Coping with disappointment when your friends let you down
When you trust your friends and loved ones, it can seem like a betrayal when they let you down. However, looking at the potential causes behind their behavior might be helpful. When a friend lets you down, investigate their response and try to find healthy ways to communicate. After you explore the situation further, you may better understand whether you want to reconcile or part ways.
How to use communication to understand
Resolving disappointment and hurt when a friend lets you down may be difficult without a conversation if you hope to reconcile the friendship. In these cases, it can be helpful to understand the circumstances behind what led your friend to behave in this way. In addition, your friend might not know how upset you are, so communicating your feelings to them directly may open the conversation to a more honest resolution.
Discuss the concern in person
Talking face-to-face with your friend may minimize the opportunity for misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Trying to resolve these situations in a text might not be effective because it could come off as too brief, impulsive, or lacking tone.
If distance is a problem, try talking to your friend via video, phone, or email. An email can be written and saved for a few hours before you edit and send it. However, if you live near your friends, try to talk to them in person about how their behavior impacted you. They might misinterpret your intentions online or ignore you if they don't want to respond.
Check in with yourself
Before reaching out, ask yourself if you're prepared to try to understand your friend's perspective. If you're unwilling to sway from your own interpretation, it might cause conflict. If you are ready to understand their perspective, ask them if they've been feeling well with your relationship and why they might have acted the way they did.
Be prepared to listen, as you might find that their intentions were positive, but their actions did not reflect how they meant to come off.
Maintain respect
During the conversation, try to maintain your composure and avoid speaking from a place of hurt or anger. Passive-aggressive or sarcastic behavior might worsen your situation. Instead, be open and honest about your feelings regarding your friendship. Labeling your emotions instead of blaming them on your friend might also be beneficial. You can say, "I'm angry right now, and I'm coming to you to understand the situation better so we can move forward healthily."
Consider fairness
Treat your friend how you would want to be treated if the tables were turned. For example, if your friend betrayed you by going behind your back to tell another friend about a secret you trusted them with, consider how you'd feel if you did the same and why you might do so. Even if you'd never tell a secret to someone else, you can try to understand your friend's point of view. Perhaps they misunderstood your request for them not to tell the information to others or didn't know it was a secret. If you asked them not to tell anyone, maybe they felt some people were left out of that, such as their partner or another close friend they trusted.
While talking to them, you can reiterate your boundary about having secrets and let them know you're upset. However, try to be as fair as possible and understand that the situation might not be black-and-white for them.
Practice deep breathing
If at any point you feel that you are struggling to listen effectively or can't move past the anger you may feel, try to use your breathing. Breathing exercises have been associated with lower anxiety levels, which may prompt you to slow down your thinking. You could ask your friend if you can take a break and return to the conversation later.
Respect your feelings
As you've extended the willingness to listen to your friend's perspective, it can be vital to listen to your own. Unresolved feelings can cause conflict within a relationship but can also cause mental and physical side effects.
A 2019 paper from the International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research Studies reviewed multiple published studies on the effects of repressed emotions. It noted that individuals who repress their emotions also suppress their body's immunity, making them more vulnerable to various illnesses.
If a friend lets you down, acknowledge the feelings that follow. Feelings may be difficult to label because they often overlap. For instance, feelings of anger may also include resentment, jealousy, envy, sadness, disgust, or fear. Try to isolate your feelings individually and identify the principal cause for each.
Make a decision
If you have gone through a conversation with your friend and reflected on your own feelings, there are a few decisions you can make. Note that your friend might also have a conflicting idea of what the resolution looks like for them, so keep that in mind as you make your choice.
Making amends
After taking some time to communicate about the situation, you might choose to forgive your friend and make efforts to reconcile. You may find that your friendship has grown stronger because of this conflict or that you understand each other more deeply.
When you decide to forgive, try to commit to moving on. Be mindful of your words and actions regarding the situation, as you may behave in ways that indicate you haven't let go of what occurred. You might keep their actions in mind to be cautious for the future but try not to partake in passive-aggressive conversation or blame them for the past if you have another unrelated disagreement.
Making amends can take as much time as you need. If you want to start slowly or redefine the level of closeness in your relationship, that can be a healthy way to ensure your boundaries are met moving forward.
Deciding to walk away
If your friend doesn't try to listen to you and acknowledge your feelings, you might decide to move on. The behavior of others may not line up with your expectations. However, isolation or rejection can be painful, and if your friend makes a mistake, you might expect an apology or attempt to repair the relationship. If these aren't offered, it could mean your friend isn't ready to take responsibility for their behavior.
If your friend does try to apologize, but you can't forgive them, accept the situation for what it is and offer them grace. Giving them some dignity despite the situation allows you the opportunity to move beyond unwanted feelings. In addition, be mindful to ensure your response to the situation reflects your character.
Be aware that it could take time to work through the feelings you experience after being betrayed. If you decide to end the relationship, proceed with caution. Some friends may accept reconciliation in the future, whereas others might also move on or feel hostile toward you for your choice.
How to cope with disappointment after hurt
Even if you've obtained closure from a friendship or situation, you might experience a range of emotions. You may feel betrayed, abandoned, rejected, or hurt. However, letting those feelings consume your thoughts for extended periods could be unhealthy. Below are a few steps to take to cope with disappointment and other unwanted emotions.
Recognize that friendships often end
Like romantic relationships, friendships may end for a healthy reason. Parting with friends can leave you questioning, "Why don't my friends like me anymore?" However, if you and your friend have parted ways, it might be a regular part of growth. Remind yourself of why the friendship ended and try to reassure yourself that you don't need the approval of your past friend, as your relationship has ended, and not everyone will feel the way your ex-friend did about your friendship.
Take time to acknowledge disappointment
Relationships that end might not end cleanly or comfortably. You may experience feelings of loss after you and your friend "break up," so recognize those feelings and give them space to exist. If your friend did not apologize or offer closure, you might also work on accepting that fact and giving yourself the time to acknowledge that they couldn't meet you where you were.
Take time to adjust
When you're used to having a friend in your life, you might not be able to predict how their absence will impact daily life. Take time to assess how your life might change without your friend. Then, structure a new agenda to cope with their absence.
Respect your other friends
If you and your friend have a relationship with your other friends, they might "pick sides" or feel uncomfortable deciding who to invite to functions. Check in with them about how they feel and let them know you're comfortable with them taking space from conversations about your friend if needed.
Focus on your healthy connections
Once you've communicated openly with your remaining friends, take time to let them know you value their friendship and appreciate what makes it unique. If you have multiple healthy relationships in your life, focus on improving your connection with these people, and try not to let what happened with your ex-friend make you avoid other connections.
Talk to a therapist
There are several ways for friends to act in betrayal or let someone down. It can be normal for these situations to result in complicated feelings that impact multiple areas of life. When a friend lets you down, it may negatively affect your self-esteem, create trust issues with others, and prompt existing or new mental health challenges.
If this is the case for you, consider seeking support from someone objective and experienced. If you aren't feeling up to making appointments or attending in-person appointments, you can also try online therapy. Online therapy provides a safe space to discuss these challenges and receive support. In addition, studies show that people feel more comfortable, adaptable, and relaxed in their homes. As online therapy can be done from home, you may notice that talking to a therapist through phone, video, or live chat sessions can feel safer and more supportive than meeting someone in person.
If you're ready to start improving your mental health or discussing this situation further, a platform like BetterHelp can match you with a therapist on your time from anywhere with an internet connection.
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Takeaway
Why do friends turn against you?
It can be distressing when friends let you down, especially if they begin acting against your best interests. They might be alienating mutual friends from you, spreading rumors, or otherwise treating you in a way that a friend shouldn’t. Very few friendships are lifelong, and many friendships run a natural course, but not every friend will turn against you when the friendship is over.
It is possible they turned against you because they felt slighted by something you did, can no longer get something from you, or have found a new group of friends with higher social capital. It’s also possible that you simply grew apart at first, and your friend later found justification to treat you poorly.
Whatever the reason, having a friend turn against you can make it harder to trust people and may be detrimental to your self-esteem. It is important to remember that while many friendships do end, the ending of a friendship should still be based on respect and civility. While it isn’t fun to lose a friend, it's important to remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
How do you know if a friendship is over?
A friendship might be over if you no longer feel the connection you once had. Much like a romantic relationship, it can be tempting to continue a friendship past a natural ending point to maintain the status quo. If you consider your feelings and discover you no longer want to be friends with someone, it's important to end that friendship with civility and respect.
If you think one of your friends wants to end the friendship, but you want to continue it, you might consider confronting them in a healthy way and encouraging them to talk openly about their feelings. You can ask them directly - maintaining a respectful demeanor - if they want the friendship to continue. They may discuss their reasons for ending the friendship if they are willing, but you should be prepared not to get that information. You might also find out that they want the friendship to continue, but life circumstances or other factors are making it hard for them to socialize with you in the way they once did.
How do you react when your friends ditch you?
Ditching occurs when a person or group starts an activity with someone and then abandons them before the activity concludes. For example, a group of friends may all head to the mall together and maneuver themselves so that one friend is left sitting in a common area, separated from the rest of the group. The group then continues on without the person who’s been ditched. Ditching is an intentional form of exclusion; it doesn’t feel good and is typically done to convey disrespect and contempt. It is important to note that becoming separated accidentally is not necessarily ditching.
If you’ve been ditched, you know how unpleasant the feeling can be. Exclusion can cause significant mental distress for the person being ditched while simultaneously strengthening the bonds of the rest of the group in an unhealthy way. One of the first things to do is confront one or more group members, remembering to maintain composure and civility. You might discover that the ditching was a mistake, an isolated incident, or the group was otherwise misinformed. If that’s not the case, or if they refuse to explain, it is likely time to think of your next move and consider finding friends who treat you with more respect.
Why do people stop being your friend?
People may stop being your friend for many reasons, several of which likely have nothing to do with you personally. Sometimes, things “just happen.” Two friends might naturally grow apart, developing new interests and life paths incompatible with their former friendship. A person might also struggle to maintain a friendship in a healthy way due to personal challenges or mental health concerns.
They might also end a friendship because they seek higher social standing or have otherwise shifted their social priorities. To some people, things are more valuable than relationships, leading to them ending a friendship for material reasons. While a friendship ending is often sad, it's important to remember that very few friendships are life-long, and its okay to let them go when necessary.
Why does my friend make me feel drained?
Many draining people are inherently self-serving, but it’s also possible that you are simply no longer compatible with a friend who makes you feel drained. You might gain a better understanding by thinking carefully about your friendship. Is your friend asking to spend time doing activities you don’t enjoy? Do they insist on spending more time together than you’re comfortable with? Do they have traits that annoy or irritate you?
If your friend simply isn’t enjoyable to be around, it might be time to respectfully end the friendship. Similarly, if you realize you feel drained because your friend never puts in the same effort you do, violates your boundaries, or disrespects you (even if they claim to be joking), it’s likely worthwhile to consider whether they consistently treat you with respect and kindness, as all friends should. Your feelings matter, and you don’t have to continue a friendship you are uncomfortable with.
What are boundaries in a friendship?
There are many types of boundaries in a friendship, and setting healthy boundaries is as important for friendships as it is for family or romantic relationships. Boundaries help prevent resentment, promote self-care, and help you be the best version of yourself. Some common examples of boundaries in a friendship are listed below:
- Time Boundaries, such as only hanging out for a specified time or declining an invitation because you have work or school obligations.
- Material Boundaries might include not lending money or personal objects, like your car or laptop.
- Physical Boundaries relate to your personal space, including choosing what food you eat, how your living space is utilized, or avoiding hugs if they make you uncomfortable.
- Intellectual Boundaries relate to your thoughts and ideas. Your friends might respect that boundary by not offering unsolicited advice, demeaning your values, or being willing to agree to disagree.
- Sexual Boundaries don’t only mean not having sex with you - although some friends do engage in sexual relationships - but also not discussing sex or sexual topics that may make you uncomfortable.
How do you know if your friend doesn't value you?
One of the best ways to know if your friend doesn’t value you is to trust your gut instinct. If you don’t feel valued, it’s unlikely the person is acting in a way that aligns with what value means to you. It doesn’t mean that your friend is intentionally disrespecting or devaluing you, but it might still mean that the friendship has run its course.
Other signs might be apparent to others as well as yourself. Toxic friendships often occur when one or both friends avoid ending an unhealthy friendship. Your friend might be promoting a toxic friendship if any of the below resonate with you:
- They always seem to be causing drama or are at the center of it.
- Everything seems to be about them, even when you’re trying to discuss issues important to you.
- They are overly competitive and struggle to lose to you with grace. They might try to make you feel worse after a victory.
- They do not respect your boundaries, even after you verbally enforce them.
- They try to control you and your choices.
- They are constantly needy, competing for your attention, or seem to rely on you to function. Excessively needy friends might value what you provide but don’t value you as a person.
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