How To Encourage Someone To Be A Better Person
Sometimes we love people who are not all that loveable. They have what one might call a questionable moral compass, or a nasty disposition, or they simply do not treat others with positive regard. They might be the type of individuals who make us wonder about our own personal characteristics, what sort of person we are because we attract and love someone who is basically so unlovable, so underserving of our love.
No One Makes Another Change
One of the clichés often heard in movies and read in books is when the bad boy or bad girl tells the girl or boy next door type that they want to be a better person…then miraculously they become that better person. It would be lovely to have that experience in real life. To see that our "goodness" rubs off on other people that we know and wish to be better.
It is often advised that we should never enter a relationship with the goal in mind of changing the other person. Sometimes, there are issues with another person that run deeper than them not being likable or lovable. Sometimes, we love someone who seems to deliberately extract pain on others. Sometimes, we love someone who is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or other damaging behaviors. We can understand how it would not be easy to change the addictive behaviors. Years of treatment and 12 step programs before us may have failed. It is the other behaviors such as being rude, maybe even dishonest, or irresponsible that we fool ourselves into believing we can change.
Be the Person You Want to Love You
The only thing we can do to help or encourage someone who hurts us is to be a better person, to act and live like we deserve a better person. Let us just ponder that statement for a moment. Do we believe that we deserve a better person? That is the key, isn't it? What is it about the person that attracts us? Do we love because we are loved, believe we are loved, or do we simply love?
If we live each day as though we deserve that day, and if we treat ourselves with respect, then we should attract those who will respect us and deserve us. Often good people attract those who are not so good. Yes, it makes them want to change. They may even be able to compose a façade for a period of time. However, whatever mask they have adorned will begin to slip in time. Typically, it does so at such a gradual pace that we begin to question our ability to choose for ourselves. The truth is there was something that did make that individual want to be a better person, at least long enough to attract us. We fell in love with the person we thought that person to
Typically, it does so at such a gradual pace that we begin to question our ability to choose for ourselves. The truth is there was something that did make that individual want to be a better person, at least long enough to attract us. We fell in love with the person we thought that person to be, or the person he or she longed to be, but for whatever reason cannot.
Deserving vs. Undeserving
The reason the individual begins to treat us badly is because he or she sees the constancy of our goodness, and realizes just how very far short of us he or she falls. When this happens, the ill treatment begins because this individual realizes he or she is undeserving of us. No matter how much we try to convince them they are, they know themselves better than we. It is painful to let go, but let go we must. No one should ever place themselves in an unhappy relationship hoping for positive outcomes that are not in evidence.
The best encouragement we can provide for someone to become a better person is to be better ourselves. When we reflect in our daily actions and interactions and the value we place on ourselves as individuals, we are better able to recognize those same characteristics in others.
Learning one's self-worth is not easy for many. Self-esteem building takes time, work, and support.