How To Calm Your Inner Angry Woman

Women's anger is often either a source of derision or patronization. While men are often encouraged or at least supported in feeling and expressing anger, women who outwardly express their anger, such as feeling angry or displaying female fury, are often stereotyped as being ungrateful, bothersome, or unpleasant to be around or even told their anger is "cute." This may create a vicious cycle in women, wherein anger is felt but suppressed due to being taught to appear feminine or sedate, leading to more anger and resentment.

Without a healthy way to calm, express, and utilize their own anger, women can fall into this trap quickly and easily. As a result, they can experience anxiety, fear, and frustration in their relationships and daily lives. It's essential to listen to and validate women's feelings without shame, allowing them to voice their emotions and deal with their anger constructively.

The Anger Mechanism

Anger is a basic emotion present in both women and men. Although men are typically associated with anger far more than women, this is not necessarily a biological compulsion. Instead, some psychologists have argued that anger is more readily supported in boys and men by society, while girls and angry women who express their rage are derided and shoved aside. 

This conditioning begins in childhood, as little girls are encouraged to be quiet, accepting, and meek, while little boys are encouraged to utilize aggression and physical altercations to express themselves. Neither of these is healthy. Men may not recognize a problem with feeling and expressing anger. Women, however, may recognize that something is off with their relationship to anger, even though they might not know exactly what to do with their repressed anger.

Despite this, anger has a purpose. Anger can encourage people to take action and can act as a driving force. For example, someone decides to donate to an animal shelter following the indignation felt after watching an ad about animal abuse. Anger can also reveal unhealed trauma and unresolved past issues. For example, a person feels irrational anger upon hearing parents praise their children for their accomplishments. The person might feel this anger because when they were a child, they weren’t encouraged by their own parents. Anger is a powerful tool and can provide immense insight into your own pain and needs.

When anger is felt, there are many reactions women and men can engage in. The healthiest reaction is being assertive. Assertion allows you to fight for yourself (or others) in a way that is respectful of the person(s) with whom you are upset but also of you and your individual needs. Asserting your position, whether it be one of indignation, fear, or concern, allows you to embrace your anger in a useful, productive way without resorting to violence or wrong actions.

Anger, Women, And Expectations

Women are expected to be the nurturers, the gentle ones, or the peacemakers. Women are not usually praised or encouraged for their ability to incite change, wield power, or lead. They are instead seen as homemakers and in some ways "less" than their male counterparts. Anger is often seen as a masculine trait and one that is abhorrent in women. Men's anger is allowed to promote vast change and inspire fear in the world. Conversely, a woman's anger is typically sneered at and chided as being unnecessary, excessive, or unreasonable, or even dismissed as cute.

Many of these issues are derived from societal conditioning of both men and women. Rather than men leading a charge against women's anger, women themselves often feel uncomfortable, masculine, or afraid when they feel anger, let alone express it. Given that this is the case, calming your inner angry girl requires far more than a few bubble baths and a glass of wine, despite what many "self-care" tips would have you believe. Unconditional love and acceptance for oneself can help women embrace their anger in a healthier manner.

Learning To Embrace Anger

The first step in calming your inner angry woman is embracing your anger. When anger is suppressed, ignored, or turned away, resentment festers and gives birth to additional bouts of anger, which are then repressed. This cycle continues until fury becomes a way of life. Women who have fallen into this cycle often find themselves growing judgmental, hard, and closed off, as an entire aspect of their emotional lives are turned off and shoved off to the side.

Anger is here to stay. No matter how serene you make your surroundings or friendships or how hard you might work to ensure your entire life moves forward smoothly, you cannot pretend that anger doesn’t exist. Learning to embrace anger as a friend and colleague can prove extremely useful in developing strong and healthy ties to your fury with an increased ability to use your frustration effectively.

Learning to embrace anger means not suppressing or ignoring it. It means allowing your body to feel the spike of adrenaline that anger causes and allowing the adrenaline to wash over you. Blushing, stammering, shaking, sweating, and dizziness can accompany anger. It can be caused by injustice, frustration, powerlessness, and any number of slights, real or imagined. Part of embracing your anger means leaning into the anger and determining what it was that made you angry in the first place and then tracing your emotions from there. Doing so will allow you to develop a healthier relationship with yourself and a healthier relationship with your anger.

Healthy Expressions Of Anger

A healthy expression of anger involves recognizing your anger, identifying why you’re mad, and allowing yourself to speak or behave in a way that acknowledges and honors your feelings. How you express your anger will rely on its source and your relationship to it.

For instance, feeling anger toward a stranger or at an inanimate object will create a different type of anger than if a close friend or loved one is the source of it. For a stranger or object, you might first recognize your anger, identify its cause, and proceed to talk yourself down, identifying whether or not the situation requires you to speak up. When you have ample control and comfort, you can speak out to express your anger or help yourself rationalize your experience and move forward.

Feeling anger in a contentious situation or with someone you are close to, either via emotion or proximity, can be more difficult as anger may be more likely to be extreme and may be more difficult to control. In these situations, one of the best ways to handle and direct your anger may be to step aside for a moment to breathe and reflect. Taking a deep breath can help alleviate the physical symptoms of anger while giving you a moment to reflect. This can help you determine what exactly needs to be said and how you should say it for maximum effect.

A Woman: Anger, Healing, And Change

Despite countless societal objections, changing the conversation surrounding women and anger is enormously important. Suppressing anger is not merely a vicious cycle. It can negatively impact your health, leading to anxiety and increased stress levels, which have the potential to cause actual physical and emotional distress. Learning to manage and direct anger healthily can improve your health and communication and could be a catalyst for lasting change in your own life and the lives of people around you.

Rather than stuffing your anger down and taking it out later on the tennis court or on a treadmill or having it come out sideways through bitterness and belittlement, talk to a therapist. An in-person or online therapist can teach you useful tools in unlearning unhealthy habits and patterns regarding anger while also teaching you how to develop healthy ones. You’ll also explore in a safe space how your gender and gender roles in general (historically and currently) relate to the “problem” of anger and how it is received based upon one’s gender.

Consider online therapy if finding time to travel to a therapist’s office prevents you from addressing your anger. Online therapy is a growing trend and is effective. A study has shown that online therapy can feel more personal than traditional therapy. Ninety-six percent of people using online therapy reported feeling a personal connection with their online therapists as opposed to 91 percent who saw face-to-face therapists. They were also more invested in completing homework the therapists assigned them and occasionally reviewed correspondence between them and their therapists, leading them to move forward with their lives.

BetterHelp’s online therapists and counselors can provide useful strategies for expressing anger unique to your personality and needs. Anger can spark fear in women when they feel it, but it need not be a source of stress or concern. Anger is neither inherently masculine nor feminine and can (and should) be embraced, expressed, and used in healthy ways by all genders. You can meet with your online therapist or counselor anywhere you have an internet connection and at a time that fits your schedule. 

Calming The Inner Angry Woman

Calming your inner angry woman is a multi-step process, made more complicated by countless years of conditioning. The first step in this process is simply accepting yourself. Accept that you will feel anger, that it might occasionally get the best of you, and that it’s okay if it does. Simply stifling your anger will make it far worse, potentially leading to anxiety or depression. Taking deep, even breaths can help in this process as it can center both your mind and your body and allow you to more accurately identify what you are angry about or who you are angry with.

If you frequently feel anger and are looking for the right way to manage it, consider connecting with a therapist in person or online. Once you can pinpoint the source of your anger, you can develop strategies for dealing with it healthily. What's more, you can learn about routines you can add into your daily life to improve your responses to anger and frustration. Your inner angry woman can then be expressed in constructive and healthy ways.