When we feel attacked, it's hard to hear what another person has to say while keeping an open mind. Instead, our first thought is to defend ourselves, or we may try to turn the tables by pointing out flaws in the other person's behavior. By the end of the conversation, it's likely no one feels heard and some form of misunderstanding has occurred.
Criticism can feel painful, especially from the people we feel closest to, even when it's meant to help us. But defensiveness keeps us closed off from building supportive relationships. Learning to spot defensive behavior in ourselves and others can help us have better conversations that result in solutions instead of pointing fingers.
Why Do We Get Defensive?
Defensiveness is when we try to counter or deny criticisms in areas in which we feel sensitive. For many, this is a way to emotionally protect ourselves. Our brain instinctively kicks into "fight or flight" mode when we think we are in trouble, which can lead to overwhelming emotions like anger and anxiety. Even if we aren't in bodily danger, we can feel under attack when it seems like someone is threatening our sense of identity, key values, or worth.
We might not always interpret threats accurately, but that doesn't take away from the sense of danger that we experience. However, we can choose to make ourselves feel safe again without giving into our first impulse of acting defensively, which might harm a relationship. This means replacing defensiveness with healthier coping skills. For example, practicing skills like self-compassion and problem solving lets us pause our instinctive reactions. This pause gives us space to hear the criticism, look at why it makes us uncomfortable, and put our best foot forward on working toward a solution everyone can agree with.
Coping Strategies Versus Defense Mechanisms
In order to change our defensive behavior, we need to become aware of some of the ways we avoid difficult feelings.
While we may know when we are acting defensive, it can be a bit more challenging to recognize the defense mechanisms behind why we react that way. Though they sound similar, defensiveness is usually a behavior that we are aware of, while defense mechanisms are habits that we use without realizing it. These are unconscious reactions our minds have learned to protect us from what we perceive as painful thoughts and emotions.
Defensive behavior can come from multiple defense mechanisms we use in an attempt to avoid the threat to our self-esteem caused by criticism. A few examples include:
Defense mechanisms can range from "primitive" responses (like denial, projecting, or acting out) to "mature" ones (like rationalizing, displacement, or intellectualizing), with some being more effective at soothing painful emotions than others. But what they all have in common is that they help us avoid uncomfortable feelings without actually fixing the problem.
Coping strategies, on the other hand, are the ways we purposefully choose to handle difficult emotions and stressful situations. Some coping strategies work on changing how we face challenges (problem solving), while others target how we experience our feelings (emotion focused). They can be broken down between active coping strategies, which affect how we deal with stress head-on, and avoidant strategies, which involve distancing ourselves from the problem.
Like defense mechanisms, coping strategies vary in how effective or healthy they are. While active strategies are generally thought to be better than avoidant ones like isolating ourselves and abusing substances to numb emotions, sometimes we need a bit of space to get a hold on our feelings and better understand them. For example, meditation and exercise are both great ways of relieving stress and improving self-esteem while temporarily avoiding the situation. Defensiveness can be seen as an avoidant coping strategy, which we may choose to dodge dealing with the stress of taking responsibility for our actions. It may feel challenging at first, but we can train our minds into viewing criticism as an opportunity for problem solving and growth.
Healthy Ways Of Coping With Criticism
Defensiveness is often a mix of defense mechanisms that we use without awareness and unhealthy coping strategies that we choose to avoid stressful emotions and insecurities. With practice, though, we can become more aware of our go-to patterns and explore new ways of guiding our reactions to criticism into a more positive and constructive light.
Defensiveness is a reaction to things we feel are a threat to our self-esteem. Practicing self-forgiveness helps us own up to things that we've done wrong without feeling trapped by the shame that tricks us into thinking we can't change. Self-compassion is a form of mindfulness that allows us to notice our emotions without judgment, so we can take care of them instead of pushing the problem away. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three parts:
The Gottman Institute calls defensiveness one of the "Four Horsemen" that predict the end of relationships. This is because whether or not the accusation is fair, defensiveness is about shifting the blame and not about finding a solution. Defensiveness changes conversations into contests over who is right instead of finding a way to relate to where the other person is coming from. Regardless of who is being defensive in the conversation, a good way to stop the blame-passing is to take accountability for your own role in the issue at hand. Describing problems using "I" statements that highlight your point of view can make feedback seem less accusatory than “you” statements.
For example, you could say, "I've been feeling overwhelmed by all of the dishes left in the sink" instead of, "You never help clean the kitchen." You can explain yourself, but also respond with accountability for your part in the dilemma (e.g., "I've been very busy, but I see where I could have helped out more around the house"). This helps keep the conversation focused on being open, creating more space for all involved to let their guards down and come to a solution without feeling somehow targeted or judged.
Give Yourself A Moment
Harvard Business Review suggests taking three breaths before responding to criticisms that put you on edge:
Another suggestion from Harvard Business Review is finding a solution is to be a "plusser." This means listening to what the other person says and then building on it, for example, by asking what they think the next step should be. Try asking something like, "I see where you might be coming from, could you say more about that?" Asking meaningful questions keeps the conversation cooperative and helps the other person feel heard.
Get Help Lowering Your Defensiveness
It can be a challenge to see the patterns that unconsciously influence our actions. This is especially true of defensive behaviors we use to protect the parts of ourselves that are most vulnerable. Talking with a licensed counselor can give you a fresh perspective on whether unhelpful thoughts are getting in the way of your full potential.
Online therapy is an incredibly effective solution that utilizes a range of therapy techniques, including cognitive behavioral therapy, art therapy, narrative therapy, and a variety of others. All of these can be incredibly useful in identifying and understanding any defensive tendencies that we may be struggling with. In fact, studies have found that online therapy is not only just as effective as face-to-face therapy, but is immensely helpful in improving social and communication understanding and knowledge in clients working through issues related to those, such as defensiveness.
Defense mechanisms are often rooted in painful experiences. It can take time, patience, and practice to change lifelong emotional habits that we've used to survive difficult situations. Licensed therapists can provide information about coping skills and a nonjudgmental space to try new ways of managing emotions. BetterHelp’s remote platform allows for this to take place anytime, anywhere, including the comfort of your own home. There’s no need to sit in an office if you don’t feel comfortable doing so, or to even see your therapist – instant messaging, phone calls, and live voice recordings are all available options in addition to video calls.
Below are some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people experiencing similar issues.
"My experience with Billie has been outstanding. She is very validating of my concerns and feelings and redirects my focus with compassion when I am repeating negative or self-defeating patterns. Her perspective is helpful and she is consistent, focused on helping her clients make positive changes in their lives. I appreciate her time spent with me and look forward to continuing working with her."
“Brian has helped me immensely in the 5 months since I joined BetterHelp. I feel completely comfortable with him and appreciate that he also feels comfortable sharing his honest thoughts with me. I have noticed a change in my attitude, confidence, and communication skills as a result of our sessions. I feel like he is constantly giving me the tools I need to improve my overall wellbeing and personal contentment.”
Let Your Guard Down to New Possibilities
Defensiveness is an instinctive reaction against things we believe are threats to us, but feedback can give us insight into improving ourselves. Learning new coping skills allows us to be compassionate toward our vulnerabilities and open to new perspectives so we can create better solutions with the people in our lives. All you need are the right tools to get there. Take the first step today.