Should I Text My Ex? How To Decide What's Best For You

Whether you should text your ex often depends on your situation, including why you want to reach out and how the relationship ended. After a breakup, thinking about your ex and feeling an urge to contact them can be normal, so if you're feeling this way, you're not alone. Still, acting on that urge isn't always the healthiest choice, and taking a moment to reflect first may help.

Why you might want to text your ex

It can be challenging to manage the pain of a breakup. Reaching out to your ex may be tempting, even though it may get in the way of the healing process. The urge to reconnect can come from many places, and understanding what's driving it may help you decide what to do next. Because each relationship can be unique, many people may wonder how to talk to their ex, and it might not be a simple thing to do in the first place.

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Emotional reasons

Losing someone can stir up a wide range of feelings, and those emotions can push us toward reaching out even when it may not serve us. Some common emotional motivations can include:

• Hoping they'll admit they made a mistake or want to reconcile
• Wanting to beg them to come back or shower them with affection
• Feeling angry and wanting to vent or give them "a piece of your mind"
• Wanting to make them jealous or feel wanted again
• Seeking closure or reassurance
• Feeling lonely and missing their presence in your life
• Having a genuine desire to reconnect after some healing has taken place

Each of these motivations can be valid, though acting on some might lead to more pain than relief. Beyond emotions, there can also be practical reasons that make communication necessary.

Practical reasons

Some former partners may have shared responsibilities that require them to communicate. For example, if you and your ex co-parent or have to work out details about living arrangements, the time immediately after a breakup can be particularly challenging.

Other practical matters can include returning belongings or navigating shared social obligations. In these situations, it can be beneficial to try to keep emotions out of the conversation as much as possible, using a business-like tone to work through the necessary details. When the reasons feel less clear-cut, it can help to pause and reflect before reaching out.

Questions to ask yourself before texting your ex

Deciding whether to reach out to an ex can be less about making sure enough time has passed and more about what your intention is and whether you're emotionally ready. Taking time for self-reflection before acting on the urge can help you avoid decisions you might regret later. Here are some questions that can help you decide:

• How did the relationship end?
• How much time has passed?
• Why do you want to reach out?
• What do you want to happen?
• Are you in a safe place?
• Do you feel that reaching out is the healthiest option?
• How will you feel if you don't get the reaction you're hoping for?
• Are you reaching out because you feel lonely?
• Is there something else that may bring you the same feeling as talking to your ex?
• How would talking to your ex improve your situation?
• What's the most likely response?
• Can I accept silence or rejection?

Consider what might happen after you reach out as well. If the attempt to connect goes well, what are you hoping for? Will you have an extended conversation? How do you hope to leave the interaction? What if they don't have a positive response? These questions can help you determine whether you truly want to reconnect. If reflecting on these feels overwhelming, talking with a licensed therapist may help you sort through your feelings before you act.

Assessing your emotional readiness

Being honest with yourself about your emotional readiness can make a meaningful difference. Some signs that you may not be ready yet can include still feeling very angry, hoping the message will produce one specific outcome, or being unable to imagine feeling okay if they don't reply. If any of these feel familiar, it may be worth giving yourself more time before reaching out.

When texting your ex may be okay

There can be situations where reaching out to an ex feels appropriate and may even support your well-being. Below are a few scenarios where texting may work out, along with why they can be different from riskier situations.

After a mutual, respectful breakup

When a relationship ends on low-conflict, mutual terms and both people may be emotionally stable, a message can feel less charged. In these cases, exes may find it easier to communicate without reopening old wounds, especially once some time has passed.

For those still working through relationship dynamics together, couples therapy can offer a supportive space.

When you have practical matters to address

Again, shared responsibilities like co-parenting, dividing belongings, or sorting out financial logistics can make communication necessary. In these moments, keeping a business-like tone and focusing on the task at hand can help keep the conversation productive rather than emotional.

When enough time has passed for genuine healing

If you've had time to heal and you're reaching out with no hidden agenda, contacting your ex may feel more grounded. While timelines are only suggestions, some people feel ready after a few weeks following a short-term relationship, while others may need several months or even years after a longer or more intense relationship. Giving yourself space can help emotions settle and offer a clearer perspective.

When it may help to wait before texting your ex

In some cases, even if you feel like enough time has passed, contacting your ex can make things worse instead of helping you move forward. Recognizing these situations can help protect your well-being.

If the relationship was toxic or abusive

If you were in a toxic, abusive, or manipulative relationship, you might decide against contacting your ex. These qualities could carry from a romantic relationship to a platonic one. Additionally, those who have experienced abuse may feel a need to turn to past abusive partners due to the cycle of abuse. In such cases, cutting off communication and ensuring you're in a safe and supportive environment can be important.

If you're reaching out for reassurance or validation

What you think you want from a text and what you're likely to receive can be very different. If you're contacting your ex hoping for reassurance, seeking validation, feeling angry and wanting to vent, or trying to break out of loneliness, the response may leave you feeling worse. It can help to notice when you're looking for external validation and to consider whether reaching out truly serves you. Similarly, if they've set boundaries you'd be crossing, or if you're stuck in an on-again, off-again cycle with no real change, taking space may be the healthier path.

The no-contact approach

Going no-contact means cutting off all communication with your ex. In some cases, this approach may be necessary to support the healing process; in others, it may make things worse.

Benefits of taking space

Limiting contact with an ex can help you focus on moving on after the relationship. By reducing your exposure to reminders of the past, you may be able to concentrate on regaining clarity and taking care of yourself. Stepping away from emotional turmoil and giving each other space may support healing and help you move forward.

When taking space may backfire

When going no-contact is used as a form of punishment, manipulation, or avoidance instead of as a way to focus on healing, it can be counterproductive. In cases where former partners have shared responsibilities or unsolved logistics about living arrangements and financial concerns, no contact can make things more difficult. If cutting off communication isn't realistic, learning to manage the urge to reach out may be more helpful.

How to stop the urge to text your ex

If you've decided that reaching out isn't the healthiest choice for you, the urge to text can still feel strong. Suppressing your emotions may have mental and physical consequences, so finding healthy outlets for those feelings can matter. Discussing your feelings with a therapist or writing them in a journal could be beneficial when a thought about your ex arises. Below are some practical strategies that may help.

If the urge feels persistent or overwhelming, speaking with a licensed therapist can offer support as you work through these feelings.

How to reach out if you decide to text

Reconnecting can work best when both people are ready, with the goal of seeing if healthy communication is possible after some time has passed. When reaching out for the first time, it can be beneficial to focus on being respectful and keeping your tone neutral rather than emotionally loaded. It can also help to avoid rehashing the past, demanding a response, or overwhelming them with affection.

Low-pressure first messages

When first reaching out, it can be difficult to know what to say. Brief messages that stay low-pressure and neutral and welcome but do not require a positive response can be a place to start. For example, you might choose to send a text that reads:

• Hi, I'm just checking in. If now isn't a good time, I understand. Take all the space you need.
• I'm not interested in rehashing anything, but I just wanted to check in and say hello.
• No need to respond if this isn't a good time. I know you're busy doing your own thing, but I just wanted to say hello.
• Hi, I wanted to sort out a couple of details about the apartment when you have a moment. No rush.
• Hey, I've been thinking about how things ended and I hope you're doing well. No pressure to reply.

If they don't respond, try to let go of the outcome rather than sending follow-up messages. A lack of reply can be information in itself, and respecting that silence can be important.

Setting boundaries for the conversation

Open and honest communication can help in the healing process, but only if both people are ready. Try to be respectful of their boundaries, and remember that you're allowed to have your own as well. Deciding in advance what you're comfortable discussing, and what you're not, can help you feel more grounded during the conversation. Learning about healthy boundaries can support your emotional well-being throughout this process.

How to move forward after a breakup

The healing process can take time. In the process, taking actionable steps to care for yourself can help you begin to bounce back over the weeks and months after the breakup.

Practical steps for healing

Some practical things you can try to work on healing can include:

• Focusing on self-improvement by learning a new hobby, journaling, spending time with friends and family, and/or going to therapy
• Establishing a regular daily routine
• Engaging in physical activity regularly
• Eating regular, balanced meals
• Prioritizing sleep

It can help to remember that healing looks different for everyone. Some people may start to feel better after only a few weeks, while others may take months or longer to start feeling more positive. If you're having a difficult time getting over a breakup and it's impacting your happiness and ability to function in daily life, connecting with a therapist may help.

Benefits of online therapy

If you're experiencing urges to reach out in ways that don't feel healthy for your overall well-being, a therapist can offer support. They may help you process difficult emotions, gain clarity on relationship patterns, and stay grounded.

Online therapy in particular allows you to connect with a licensed therapist from one of the world's largest networks of over 30,000 qualified providers. You can meet with your therapist from the comfort of home, which may be especially helpful if you're struggling to leave the house after a breakup or simply prefer to avoid commuting to a therapist's office.

Some providers on BetterHelp may also be in-network with certain health plans, and co-pays average about $23/session for eligible members. Coverage varies by plan, provider, and therapist availability, so it can help to check your in-network status on the BetterHelp site.

BetterHelp is currently working with select insurance carriers to expand coverage, which may be available in states including VA, DC, MD, FL, NY, AR, IN, KY, TX, PA, IL, NC, MT, MI, CO, OK, CT, MO, NV, OH, NJ, TN, AZ, MA, NE, DE, WV, VT, NH, NM, AL, UT, and GA. Until then, the flexible subscription model continues to be an option to receive quality care, with the cost of online therapy ranging from $70 to $100 per week, billed weekly or monthly, based on your location, referral source, preferences, any applicable discounts (available to non-insured members), and therapist availability.

BetterHelp also now offers psychiatry services through Uplift, an additional care option available alongside therapy that can be part of a holistic mental health care experience for those who may benefit from a psychiatric consultation. Learn more about getting started with psychiatry.

Medication availability and coverage may vary by member location, clinical appropriateness, and individual pharmacy/insurance benefits. Prescribing decisions are made by the treating clinicians. We do not guarantee that any specific medication will be prescribed or covered by a member's insurance plan.

*Based on finalized paid psychiatry visits with a copay. Insurance availability, coverage, and costs vary by state, plan, provider network, and provider availability.

How effective is online therapy after a breakup?

Many studies have explored the outcomes of online therapy, and most show that it can often be an effective way to receive care. For example, a 2024 review of literature on the topic suggests that online talk therapy "can generally reduce symptoms of a wide range of conditions" as well as non-diagnosable mental health challenges. That means it may be a helpful form of support for those experiencing anxiety, depression, and other concerns after a breakup.

These findings are reflected in platform-specific statistics, as figures from 2024 show that 72% of BetterHelp users experienced a reduction in symptoms in 12 weeks. Whenever you're ready, you can take the first step toward receiving support.