How To Win Someone Back – The Ultimate Guide

By Mary Elizabeth Dean

Updated March 28, 2020

Reviewer Kimberly L Brownridge , LPC, NCC, BCPC Counsel The Mind, LLC

You will never believe the saying "You do not know what you have until it is gone" until it happens to you. There can be multiple reasons for how or why you broke up, but that is all in the past now. All you are concerned about is how to win them back. There are a few things you can try to get this accomplished. We will cover these solutions later in the article.

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How to Win Someone Back

A lot of ambition is required to get someone back. First, you must get back into their good graces. Try spending more time with them without any romantic intentions. That is, avoid the term "date" and hang out as friends. Not only will this relieve the pressure of getting back together but also you will gain their trust and perhaps help you determine whether you are sure that you want to win them back.

Next, call them and talk about something that they can relate to so that you can get the conversation going. Have a reason to call, though. Do not just call and ask your ex how they are doing. Otherwise, they may get suspicious and start evading your calls. Make it seem like you just really needed to talk to them about something important.

You then must get their attention. A highly effective way of doing that is changing your look. This can be anything from changing your hairstyle to changing your wardrobe, whatever it takes to make it evident that you have changed and that you are worth a second chance. Make sure that whatever changes you make are true to your inner self. You never want to be someone you're not, especially in a relationship. If you do, you are only setting yourself and the relationship up for failure.

Another way to get their attention is to make them something. It can be a song or poem. It can even be dinner. Let it be something that shows that you care and that displays just how much they mean to you.

Finally, let it be known that you will not make the same mistakes as you did before. They will not commit to you unless they know you won't let that happen again. This means that you will have to be sure that getting back together is what you want because this time around, they will think that you will be in the relationship long-term.


What's Next?

Check your sense of self to be certain that you have confidence in the future of the relationship. If you go into this pursuit with a healthy mindset of optimism, and stability, you can increase your chances of enjoying your self-fulfilling the prophecy in winning them back. Identify deeply with any vulnerabilities you have about the old relationship you shared. Write down any painful thoughts or negative thoughts that could be problematic. Let any issues that went wrong with not connecting with them prior go and try not to focus on them.

When you express your desire to be around this person, do they reciprocate? Hopefully, the person you are trying to win back is not retreating from you. If so, they may act aloof, distant or guarded. This may influence you to respond threatened with heightened feelings of insecurity. Instead, try to understand fears they may have about re-connecting. Rebuilding a relationship requires consistent and dependable energy of acceptance and respect.

Your desire to win this person back may push them away as a potential mate if there is not a true connection. A true connection is needed for loving relationships and to avoid placing yourself in a situation where this person solely exists as a fantasy to you. A state of fantasy is merely an illusion of connection that replaces true love. In a fantasy, your focus is on them and not the substance that they provide to the relationship.

Repeatedly interacting with someone whose impression intensely matters can increase anxiety. When we feel anxious or insecure, some people have a habit of becoming clingy and desperate in their actions. Relationship anxiety can surface at any stage of courtship. Just the thought of rekindling this romance and winning them back can stir up stress. This stress can color either one of your thinking, distort your perceptions, and lead you down a path where you two do not end up together.

Take the edge off by planning exciting activities you can engage with each other that range from challenging, novel, playful, adventurous, interesting, and spontaneous. Increased excitement can help you both cope with worries about getting back together and can help revive the relationship.

These initial worries need time to subside to progress to the later stages of a romantic union. In the meantime, this excess worry about the relationship can make you feel more alone and create further distance between you and them.

Take this time when winning someone back to take care of yourself. Shift inward during your pursuit to have them back as well as outward. Don't necessarily think of the last relationship between you two but use your experiences as a springboard to flex a healthy relationship with yourself too.

Other Ways to Get Someone Back

Relationships take work to master the skills necessary to flourish as a couple. Give yourself space to revisit this relationship with the other person.

Write down any painful thoughts or negative thoughts that could be problematic in getting your ex back. Let any issues that went wrong with not connecting with them prior go and try not to focus on them. By writing these issues down, you're acknowledging that they exist, which is the first step to letting them go.

Use affirmations before your interactions with this person such as: "I am confident, and I have a lot to offer," "I am lovable and worthy of love," or "I believe in myself and what I can do." Use these statements when interacting with them because if you remain focused on the negative thoughts, you will become distracted from truly relating to them. It may seem silly, but affirmations make a difference.

Also, during your reflections of the past, consider if you are setting healthy boundaries with this person. If you want to win them back, consider if they bring you down or make you feel bad about yourself. Reconsider the situation if you feel you must complete unwanted obligations, unnecessary commitments, or relationship dynamics that drain you of your energy.

I Think I Made A Mistake. How Do I Win Them Back?
Develop A Plan With An Expert - Click Here For A Licensed Relationship Counselor.


These steps should be enough to win them back, but if you are struggling with this task or are having trouble figuring out your feelings towards your ex, try speaking with a therapist. A therapist can help you wade through the confusing feelings you have about your ex. A therapist can also help guide you to decide whether this relationship is worth winning back. If you are experiencing a great deal of stress surrounding the situation, a therapist can help with that, too.

The therapists at BetterHelp are accredited professionals that help people every day. Their platform is one hundred percent online, making it easier than ever to reach out and get the help you need. If you are ready to reach out but are worried about the inconvenience of commutes and waiting rooms, this could be right for you. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp counselors, from people experiencing similar issues.

Counselor Reviews

"Mark has been extremely attentive to everything that I disclose. He's not only provided me support but insight and encouragement to let me know I'm on a good path to self improvement and discovery. Furthermore, Mark has provided me valuable insight on my romantic relationship, specifically with learning more about the relationship dynamics and how to build a stronger, healthier relationship."

"A year ago I was experiencing difficulties in my relationship, which highly affected my psychological state and interfered with my work. At one point, I decided to try My counselor Dr. Brewer helped me to see some things I couldn't on my own and encouraged me to prioritize myself. It was a huge help for me at that point, which led to the decisions I am happy about."

FAQ's (Frequently Asked Questions)

What do you say to get someone back?

There are no magic words that you can say to get someone back. The feelings need to be mutual for the relationship to rekindle. Especially if you've already dated someone, there's a lot to consider when it comes to getting back together. Why will things be different this time? What has changed? If you can work through these questions and determine that it's both worth it and healthy to give it another go, open up a conversation with your ex. Tell them how you feel and see if they are on the same page.

How do you win your love back?

Love isn't something that you should have to win back. If you're vying for your ex-partner and they're not interested in continuing the relationship, it'll be an uneven emotional exchange. If you try to win someone back, they'll have power over you and your feelings. If you're trying to "win your love back," think about that long and hard and ask yourself if you want this person to have power over you and your feelings. They could be dating someone new and have already started moving on. Be sure that you want to invest in getting them back. You need to be true to yourself and do what makes you happy outside of relationships. When you're letting the person that you are shine and embracing your good qualities, you'll be happier, and people will be drawn toward you. People like confidence and kindness, so foster those qualities in yourself, and love will come naturally.

How do you get someone back after a breakup?

If you think that getting back together is a possibility, strike up a conversation with your ex-partner. Make sure that they're not dating someone new. You can ask how they're doing and what they've been up to in life. If they're open to it and seem to be in a good place, share your feelings with them. Maybe, they feel the same way and want to get back together with you. You never know until you try, and you might be surprised as to how things unfold.

How do you make him want you back?

Be a person that you'd want to be with. Maybe, you did something that hurt your ex-partner during the last round of your relationship. If that's the case, apologize, and if you've worked on yourself since by going to therapy or working through personal issues that caused you to mistreat them, let them know that. If this is someone who hurt you, though, be cautious about trying to get them back. Step outside of the situation and look at how they treated you. If it were your best friend, what would their ex have to do to deserve getting them back? Apply this to yourself. What does your ex have to do to deserve getting you back? If you struggle to hold yourself to a level of esteem that allows you to ask yourself this question, you might consider therapy or counseling. You deserve to have a healthy relationship with excellent communication.

How do you make him regret breaking up with you?

You can't necessarily make someone feel anything. Their reactions are their own, and yours are yours. One thing that you can do is work to embrace your good qualities. If you're creative, take art classes and better your skills. If you're in school, work hard in your classes and make progress toward your degree. If you're outgoing, go out with friends and perform or get into public speaking. If you have a job that you love, keep progressing at work. Again, confidence is attractive. Whether or not they think of you and wish they were back together with you, you'll be proud of yourself for honing your attributes and skills and will attract people in your life naturally.

How do I make my ex regret?

You can't make a person feel regret. The only person that you're in control of is you. One thing to absolutely avoid doing is to tell them why they should regret letting you go. If you tell them why they should feel regret, you are putting the ball in their court. You're giving them power. Ask yourself why you want to make your ex feel regret. No matter how much this person hurt you, they don't deserve to have this kind of power over you.

How do I get my ex to want me back after he dumped me?

Flip the question. Why do you want your ex to want you back if they dumped you? There's no wrong answer to the question as long as you're honest with yourself about what it is. Do you feel like it was a great connection where you had fun together? Did they treat you well? What did this person bring out in you, and more importantly, do you like what they brought out in you? What matters at the end of the day is that you like who you are as a person.

Can a relationship be saved after a breakup?

A relationship can be saved after a breakup. People get back together all of the time. But both people have to want the relationship for it to work.

How do you get the love of your life back after cheating?

You can't force someone to get back together with you, but if you're still interested in them, there's a chance that they feel the same way. If you cheated on someone, you have to have humility, and you have to take responsibility for what you did. Apologize to this person without expecting anything in return. Let them process their feelings and make their own choices. If they want to reconnect in a romantic way, let them make the first step. Couples counseling is likely to be extremely helpful in the case that you and your ex want to get back together after one of you cheated. A licensed mental health professional will help you sort things out so that there's no resentment or bad blood and will also help you avoid future issues surrounding being unfaithful. If you're going to get back together with someone after cheating on them, don't make the same mistake twice. Be realistic with yourself, and if you can't be faithful, don't try to get this person back at all.

How do you tell if your ex doesn't want you back?

If you talk to your ex and they tell you that they're not interested in rekindling, that's likely the truth, especially if they broke up with you. If you broke up with the person, they might just be saying that they don't want you back to protect their feelings, or they could be being genuine. If you did indeed break up with them, be aware of that and know that you'll have to be vulnerable to get them to open up as well. Either way, trust what they're telling you. If they're dating someone new, likely, they aren't interested in getting back together with you. If your ex doesn't want to try again, you will sense a lack of effort in getting back together on their side.

How do you know if your ex is over you?

If your ex is over you, they won't make an effort to speak to you. That said, not having contact with your ex doesn't necessarily mean that you're not thinking of each other. Your ex may have gone silent and still think about you all of the time, so you'll never know if your ex is over you or not unless you talk to each other about it.

How do you know if your ex is still in love with you?

The only way to know if your ex is still in love with you is to have an honest conversation about it where everyone feels safe enough to share their feelings. If you have a friendly relationship, you can open up a conversation about the possibility of still having feelings for each other. That said, use your best judgment and consider how this may impact the friendship if you are indeed friends.

How do you make someone regret losing you?

It's crucial to focus on yourself. If your ex sees you thriving, they might regret losing you, but there's also no way to guarantee that.

How do you make someone regret leaving you?

Since you can't control what another person feels or does, the most important thing to do is to work toward being okay, whether they regret leaving you or not. Don't try to make them regret leaving you; think about how to make yourself happy.

How do you make a guy realize he is losing you?

First, look at what is going on that is causing him to lose you. Once you identify what's going on in the relationship that's making you want to head out, tell him. Maybe, he's emotionally unavailable, and that's making you want to leave. If that's the case, tell him, "I feel like I need some emotional support. Can I talk to you about how I'm feeling?" Communicating your needs is how you get them met. No one is a mind reader. Even if you believe he knows what he's doing that's making him lose you, he might not. Don't be accusatory - use "I" statements and share with him what you need, not what he's doing wrong. If you're having trouble getting your needs met, couples counseling can help.

Do dumpers regret?

Dumpers often do regret dumping their exes. That said, it depends on the relationship. It's okay if things don't work out. People and circumstances change all of the time, and when a person breaks up with you, it doesn't automatically make them the "bad" guy. It also doesn't say anything about you. Connections fizzle out sometimes, and that's okay. A person will likely regret ending the relationship if the connection is still there, but if there's not one on both sides, there's no need to force it.

Does your ex regret breaking up with you?

Every relationship is so unique that there's no one answer to this question. If your ex still has feelings for you, they probably regret breaking up with you. If your ex doesn't have feelings for you, they might be sad about the end of the partnership but not necessarily regret it.

How do you act around your ex who dumped you?

How you act around a person that dumped you is dependent on what the current standing of your relationship is. Maybe, things ended badly, and you don't talk at all. If that's the case, when you see them in passing, you might not even acknowledge each other. If you're friends, you might have a casual, kind, and open dialogue just like you would in any other friendship. Whatever the case is, take the high road. You don't have to "get back" at them or make them regret anything, nor can you control if someone wants to come back to you or not.


Winning someone back is not always the easiest thing to do. If you dedicate your time and love to it, though, it is not impossible. If you are unsuccessful or need help figuring your feelings, a therapist can always be there for you to fall back on.

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