Overcoming Social Anxiety In Conversations
Starting conversations can be awkward and stressful for many people, but it may be especially difficult for those with social anxiety. While social anxiety can occur during any type of situation outside of the home, the pressure to come up with conversation topics and remember details about a person's life from previous interactions can start to feel overwhelming. Instead of being fun or stimulating, engaging in a discussion can feel like traversing a minefield for someone with social anxiety. If you have social anxiety, you can use questions to start a conversation, and if you prepare in advance, it can alleviate some of your anxiety about the prospect of social interaction. For additional guidance regarding social anxiety symptoms, you may wish to speak with a licensed therapist in person or online.
Social anxiety can be defined as the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, self-consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression. Social anxiety can be specific, or it can be generalized. Specific social anxiety can refer to the fear of one specific social event, while generalized social anxiety can be defined as feeling nervous, anxious, and uncomfortable in almost all social situations. It is usually much more common for people to have generalized social anxiety.
In general, social anxiety is anxiety triggered by social situations. Even though you may initially be excited about attending a social event, as it draws near, you may become more nervous about the idea of interacting with others. Symptoms you may experience can include irritability, sweating, fear, upset stomach, nausea, feelings of dread, or lightheadedness.
Common situations that may trigger this response
While each person can feel social anxiety in different ways, various situations can trigger anxiety. Common social situations that may cause feelings of anxiety can include:
- Speaking in public
- Being introduced to other people
- Being the center of attention
- Being watched while you are doing something
- Meeting people of authority (“important people”)
- Talking to a stranger
- Having to go around the room (or table) and say something
- Going to parties
- Entering a room full of people
When people have a social anxiety disorder, they may be presumed to be shy. However, people who are shy tend to grow less nervous as they get more familiar with the social situation. People who have social anxiety, on the other hand, generally do not and may feel their fear and anxiety get worse. Most people who are shy do not feel the negative emotions that come with having social anxiety. Shyness can evolve into social anxiety, but it is not necessarily a natural progression. Many people who experience social anxiety can come across as talkative and friendly, but under the surface, they may be struggling with feelings of anxiety.
Conversation starters to overcome nervousness
Conversations and interactions can normally start, stop, and feel halted. This can be normal and is not necessarily unique to you. However, whether you are shy or have social anxiety, there may be a simple trick you can use to make the conversation flow more easily and help you feel more comfortable if you get anxious about the pressure to make conversation with others.
Using questions to start a conversation can get the conversation flowing. Using a question to start a conversation can also give you time and space to ease your nerves and feel more comfortable in the social setting. It may provide you with time to relax and listen instead of being overcome with worries about what to say. Asking someone a question can also be a great way to let the other person know that you are interested in them, their life, and their opinions.
Before you go to a social event, you might think about the people who may be there and what you know about them. It can be helpful to brainstorm some discussion or conversation topics that you can draw from when the conversation stalls or you feel pressure to start a discussion. If you commonly have this experience with strangers while out and about at unexpected times, you might think of some generic getting-to-know-you questions that you can ask whenever you need.
To effectively jump-start a conversation, the questions you choose should generally be open-ended. That is, they should typically require more than a one-word answer. Questions that facilitate longer, more detailed responses tend to be best as opposed to questions that prompt one-word responses, such as those beginning with, " Did you ever…" or "What is your favorite…" These open-ended questions are likely to encourage your conversation partner to respond with a more detailed answer, potentially giving you more opportunities to absorb information that may result in a follow-up question. This can keep the conversation going and help you avoid awkward pauses that can feel uncomfortable.
While your conversation partner is talking, it can be important that you listen closely for clues about potential follow-up questions. It may also help to keep in mind that the person you are talking to may also experience nervousness and worry about speaking with new people or being in a new setting.
How to manage symptoms
Sometimes, social anxiety can be extremely difficult, and it may impact your ability to make and keep friends. You can reach out for support from a licensed professional who can help you understand why you are living with social anxiety and develop strategies to manage it. If intense feelings of anxiety do not go away, it can be beneficial to talk to someone to work through them.
Whether you experience butterflies in your stomach before you attend a party or are unable to bring yourself to leave the house, an online therapy platform may have licensed therapists ready to help. You may feel more comfortable speaking with someone new (your therapist) from the comfort of your home, rather than visiting a therapist’s office in person. It may even be possible to speak to your therapist via online chat or phone call if a video call feels too intimidating.
Studies have shown that online therapy can be highly effective in treating people with social anxiety disorder. In a 2022 study, for example, researchers evaluated the efficacy of an internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy intervention for social anxiety disorder. Compared with the waitlist control group, those who engaged in the online treatment method experienced significant reductions in their social anxiety symptoms which were maintained after a three-month follow-up visit. Please don’t hesitate to reach out for the help you deserve.
Takeaway
If you have social anxiety, talking to a therapist can help you understand the reasons behind it and develop ways to cope. Here are some questions you might want to consider asking your therapist during your sessions:
- Can you explain the major symptoms of social anxiety?
- How much of your practice is geared toward helping people with social anxiety?
- Can group therapy help?
- Will medication cure me?
- Do I have to do exposure therapy?
- What should I expect in an online therapy session?
If you know someone with social anxiety, understanding how they feel and what they need can help you learn the best ways to support them. Here are some things to ask someone with anxiety:
- How often do you experience anxiety?
- Have you ever had a panic attack?
- What situations set off your anxiety?
- What are some things you do to cope with your anxiety?
- Do you have any tools that you use to manage your anxiety?
- Do you have any strategies for handling anxiety in the moment?
- Is there anything I can do to help?
Everyone with social anxiety is different, so they may not want the same things. Social anxiety is not the same as being shy or having stage fright. People with social anxiety may just want those around them to be supportive and understand that it is not just something they can easily overcome. They may want to spend time with people but prefer to do so one-one-one with a close friend or in small groups.
You can do many things that may help someone with social anxiety. First, try to understand and accept what they’re going through, even though it may not be rational. Focus on how they are feeling, and try to help distract them by suggesting taking a walk or playing a game. Sometimes, the best thing you can do in these relationships is to ask them how they’re feeling and what you can do to help.
Many things can trigger social anxiety, and everyone experiences different triggers. Some may include social interactions like speaking in public, meeting new people, being the center of attention, having someone watch you while you’re doing something, talking to people you don’t know, having to go around the room and say something or introduce yourself, making small talk, meeting authority figures, entering a room full of people, or going to a party. They may have trouble doing things like using public restrooms or eating their favorite thing if they are in a large group.
Social awkwardness can result from social anxiety. Talking to a therapist can help you learn how to cope with your social anxiety and alleviate any social awkwardness. Other techniques you can try include:
- Accept that you feel awkward and then attempt to redirect your attention to other people. For example, asking other people questions can help you take your mind off yourself, which can help you feel more comfortable.
- Don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself. If you know you have done something socially awkward, laughing at yourself may make you and the people around you feel more comfortable. For example, if someone asks you about your favorite season, and you respond by saying it’s salt, it’s okay to laugh!
- Let it go. When you experience social awkwardness, try not to let it define you. Whether you run out of things to say or trip over your own feet in front of other people , it can help to remind yourself that it doesn’t define who you are. Also, it may help to remember that social skills can be developed with practice.
According to Mental Health America, “People who are naturally more reserved and those who have experienced trauma like childhood abuse or neglect are more likely to develop the disorder.” But researchers do not know the cause of social anxiety disorder. People with family members who have social anxiety are more likely to have it themselves, and stress and environment can play a role. Because there are so many unknowns, it can be hard to determine what kind of person has social anxiety disorder. The disorder may manifest differently in adults, younger people (adolescents), and children.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone with this mental health condition is to tell them you are there for them. Try something simple, like “Thinking of you” or “What can I do to help?” If you suspect they are having a difficult time, you can offer to go to their house and sit with them or bring them a meal. Ask them if it’s an ideal day for a visit and try to create opportunities that show them you are not judging and are there to listen and support them.
Yes, anxiety disorder can be considered a disability. If you have social anxiety that prevents you from being able to work or leave the house, you may qualify for disability benefits.
People may assume that social anxiety and shyness are the same, but they are quite different. Many people with social anxiety disorder may think they are just extremely shy by nature, but there may be some ways to tell the difference between social anxiety disorder and shyness. People with social anxiety may have anxious feelings that interfere with their ability to function in their everyday lives. The intensity of their fears in social anxiety disorder may be much worse, and they may go to extremes to avoid situations that trigger their anxiety.
For example, someone who is shy may be a little nervous about speaking in public at work or school, but someone with social anxiety may feel anxious for months or weeks about it and experience intense physical symptoms during the speech, like shaking, sweating, or shortness of breath. In this hypothetical situation, someone shy may settle into the speech and feel more comfortable as it goes on, while someone with anxiety may experience worsening symptoms. Someone living with social anxiety may practice avoidance of such situations altogether, and they may lean on coping mechanisms that don’t help in the long run, such as alcohol or substance use.*
*If you are experiencing challenges related to substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
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