental health. If your dad is no longer in your life, it can be beneficial to come to terms with the fact that you will likely not receive an apology. Your dad may not even realize the hurt they have caused you. Or, they may have been absent because of situations outside of their control.

If you’re carrying resentment and bitterness toward your father, it’s likely hurting your emotional and mental health as well. Choosing to forgive your dad doesn’t mean that you excuse his behavior or lack of attention that you received, it simply means that you aren’t going to let your anger continue to have power over your life. You don’t have to try to reconcile or have contact with your father, but choosing forgiveness can help you move forward in a healthier way.

Online mental health therapy with BetterHelp to process the pain you experienced as a child

Overcoming the emotional impact of growing up with little to no relationship with your father isn’t something you should have to do on your own. There may be many resources available to support your efforts. For example, Focus on the Family out of Colorado Springs provides faith-based guidance and resources for adult children of fatherless homes. You can also reach out for emotional support from friends and family as well as via social media channels. 

Mental health counseling can also provide effective interventions for emotional and behavioral problems via psychotherapy with a licensed professional. By connecting with a therapist through BetterHelp, you can receive online counseling for the concerns that you’re facing. Sometimes, if you’re processing and working through past traumas, you might develop mental health disorders like depression. Depression often makes it hard to leave the house and find mental health care. But, with online therapy, even if you need to stay at home in bed, you can still speak with a qualified professional and receive the care you need. 

The effectiveness of online therapy for mental health

Online therapy can be a valuable resource for those trying to move past difficult experiences that are still impacting them to this day. One study found that internet-based treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) reduced participants’ distress and improved the severity of their psychopathological symptoms. Participants also experienced a reduction in co-morbid depression and anxiety compared to those on a waiting list for traditional, in-person sessions.