From Heartbreak To Reconciliation: How To Win Your Ex Back

Medically reviewed by Paige Henry, LMSW, J.D.
Updated May 24, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Have you recently gone through a breakup that you regret? If so, you’re not alone.

Many people experience a desire to reconcile after a breakup. Research shows that nearly 50% of couples reconcile after breaking up.

Reconciling with an ex may require patience, effort, and a willingness to work on the relationship. It could be a long and winding road, but with the right approach and mindset, it might be possible to build a more robust and healthier relationship. Below, we’ll explore reconciliation and discuss some strategies for trying to win your ex back. 

Embark on your journey toward reconciliation and personal growth

Understanding the breakup

Before making the decision to try to win your ex back, it may be helpful to consider a few questions about your relationship to understand why it ended. You may want to try to figure out the root cause of the breakup and what part of the main concerns may have been under your control. Looking at the relationship objectively may help you understand how to move forward. You might ask yourself the following questions before reconciling:

  • Was the breakup due to a particular event or a gradual decline in communication and trust? 
  • Were there underlying problems that were never addressed? 
  • Are there patterns that may continue if you reconcile?

Taking time to heal

Before starting the reconciliation process, it may be beneficial to take some time to heal and focus on self-care. Research shows that self-care can decrease anxiety and increase self-confidence and happiness. Self-care can look different to each person, but it typically involves caring for both mind and body. For example, you might focus on getting proper rest, eating healthy food, and caring for your mind through practices such as deep breathing and meditation. 

Another part of self-care following a breakup may involve caring for your social needs by spending time with friends and family. This may reinforce your support network and help keep you from reaching out to your ex too soon if you decide to try to win them back. 

Re-establishing communication

Once you’ve taken sufficient time to reflect, you might consider re-establishing communication with your ex. You can begin by reaching out and initiating a conversation while being mindful of their feelings and boundaries. It may be helpful to keep the conversation light and neutral, avoiding heavy or emotionally charged topics. This approach may help you both to rebuild trust as you resume communication.

Showing personal growth

One factor that may help you win your ex back is demonstrating personal growth and a willingness to work on the relationship. This could involve working on growth areas and being open and honest about your intentions. During this process, it may help to show that you are listening intently to your ex's perspective and are willing to compromise to build a stronger relationship. Showing you are committed to growth and improvement may go a long way in demonstrating your love and dedication to the relationship.

Making amends

If any specific events led to the breakup, it may be necessary to apologize and make amends for any hurtful actions or words. This could be a complex and vulnerable process, but it may demonstrate to your ex that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions and take concrete steps toward change.

Building a strong foundation

The reconciliation process may not just be about winning your ex back but about building a solid and healthy relationship. This typically involves open and honest communication, mutual respect, and a commitment to growth and improvement. This process may also involve setting boundaries and establishing trust, as well as working through any lingering concerns from the past. This may allow you to focus on the present and build a solid foundation for the future.

Common mistakes to avoid

If you decide to try to win your ex back, it may be helpful to avoid common mistakes that could hinder progress. Below are some common mistakes to avoid:

  • Being too pushy or demanding. If you send your ex numerous text messages or call them often, they may feel pressured and be less likely to want to reconcile. 
  • Bringing up old arguments or hurtful events from the past. Focusing on the present and building a solid foundation may be much more fruitful in your attempt to reconcile.
  • Being overly emotional or aggressive. Instead of diving into deep emotions, it may help to keep conversations neutral and calm.
  • Not being willing to make changes or compromise. Relationships are typically built on mutual respect and a willingness to work together, and winning your ex back may require a commitment to growth and improvement. This may involve actively working on areas that you’d like to improve to demonstrate your commitment to personal growth.

Embark on your journey toward reconciliation and personal growth

Seeking professional help

If the reconciliation process becomes overwhelming or confusing, you may benefit from talking to a counselor who has experience helping people navigating this process. If you don’t feel comfortable with traditional in-office counseling after a breakup, you might consider trying online therapy, which research shows to be just as effective as in-person therapy. 

With an online therapist, you can discuss your relationship and the reconciliation process from the comfort of your home or anywhere with an internet connection. You can communicate with your therapist in a way that’s most comfortable for you, whether by phone, videoconferencing, live chat, or a combination of these methods.  You can also reach out to your therapist at any time through in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can. This may be useful if you have questions about reconciliation in between therapy sessions. 

Below are some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people experiencing relationship challenges.

Counselor reviews

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Winning your ex back may require reflection, personal growth, and a rebuilding of trust. Although there's no guarantee that you'll reconcile, these steps may increase your chances of success. Also, if reconciliation isn't possible, the personal growth you've achieved might benefit you in future relationships. If you’re not sure how to navigate the reconciliation process, it may help to speak with a counselor in your community or online. With BetterHelp, you can be matched with a licensed therapist who has experience helping people reconcile their relationships. Take the first step toward getting support with winning your ex back and contact BetterHelp today.
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