From Heartbreak To Reconciliation: How To Win Your Ex Back
Reconciling with an ex may require patience, effort, and a willingness to work on the relationship. It also takes understanding your own emotions and emotional state, which is important before you take action. Advice that therapists might give is that seeking reconciliation with an ex should come from self-respect and not from desperation. It could be a long and winding road, but with the right approach and mindset, it might be possible to build a more robust and healthier relationship. Below, we’ll explore reconciliation and discuss some strategies for trying to win your ex back.
Understanding the breakup
While you may miss your ex and feel compelled to reach out to them, taking time for self-reflection during the period that you spend apart is an important step in the process. Create the space that you need in order for this to take place. After a breakup, many people tend to forget the reasons why they broke up in the first place.
Before making the decision to try to win your ex back, it may be helpful to consider a few questions about your relationship to understand why it ended. You may want to try to figure out the root cause of the breakup and what part of the main concerns may have been under your control. Looking at the relationship objectively may help you understand how to move forward. You might ask yourself the following questions before reconciling:
- Was the breakup due to a particular event or a gradual decline in communication and trust?
- Were there underlying problems that were never addressed?
- Are there patterns that may continue if you reconcile?
Taking time to heal
Before starting the reconciliation process, it may be beneficial to take some time to heal and focus on self-care. Research shows that self-care can decrease anxiety and increase self-confidence and happiness. Self-care can look different to each person, but it typically involves caring for both mind and body. For example, you might focus on getting proper rest, eating healthy food, and caring for your mind through practices such as deep breathing and meditation.
Another part of self-care following a breakup may involve caring for your social needs by spending time with friends and family. This may reinforce your support network and help keep you from reaching out to your ex too soon if you decide to try to win them back.
Self-care also means that you start investing in yourself to regain self-respect and hope. This might mean investing in your health, personal growth, career, your creative pursuits, or saving money. You might practice mindfulness, keep a journal, or spend time in nature. This focus on yourself not only boosts your self-esteem, but it also makes re-attraction from your ex more possible, as the most attractive thing in a partner can be someone who has grown personally and is genuinely happy in their new reality.
Understand the dynamics of re-attraction
A few factors may be involved in re-attraction, such as a mature emotional state and non-attachment to a specific outcome. Being non-needy, authentic, and emotionally mature is much more attractive than when someone plays hard-to-get. That kind of game playing can lead straight back to the dynamics that caused the breakup in the first place. Rather, most people respond best when approached calmly and respectfully instead of with manipulative tactics.
Re-establishing communication
Once you’ve taken sufficient time to reflect, you might consider re-establishing communication with your ex. You can begin by reaching out and initiating a conversation while being mindful of their feelings and boundaries. You could send out an exploratory text and see if they text you back. From there, it might lead to a text or phone conversation. If you decide to meet up, or even go on a first date, casual meet-ups like coffee or a walk may be a good choice. It may be helpful to keep the conversation light and neutral, avoiding heavy or emotionally charged topics. You could keep small-talk conversation topics to things such as hobbies, jobs, or shared experiences. Respond positively to what your ex says—show curiosity and demonstrate that you are genuinely happy to reconnect rather than bringing up major insecurities right away. This approach may help you both to rebuild trust as you resume communication.
Showing personal growth
One factor that may help you win your ex back is demonstrating personal growth and a willingness to work on the relationship. This could involve working on growth areas and being open and honest about your intentions. During this process, it may help to show that you are listening intently to your ex's perspective and are willing to compromise to build a stronger relationship. Showing you are committed to growth and improvement may go a long way in demonstrating your love and dedication to the relationship.
Practicing healthy communication is another way that you can demonstrate personal growth and also increase the possibility of things going smoothly. Good communication skills and emotional restraint can help you avoid misunderstandings and potential conflict, and if you talk through concerns in a positive way, it demonstrates emotional safety and a sense of respect for the other person. This kind of honest yet calm dialogue can help both partners eventually reach a mutual understanding.
Making amends
If any specific events led to the breakup, it may be necessary to apologize and make amends for any hurtful actions or words. This could be a complex and vulnerable process, but it may demonstrate to your ex that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions and take concrete steps toward change.
Building a strong foundation
The reconciliation process may not just be about winning your ex back but about building a solid and healthy relationship. This typically involves open and honest communication, mutual respect, and a commitment to growth and improvement. This process may also involve setting boundaries and establishing trust, as well as working through any lingering concerns from the past. This may allow you to focus on the present and build a solid foundation for the future.
Setting realistic expectations
Even if you do everything “right,” it’s not a guarantee that you and your ex will reconcile and get back together. It takes both people’s willingness to try again, as well as both people’s willingness to change and grow. Having a good reason for getting back together, as well as the timing of things, can all contribute to whether you get back together or not. It’s more important to let these things happen naturally through honest communication than “playing hard” in order to win your ex back. Honesty will ultimately matter more than manipulation. Learn to recognize the signs of when it’s a good idea to move forward and when it might be better to wait or let go.
Rebuilding trust and connection
Restoring trust takes effort, compassion, and attention to your emotional state. Encourage vulnerability, in yourself and in your partner, but use patience, because rebuilding trust can take time. You can slowly rebuild emotional intimacy through consistent actions and spending quality time together. Meet-ups should be about shared enjoyment, laughter, and discovering what made the relationship special in the first place. Being authentic and not being needy are what matter when you spend time together, and these can be the most attractive thing about you.
Common mistakes to avoid
If you decide to try to win your ex back, it may be helpful to avoid common mistakes that could hinder progress. Below are some common mistakes to avoid:
- Being too pushy or demanding. If you send your ex numerous text messages or call them often, they may feel pressured and be less likely to want to reconcile.
- Bringing up old arguments or hurtful events from the past. Focusing on the present and building a solid foundation may be much more fruitful in your attempt to reconcile.
- Being overly emotional or aggressive. Instead of diving into deep emotions, it may help to keep conversations neutral and calm.
- Not being willing to make changes or compromise. Relationships are typically built on mutual respect and a willingness to work together, and winning your ex back may require a commitment to growth and improvement. This may involve actively working on areas that you’d like to improve to demonstrate your commitment to personal growth.
- Not being willing to be your authentic self, pretending to be someone you’re not, or pretending that your self-respect doesn’t matter can start any new connection in an inauthentic way. Practice acting in a way that’s aligned with your values.
- Being too needy and dependent can also push people away. Practice being non-needy, confident, and self-reliant, which is the most attractive thing.
- Bringing up major insecurities can also turn people away. Start the conversation off on a positive note and wait to have more serious conversations. Get support from a therapist to work on your insecurities.
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Focus on long-term happiness
The goal of actually getting back together isn’t simply the act of reconciliation, but rather building a fulfilling relationship and experiencing personal growth. Success in love often comes when someone is genuinely happy with their own life and their new reality. Self-respect, self-care, and self-reflection are important parts of emotional healing and forward momentum that can allow for a more healthy and satisfying relationship.
Seeking professional help
If the reconciliation process becomes overwhelming or confusing, you may benefit from talking to a counselor who has experience helping people navigating this process. If you don’t feel comfortable with traditional in-office counseling after a breakup, you might consider trying online therapy, which research shows to be just as effective as in-person therapy.
With an online therapist, you can discuss your relationship and the reconciliation process from the comfort of your home or anywhere with an internet connection. You can communicate with your therapist in a way that’s most comfortable for you, whether by phone, videoconferencing, live chat, or a combination of these methods. You can also reach out to your therapist at any time through in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can. This may be useful if you have questions about reconciliation in between therapy sessions.
Getting started with BetterHelp is simple:
- Take a short questionnaire. Answer a few quick questions about your goals, preferences, and the type of therapist you’d like to work with.
- Get matched quickly. In most cases, you can be matched with a licensed provider in as little as 48 hours.
- Start therapy on your terms. Schedule sessions by video, phone, or live chat, and join from anywhere you have an internet connection.
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How can you win back someone you love?
Winning back someone you love is typically a multi-step process that takes time and effort. The best way to do it will likely depend on your unique situation and why you separated in the first place, but here are some tips for winning back someone you love:
Reflect on why the relationship ended
Even if they seem simple, breakups are often (but not always) due to complex issues compounded over time. If you want your ex back, you might need to understand what happened to the best of your ability so you know where to begin.
Assess your emotions
Sometimes, breakups illicit confusing emotions that might take time to understand fully. For example, do you miss your ex, or do you miss the companionship they provided? Because you’re hurting, it doesn’t necessarily mean you really want them back; it could be that you just need a little time to process your emotions and move on with or without your ex.
Give them a little time
Taking some time alone might be good for you both. It’ll give them time potentially to realize they miss you when you don’t contact them. Still, more than that, it’ll provide you with time to get to know yourself better, focus on the things in your life that bring you happiness outside of your relationship, and contemplate how you’ll handle your (possibly) renewed relationship this time around.
Ask if they’re still interested
If, after the break, you still feel like you want to get back together, have a conversation about it. Ask to meet in person, tell them how you feel, and communicate about what you both want. If you agree to get back together, it may be a good idea to communicate what you think should change this time.
How can you rekindle a relationship after breaking up?
Current studies on rekindled relationships are limited, but those still out there indicate that roughly 50% of relationships reunite after breaking up. Relationships can’t always be rekindled, but if you and your ex are willing to give it a try, here are some tips on how to make it work again:
Communicate openly and honestly
Breakups are often complicated; in most cases, both parties play a part in determining what caused them to end. Have an open, honest conversation with your ex about what went wrong in the relationship and what changes you both can make to improve it. Respect each other’s perspective and work together to develop a better partnership this time around.
Show genuine effort
Show your ex that you’re willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work. This might involve making changes in your behavior, being more understanding and supportive, and actively working on resolving any conflicts.
Spend quality time together
Plan fun and meaningful activities to make new memories and strengthen your bond. Doing things you both enjoy can help reignite the spark in your relationship.
Seek professional support
If you are struggling to rekindle the relationship on your own or feel like you would like to strengthen your communication and conflict resolution skills together, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. A professional can provide guidance and support in navigating the challenges of rebuilding a relationship after a breakup.
How do you get over an ex?
If you’ve decided that getting back together isn’t a good idea (or possible), you’ll need to begin the process of moving on. It may be painful, but take care of yourself and focus on your own well-being during this time. Here are some tips to help you recover post-breakup and get on with your life:
Allow yourself time to grieve
It’s normal to feel a range of emotions after a breakup. You might feel sad, angry, and confused within the course of an hour. Get in touch with these emotions and understand they’re part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel them as they come, and take your time processing them. Journaling about your emotional experiences right now is a good tool for self-understanding.
Distance yourself
You’ll likely need to establish boundaries and make a no-contact rule with your ex to heal and move on. It might make it easier if you delete your text messages and remove their number from your phone. Unfollow or hide them on social media and avoid places where you might run into each other.
Practice self-care
Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Exercise regularly, get plenty of sleep, and eat a nutritious diet. Engage in stress-relieving activities like mindfulness, meditation, spending time in nature, and deep breathing exercises. Stay busy doing things that bring you joy and spend time with those you care about.
Focus on self-development
Now might be an excellent time to engage in activities that support self-betterment. Learn a new language or how to play an instrument. Go back to school to further your degree or focus on advancing your career. Learning a new skill can help build your self-esteem and serve as a healthy distraction.
Reflect on the relationship
Reflect on the relationship and what you have learned from it. Consider the reasons why it ended and what you can do differently in future relationships. Relationships can change us in different ways, so taking the time to understand how this one impacted you can help you grow as an individual and establish healthy relationships in the future. This is another time in which keeping a journal can be beneficial for self-betterment.
Seek support
Breakups can be emotionally overwhelming and impact a person’s daily life in many ways if they’re struggling to cope. If you don’t think you can make it through this time on your own, consider reaching out to a therapist for support. A mental health professional can provide you with the tools necessary to cope with the loss of your relationship and move on.
Is it possible to regain trust after a breakup?
It is possible to regain trust after a breakup, but it might require time, patience, and effort, and you both must be willing to put in the work. Here are some things to focus on when you’re trying to restore trust in a relationship:
- Communication: Have open, honest conversations with your ex about what went wrong in the relationship and what changes need to be made to rebuild trust.
- Consistency: Show your ex through your actions that you’re trustworthy and committed to making the relationship work.
- Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and expectations in the relationship to prevent misunderstandings and build transparency around your actions and intentions.
- Empathy: Consider the situation from their point of view and acknowledge your ex’s feelings and experiences. Understanding and validation can go a long way in rebuilding trust.
Seek professional help if you’re struggling to rebuild trust on your own. A relationship counselor can support and guide you in navigating the challenges of rebuilding trust after a breakup.
How do I get him back without begging?
If you think you’ve tried everything to get your ex back short of begging, it might be tempting to do just that. But begging will likely push him farther away and reduce your chances of reuniting. Giving him space to process his emotions and reflect on the relationship might be the last thing you want to do, but it’s necessary if you want to increase your odds of getting back together. Avoid contacting him excessively or pressuring him.
Now is an excellent time to focus on self-improvement and personal growth. Taking care of yourself demonstrates that you can be strong and independent, which will likely make him more interested in getting back together. Take care of your physical and emotional well-being, pursue your interests and hobbies, and work toward becoming the best version of yourself.
If you feel ready to reach out to your ex, do so in a casual, friendly manner. Begin by checking in on how they’re doing and see if they’re open to having a conversation. If they aren’t receptive, don’t pressure them. Either way, approach the situation with maturity and respect and avoid playing games or manipulation. If they’re open to the idea of getting back together, take it slowly and allow things to develop naturally.
How do you know it’s really over?
Recognizing and accepting that your relationship is over can be painful, but it’s the first step to moving on. A communication breakdown is often one of the first signs that a relationship isn’t going to work out. If you and your partner can’t communicate effectively or aren’t communicating at all, your relationship may be on its way out.
A loss of trust between you may also be an indicator that your relationship is in jeopardy, as is a loss of interest in physical or emotional intimacy. While disagreements are normal in any relationship, constant conflicts and unresolved arguments leading to emotional distress may be a sign the relationship is over.
It might be time to move on if you’re constantly unhappy, resentful, or unfulfilled in the relationship. The same may be true if you and your partner have grown apart and now have incompatible goals, priorities, or values.
How do you repair a damaged relationship?
Some relationships are more easily repaired than others, but it is possible if you and your partner have agreed and are prepared to commit. Often, the first step is to have an open, honest conversation about the issues that have caused damage in the relationship. Listen to their perspective, offer your own, and work together to find a solution. Be honest with yourself and your partner about what went wrong, take responsibility for your part, and expect them to do the same.
During disagreements, treat each other with empathy and understanding. Validate each other’s emotions and show you’re committed to rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship. If you’ve hurt your partner in any way, apologize and make amends for your actions. Taking responsibility for your mistakes shows you’re willing to work on improving the relationship.
When is it time to let a relationship go?
If you’re no longer communicating and have no interest in resolving the issues in your relationship, it may be time to let it go. A lack of trust and transparency between you, constant resentment, or a loss of interest in intimacy may also be signs.
What can I do to make him want me again?
The best way to make your ex want you again might be to let him go and live your own life. In such situations, there’s usually a good chance that clinginess and desperation will likely only serve to push him further away. Establishing yourself as strong and independent might rekindle his feelings, but more importantly, it’ll prepare you for the future with or without him.
Should I keep trying to make my relationship work?
It isn’t always easy to tell if you should keep trying, but whether you should likely depends on your unique circumstances and the answers to some key questions. For example, is there a balanced level of effort and commitment from each of you? Are you both willing to acknowledge your issues openly and take responsibility for your contributions? Communication is key for addressing problems in any relationship, but it’s especially vital in repairing relationships that need help. Are you both willing to improve communication and cultivate more empathy in your relationship?
In addition to effort, commitment, and communication, making your relationship work may require setting and respecting boundaries. Are you both able to establish clear boundaries and expectations in the relationship? Can you both respect each other’s boundaries, needs, and desires? Finally, do you still share compatible priorities and goals? Can you support each other’s growth and development—individually and as a couple?
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