Over time, you established a trusting friendship with someone. You spent time together, shared experiences and memories and maybe even personal issues and secrets. You believed that your friend had your best interests at heart, and you trusted them with things that were important to you. When you've encountered a situation when friends let you down when you really believed they would have your back, you're left feeling shocked, sad, and disheartened. You're likely to spend time mulling over questions like "How could my friend do this to me?" or "How could I have so badly misjudged their character?"
It's hard to understand the actions of another person, even if they are one of your friends. It is even harder to understand the hurtful actions of friends close to you. But, before you allow yourself to react quickly to the situation, you'll want to take a minute to think straight. Here are some steps to take if you feel disappointed by your closest friends:
The Scope of Friendship Over a Lifetime
There's an old saying that says, "Friends come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime." When you have been let down by friends, you need to ask yourself the following questions: Where do these friends fit into the scope of your life? What did you learn from the experience? Is this a friendship worth saving? The answers to these questions should guide your next steps with your close friends. Some friendships are deeper than others, so while you may share your deepest feelings with one friend, you may only share lunch with other friends, and each friendship will have its own ritual. In these situations, you need to determine the level of your friendship and how much you value these friends. Not everyone will have a smooth relationship with their closest friends, and it's important to realize that that is normal. In a trusting relationship, true friends can talk through the hurt together.
Be aware that it takes time to work through the disappointment when friends disappoint you. You may have to consider your friends and the events for some time and make a tough choice. Realize, if you decide to end the relationship, some friends may let you back if you change your mind, while others won't. So, proceed with caution. Try not to make an impulsive decision based on your initial feelings towards your friends. Give yourself the necessary time that you need to feel sad and assess things. Don't dwell on it for too long, and don't hang on to hard feelings about your friends forever.
Friendships are complex, like romantic relationships, and they don't always make sense. Here are some common questions you may ask yourself about your friends:
The following steps can help you learn how to deal with disappointment when friends hurt or disappoint you.
"Sometimes when you're too close to the situation it's hard to separate the facts from your emotions. If you're struggling to sort through your feelings, talking to a licensed therapist can help you see things more clearly."
Occasionally, you may run into a friendship that begins well and ends up toxic. But, in most cases, when friends disappoint you, it's not a complete disaster. Sometimes it is even less about what your friends did and more about how you perceive what they did. While your friends may have made a mistake or acted impulsively, it may not have been intentional. You will have to try to be objective in the friendship to determine what actually happened and why. If you feel like your friends are constantly letting you down, it might be time to focus on making new friends.
Considering Your Friend's Perspective
After you have taken time to assess your feelings and objectively look at what happened with your friends, it is time to move forward and discuss the situation with the other friends or friend involved. It may be useful to talk to the close friend that harmed you and learn more about their perspective. Your friends might not even know how much they hurt you. This is your opportunity to explain your feelings to your friends and ask them about theirs. As hurt as you may be, avoid going into this discussion believing you are right in your assessment of the situation. Also, avoid planning only to attack your friends and make them feel bad. The type of approach that you use with friends can make all the difference in whether it goes sour or turns out well. A discussion with your friends can help, and it may allow your friends to explain their actions in a way that mends the relationship. What works with one friend may not work with them all, but as long as your friend lets you know how they're feeling, you can avoid letting the disappointing feelings consume you.
After allowing yourself some time to get over the initial disappointment of feeling let down, make an attempt to offer grace. When you do this, however, refrain from retelling the story with other friends or continuing to act like the victim in front of your friend. Forgive your friend and move on. Forgiveness is also good for your health. You might be surprised when you feel good after talking things over and offering grace to the friendship.
While this is difficult to do with new friends, sometimes after an attempt to reconcile, you may need to decide to move on. If you can't forgive them, accept the situation for what it is and offer them grace. Giving them some dignity in spite of the situation allows you the opportunity to get rid of your bitterness. More importantly, be cognizant that your response to the situation is a reflection of your character. Each opportunity is an opportunity for you and your best friends to rise above the fray.
Sometimes when you're too close to the situation it's hard to separate the facts from your emotions. If you're struggling to sort through your feelings, and keep thinking the same things over and over again, talking to an in-person or online counselor can help you see things more clearly. You will be able to talk freely about what you’re experiencing in a nonjudgmental environment.
Use of online platforms such as the credentialed counselors at BetterHelp can help you sort through your feelings and gain a healthier perspective with professional help. BetterHelp has online therapists who are available whenever and wherever to help you process difficult times and learn how to move forward in a healthy and positive way. Here you are able to make use of just one consultation or as many as you feel are needed. And, you will meet with a therapist on your time and where you feel most comfortable, through video, text messages, or phone calls. Below are some reviews of the counseling services provided by BetterHelp from people experiencing similar issues.
When a friend lets you down, it can be difficult to understand the situation and navigate your feelings. Using the strategies mentioned above can help you learn how to deal with the situation in a positive way. Whether you choose to continue the relationship or not, you can move forward in a way that you can feel good about. Take the first step today.